Tonight a friend of mine and I will go out to a local bar, or club. I don't really know what to call it. The reason why is because one of our favorite groups are playing their music the whole night. When we saw that this event was going to take place very nearby we told each other that we had to go. Fun fact, we share some braincells. Or maybe even brain. Because honestly, we think exactly alike in some situations. We literally finish each others sentences sometimes and all of this stuff you know. So yeah, basically we had to go (or we will go).

Right now I am preparing myself for tonight. Well not right exactly now though because I am writing here but you get what I'm trying to say. I have done my nails because they looked ratchet as fuck before. I tend to go completely loco with the colors when I do my nails and end up looking like a child who's attending kindergarten. So I fixed it. Or at least I hope so. My nails look more "adult-ish" now, if that's even an expression.

I have to fix my hair and find something to wear. Also I need to re-do my makeup because it's not looking fresh anymore. You know I've been wearing the same makeup since this morning so yeah I need to erase and re-do.

My friend will come and pick me up within like an hour or so. Not really sure actually. How ever I think I will notice pretty well whenever she's here.

You know I was thinking this whole day about how much I want to change my lifestyle. It's not like I feel I live in a "wrong" or even "bad" way. I just want to change my way of prorating and so on. I mean, for example I don't need new clothes, it's just something I buy because I want to look "good" if you can put it that way. Buying clothes just makes me feel good for the moment, then afterwards I'm like shit, I could've spent that money on something that's actually worth more to be than just clothing. How ever I think that will have to be another blogpost because right now I have to start preparing myself properly.

gOOD ByE

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Right now everything here in life feels impossible. It feels like only "special" people, what ever that means, can do what they want. It's really hard to understand that everyone belongs to the "special" people category. I mean, everyone has the ability to become whatever they want to be. You just got to fight for it.

I remember when I was a kid and I used to believe that the "world" was my neighbor. If we would ever go to the store, and especially when we had to take the car somewhere, that was a big deal. Because growing up I had all of my friends, all of our favorite places to hangout at and our school very nearby. Therefore I felt like that was my world. I was going to work and live with my family at the exact same location. Or at least I thought so back then.

When I grew up, took my drivers license and met another new friend who were (and still is) a lot like me, I started to realize all of the possibilities that I actually had.

This friend and I went out a lot. Driving to different cities. Traveling. We had so much fun and I realized that I've been kind of like a prisoner in my own town. Now, this might be worth adding to the content, I have always lived in the same (boring, shitty and worthless) town. It's a very small one, where everyone knows everyone. If you walk to the store you'll recognize 98% of the costumers and workers there.

I started thinking about my life and what I could actually do. How much I could discover, just if I wanted to. I have the whole world left to see, so I can't just live in my own neighbor forever. This city is a safe place to grow up but it's nothing for me anymore. I only live once, and I want to see the world with my own eyes and not only through pictures or videos or movies. I wanna be there too.

I am going to travel. After school and maybe further studies my goal is to travel. Around the whole world. Because just watch me.

//cA

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Ok I just need to write down some shit here. First of all I have my period. Which might not be the funniest thing to know, but I just have to tell someone that my stomach hurts so bad and I feel so bad. I have to sit in the weirdest ways possible to make my stomach hurt less, and shit, I want to have chocolate! Or something sweet, candy works too. Or something salt, like chips maybe. I don't know but I have been struggling through the whole day in school.

Otherwise I was thinking about one thing. Soon, or like in a few months, more like half a year, we are going to have this thing with our school, that all students who graduates goes through. It's prom. And today before our last class started one of the girls that I am with during school said to my other friends at the same table:

"You know this guy (his name, let's pretend his name if fucking Rob or something). He send me a snapchat yesterday, asking if I would go to prom". And we were like, alright - cool, whatever. But then she continued the story: "But you know, I don't want to go with Rob, I don't even know him so I feel like it would just be very embarrassing". My other friend answered something but I don't even remember. "I want to go with my boyfriend, so I texted him that back". We all were like alright girl.

Problem is, I haven't been thinking about this but people already ask people out on prom. I just feel like I am not going to be asked by anyone. Like seriously, I am fucking ugly. But reality just hit me. Because I have always been thinking like, omg, it's so far away, but it's actually not. And people will go to prom, and I will probably be the only one who is not going. Because who, WHO, whats to go with me. Let me make that short answer for you, NO ONE. I feel like if people already ask people out, I am not going to be asked. But why would someone, there are so many other pretty girls at my school, so people better ask them, not me.

Truthfully though. I would really like to go to prom. It's just once in a life. So of course it would be cool. But I just don't think anyone's going to ask, and I am too afraid to ask myself.

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I just want to erase what is bothering me all day everyday. Like erase it from my memory and never have to be reminded of it ever again. But I am reminded, in fact things remind me of bad stuffs every single day. And I do not feel good about it.

For example everything about my dad, grandmother and grandfather (on his side). Everything about them started 10 years ago. Which basically means, that I have been living in this nightmare more than half my life. I don't think that I have mentioned this whole situation here on this blog before. Mainly because I am ashamed of what happened, even though it wasn't my fault at all. I was only 8 years old and I knew more about alcohol then any other kid my age would (and should) know. I knew what kind of "brands" were the "strongest" ones. I knew exactly what my dad was drinking, how much he was drinking - because I found the empty cans everywhere around the apartment. Hidden, so that I wasn't supposed to find and see them.

And my grandmother and grandfather on my dads side were drinking pretty heavily too. They were more controlling though. My grandfather for example, did not drink a lot when I was staying at their place. But my grandmother did. And since I was so little when this all happened I just remember them sitting by the kitchen table pouring up another glass after the other of just beer. And they didn't drink out of these normal sized glasses. They had these "special" beer-glasses, that were a lot bigger than a normal glass. Now I don't really remember how they were. How they acted when they were drunk. Just because I was so young, approximately 6-7 years. And the fact that I just have like pictures of this in my mind, without actually remember how they were, kind of scares me.

I was pretty smart at a young age. I learned quickly and I liked learning. When I had learnt something, I remembered it - forever. What my dad was drinking went pretty fast for me to understand. I knew how much alcohol it was, I knew what it cost (because sometimes he brought me with him to the liquor-store). It was horrible.

I don't really know why I write this here. But it feels really good sharing this - finally. Because all these years I have kept this to myself. I haven't told anyone about it. Because it's not really something I want people to know. It feels like people think that I am the same, since it's "in the family". And I don't want to be related to these kind of things, because I hate all that it has done. Some way you can say that the alcohol separated me and my dad. Because apparently drinking was highly important and prioritized by my father - I was just second. And still to this day it hurts. All that I have gone through. All that has happened.

Everyday when I wake up I get reminded of these things. And it's not really a good feeling. You know my dad doesn't know me anymore. He knew me when I was 8 years old. I am 18 now (soon 19) - and pretty different from back then. He has missed my whole "growing-up". To be honest he feels more like a stranger to me now, not my dad. It does really hurt.

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Ok so in about three hours I am going to the hair salon to get my hair fucking cut. I have not been to the hair salon for one and a half year now. So my hair has just been growing like hell. The only thing I've done is that I have "trimmed" or what ever you call it, the very ends of my hair myself. But that's just like one cm or so. So as you probably can imagine my hair looks like complete shit. Like honestly it looks like a mess. A horrible mess ugh! So finally I got my lazy ass to call and book a time at the salon. When I was calling I asked for the earliest time that they had, and they were like "hmm tomorrow we have a time".. and I was just like "I'LL TAKE IT".

Because honestly, this hair needs a new fresh fucking haircut because oh lord it looks like shit.

The funny, or funny and funny, I don't know, but the thing is that I haven't told my best friend this yet and I haven't told my mom or my sister or anyone. No one knows that I am getting a haircut. So it's kind of funny because I did this exact same thing a year and a half ago when I cut my hair. You know I didn't tell anyone about it and just showed up in school with short hair and everyone was like O.O but they liked it tho obviously. How ever I am not this type who is keeping everything to myself like this. But I just feel like getting a haircut is something that is so silly to tell everyone else about. Or I don't know how to explain it. I don't even know how to explain it in Swedish and therefore it gets extremely difficult for me to say it in english. But like, I just feel like it is one of these things that people deep down just simply don't give a shit about you know.

But my best friend and I are going to one of the biggest shopping places around tomorrow and when she sees me she is going to freak out hahaha. But it's going to be fun tho, to see her reaction and everything.

How ever this haircut, I don't even know how I want to cut my hair. I just know I want it waaaay shorter. Because short hair is kind of my "thing". You know ever since I was little I have always had (and preferred) short hair. I remember that overtime my mom cut our hair (me and my sisters) my sister wanted to keep her hair long but I wanted it to be short to my shoulders. So then my mom cut it that way. I have always been liking my hair more when it's short though. And in between now when it's been growing for over a year and a half I just feel like it's disgusting.

Because my hair has this weird like texture to it, it's as if I have dyed my hair once a day almost, very frizzy and almost like "plastic", but at the same time very thick. And every time I let my hair grow out like this it always turn out this way. Super frizzy, super thick and not in a good condition. But when my hair is shorter, it just naturally becomes better. It gets lighter (obviously), fresher, shinier and not frizzy at all. So that's probably one of the reasons why I like short hair so much too. But like I said, I have always preferred short hair. So honestly, I really don't understand why I just let my hair grow this much in-between my haircuts because I really need to cut it more often and keep it nice and in a good length.

Enough said about my fucking hair. But, next time I'll update this blog, my hair will be shorter.

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