I am tired. Not tired because I haven’t slept, but tired of feeling this way. Tired of feeling depressed and sad and angry at myself. I have given so much power to my past to control my present. I have given control to my bad thoughts that are taking over my mind. One of my promises to myself that I made in the new year is to let go. But to be honest, I haven’t done that. I still think about my past. I think about my childhood when my parents got a divorce when I was nine. I think about how I’ve been in such a bad mental headspace that I have hurt people around me, without meaning to. I think about all the horrible panic attacks I have gotten when I’ve nearly fainted. I think about all four suicide attempts I’ve done in the past, two of them just last year. I think about how I haven't been good enough in my past relationships, and blame myself for their end. I think about how I haven’t gotten far in education or schools because of my depression. I think about how I have cried myself to sleep so many times, this year also. I think about how many times I’ve cried on the bathroom floor because I have been scared I’ll never get better. Fuck, I’m sobbing while writing this because there are so many thoughts and emotions I want to get out. I think about all the horrible things that have happened to me in my life. And I am exhausted from feeling like this. I am exhausted from letting these memories affect my mood so much. I want to be happy. I want to be truly happy and enjoy my life.
I have a loving family, amazing support system, an amazing boyfriend who makes me feel so loved, I have a beautiful apartment, and I have so much I am so fucking grateful for. I know deep inside that I have the power to change my life. And I will.
It’s hard to let go of the past, when it’s still haunting me. But only I can change my present and make it a happy memory to remember. I am tired. And it feels like all my thoughts have beaten me down hard. But I get up. I will change my life for the better. Because I have every reason to be happy and love my life. I will not let depression win. I am going to change my life. I will go to the gym. I will take care of my body and give it so much love which it hasn’t gotten much of. I will spend time with people I love, my boyfriend and my family. I will spend time alone also. I will read self help books that make me feel better about my life and myself. I will write down my thoughts and affirmations. I will write on my blog and I will write on my book. I will change my life. Because I can. And I will. Because I am tired of waking up scared that this day will be bad because I haven’t let go of my past. I want to wake up to a life I have dreamed of. I want to wake up and have a positive mindset. I will let go of my past. From. Now. On.