Well, what can I say, this has been an interesting and even difficult year for most of us! I'm sure many imagined at the end of 2019 that 2020 and the start of a new decade would lead us into somekind of magical new start and endless possibilities or at least be a better year than the last one, am I right? For a few months hope lingered in the air, like it so often does as the year changes and as we settle it was almost like the universe pulled the rug under our feet and yelled "ha! here is some challenge for you!".

I think it's fair to say that most of us went into hermit mode due to lockdowns, felt more anxious with themselves than usual and even limited by external circumstances. It is always easy to look back on things from a positive and wise perspective and to evaluate what could have been done differently. And I'm sure, that this historic year will be one that people shall discuss in 10 years time . But let's face it: this year was so hard, yet you and I survived it! All of us did what we had to do in order to survive and some of those things we may not be proud of, but does it really matter, as long as we made it alive and are ready for something better in the future? Regardless how you spent this year, I wanted to take this moment and tell you how proud I am of you, that you decided to be a fighter, that you pulled this one through! Congratulations I say, for deciding to keep going despite everything!

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As I am about to discuss some things I've learned over the last year I will ask you to not be discouraged if you didn't experience these same lessons this year. Why? Because we are all on different paths and seasons in life. Things happen when they are meant to happen for us, progress and learning life lessons cannot be forced or scheduled like a lesson in school, which is a part of what makes life interesting and even a bit of a challenge at times. I too find it hard to sometimes understand how different lives everyone live, despite being similar in many ways! In other words, there are no grades, there is no competition, there is just forward movement. Let me know what you have learned this year if you want & inspire me by doing so and expand my knowledge on different perspectives, I think it should be a tradition to share what one has learned at the end of a year, don't you think? I think allows us to reflect, gather our lessons in our mental backpack and head outside for the new adventure that is 2021.

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So, what have I learned 2021?

You're external circumstances are not always in your control but that doesn't mean your entire life needs to be out of control

One of the things I've struggled most with in life is my mind. It is often overthinking and trying it's very best to control everything and when that isn't possible anxiety and helplessness hits in. This year I realised this destructive and toxic pattern within me. Although, I've seen this in myself before and tried to deal with it on multiple occasion this year I was forced to heal from it, it's like I could not escape from it anymore. Whenever I decided to put of dealing with this issue during 2020 I was hit with yet another external circumstances out of my control, that I had to just live with. At first, I felt caged and very limited by life. Until I realised that no matter what happens and how much I try to control the outcome of things, the only thing I can in fact control is my own mind. But if I still let my mind rule over me, everything I experience will become twice as hard for me. In other words, up until this point what I thought helped me cope with issues actually made everything worse. I found new ways to cope with negative emotions and situations instead of trying to control everything such as exercise, reading and letting thoughts come and go but not letting them take over my entire existence. This was and on going process that has pretty much lasted the entire year of 2020.

Routines are not always your enemy, in fact befriend them and the can make your life run smoothly

As many of you may know I have always struggled with routines and keeping up with everyday life, I would much rather switch things up, go on adventure and pick a new job every month! But of course I understand that isn't a sustainable way of life and 2020 I finally became an adult who befriended the world of routines. When all else was taken away including being able to work in a normal manner, the only thing left to keep a person sane and happy was, yeah you guessed it - routines! I spent a week of lockdown trying out new things but it didn't feel very productive. Then I created a daily schedule for myself. I filled my time with chores, assignments, exercise, reading about different subjects that inspired me, art projects, exercise and I would keep up with the same bedtime and wake up time, each day. Surprisingly, the lockdown became more manageable this way and when it ended I suddenly realised that the lockdown made my everyday life more balanced, just because I saw the opportunity for change and decided to take it!

Without other people you aren't able to gain more wisdom

Sometimes I go into periods of complete solitude (sorry my dearest friends). I recharge my batteries, learn new things on my own and explore different aspects of spirituality and I enjoy it a lot! But when the pandemic hit and I was sort of allowed to be alone, I understood that in order to learn more about myself and to gain more wisdom about things and in order to understand how other humans work and see the world, I really do need to be more with other humans! Now, this may sound kind of rude to some of you but it is certainly not meant to sound that way! I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that 1. I am not as independent as I thought I was. 2. Humans are social creatures, even the most freedom and solitude loving introverts. 3. Other people bring me a lot of joy, even more so than I can achieve on my own. I am beyond thankful of sharing deep talks with friends and sometimes to share a laugh with them, even if it was just over a call or text. 2020 made me understand how much social interaction means to me and people's wellbeing in general and sidenote kind of but, I begun to notice what a tactile person I truly am.

You decide how you use your time

This one kind of goes hand in hand with the first one but is also an important lesson on it's own. I looked at the woman in the mirror with her shadows and all and she told me "Nobody forces you to stay awake thinking about all those problems that don't even matter in the grand scheme of things. Nobody has forced you to to not start working on your dreams today. Nobody has told you that you aren't allowed to be your true authentic self unapologetically. Nobody, accept of course your own mind". Can you imagine how it felt like for me to face these difficult and unpleasant truths about myself internally and also dealing with the external world and the pandemic? It was like a wave of truth hit me from all angles and all I could do was to either face it or to let it be. I faced it and after many sleepless nights pondering on my behaviour and past, I have come to the conclusion that I have never been as true to myself as I am now.

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As the year is about to end I will now wrap up all of these lessons and look for new experiences next year. Who knows, maybe these important lessons shall come to use next year in one way or another.

But since it isn't wise to be completely stuck on the past either, I decided to share something a bit more fun with you that has to do with 2021! You ready? Okay! I have decided as a "new years resolution" to take 1 walk during each weekend of 2021. So 1 walk/week for 52 weeks. The meaning behind these walks is to figure things out. During each walk I'm going to pick a topic to think about and find a solution to, a new perspective on etc. as I walk. These topics will decided by my me shortly before each walk or maybe by others if the project moves on and gains momentum. I will then create a category for these walks here on my blog and then write a post after each one of them, discussing the topic I chose for that specific walk. Some walks I may take alone, some with friends, coworkers whomever. I will take the walk on either Friday, Saturday or Sunday, depending on my schedule. Hopefully my explanation was understandable enough, but if not then wait for the first post to come up during the first week of January 2021. Wish me luck, for I am aware that this might not be as easy as it may sound as of now! 💫💎😂

On this I end the last post of this year and welcome the new year. I wish all of you and wonderful 2021 and may all your dreams and wishes come true, this next year and every year for that matter 💖🦋🎆

Best wishes,

/Rebecka

You know those stories when the protagonist is constantly haunted by something? It might be their past, their future, a villain, a bully etc. But whatever it is, it always comes back around, even when the protagonist thinks the have mastered something, feel ready with their life or simply enjoy the moment; the shadow enters again. I have only recently understood that most villains are actually nothing more than the fears and the ego of the protagonist. Captain Hook wouldn't exist without Peter Pan having the fear of growing up. The sea witch in "The Little Mermaid" by H.C. Andersen wouldn't exist unless the mermaid would feel drawn to being naive and leaving her real home behind her. Voldemort wouldn't be haunting Harry Potter without a reason either. And so if we look at our own lives, yours and mine, we are the protagonists of our own lives. Then what haunts us? Different things, depending on the person but the cause is always the same: our egos.

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Some say that pain ends with purpose and many religions and spiritual schools discuss pain as a form of gaining higher learning and wisdom, and that suffering is an essential part of life. Take for instance Siddhartha Gautama or Buddha, studying suffering and ones way out of it. Or Jesus Christ, suffering for the purpose of saving humankind. Not all of us die to end suffering or even fight for it, but it's just the harsh truth that we all have to go through it. In my own personal opinion, pain does not end with purpose but it is understood and made more tolerable through its purpose.

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There have been many times in life where I've been hurting so much that I've made the choice to avoid such hurts again. Many people even go the distance to protect their friends from getting hurt or even their children. All of this is understandable. If I would stand on the street and ask for volunteers to go through suffering in order to gain inner wisdom and strength, not many people would volunteer. The word suffering in itself may set of a circle of negative emotions within us. So much so, that even if we have negative habits we rather keep repeating them, than choose to go through the healing process to end them, cause the end goal is miles away and through that way we must face our inner demons, our ego.

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So what is suffering then? We know it needs to happen for us to grow, but what is it really? Suffering is basically what we nowadays often discuss as being triggered by something, however small or big that thing might be. It starts from getting triggered, then we go through a confusion of what to do and in our despair we easily turn to different coping strategies that may not be so good for us. Then when we have calmed down from that intense emotional turmoil we start perhaps feel ashamed, thinking "shouldn't these issues of mine be healed by now?" "why did I feel the need to react the way I did?". This starts a small of a bigger inner conflict within us. A part of us just reacted in order to protect us from pain but another part of us knows that we did so do to fear and there was no logical reason behind it. The reason is often one of the following: 1. There is something deep within us that never really has healed and we keep pushing it aside. 2. We are neglecting our real needs. 3. Our own feelings and fears are mirrored onto us by another person.

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There have been many times in my life where I've thought "that's it! now I'm completely ready as a person!". Only to notice that sooner or later there is something that comes up and reminds me of old wounds. The thing with healing is: it really does take time, it may even take an uncomfortable amount of time to truly heal. I have started to call it "fake healing" and "true healing". When someone fake heals, they feel good about themselves for a certain amount of time, maybe months or even years until something comes up and reminds them that they have not truly healed. True healing is when you just know and others may even point out to you that you have grown a lot as a person. There can simultaneously exist healed and unhealed parts in a human and this is the key into understanding humans and ourselves. You might have healed or improved something but neglected something else. It is this neglected part that haunts us, until we face it like Harry faced Voldemort.

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Because writing is what I do, I exist to write and the writing exists within me I choose to write down all of these uncomfortable truths but also the beautiful moments of life. Someone else might take a different approach. The reason why I chose to write about suffering is because I have a huge fear of not being loved unconditionally. This fear has caused and is still causing me a lot of inner suffering. It makes me act in foolish ways, such as pushing people away, neglecting my own needs, not setting up healthy boundaries. And where does it comes from? Somewhere deep inside of me, I'm afraid of love. Or not being loved back. I'm afraid of abandonment. So my Voldemort is a voice telling me to avoid it at all costs or to embrace it so much so that it scares.

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What I'm glad about is that I've understood it. And that I've dared to start facing it now. I'm trying to love myself despite not feeling worthy, I'm trying to forgive myself for being not there yet with my personal growth.

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How are you dealing with the unpleasant parts of your inner life? Do you have any advice or stories to share regarding your process and what you've learned.

Taking it one step at a time,

/Rebecka

So, I became 23 years old yesterday. Birthdays always feel weird to me. I look at my age and I go : "really?! is this it?". With all of my experiences I feel like I've already lived a full life or a few full lives during these 23 years. Older people may laugh at me for saying this or think "what does she really know" but in my opinion it all depends on how you live.

I had this chat ones with an older man who told me that he agreed with me, regarding my views on age. We were both stuck at a trainstation waiting for a train that was several hours late. We started of with small talk, then suddenly we talked about space and time & ofc knowing me: the meaning of life! I told him that a person can live for 80 years in the exact same place with the exact same people and routines or he can be in his 20's and living off his backpack, finding a new place to work and new people to talk to each and everyday. The older man said that I was right, (not necessarily so but he agreed with me); "Age doesn't always automatically equal wisdom, he said. A person needs to assert themselves and live with fear in order to learn how to be wise". Since then I live by these words. Everytime I'm struck in a space of difficulty of some sort I always remind myself to be brave and find the lesson in it and then in the end I'll gain in wisdom. I'm not saying that I know everything now, and that 23 is some magical age when everything just locks into place and life is better understood. Not at all! But I am saying that wisdom can exist at any age, even someone very young can be wise beyond there years. I'm sure you, dear reader are amongst those people as well!

But my main goal with this post was to write as if my life would be only 23 hours long. Why not wait until your 24? Because I probably spent that 1 hour sleeping. So basically I will describe my life as 23 hours instead of years. Hope you like it and this makes you inspired as well! So here it goes! 1h = 1 year, get it? Good, let's go!

The 1st hour: The warmth was embracing everyone as night turned into morning. Kids were sleeping peacefully, except for one who was eager to start living. She sat in her bed and just wished for the night to be over.

2nd hour: Breakfast didn't taste like much but the the trees would form beautiful patterns with their branches! Birds were flying on a pale blue sky and her face was nothing but a huge smile!

3rd hour: The park was filled with people, all different and interesting in their own way. She had to look at them all and greet them. Why was her hair so long and beautiful? Why was that man wearing his hat the way he did? Why didn't everyone answer to the word hello?

4th hour: Running with the wind and letting your head loose was the best! But but nothing beats an early morning when you can just lay down on the ground and find shapes in the clouds.

5th hour: Piles of lego on the floor and a swimming suit waiting to be picked up and used. Why is it so difficult to decide if you want to build your future castle or pretend to be a mermaid?

6th hour: Holding hands with my bestfriend. We are playing in fields of gold and I hope the moment would never end. The incredible smell of freshly baked cookies is lingering in the air and the sky hasn't seen a single raincloud at this hour of existence.

7th hour: Waiting for a ride for school. The real school, the building that doesn't include the world but is a world of its own. Hoping for more knowledge on how to write those stories in ones mind onto paper rather than having to rely so much on illustrations while listening to a bedtime story.

8th hour: Why is it that I don't learn like others do? Why is it that I would rather pretend to be a pirate than count? Why is it that I would rather be the one who can hold my breath the longest than learn how to write more than a few sentences? Why is it that being inside after spending hours in the snow and having some hot chocolate feels so good? Why is it that airplanes can take us anywhere but we can't use them everyday? I'm just wondering and I'm letting everyone around me know.

9th hour: The music moves me further. Every step is guided by a new sound. The sounds make me feel something deep inside of me that I cannot describe or fully begin to understand. It's like a bunch of different colors flying around inside of me and wanting to come out. But I let them be, I just dance.

10th hour: I felt something while I was running. I felt something when I said hello. I started to feel things all the time, so much so that I felt the need to get me one of those diaries with a key and lock, just so all of those feelings wouldn't spill out all over.

11th hour: A lonely crow with a broken limb was walking beside me, trying to find shelter in the rain. The never ending rain, my shelter was the library. There the rain could not reach me.

12th hour: I slammed the door. Put my headphones on and walked away.

13th hour: My heart was racing as I opened the door. This was it, I had entered the hallway of adulthood, but it wasn't even close.

14th hour: Someone had managed to light up a candle inside of me. The flame grew higher and it filled me with warmth and light. I felt the urge to spread that warmth around me, into places that hadn't seen light for years and into people who had felt the need to dim there lights.

15th hour: The calendar was at the table and so was my tired mind.

16th hour: The hour of discovering enlightment and spirituality.

17th hour: When light was neon and clothes made of glitter. When drinks were in tall glasses and shoes made you stand tall. When words could change the world but you ended up remembering nothing at all.

18th hour: You wrote for hours and got rewarded with a piece of paper, a kind of odd but interesting hat, some money and new experiences, a few roses.

19th hour: You took your life, put it into a box. Brought the box with you into a new time, place and perspective. The box was still the same box and you were still the same old you, even if everything around you felt new.

20th hour: Rollercoaster rides. Somebody should have told you that most of them end at some point. Just like planes land and destinations are further than you expected them to be.

21st hour: The evening might be a wonderful time to talk or to take a walk. But if the evening never seems to end it might make you tired of constantly having to walk.

22nd hour: 10pm, a bedtime for many. That's when my mind started to really wake up, wake up with all the nervous energy in the world it seemed like.

23rd hour: I'm finding myself surrounded by people who understand me, people who see the good and beauty in the world, people who help me grow and develop and people who have made me realise that no adult can always make it on their own.