I know I have written about this before, so if you've read my other posts on here, then you'd know that I've struggled with an eating disorder and depression since i was around 8-9 years old (I'm soon to be 22 years). The e.d. will most likely always be there, and it's something that I've come to accept. It, along with my depression, is as much apart of my life as my job, friends and family, some times you notice and think about it more than others, but it's always there.

It's weird how much confidence can shift from day to day, hour to hour and even second to second. At one second I feel confident, I think I look nice - possibly even beautiful -, a sense of accomplishment is there. Then the next, I'm at a low point, feeling disgusted with myself, crying when I look myself in the mirror and / or at old photos because of how I look. The e.d and the depression holds equal amount of responsibility for that, because one doesn't often go without the other. The depression can open a door that once was locked, just enough for the e.d. to slip through and plant another seed to grow, take it's grip and create another personal hell consisting of self-doubt, self-hatred, self-loathing, the feelings of disgust, helplessness, unworthy, unloved, uncared-for and the list goes on. It takes one thing, one second, and me feeling empowered is gone, as if it never existed. The thing is that it doesn't go back the same day, it usually takes a few days and if it's gotten a tighter grip then a few months isn't out of the ordinary. It's complicated yet so simple to understand, at least for someone whom has struggled with similar problems.

There are periods of time in which I feel rather well, some where it's been quite great even. In the more recent one to two years, these good periods have sometimes lasted well over nine months which is remarkable for me. Before, we talked a couple of weeks, a month at most, and now nine months?? How does that even happen? What have I done differently these years as to what I did prior? I have one answer which is this; I've grown, matured, accepted the illnesses and work with them rather than against them. Sometimes I "let" the depression get a bit worse than I'd like to, just on the edge of me not being able to handle it, and then I try and focus back to where I want to be in my mind. It sounds weird, "let the depression get what it want" which is basically what I said. This doesn't always work and it's not always in my control, sometimes it goes too far on it's own and that's what scary. If I'm the one "letting" it go a little further than I'd personally like it to, then I'm the one in control instead of it regulating me. There's a difference, a vast difference that can be hard to understand, but trust me, it can be harder to explain.

So the fight still needs to be fought, there's no changing that. I still have my medication that I should be taking frequently but I don't because I want to try and live without them. It's not a strong medication but it's enough for my mind to be slightly more at ease, I still get depressed when I'm on them but they usually don't get that bad. Even now when I'm off them (against medical advisement) they don't get as bad as they used to either, but when they do, getting through it isn't the easiest thing to do. It can be done, but it takes a whole lot of strength and dedication to feel better, even though I know it won't last. It's not hopeless, just tiring sometimes. The fight still needs to be fought.

xx Steph xx

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Hello, you lovely people in the world :) I have a question for you, have I ever told you how much I L O V E to watch films and series and going to the movies? I even love to go to the movies alone because then the only one I need to ask what film to watch is myself - as selfish as that might sound - and I love it. If I want to watch the same movie for a second time, I can, but if I’m going with someone else, that other person needs to be okay with it and you have to agree with a film and it can be quite difficult in my experience.

Today I watched The Greatest Showman, which has been INCREDIBLY hype up by the media - as in youtubers, celebrities etc - but I tried not to have high hopes with the risk of getting disappointed. Now, did I get disappointed? Not really, I thought it was really good but not as good as everyone else seems to think. The songs and the performances - if I say so - were incredibly catchy and entertaining, nothing “wrong” with them and the acting wasn’t bad either. I think I’m not as impressed as everyone else because it was so hyped up, makes sense? I’m not sure. Also, my emotional uterus made me cry every time there was a song about being proud of who you are, coming together etc, which was basically the entire film. Anyway, I do think it’s worth a watch if you like catchy as fuck music, performances and a story about “outcasts” coming together and creating a home in a place that’s anything but accepting of who they are.

Now, as I’m writing this, I’m in a different cinema (same day), about to watch the Maze Runner: the Death Cure for the second time. Do I think it’s SO INCREDIBLY GOOD I NEED TO WATCH IT AGAIN? Not sure, I was really tired the first time I saw it and haven’t been able to let it go, so I thought I’d watch it again hahaha I swear I need help.

*THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE CONTAINS SPOILERS FROM THE DEATH CURE*


I’m sure my emotion uterus will make me cry when Newt dies and when his letter is read because I was externally close to start crying last time, but now it’s a whole other game for me hahaha


*SPOILER IS DONE*

Other than watching films, I’ve gotten my allergy shots, had a latte and a blueberry smoothie to drink which was very tasty. I’ve done all of this alone and I love it. If there’s anything to take away from this it’s to take time to do whatever you want, even alone if you can. I personally think it’s important to do things alone just because you can. Why? Because then it won’t limit you if you want to do something and none of your friends can or want to do it with you, because you can do it anyways. It’s a bit awkward the first time/s but once you’ve done it a few times it gets easier and relaxing. But then again, I’m a person whom loves to be alone, and not everyone is like that and that is okay. It’s just a thought for you :)

I’ll have a new post for you Saturday about a very important subject, so keep an eye out for that one!

xx Steph xx

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​​​​Pictures for two of the latest videos I've edited.

​In the latest post I wrote about how there are a lot of things that I love to do but don't always seem to have the time to do. Today I've been working 7:15am to 4pm, I went to the dentist at 11am (basically worked from 7.15-10.30 and then 12-4pm) and I've edited three videos that'll be up on tonight at 7pm GMT (20:00 in Stockholm), one on Sunday  and one next Sunday. The two Sunday videos goes together, otherwise I'd have a video for next Wednesday ready. With this said, the point is that you always have time to do the things you love, you just need to prioritize​. If I did what my eyelids wanted I would've taken a nap, but I knew that if I did then I'd just sleep through the night and I had three videos to edit and upload. I also wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy but that couldn't be a priority today. If you want to do something, then you'll make time for it, in one way or another.

Speaking of making time... It seems like there'll only be one post per week most weeks, I hope that's okay. It's just that with work and posting three videos a week on my youtube channel takes up A LOT of time and I also need to workout and such so it's a little tough to make time because I do need sleep for some reason.. I do thoroughly​ enjoy writing on this blog but I feel as though some people, whom might be reading this, might think that I'm just using it to promote my channel and that is 100% not why I'm on here. I LOVE writing and I've always loved it, especially telling stories and writing on a blog is quite similar only that the main "character" is oneself and there's only one person whom decides how it all will end up. You're your own hero. 

I'll try to post more often but I'm not making any promises that it'll happen. I could post a huge quantity on here but then the quality of the posts wouldn’t be even decent. So I’m going for quality even though that means that I’ll be posting maybe just once a week at times where I actually have something to say. What do you think about that? Where do you stand on this? Would you rather one posts often just to post, or post less but then having a reason to do it, to share something? I’m interested to know how you all see on this :)

xx Steph xx

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Photos from between filming and editing yesterday's video (watch it here)

Want to know what I love? Making videos, watch tv-shows / films / youtube, read books, makeup and believe it or not, write on this blog. I. Love. It. All. The tricky thing is that all of it is highly time consuming. It takes time to prepare to film, actually filming, then edit, export, upload, add the annotations and of course promote it on various different social media platforms. TV-shows, films, youtube and books I feel like are self-explanatory. With make up you first of all need to have the products you need, then come up with a look unless you're winging it and just see what happens, then apply it to your face and/or body, possibly take photos of the created look, and rinse it off. Then we have the blog, personally I feel like pictures are important otherwise it's just a text, I also feel like only pictures are more acceptable than just a text (even though I've done that too). But with the blog it's the posts concept, taking photos - if I'm in them then what am I wearing and how should my makeup be or maybe no makeup at all? How about accessories? -, edit the photos, import and upload, figure out how to place them in the post and of course writing the post itself. It. All. Takes. A. Lot. Of. Time. And then I have my actual paying job to go to and workouts.

I don't know where exactly I'm going with this. Maybe it's to say that I need to plan better and get more organized with my time. I don't sleep during the night so maybe I need to try and do something about that, I mean, no wonder I'm exhausted during the day. Yes, I need to get more organized and plan my time better. But that's easier said than done, isn't it?

Do more of what makes you happy, even if it takes time. Because then, all you have to do is to make time and there you go! (I probably will acting as a "preach", but maybe you will haha)

xx Steph xx

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HEYJOOOO! So, makeup, yeh? YES. Makeup, all though I'm not the best at it, I still really enjoy it! I've been trying to get better at it and to be more bold with what I do. What I love about makeup is that it's CREATIVE, you can literally transform your face into what ever you want. You can play with colors, mish-match and do whatever the f*ck you want. You can be inspired by literally anything and everything, your life, your mood, flowers, war, friends, love, hate. A N Y T H I N G.

When I was a child, let's say around 4-10, I LOVED the color combination of green and blue, and red and orange, I thought it was the best thing ever so every time I was coloring, I used those two combinations. Always. So this look, the above pictures, are inspired by that and also by Linda Hallberg whom is one of the most talented MUAs I've ever seen. Honestly, go and check out her blog, instagram and youtube channel, if you love makeup, you will not regret it!

Products used:

Cover | FX Illuminating Primer

Benefit POREfessional Primer

Benefit Boi-ing Brightening Concealer in No. 1

Lancôme Miracle Air De Teint in 02

Kat von D Lock-It Concealer in L9 Neutral

Benefit Stay Don't Stray (eyeshadow primer)

NARS Loose Translucent Setting Powder

NARS Bronzer in Laguna

ABH Cream Contour

ABH Brow Definer in Ebony

ABH Clear Brow gel

Linda Hallberg Cosmetics Infinity Palette Cigar (contour), Milky Way (hightlighter).

Linda Hallberg Cosmetics Flash Crayons in Avoir (eyes) and Atria (lips)

Linda Hallberg Cosmetics Core Crayon in Black

Linda Hallberg Cosmetics Enchanted Secrets in Ethereal (eyes) and Orphic (lips)

Too Faced Better Than Sex Waterproof Mascara

Benefit Roller Lash

Ardell False Lashes in no. 113

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Some of my tries for a thumbnail haha

Hello, you lovely lot! How are you? I hope you're well and that all your loved ones are well :)

As you may or may not know, I'm currently working SUPER hard on my youtube channel, I'm trying really hard to post more consistent and it's been working quite well so far (even though it's only been about a month)... As of this week, I'm posting three videos per week always at 7pm GMT (kl. 20:00). On Wednesdays I make videos about TV-Shows, films or books, as in a share some of my favorites shows, films and books and every know and then I might even do a book haul. On Fridays (which is today) I talk more about things concerning mental health and mental illness, talking about that was how I started my channel but I stopped for some reason and now I'm bringing it back again (which I am SO excited about!). The last day I'm uploading is on Sundays and that is the only day where I don't have a reoccurring theme each week, but I post whatever I want to post.

Posting as much as I do, is super time consuming and it takes a lot of energy, especially considering that I have a job I need to go to as well. Like I said earlier in this post, I'm trying to up my youtube game (working hard on my channel) and therefor it take more time, I'm now more picky with what I upload. For every video I make sure that I like the video and that the thumbnail is custom made because the ones youtube gives as alternative always makes me look as though I'm possessed by a demon or something alike. When I edit the video I'm more critical on myself, do my eyes look dead? Can you see if I'm thinking of what to say next whilst speaking? Do I seem passionate about what the video is about? Does it seem as though I'm enjoying filming the video? Does my point come across or am I just rambling on for no reason? Then I also make sure that if I'm not happy with the video then I'm not uploading before I've re-filmed the video, even if it means that the video will be late - no more "uploading for the sake of uploading", but more thinking of the quality of the video(s.

Another thing I mentioned earlier in this post is that I've only been posting consistently for about a month, but within this month I've come to realize even more that I genuinely love to film, edit and upload videos onto youtube. I don't have many subscribers and I barley get any views, but I still love it and will continue with creating content. The most important thing is that I love what I do and then if people wants to subscribe, give thumbs up etc then I do get very happy about it, but that's not why I do it. I just really love youtube haha even though I do not agree with some of their morals and ethics but you can't have it all, can you?

If you're curious about my channel then I will link it here :)

xx Steph xx

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A selfie and some not-in-focus deers I saw during my walk two days ago.

Hi loves, I know it's been about 2394 years since I lasted posted and apparently that was me being "back again"... Well, I'm not going to say that I'm back on this platform again because we all know that it might take another four months until I post again, but hopefully that will not happen :)

So, as we all know, 2017 is (finally) over and 2018 has now begun. That means that the gyms are full from top to toe for the next possibly two months and then it'll be the same people as always, am I right or am I right? hahah But on a serious note, 2017 wasn't all that bad to be fair (click to watch my Top 10 Things Of 2017 ), even though a lot of bad things happened all over the world and to be honest, they probably will continue to happen. But what matters isn't the bad things that occurs but how they are dealt with during and after, and I've seen humanity in it's best form (i.e. one love Manchester). Something else that was good during 2017 was the #metoo movement. I was a bit worried that it would just be a "fashion fly" and so after awhile just stop being talked about, but I'm pleasantly surprised that it's still going, not under the same hashtag but the movement is going towards an end of sexual assault, harassment, discrimination and abuse "TimesUp. They worse black at the Golden Globes this year to stand in solidarity with everyone and anyone who's been silenced by discrimination, abuse and harassment and Natalie Portman so flawlessly shaded the category for Best Director by saying "And here are the all male nominees". Love it. Amazing. Brilliant. AND Before anyone says "maybe the males were just better" ugh, no. Greta Gerwig DIRECTED the film that won Best Picture and the leading role in the film won Best Actor. Greta Gerwig directed the film Lady Bird which won and Saoirse Ronan (leading roll in Lady Bird) whom also won, but Greta still wasn't nominated for Best Director. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?? UGH. I just have to add the wearing black as a symbol of solidarity was a weak move and wasn't making a stand what so ever. Honestly, people whom came in black suits (this is the most common which is why I write that, probably some in dresses as well) whom had no idea what was going on but still got seen as "standing in solidarity". They should've picked a different color, red maybe? The thought was good but the execution of it was poor.

Oh well, here's to a better and brighter 2018! :) Here's a video of my goals for 2018

"I want all the girls watching to know a new day is on the horizon. And when the new day finally dawns, it will be because of a lot of magnificent women, many of whom are right here in this room tonight, and some pretty phenomenal men, fighting hard to make sure that they are the leaders to take us to the time where nobody has to say 'me too' again." - Oprahs' speech at the Golden Globes 2018

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Hi people of the world! TODAY has been a good day so far. The weather were better today than it has been all summer, so I treated myself to a soy latte, sitting on the stairs at the square looking up at the clear blue sky and have the sun shine on my face. Granted, the sun isn’t warm but it was still nice haha

I also had a rather bad workout, didn’t really do much today just some leg exercises. Am I the only one who HATES when school classes goes to the gym? I don’t know why but I really dislike it and always do a worse workout than I would do otherwise. Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s like this? UGH

In a few hours I will have my first Skype meeting with an acting school in Los Angeles which I’m really nervous about. I highly doubt anything will happen from this but it’s still pretty exciting. ☺️

OH, I just want to say that I LOVE the Nike shoes I’m wearing in the photo, I got them on the mid-season sale and they’re amazingly comfortable to walk in. Love them.

xx Steph

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​Picture from when I had a coffee and read a book at a cafe between work shifts :) Seen on my IG stephschaerfer

HIIIIIIIIIIIIII PEOPLE OF THE INTERWEB! I'm pretty sure a youtube says that, either DanIsNotOnFire or if it's Jim Chapman.. Pretty sure it's Dan though. No copyright intended hahah It's been a while, since the last time said hi. Last I swung by was in Italy and that's 5 months ago.. The reason I didn't upload when we got to Barcelona P.G. was 1) there really wasn't much to blog about and 2) the wifi was absolut SHIT so even if there were something to blog about I couldn't, it took ages to get something up on the Sicily blog - http://nouw.com/sicily ​​-.

Anyways, after a very long break from bloggning (and my youtube channel) I'm trying to get back into it. I'm also trying to enjoy life more and appreciate​ the world around me more. I do love bloging and vlogning, even editing is fun even though I'm not the best at it, I'm trying to learn more and more as I go. Like I said, I'm trying to enjoy life more which include doing more of the things that I love to do, e.g. filming, editing, taking photos, posting on here, being with friends, going to the gym, listning to music and singing at the top of my lungs even though I probably shouldn't hahah It's about the little things and the more you do the little things you like, the bigger it's going to be due to them all adding up :)

xx Steph

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Hello there, friends :) Although everything is "suposed" to be great in Italy, well not just Italy but just over all when you're away from home, as in for example a Holliday. It's supposed to be great because you're on this adventure of which you're so incredibly lucky to be apart of and to experience. I also happen to be here with someone who's growing to be a good friend of mine, so who am I to complain about this? - I know I've written before about how I don't trust people and that I don't dare to call someone my friend until they do so of me, because what if insult them by calling them my friend? :/ And I'm pretty sure that she has called me her friend before... though even if she hasn't, why would she be in Italy with me for 3,5 weeks if we weren't? It's not as if I have these great social skills or can be a good "wing woman" to her or anything. But I guess there must be something, about me that made her think it'll be a good idea, right? -

The problem though is that I'm not that happy now, though I have two theories as to why that is;

1) I'm an ambivert, which means that I'm a mix between an extrovert and introvert, which in turn means that I can be very social at times and get energy from it, but I may also need time for myself to just relax and recharge without any bigger amount of social interaction. I've been with Frida CONSTANTLY since Thursday 1:45am on the 4th of May and though I do like her company and we have fun, and there are times where we just lay in bed on our phones doing nothing (which are my favorite moments haha), it does take a lot of my energy.

2) I took my anti-depressants for the first time in ages today and they do make you feel worse before you feel better.

It could of course be a mix of both. The point is that I'm not feeling well, about me, my looks, my mental state, being in Italy, being out of control (as in not having control not going crazy). I like it to be quiet sometimes, I like staying at home and watching a good tv-show or film and go out and explore the city (unless it's like 24135 degrees outside) and Frida likes to be at the gym, workout (which I do to just not in the same extent) and she like to out and dance (which she is kinda good at too) and I'm just, don't really like that.. I'll have to go out though because I can't leave her to go out and drink alone, wouldn't even do that back home.

Anyhow, enough of my babbling, here are some pictures from when we took the train from Palermo to Barcellona Pozzo di Gotto :)

Love,

Steph

PS. Sorry for the bad quality photos, it was rather difficult to get a clean photo when the train was moving and the window was very dirty as you can probably tell.. DS.

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