I have been feeling so lonely and stressed the past days. I talk to my friends on Kik and snapchat, but I still feel lonely. I wish I could just be happy, like really feel happy.
I can easily fake my feelings but then I will get two times worse afterwards.

It's my mums birthday today, and they decided to leave me home. So my parents and sister is out doing something. I don't really mind, we aren't a perfect family and it feels more like I just live here and not really is a part of the family. I never spend much time with them.

I'm not looking forward to summer, I get so easily depressed of all the days with nothing. When I'm at school I do stuff, i don't have friends there, but school keeps my mind occupied.

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One of my biggest fears is to not being good enough.
I'm constantly trying to do my best (even if it's total failure) because I just can't deal with the afterward thought of what I could have done different, what I could have done better.
Almost every nightmare I have is based on fear. The fear for not making my cosplay done until the Con's I'm entering, the fear of not doing good on tests and presentations, the fear or not loosing weight, the fear of people looking at me and talking behind my back.
There is a lot of fears, and these are just 0,5% of the fears I have. I'm basically afraid of everything, and it makes me weak to think of.
Whenever I try to be brave and do the things I like, it feels like I'm taking one step forward, but get pushed five steps back.
I'm afraid of sleep, I'm afraid of what kind of nightmares I'm gonna have. I don't even sleep that much, just laying awake in my bed thinking about everything & nothing.
I wish I could plan my whole life out, a positive life, and just follow the steps towards it until I'm old. I want to plan everything out and sometimes when I can't plan what I'm gonna do i starts to cry in frustration, and after that I cry over how pathetic I am.
Fear has almost taken over my body and I'm afraid to tell my closest friends. I'm not even sure they like me, I wouldn't have liked me, so why would they? It's Internet friends, they come and go, you never know if they actually want to be your friend or just having fun ruining a persons life. I just hope some would stay. Because they are all I have.

xx

  • 14 lesere

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I have been super stressed lately, and had a lot of nightmares. It's literally killing me.
I have no idea what to do to make all this stop.
//
Today it has been sun and rain and that's the weather I love the most.

  • 15 lesere

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