Good morning everyone! I love writing in the morning. I just clear my head and let the day start. I didn’t sleep well at all. I woke up about 4 in the morning because I had a nightmare. I sent a message to my boyfriend and he was actually awake! Didn’t surprise me though haha! Anyway, then we spoke on the phone for some time and then I decided to go back to sleep. Same thing happened again… I woke up at 5:45 because I had another nightmare. Great. So, I got up, made a cup of coffee and decided to watch some YouTube videos to kill time. I don’t know why, but every time I have a nightmare, I feel afraid when I wake up. Like unsafe, if that makes sense? But then I just remind myself that it was just a dream and that I am safe in my apartment. Nothing to be scared of. Everything is fine. I watched some YouTube to fill the silence in my apartment. Then I took a shower and now I’m sitting here at my desk writing this.
My last blog post was a little life update, but I think I’ll write another one. I have spent so much time with my boyfriend and I love it. We have been cooking and watching a lot of movies (we actually watched The Notebook and yes, I cried) and we’ve been out for coffees. He came to the mall with me when I got a new purse which I’m in love with. Anyway, I love my boyfriend so much. Honesty, he's the best thing that has happened to me. These last two weeks we have spent more time together than apart.
I’ve been getting a few panic attacks but I always get through them. I've managed to get through them without taking extra anxiety medicine. I have had self destructive thoughts during panic attacks but I remind myself that self-harm doesn't’ help or make me go further. A quote that is always on my mind is “you will not heal by going back to what broke you” and oh my has it saved me many times. I don’t want to hurt myself, because I’ve learned to love myself. But it’s just hard to think positive when you’re having a panic attack. But I just have to stay strong and get through it. I had the worst panic attack I’ve had this year a few days ago. Thankfully my boyfriend was with me and helped to take care of me when I felt weak. I’m so thankful. And I got through that panic attack. Took like an hour, but I got through it. Or WE, my boyfriend and I, got through it.
But even though I have anxiety sometimes, I am not my anxiety. Same thing with depression. I have depression, but it is not who I am. I am a positive sunshine and I strive to be that everyday.
Christmas is coming soon (less than a month, omg!!!) and I am beyond excited. I have my Christmas tree up and I will get more Christmas lights. Christmas is my favorite time of the year and I’ve already watched a few Christmas movies. I’m going to force my boyfriend to watch Christmas movies with me haha! I just love this time of the year! Soo many great plans coming!
I am feeling very happy. Everything in my life is amazing right now. I have every reason to be happy, and I am. I feel mentally great, even though I have panic attacks sometimes, but it’s okay. I feel confident in my body and I love it. I’ve fallen in love with my life.