Hello! So, I decided to write myself a letter. I wanted to breathe step back and listen to myself. I did to see how far I've come on my journey so far, the journey of self love. This letter is really emotional but I'm not ashamed about it. Someone might see this as oversharing but I see this letter as a way of caring. Caring about myself and anyone out there being a sensitive and anxious person. I did debate just writing this for me and never let anyone but me read it. But then again would I really have begun to love myself the way I claim that I have if I wouldn't be proud of who I am, what I do and what I write? Therefore, no shame here I will proudly present my letter to myself. And you should write one for yourself as well, if not a full on letter then write something, even just a little bit. It could be a list with things you like about yourself, if you write one let's say every week then I'm sure you'll see improvement! Let's all try to take ourselves seriously. Don't push away feelings of insecurity. Dare to deal with them and think about was causes them. I wish you the best possible day! If it isn't a great day: it's still fine. I'm here for you, I understand you. I understand what it feels like. We are all learning here, me and you together. ❤
When you were little you wanted to always be covered with sunshine. Your entire room was yellow, when you couldn't be outside you brought the sunshine in. You wanted people to smile and you felt this inner need to make them happy. You hated seeing the people you loved be upset. When you got older you had to be your own sunshine and focus on making yourself happy. A lot of people tried to put you in the middle of a storm and you often found yourself alone in the dark, but you learned to like it when you saw the light switch of your imagination appear in front of you. You decided that if nothing else, that would make you great. You didn't need to act, dress or look a certain way. Your inner light guided you and nobody could reach it because they didn't have the light switch. The darkness grew bigger and the light switch was more difficult to find. A thought of it being there, became the new source of comfort. It was enough to know that it was there.
Then someone came in and opened the door. Natural light started to flow in. It didn't cost you anything. It didn't take away, it gave you more. The light of a true friend. The light of friendship guided you out of the darkness and into the sun where you belonged. It felt burning and painful after living with the light switch. You saw yourself clearly and you didn't like what you saw. The darkness had made you live a life of only fantasy, and the belief of better days to come. Experiences, life, it all happened outside in the sunlight. Slowly like a butterfly in a strong wind I started to fly and rise above the ashes of my previous existence. The nurturing light of friendship by my side. The invisible arms of love, lifting me if I would fall, cause even if you learn how to fly, you must always practice. Soon my dull grey wings became blue and free like the ocean. I landed on a beach filled with people. People, whom all wanted to work to keep others safe and happy, for a greater cause than any individuals personal storms. You Rebecka, decided to join. You didn't want anyone else to ever have to live in the dark getting by with a light switch, ever. You brought people out of the dark, you made them see the light. It made you shine but maybe even too much cause everytime you flew back home and saw yourself from a mirror it was all just a blurr and a pair of tired eyes. You lived in light but you didn't see yours. You saw darkness when you looked into the mirror, everything seemed to be wrong.
You slowly when flying to work, stopped to see a sunrise. The sunrise reminded you that you couldn't give away your light and never get to download some more to yourself. You decided to go on the most difficult journey there is, the journey towards loving yourself. You would start by seeing your personality and the glow from within. You started to understand how much of a sparkle it was, it was like firework! But you still cried in front of a mirror, placing the hurtful words of others all over your body. "You are too big" "Nobody could ever love you cause you're so ugly" "Your legs are odd" "Your eyes stare at me all the time" "Your too much" "You will never be pretty enough". You decided to show people that you could be better and more beautiful than they ever thought. Unfortunately you did it their way. They pushed you into it you thought. You started to do things in order to please others. Some took a step back, others started to see you as a force to be reckonned with. You had your moments in the light but you kept wondering why those moments didn't last. Light that isn't truly yours will not last, my dearest.
Then you broke down. The darkness fell over you after a day in the spotlight. You saw that you couldn't keep flying if the light that wasn't truly yours. You suddenly understood that living alone with the light switch wasn't as bad as you thought before. It was yours. It didn't shine on others just for the sake of shining. It would shine on you. You took pride in finding this new confidence in you. You decided to wear it like a supermodel wears and outfit during fashion week. This was finally you. The same girl who wanted to be surrounded by sunshine when she was little. But little did you know that confidence wasn't the only thing needed in order to love yourself. The way you still would speak of yourself and the way you didn't set boundaries still didn't work out in your favor. You struggled years with saying no and you still sometimes feel bad for doing so but nowadays you know you should say no if it really is needed.
You decided to face your shadows. It made you anxious, it made you cry but you understood how much of your own unhappiness you yourself had been responsible for. But you lifted a heavy weight from your shoulders. You said "this is my burden, nobody else should be blamed for it and now I'll deal with it". First dealing with it resulted in resting. For one year you would do nothing but listen to your own needs and wants. You decided to be lazy and selfish without feeling guilty. And I am so proud of you for doing that! It made you and everyone around you understand your own limits better. You quit with bad habits such as drinking too often and too much, smoking to clear your mind and drinking too much coffee to force yourself to stay alert. You changed your relationship towards food. You started seeing food as something more than tasty, you wanted it to make you feel happy and healthy instead of tiring your cravings or giving you a few moments of a happiness boost. You started to view exercise as a way to make you feel less anxious and happy rather than just making you look good in the eyes of society and it's beauty standards. You would begin to take make up and your style more seriously, playing around with it cause you felt like it made you stay true to yourself and because you started to know you deserved to feel beautiful. You started to look at everything in your life with a more critical perspective: should this thing stay or should I let it go? does these things continue to serve me or not?
And now you are here. Thinking you haven't come far in life. But trust me, you have. You're becoming a better version of yourself every single day. Some days might be hard but that doesn't mean you haven't accomplished anything or should feel the need to feel sorry for yourself. Not everyone around you is there to hurt you, give people a chance, don't push them away just because it took you so long to realise your own worth. And if people don't like you then who cares right? You have me, you'll always have yourself there as support. Don't be afraid to boldly declare your love towards yourself to the world! It does not mean that you are a selfish person if you have finally understood your own worth.
The truth is Rebecka, even if you see the good and beauty in others easily doesn't mean that you could not be good enough yourself. You have a huge strength: nobody is you but you. No matter what someone might be they still aren't you. Am I right? You are such a kind sweet soul and you have the right to live your life. You don't need to ask permission. Think about butterflies. Every butterfly is beautiful but different, yet you look at them and find beauty in each and everyone of them. Then why would it be so impossible for you to be that way?
It doesn't matter how far you'll fly, it doesn't matter what color your wings are, what matters is that you enjoy flying and being alive. It doesn't matter if there might be storms and darkness. Just turn on the light. And never stop it from shining, after all it's your light.
Always here with you no matter what. Don't you ever forget that.
Love, your higher self