I know I have written about this before, so if you've read my other posts on here, then you'd know that I've struggled with an eating disorder and depression since i was around 8-9 years old (I'm soon to be 22 years). The e.d. will most likely always be there, and it's something that I've come to accept. It, along with my depression, is as much apart of my life as my job, friends and family, some times you notice and think about it more than others, but it's always there.
It's weird how much confidence can shift from day to day, hour to hour and even second to second. At one second I feel confident, I think I look nice - possibly even beautiful -, a sense of accomplishment is there. Then the next, I'm at a low point, feeling disgusted with myself, crying when I look myself in the mirror and / or at old photos because of how I look. The e.d and the depression holds equal amount of responsibility for that, because one doesn't often go without the other. The depression can open a door that once was locked, just enough for the e.d. to slip through and plant another seed to grow, take it's grip and create another personal hell consisting of self-doubt, self-hatred, self-loathing, the feelings of disgust, helplessness, unworthy, unloved, uncared-for and the list goes on. It takes one thing, one second, and me feeling empowered is gone, as if it never existed. The thing is that it doesn't go back the same day, it usually takes a few days and if it's gotten a tighter grip then a few months isn't out of the ordinary. It's complicated yet so simple to understand, at least for someone whom has struggled with similar problems.
There are periods of time in which I feel rather well, some where it's been quite great even. In the more recent one to two years, these good periods have sometimes lasted well over nine months which is remarkable for me. Before, we talked a couple of weeks, a month at most, and now nine months?? How does that even happen? What have I done differently these years as to what I did prior? I have one answer which is this; I've grown, matured, accepted the illnesses and work with them rather than against them. Sometimes I "let" the depression get a bit worse than I'd like to, just on the edge of me not being able to handle it, and then I try and focus back to where I want to be in my mind. It sounds weird, "let the depression get what it want" which is basically what I said. This doesn't always work and it's not always in my control, sometimes it goes too far on it's own and that's what scary. If I'm the one "letting" it go a little further than I'd personally like it to, then I'm the one in control instead of it regulating me. There's a difference, a vast difference that can be hard to understand, but trust me, it can be harder to explain.
So the fight still needs to be fought, there's no changing that. I still have my medication that I should be taking frequently but I don't because I want to try and live without them. It's not a strong medication but it's enough for my mind to be slightly more at ease, I still get depressed when I'm on them but they usually don't get that bad. Even now when I'm off them (against medical advisement) they don't get as bad as they used to either, but when they do, getting through it isn't the easiest thing to do. It can be done, but it takes a whole lot of strength and dedication to feel better, even though I know it won't last. It's not hopeless, just tiring sometimes. The fight still needs to be fought.
xx Steph xx