When everyone else brings up "looking at a photo album" during a family and friends get together I simply say "fruit stickers". I had this idea of collecting fruit stickers and making my own album of them. Because when seeing a sticker I remember where that fruit was eaten and a memory that has to do with it, for example "I remember you bying me a banan after a long day at the beach. Remember how we could sit there the entire day, talking about our futures? How amazing it felt like, being sixteen." This is a good way to train your memory and create lasting memories.
I don't no how to be organized. My way of keeping stuff organized is piling them up either in my room or in my mind. Then when I feel like it, I'll pick an item from that pile. Even though the whole pile might fall apart, I just happen to need that one item at that exact moment. In order to write, in order to think I need chaos, I need a pile of problems flying around me, I need messy and inspiring surroundings in order to work. Since my life is based on stories, living them and making them up, my surrounding need to be like a movie setting, sort of. I find my solutions when life shows me its most stressful side. No control gives me a freedom to create and wake up to a new morning to a day full of creation, I create it all as I move forward in life. The world feels like one big stage.
Sometimes this causes some difficulties with people who like to keep order of things and feel in control and I understand them completely, it's just that my inner world disappeares if the mess goes away.
Most of you know this fictional character as Jay Gatsby, a man who calls everyone "old sport" and throws lavish parties at his place. The whole of New York is watching with their guarding eyes. But nobody seems to really know him, nobody knows where he came from, what he does for a living and where he got all his money from. But all Gatsby can see is a life that should always be like a shooting star "my life has to be like this, it has to keep going up". Gatsby is a self made man who felt ashamed of being poor, suffered from a fear of oblivion. And then he fell in love with Daisy. He was only 17 and wore a uniform as a status symbol, a hero of war maybe wealthier in her eyes when he met her the first time. And Gatsby looked at her like every girl wants to be looked at, but he wanted to save the moment, a man like him who wants to succeed should not fall in love, but he did and he let it all go. Suddenly he started building up an imaginary future for him and Daisy he watched over his parties wanting Daisy to visit them. He lived next door to her, there is only water and a green light between them and everytime he sees the green light he thinks of her. People, including Daisy are attracted to the so called primadonna life. They need the glitter, the sparkling wine, they want to bath in wealth but they don't really notice the persona of Gatsby. He watches over them, sees them as something close to heaven, his life is controlled by his thoughts, his inner world and he talks a lot about the past.
When we fall in love we sometimes see the person as we want that person to be, our version of them. Sometimes they seem very close to perfection, like a piece of art behind a glass window that says "don't touch". And you start planning your future together, but it's all in your mind but it makes everything so beautiful. Every little tear seems like a diamond, every little wind blowing through your hair seems like a sign of something greater we can't see. And what about the real life? This person might value youth, beauty and money more than anything but you can't see that since love has made you blind and you don't want to see the ugly truth behind the beauty, you want to capture every moment. And that one look in their eyes or that one smile can change your future forever. This happened to me and this happened to Gatsby.
Somehow I always knew my life would be like that, being able to see the beauty in others, enjoying the situation from far.
And I think that the death of Gatsby reprsents the realization of how cold this world really is. Even the kindest hearst have trouble fighting through life. He hears Daisy calling him on the phone while in his swimming pool, and at the same time a man pulls the trigger and he keeps going down, the person who always should be going up. Your whole life can be hide behind a few sentences, your whole life can happen in a few seconds but understanding it can take some time.
Before I was born I was told I had strong heart that would carry me through life no matter what happens. And I want to be the Gatsby who survived. I don't need fame or fortune, all I need is the feeling of accomplishing something greater, so that I can finally live the dream I've been building for myself in my head for a long long time now.
I want to remember how the sun touched my back and I held on to that moment and how my feet touched the ground and how I looked at my home town in the same way that Gatsby looked at New York. So close, yet so far away. The Great Gatsby touched my soul like nothing else has ever done, it truly did. How can we people be so blind that we hide under luxurious clothing and fake smiles? Is that the beauty in the pain?
I wish I could have met Scott F. Fitzgerald and tell him that I really felt the same way as he did, for he is the real Jay Gatsby.
Music has a special function in my life, if my life would be seen as a movie, the music would function as its soundtrack.
Trying to be artsy.