To be left outside alone when it's cold out here

So I found this letter I wrote myself about a year ago and I had no idea whatsoever that I had been this unhappy.​

Somedays I just wish I could be a part of "the great", people who by excisting make the world a better place. But deep down you know how much they have been working in order to make it. And you're hoping to be like them. Hoping that tomorrow will bring you success. Working, being stressed out and forgetting your existence, being in a deep sence of flow and every morning that strikes back at you. There is always something to strive for, since you're not only working for your own good, but for others. And somewhere in your heart lies a fear, a fear of not being successful, the fear of oblivion. But you know how much you will need to get there, try to make it. But you are real, not faking anything. For you words are a way of expressing your thoughts and inner most feelings, but you know that there is no turning back if you say the wrong words, but you also know that there is no word that could fully be able to describe how one feels, so if someone says something considered to be wrong, you'll forgive.  For you love the world so much, but it feels like it doesn't love you back. Your unselfiesness has no limits, but sometimes you're way too egoistic. The person you love, never really seems to like you back but you never make a move, instead you sing it in a song. The lyrics, describes your life perfectly.

 And then you sometimes beat yourself down to the ground and cry in silence because you don't want to disturbe the happy life of others. And then you start feeling so super happy cause there is this one friend whom has never ever left your side and she loves and supports you as , well as you love and support her with all your heart, because you met each other when your worlds where falling apart, hers and yours and right from start you guys made a perfect match and when there was no one else, you were there and life was completed again. And that time when you walked alone at the middle of the night finding your way back to your hotel and you were so drunk that you walked badly and screamed. Because in your family history alcohol had always brought happiness, even though you always told your parents that it was not a part of you, not for you.

 There is one thing that you love more than anything, math. But you cannot do math because you've got math anxciety and you look up to everyone who are capable and have that ability.
And when someone smiles at you, your thinking that person cannot under any circumstance be smiling to you. For ages, you were not able to trust, because you got bullied. Because your greatest quality is also your worst, you love the people, the world, everything around you except one thing. Yourself.