I miss the person I used to be

What if I miss the old me? Not who I was before everything began to fall apart, but the person I was when everything was falling apart. What if I miss the depressed and anxious me? I mean, I do want to be happy and right now, I am. I’m feeling better than I did a few months ago. But somehow I miss who I was a few months ago. I guess that when we begin to be happy again, we feel numb because we aren’t in pain anymore. And we feel numb because we feel like we deserve pain. I don’t know. I’m still messed up, but I’m trying to not show it. I don’t wanna fall deeper into this mess I’m in right now. I guess that I just have to keep on going. I’ll be truly okay soon I think. But do I want to be okay? Or do I want to be in pain?