This week is the Mental health /mental illness awareness week, and therefore I've decided to talk about something very personal to me. Something I usually don't mention, but should mention more often. I'm going to talk about eating disorders. I know some of you might already feel a bit uncomfortable, thinking "don't say it. Just keep it to yourself". But let me tell you something. Hiding the problem won't make the eating disorders go away. It won't help the men and women struggling every day to accept themselves. It won't make them recover. Avoiding the topic because it is "uncomfortable" will only increase the taboo and support the though that mental illness is something we are not allowed to talk about. That it is something we should hide. I know, because that's how I felt. But the thing is we grow by doing the things we are scared of, and that's why I'm now breaking the rules and publish this text. To prove to myself that my fight was real, and I have every right to talk about it. To help other people who are currently struggling. To spread awareness of a deadly illness, because that's what it is. In fact, every 62 minute someone dies as a direct result of an eating disorder. We need to take this shit serious.

I can't give you all the answers and solutions to fight eating disorders, but I can give you my story, straight up and honest.

During 2017 I completed my first half marathon. I also did my first real trail race. I was flying. I was so fast. I was in great shape, or so I thought. But truth is I couldn't be more wrong. I had lost my period because of my low weight. I called in sick from school to go to the gym. I lied to friends and family. I hid food in plastic bags in my room to avoid eating. I was living on Coca cola zero and oatmeal. To eat something that someone else had cooked did not exists in my head, and even less eating at a restaurant. Therefore i never joined friends, and always came with excuses. I had to be in control. It became an obsession. During lunch-break at school I used to tell my friends that I had to go and do something, to avoid having to eat. I lost so much hair, I struggled to sleep, lost my passion for everything I had ever loved before. I became a monster. Unable to laugh, live and enjoy life. Food, calories and exercise never left my head, not even when I was asleep. Counting calories became my safety. Feeling my body starving became my high. It made me feel proud. I was so far from healthy. Yet I continued, until one day when it all crashed and I finally asked for help. There and then started a long and tough journey towards a happier and healthier life.

So here comes the real truth about eating disorders, the truth that no one talks about; The eating disorder took my life. It took everything I had ever loved. It destroyed my happiness from inside and out. There is nothing beautiful about eating disorders, nothing poetic. There is just a terrible pain. A dark ending that is coming closer and closer. Too often I see a romanticised image of eating disorders. An image that I today, with a healthy mind, know is far from right. Eating disorders don't give lives. They take them. That's the bitter truth.

Today, about 2 years later, I've come a long way. I've gotten my period back, gained weight, stopped using exercise to cure anxiety and found a will to live. I haven't reach my goal yet, but I keep fighting, knowing that it will be worth it. I rarely talk about this, unless someone ask me. Maybe because I still feel like I'm not allowed. But honestly, saying it out loud is the first step to recovery. So don't be afraid. We are strong. We can do this.

Everyone deserves to tell their story. Don't ever call someone attention seeking because they dare to speak up about their struggles. And most of all, don't be afraid to ask someone how they are doing. It could save their life.

That’s my life right now. I’m enjoying every day, trying to live every moment and not worry too much about the future. Things Will happen no matter if I want it or not.

Oh well, now it’s time for me to go to bed. Good night. I’ll be back soon.

Yesterday me and Steph went to the streetfood-festival in Vicenza. Can you tell that I was happy when I saw that they had Arrancini?

This weekend was way too good to already be over. I feel so lucky to have the friends I have here, because truth is I would probably not still be here in Vicenza if it wasn't for them. People is what makes this life worth living. People to laught with, to cry with, to tell your deepest secrets and people to hold on to when you feel like you are falling.

This all makes me think about different songs. I created a playlist when I moved to Italy last year and named it Italy memories. The thought was to collect every song that makes me think of my time in Italy. Every song in this playlist has a different memory, a unique story. We have I miss you by Blink-182, Drinkin' problem by Midland, Save that shit by Lil peep, Con calma by Bad bunny, Callaita by Bad Bunny, When the stars come out by Chris Stapleton. These are just a few songs from the list, but the point is that I still remember the story behind every single song on this playlist. One makes me think of every sunday afternoon at Lions fountain, in "our" corner with Lions fries and tequila shots. Another song reminds me of my birthday. Lil Peep reminds me of a special person and Drinkin' problem makes me think about my first time in Vicenza.

Isn't is strange yet so beautiful how humans tend to collect emotions and memories in places, objects, songs and even clothes. I have streets that I struggle to walk today simply because they remind me of a certain person. I have cities I don't ever wanna see again because that's where I cried for hours. But I also have places where I've been so god damn happy. So happy that I still tend to go back there, just to feel it all again.

The human mind is a strange thing, least said. I love listening to this playlist, simply because it makes me feel. It makes me remember. Remember all the people I've met along the way. Every soul that has changed me and made me grow. This weekend, with my girls, is one of those weekends that I wanna lock in my heart forever. And whenever I struggle I'll go back to that dinner on top of Monte Berico and think about what they have taught me. Think about how lucky I am to be right where I am.