Anxiety, love and autumn

I usually have planned out every blog post I write. A certain theme or topic, but today I just felt like writing. Nothing special, just clear my head.

I’m currently sitting at my desk at home while my boyfriend is at work. I’m already on my second cup of coffee and it’s only after 9am. I’m wearing my favorite sweatpants and I honestly think I will wear them to therapy and other errands today.

My mental health is pretty stable I would say. I’ve actually had quite a bit of anxiety recently. Due to old memories (which I have left behind and accepted) that I don’t even know why I think about. I had a panic attack the other day, the first one in literally months. It did go away and I didn’t die, so that's good. Yesterday I had a mental breakdown because I was just sad because of personal reasons that I don’t feel like sharing, nothing major tho. I sat on the shower floor for a few minutes until me and my boyfriend went to bed (it was him who “dragged” me out of the shower) and when I was still sad while laying in bed, my boyfriend surprised me by putting Disney Plus on our tv. I INSTANTLY felt better. We watched a nature documentary/series/program for a moment until we went to sleep. I am SO happy. I’ve wanted Disney Plus for a while now, and he surprised me with it. I love him so much I could cry.

Yesterday was the 5 month mark on me being clean for exactly 5 months (from self-harm). And as one of my close friends said, “it’s almost half a year!” and then it hit me. It has been almost half a year. That’s insane. I’m feeling very proud about that.

I also want to touch on the topic of being in a rut. I have recently written quite a lot about it, since I was in a rut almost the whole of August. I got up and pulled myself together. I feel fine. I haven’t skipped the gym, I’m actually going tomorrow with my pt. I was on Monday at the gym with her and let me tell you, my legs are so sore. So, tomorrow's focus is on the upper body. Like I said in a recent blog post, I felt like the gym wasn’t making me that happy. I went to the gym for other people, so they would be proud of me. But I guess, that slowly, while focusing on myself and my health, I think I will fall in love with the gym again. Slowly. I don’t need to rush. The gym is there and I will ease back into it. But being in a rut kind of threw me off with reading. I haven’t felt that motivated to read, I’ve actually stopped reading three books just at the beginning of the book, because it simply was not a book for me, no matter how hard I tried to get into it. Last week I went with dad to the mall and I got two books, one non-fiction and one romantic fiction. I’m currently reading the non-fiction one (“How To Fail” by Elizabeth Day) and so far, I love it. It kind of made me love reading again, which feels good. So, being in a rut, kind of threw me off, but I’m pretty much back on track.

School starts in about a month and I’m soooo nervous. It will be fine. I have quite some time (not too much time tho) to prep and so on. I’m slowly waking up earlier. I’m still struggling but I will get better at it. Today I woke up at 8:30 without an alarm, and that’s pretty good.

I’m excited to get back to school. Very, very excited. And motivated. I feel like it will be a great new chapter in my life. And I have a lot of support around me from people I love. I’m so thankful for it. Of course, I will update you on progress I will make leading up to school starting, as well as some updates once school has started.

I also want to talk about my boyfriend for a sec here. I love him. I love him so much. You know when a person comes into your life suddenly? And you have no idea at first, but that person will mean the world to you someday? When slowly, you realize that you are falling in love with that person? And it feels like that person is the missing puzzle piece that you needed to complete your puzzle, your life? Well, that’s my boyfriend. He is the puzzle piece that completed me. I feel like I’ve found MY person. He’s the funniest, sweetest and most loving person I’ve met. He never fails to make me laugh, no matter the mood I’m in. I can go on and on how much he means to me and so on, but I don’t need to tell anyone that. The main thing is that HE knows how much he means to me. And he does know. I just… I really feel like he is the one. And I know how it sounds, “you’re too young to have met your soulmate already” and that is bs. My mom met her boyfriend when she was 16 and they are now back together and have been together for over 10 years and they are in their 50’s. So, it’s very much possible that I will spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. I don’t care what anyone says. I love him, and that’s all that matters.

Now, lastly, let’s talk about AUTUMN! YAAY! I loove autumn. Cold weather, sweaters, rain, cozy evenings, pumpkin spice drinks, fashion, leaves changing color. I love it all! I thrive in autumn. I feel the most alive in autumn, in every way. I have written goals for autumn and maaybe I will share it with you all, who knows? Autumn is so beautiful. I will post a lot of autumn pics on my instagram, so follow me there (if you want) it’s @ tessaeklund.

If you’ve reached the end of this blog post and read it all, THANK YOU. I feel like it maybe wasn't the most planned out or interesting blog post, but I felt like writing so. I hope you all are well. I’ll write soon again, hugs.