What if?

Do you ever feel like your past is haunting you? Like you can't escape your past? Escape what you did. Today I have had this feeling. It came suddenly. I was in the car, listening to music and then suddenly, I got this wave of anxiety. Nothing so bad, I didn’t panic or anything, but I felt this tight feeling in my chest. I didn’t tell dad, I acted like nothing was wrong. And nothing really was wrong. It was just my thoughts. I had these “what if” thoughts. What if I would have done this or that? What if I could have done this or that? What is I would have done that differently? What if I wouldn’t have done that? What would have happened? What if? What if? What. if. It’s driving me crazy these thoughts. I know that I can’t change my past no matter how bad I wanted to. But the thoughts are there. And they are so incredibly hard to get rid of. Almost impossible. I have done some pretty horrible things in my past. To myself I mean. And those memories and these “what if” questions are connected. Those memories lead to these “what if” questions. Those memories won’t leave my head. Sometimes they are gone, but the smallest little trigger can bring them back. But how do I move on from this situation? I take a second, breathe and I look around. I am here at home in my own cozy room. I am on winter break and everything is fine. I am okay. I’m okay. It’s all in my head. I am not hurt. I won’t hurt myself. I will not hurt myself. There is absolutely no reason for me to hurt myself. I am okay. I repeat this to myself until I am in the present again. Until I am myself again.

I know that fighting these thoughts are a part of recovery from depression and suicidal thoughts. I know that recovery is a very difficult process. I will probably fall down. Hard. But no matter how hard I will fall, I have to get back up again. And I need to do it on my own. I have to learn to do it on my own. I know that I have to accept my past and move on. But it is so hard. This is one of my biggest problems. I find it hard to let go. I have to let go, so I can move on.

I know I’m strong. I am so strong. I have made it this far, so why give up now? I’m recovering from depression and self harm and I have gotten so far. I have grown mentally and I have learned a lot too. Suicidal thoughts may still be there, but I won’t let them win. I will keep on going. Because I believe in myself. And people around me believe in me, which I’m forever grateful for. I won’t give up. Not when I have gotten this far.

And I just want to say thank you, because a few people reached out to me today after they noticed that I wasn’t okay. Thank you for listening to me. And thank YOU, who’s reading this. Knowing someone cares and wants to read what I have to say means a lot. Thank you.