A little message before we start, so bare with me. The following letter is a mix of feelings and events from my love life over the years. Some people I've dated, some I've had crushes on, well you get it! I respect people and there privacy, so there are not any names involved, not even fake ones. I was at first afraid to even post this, thinking it might come off as rude, brutal and mean.
But then I thought, do people really need to hear another fairytale romance or do they need to hear about the ups and downs of real love? And so I still despite all went for my original idea and wrote this. And yes, the name is taken from the Netflix original, how original right? I hope that someone out there can relate to some of these feelings such as waiting for a message that never arrives. But I also want to make you laugh, put a smile on your face for thos naive young love moments that maybe are brought back into your memory.
Also, lastly but not least; I hope you are enjoying your Valentine's Day, however you feel about it and however you choose to spend it!
Lots of love,
Most of you started conversations with a "hey" so it's a good place to start. But what does "hey" even mean? Is it meant for me to keep asking you questions? Is it just a regular greeting without much meaning? Yet, why did almost all of you decide to start talking to me after complete radio silence and it always started with nothing but a "hey". Speaking of radio, I am grateful for all of those great bands and songs I got introduced to when spending time with you. Some of them never left my life tbh. Some songs remind me of all the good times, such as sitting at the beach in the middle of the night and watching the city lights. I told you it reminded me of Gatsby, waiting for Daisy, looking at that greenlight at the end of the dock. You nodded but you never read Fitzgerald or Tolstoi or Proust. Remind me again what did we talk about or was it me stuck in my inner monologue all the time?
I remember waking up in the middle of the night at 3.33. I wondered if it was a sign from the Universe, such a naive thing my heart! No messages. Did I say something wrong? Am I doomed to live an existence of sleepless nights, waiting for a sign? In the morning the screen of my phone usually lit up. A new message from you, or two. I try to live to the fullest, I really am. But how can I live knowing that you are my man but I am an option to you, my messages only spam. Sometimes I'd lay down on the grass with the sunshine on my face, listening to some "Lana del Rey", dreaming of past and future dates. You called me today after a long day at the beach, "burned your back, should I come over and take care of that?". I told you to stop smoking those cigarettes. But I was fascinated about you picking me up from school with your car, making all the people who think I'm a looser wonder who you are.
I was at a bar with friends. Distracting myself from the pain again. I met nice people, smiling faces. I danced and enjoyed myself tried not to glance on my phone. But once I was back on the couch with a glass of water in my hand, I started talking to you, missing you again. There are 7 days in a week, yet you seemed to be busy 5 out of them. Then there was this other guy who always wanted to meet. I never seemed to be able to be alone and just breathe. I remember sitting in the kitchen watching you do the dishes. I remember walking home happy, holding a rose in my hand. I remember you asking me if I got home safely. Those little moments actually mattered the most to me, because right then and there I felt appreciated, respected, seen and safe.
When I was showering after a long day, listening to music I thought of what a life with you by my side would be like. You'd think about the sexual perspective I suppose but I was thinking about our first morning together in our new apartment, find a compromise to an on going conflict, finding a brand of coffee that we both like and could agree on. I don't know why but the older I get the more I appreciate those little everyday romantic things. I don't need a fairytale. I don't need money, power, status and glory. I need someone to share my morning coffee with. Unfortunately, most of you have liked or even loved a fantasy of me rather than the real thing. Many of you have not seen an adventure of a lifetime past the honeymoon phase, being too afraid that your freedom or sanity is at stake. But there were a few who saw a future with me, that made me run, made me want to scream.
I get it, I wasn't always easy. I wasn't always kind. Sometimes I was too anxious, sometimes I'd lie. But from each mistake I would understand, I would learn, I would grow, I would thrive. Without you, all of you I would not have become the good hearted genuine person that I am today, because yeah I could be be crappy and bad I admit it and for that I am truly sorry. And I hope you guys could learned and grow from meeting me, seeing me, talking to me too.
Whatever happened, whatever was, I hope we can all just find happiness and maybe true love will once reach each and everyone of us.
To all of the people I have loved before,