It's Sunday evening, the hunter's moon is shining bright outside the window and I feel a strong urge to sit outside in her light and let her energy fill me up and clean me from top to bottom. I had planned to have a power meditation today, my first one. But because of my time being sick this week there was no energy to either plan or to follow it out.
This weekend has been a little tough. I talked a little bit with my brother in the middle of the week, a really anxiety-filled conversation about whether or not I should break the contact with my family and how I should do it. He does not understand or don't want to understand how I feel and about my parents and what they have done. He keeps telling me to explain, but why keep explaining something to someone who doesn't want to understand and accept? It's a waste of my time. I haven't said almost a word to my family in a month, it has felt so good. Not having the anxiety to answer their texts or calls. He told me he had planned to come up and meet me this Saturday without my knowing and approval just because I haven't answered. I felt as my trust for him and my family ran away. My house and my home is my safe space, no one is allowed into my safe space without me saying so. And for him to act like it's okay because we are blood-related is fucking disgusting. I felt super cramped and filled with anxiety. The entire day yesterday I sat with my heart in my throat, watching the cars and people passing with fear that it would be him, or my parents or why, not the entire family. I need to contact a therapist and get help from there. Hopefully, I get help with breaking the contact and get a spokesperson.
Yesterday morning I found out that my childhood cat has died. I guess I had already said my goodbye when I moved here but I shed some tears. It felt good to cry a little, leave all the emotions with him passing away. My dad had written to me the day before saying they had time at the vet with him on Monday and that I should try to come down if I wanted to hug him goodbye. I really didn't want to meet them so I guess universe took care of that. I miss him though when I think about him. He was my best friend when no one else was, he was my everything. I don't know how many hours we spent together daily. How many hours he slept by my side or how many nights we slept together.
I spent the rest of the day cleaning. It feels so good to have a clean house, a nice home to get home to. But it is also to remember why it hasn't been cleaned and accept that we can't feel good all the time, we have been sick and that is not the same as being depressed again even if it reminds me of it.
Today has been a really nice day. Nicely cooked lunch and dinner, a lot of laughs, a few hours at Daniel's parents' house to fix a little bit with the cars and some more cleaning. I and Daniel ended the day with a shower together, something we haven't done in a very long time. Now we're watching Z nation in front of the fire. But it's time to sleep, super long day tomorrow and I am so not happy about it.