Fear of depression

I have spoken in a recent blog post about how happy I am. I’m always real and raw with you, so that’s why I want to write this. Yes, I have every reason to be happy. I am healthy, I have loving people around me, I have the best boyfriend in the world, I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. Everything is good. Everything is okay. But I am at the moment feeling a bit depressed. Why am I feeling like this? Yesterday was an okay day. I woke up late (would have slept longer if bebe didn’t call me) and slowly started my day. I was home all day, thinking and thinking. It was a rainy day, and I really liked that. I sat on our balcony and listened to the thunderstorm. I was okay, or so I thought. Later that evening, I laid in bed and bebe came to see how I was feeling. I started crying.

I am so overwhelmed at the moment, I guess. Recently I have been feeling good, but yesterday it hit me. I felt so overwhelmed, stressed and even depressed. I’m stressing myself out because I fear that my depression will hit hard again. And I can’t afford it. I have plans every single week, I can’t lay in bed everyday, being depressed. And these plans I have every single week, yes they are a good thing because it makes me get out of bed. But sometimes I feel like it’s not fun, I guess. And I have a hard time saying no. So I say yes to all things I really don’t want to do. But I know that I just have to do it. And it’s okay, I guess. I can’t lay in bed all day, ignoring the world. I just can’t. I don’t have time. And in autumn school starts, and even though I am excited, I am stressed I will get overwhelmed and depressed and then I’d be bedriddden. I’m also stressed about school because I have no idea what I will choose to study. I am so stressed. But I try to not overthink, because that is something I can’t control yet, because it hasn't happened yet. I fear that. I really do. I have so much going on, I don’t have time to be depressed. So, I try to push it away, and I’m not sure if that is healthy. But thankfully I have therapy.

I just feel kind of numb. I just hope this feeling will go away quickly.

One of the best lessons I’ve learned on this recovery journey is, I am in control of my thoughts and my life. If I think too much about why I feel depressed, of course I will continue on feeling depressed. But if I try my hardest to look at the bright side of everything, maybe I will start feeling better. It’s all in my head. It’s so easy to just stay in bed all day, not eating much or anything at all, not showered, not dressed in other than pj’s. It’s easy. But I know deep inside, that I have to pick myself up asap. I can’t be like this. I don’t have time. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. This is not who I am. I am so much stronger than this, and I know that. I just need to have patience with myself, not beating myself up, but rather be gentle with myself in the process.

I also think that one big reason for my overwhelmness and depression, is because our apartment is a mess. We have this small renovation going on but it ends soon. So, because home is a mess, I am a mess. I have to have a clean environment to feel okay, to feel good. Bebe told me that once the renovation is over, we do a really deep clean throughout the whole apartment. And even though I feel a bit depressed right now, thinking about cleaning once it’s over, really excites me.

Today I got out of bed a little over 9am. I knew that I’d feel bad if I woke up at like 11am. I made coffee, read for a bit and now I’m writing this. I have a therapy phone call later so I get to tell her what’s going on and hopefully I’ll feel better. This evening bebe said we’d watch a film and I’m excited. I love movie nights with bebe. And I feel like it’s just what I need.

I know that this will pass by. I know I’ll be okay. I know I am strong. I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off and go do life. Because my life is not over. It’s not the end just because I feel depressed. It’s okay to feel what I feel. I know I will get better. Over the years I have become so much stronger and I know that I won't fall down as low as I have done in the past, because I have become stronger. I will be okay.