Here I am at the beginning of the first summer of my adulthood. All spring I've been concentrating on my studies at uni, philosophically observing society, looking after a job (that has not yet been found when I'm writing this but I'll continue to search, a 20 yo. without a job is bascially a story that can't be written, studying costs and can't be made possible without money even though I've learned how to strech that 20) and sharing all of my "great ideas" and nervous breakdowns with my nearest and dearest. All I can think of now is how a year could go by so fast and that I for some reason need to be sitting somewhere out there in nature sipping on some Riesling and looking at the pale blue sky through a new pair of sunglasses and wonder how I managed to survive a year in my life almost on my own.
For starters I have a more laid back attitude towards studying than I've probably ever had in my life.Yes I do feel stressed out and overwhelmed at times but I feel like I get stuff more easily done nowadays, I just get it done without thinking to much when or how I should start working with it like I used to do back in high school.
The only thing regarding studying at uni that really bothers me is the fact that I rarely get to write freely about my own experiences and opinions or if I do I must have somekind of reference to what I'm saying. The one thing I miss the most from being in high school is being able to write poetic and philosophical papers about nearly anything. I quoted great minds and added my 3am ideas in to my paper and it felt more like a text written strait from my heart. So what I do nowadays is that I carry a bullet journal or some other notebook with me to capture and develop that side of my learning process called creative self expression. Otherwise I might loose it and if I loose grip of life I become such a isolated philosopher that is extremly difficult to deal with.
This year has also been a year of exploring who I really am at a core level. Which principles do I follow, what is my shadow side and how to manage that in everyday life and also working on improving my own selfimage so that it would become.. how should I put this.. more realistic? Like I've mentioned in some of my previous blog posts I have a tendency to put other people on a pedestal which can be a wonderful thing but in my case it has made me see myself as someone who should be more like the people I admire and less like the person I actually am. Now however I've accepted that I am a certain way and I can't be something I'm not or magically become a totally different person.
One of the most difficult things for me was to accept my introvertedness, I've always wanted to be more outgoing but the fact is I've tried to push myself to the limits but I always hit a wall at a certain point.
I'm very thankful for all of the lessons this school year has taught me and I'll continue to learn everyday. Being in touch with my innerself again has made me realise my role as a student in her school and as a student in her own life. I might not always get perfect grades but as long as I learn something it's all worth the effort.
Have a great summer filled with incredible and memorable moments! Remember to take some risks and be spontaneous from time to time, you stop living a little when you don't take risks.