As I've moved through the new year of 2017, I've done so with dragging feet. I have been going to the gym, making myself my morning smoothie, attending my yoga classes, yet still I feel like I have no energy to wake up everyday, no motivation. My passion seems to have vanished and I can't help but wonder why I haven't pushed through this slump already. I'm taking care of my body, aren't I? Shouldn't that mean I should feel good? As I've said in my previous post, everything is connected, so my next step is to look at what am I doing for myself spiritually and emotionally/mentally.
I've been trying to figure out what is making me feel this way. I have this feeling of loss, like the part of myself that is joyful has gone on vacation and the rest of me wasn't invited. I've felt that maybe it's where I'm living, my home town. It's small and there aren't many things going on. It lacks opportunities that bigger cities have; many people within this town struggle with homelessness and addiction. It's hard for me to meet other people who are passionate about life in general, and I spend a lot of time doing things on my own. Could these be reasons that I feel bad? Probably somewhat. For a while I determined that was the issue, but by doing that, I put the power to feel differently out of my hands. I decided I would feel bad until I moved. I was putting the blame on everyone else (nobody else having passion, being surrounded by other people's negativity.) Wait a minute, wasn't I just complaining about my own lack of passion and my own negativity? Our brains are funny sometimes. Maybe it's time to look inward instead of outward.
This time last year I was the most motivated I've ever been in my life. I woke up early everyday, commuted to school, came home, did homework, went to the gym, and worked out super hard. Every night it was hard to sleep, not from anxiety, like I have now, but because I was so excited about what I'd be doing the next day. I was excited to go to the gym, to try my new workout sequence that I was putting together while I was supposed to be sleeping. Every day I was so excited and full of energy. I was super confident and felt on top of the world. Nothing could stop me. I loved myself completely and believed I could do anything.
I lived in the same place I do now. Could school be a factor (another outward cause)? I was staying busier, I was surrounded by more people my age who were passionate and working toward their goals. I was close to graduation, my hard work paying off. After I graduated though, suddenly I was cut loose, a big goal of mine was complete, but I wasn't exactly sure where to go from there. I began to be harder on myself. Being harder on myself was an internal change, not an external one. Life transitions happen for everyone, and they're something we have to adapt to. We aren't superhuman and we can't always have the answers, but that doesn't mean we should think badly about ourselves. We have to trust the universe and trust ourselves. I want to go back to how I felt before, so I started thinking about how.
I am still the same person I was when I felt excited about life and was motivated everyday. I am still just as amazing and just as capable of doing anything I put my mind to. Over time I manifested some kind of negativity inside me that I now have to pep talk out of myself. Before, I was constantly pep talking myself, thinking about how great I was, how much I loved myself and in turn, I loved everything and everyone else too. When I was understanding with myself, I was understanding of everyone. When I felt deserving of love, I gave love freely. It was hard to be in a bad mood or to think badly about anyone. I wasn't thinking about how trapped I felt in my hometown, I was thinking about possibilities.
I didn't get to that place overnight, it took so much time of healing, patience, care, and everyday practicing kindness toward myself. When I practiced it everyday, it eventually became my natural state of being. It was a mantra I told myself, my pep talk, "I love myself. I can do anything. I am amazing. Being alive is amazing. This earth is amazing and there is so much life and so many opportunities. I'm working toward my goals and making progress. Every action I take is an opportunity to be my best self. I'm having fun." At the beginning I didn't feel these things all the time, but I still said them to myself constantly and it became true. When I felt confident in myself, other people saw me as confident, and it became a positive feedback loop.
What I've been doing, going through the motions of self love by taking care of my body, is very important, but I also have to pay attention to how I view the world, and I must self reflect every day. Self reflection is how we learn. I'm going to work on getting back to my self love goddess empowerment. Feeling unempowered or trapped is often easier than looking at ourselves for answers and making changes. It is a path that we are often used to, our brain takes us there before it takes us to self love, but doesn't lead to happiness. I don't want to be stuck going through motions without enjoyment. I don't want to do things just to do them and end up tired all the time. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to enjoy everything I do and have passion for life. So I invite you all to join me in my journey. Self love isn't easy and it doesn't happen overnight, but it's worth it. I have to love myself out of my bad days. This applies to women and to men. Tell yourself every day that you are amazing. Take the steps, baby steps to show yourself the love. Maybe you go the gym for 15 minutes, praise yourself instead of being negative. We all can fall into the trap of being our own biggest critic, but instead, become of your biggest fan. Sweet talk yourself every day, drown out negative voice in your head. Instead of saying "I can't do this. I can't believe I gave up so easily. Fifteen minutes wasn't enough. I feel bad today. I just don't feel up to it." Praise yourself "I did a great thing by going to the gym today, 15 minutes an awesome step in taking care of myself. I am so happy that I dedicated those 15 minutes to myself. I deserve love. I deserve to have fun. I deserve to be happy."
Sweet talking yourself really does make all the difference. Even if you feel negative, remember it's okay, its part of the process, but no matter how negative you feel, you still deserve love. How are we supposed to feel motivated when we feel bad about ourselves? IDK! That's why we have to practice patience and kindness and care to ourselves! When we love ourselves, we want better lives for ourselves. The more we love, the more actions we make to take care of ourselves, and while we do this, we also inspire others to love themselves and take care of themselves too. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.
I hope my reflections can reach and help someone. I dedicate this post to my mom who texted me asking if I would make another blog and gave me great ideas for future posts as well.