How will i love again?

I have always wanted to speak english as my first language. When i was thinking of this blog the main thing was which language i was gonna do it. Well finnish is my first language so it is easier to do it in finnish.

But maybe i will change sometimes with some topic to english. And this is that kind of topic.

Love is something i struggle at this moment. The meaning of love is lost somewhere. The appility to love is lost and i don’t know when i will find it again. Don’t get me wrong i have tried but it had never paid off in a way i would liked it to be.

It’s really hard to love someone or somebody when you don’t love yourself. I know that i need to love myself first and then somebody else but it’s really hard to do this alone.

I have friends, i have lot of friends but they have their own lives to take care of. So i don’t have somebody who will wake up in the middle of the night because i am sad. I don’t have a person who will think of me first and look after me. So this is what i mean when i say i am alone. Nobody is there with me when im home. And every bad seizure there is there nobody with me to help me go through it cause im home alone.

When im at my lowest i don’t think im worthy of anything. In that state of mind how will anybody else think that or that’s how it feels for me.

I don’t have that good of a love life now or in the past. I have been used mentally/emoutionally. I have been replaced. I haven’t never felt love. That kind of love that you would read, see or hear somewhere.

I can’t say that the lack of partners in this moment is somebody else’s fault only. It is my fault also. I have made mistakes along the way but most of the men i have dated or tried to date haven’t been so nice. So after alot of heartbreaks and dissapointments and just pure sorrow. I haven’t felt like there is hope for me in this typical area.

It doesn’t help to hear those famous word that the prince charming is right around the corner. Well i am sorry but i don’t buy that. I don’t think that there is. Maybe in couple years there could be but now after everything i’ve gone through i don’t think so.

It really hurts that i have to feel like this. I have always been the one who believes in love ever after. True love’s and everything that you would hear in a fairytale. I always had hope even after all the heartbreaks and dissapointments. I always had hope. I would think that i was unique and with a right person somebody would love me. Well am i that? Am i or am i just regular who blends but in this case just blends too well and nobody notices me.

I am loved i know that but im loved in a different way i guess. My friends and family loves me but it’s different kind of love. It’s so selfish to say but it’s not enough. I want like anybody else to be loved in every way.

These are my reflections on this. I just maybe wanted to pour everything out of my mind on a piece on paper on well website.

PS. I know i have some spelling mistakes in there so be kind with my english

~loove Lisa