It’s like my love and my heart is a butterfly or a bird. It’s trapped in a cage, wanting to get out. There is so much love inside me. I have so much love inside and I want to find someone who I can give my love to.
I am single. I have been in relationships but they don’t last that long. I of course blame myself for it. That people don’t have patience to be with me, to deal with me. But now I’m slowly learning to not blame myself for everything that goes wrong. I’m not saying that if it’s not my fault, it’s the other person’s fault. That's not the case at all. I don’t blame anyone. Sometimes things just don’t work out.
Many people tell me to not rush things, to not rush to get into a relationship just because I’m single. And I get that. But maybe I’m just desperate to find someone to love because maybe I can’t give that love to myself. I’m not really used to being single, I guess. I have always someone I can talk to, spoil, love, give attention to. But now I don’t have that. And let me tell you, I’m quite a mess at the moment.
And to be honest, at the moment I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. Because I have to deal with my broken heart and heal it on my own. What I also noticed is that since I feel and am depressed, I relied on him to make me happy. It was the highlight of my week when I got to see him. And when he left, I felt empty. And that is not right. I have told myself this so many times during my mental breakdowns, that you should never rely on someone to make you happy. You have to be happy alone, happy with your life, happy with yourself, before you can be happy with someone else. And when you are happy and your partner is also happy, your relationship will blossom. Always remember that.
But now, I know deep inside that it’s time for me to really be single and most importantly, start to give love to myself. It’s time for me to focus on writing, going to the gym, reading and so on. Really enjoy being alone and single. If someone nice comes into my life, sure, welcome, but I’m not going to rush anything. Because I’ve learned that if you rush into a relationship, it probably won’t work out. I am now going to do things I love, and learn to love myself and learn how to be single.
(I wrote a blog-post recently about how to be happy alone with tips, go check it out!)