I'm not myself...

I’m slipping away. Again. I have been in a rut, like I said a couple blog posts ago. I said how I’m going to get my shit together and so on. But I guess.. I haven’t. I feel like I’m a disappointment. I have this thought or this trauma, that I am a disappointment. “Always have been, always will be” like my mind is telling me.

My biggest fear is not to die, not heights, not closed up spaces. My biggest fear, is to let other people down. And I really feel like I’m doing it at the moment. You see, for a while now, I’ve come up with excuses to avoid certain situations that are out of my comfort zone. “I’m tired”, “my stomach hurts”, “my back is sore”, “it’s raining”, “I don’t feel like doing it” and blah blah blah. I have for sooo long said “I will do this and that.” Have I done it? No. Have I started to live my dreams, write everyday, create a routine that makes me happy? Nope. Why? Because, quite simply, I’m lazy. That’s the truth. I’m not always productive and I’m not always motivated. I stay in my comfort zone, not because things scare me, but because I’m lazy and don’t want to do certain things because of that. Today I skipped the gym and I woke up at 3:30 pm. Which I literally never do. That is not who I am.

I feel like I’m losing myself a bit. Because all this, is not me. It’s not who I am. I am a very motivated, inspired and productive person, and I hate it when I’m not that. And I know I have to do something about it. I have to. Not anyone else. Sure, people around me support me and I’m so grateful. But the only person who can change this “behaviour” is me. I have to put in the work and the effort. And somehow, I gotta find the strength to get back up. I have to start doing things again. Things I’ve put off. I’m sick and tired of saying “I will”. Why tf can’t I just do that and say “I did.” Why am I making it so hard? I literally don’t know. I have to get back up. Because this behaviour can’t keep going. My school starts in two months and I can’t be like this then. Last year when I was at this media workshop, I always came up with excuses that “my throat is sore” or whatever the fuck I said, and I stayed home. Did I like being like that? No. Did I still do it. Yes. And I am NOT letting that happen again when school starts. I will throw all my studpid fucking excuses out the window and I am not letting my lazy ass miss school because it takes a little effort. Fuck no. I have for so so long (literally years) waited to go to school and when I finally get to do it, I am not taking it for granted and I am not going to let my lazy ass take control. Hell. No. I am motivated to go to school, finally, and I deeply think I will love it and make the most of it.

But for now, I have to get back up. Before I lose myself completely. I need to put in the effort and stop the excuses. This is not who I am. and I have to change that.

I know this might not be the most positive blog post, but I need to be real on here. I’m sorry for not being so inspiring at the moment. But I really need to work on myself. And the person I really am, will shine soon again.