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These last months I've seen so much wrong and I started blaming people for were my life was at, but I became so busy blaming others that I lost myself in the process. We can't affect what happens to us in life but we can affect how we handle it from there. I've handled everything wrong, I know that now.

When I found out my sister was sick I wanted to run away and I would do anything to forget my life at home. I told myself if I closed eyes hard enough all of this would just disappear. Denial is a scary thing because if we can deny it why would we ever want to see the truth?
Denying the problem didn't help no matter how busy I kept myself...

When denying didn't work I turned to anger. I was so angry at the world I didn't know what to do. I felt like the world was against me. Why had this happened to my family? The thing with society today is that we are all looking for this magical solution to all of problems yet we still refuse to believe in magic. When blaming others you start to blame yourself as well. I started pushing people away, pushing myself down.... I saw so much wrong in the world and I thought the way to deal with it was to find someone to blame. All i managed to do was loosing myself....

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Im sorry its been so long since last time.. Its been a tough couple of weeks. Today my sister and I got into a fight about something she had done and we screamed at each other until we couldn't scream any more. It got me thinking, I didn't even know if I was screaming at her or the disease... That's hard right now, we've had this problem in my family for two years and I'm starting to forget how things were before and something's are borderline cases when I can't tell if it is the disease or my sister growing up... I guess only time will tell

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Happy Valentines Day everyone. It is the day for the hopeless lovers and the lovers hopelessly inlove. For the rest of us though it is just another reminder of just how lonely we are in this world.

Although today feels like just another excuse for stores to sell roses to the ones inlove and chocolate to the lonely,it gets you thinking about the people you love. It is easy to forget to apprecierat the people we love, our family,our friends and lovers. But one day it might be too late. Somedays I wonder, if I would have been there more for my sister would she still be sick today. If I would have told her that she was beautiful and that I loved her would she still have starved herself? If I would have been there for her the first time would her recovery have been quicker? Its easy to wonder "what if" ones the damage is done but no matter how much you wonder the guilt never goes away. The easiest way to prevent the pain is to make sure you have nothing to regret.

So log of the computer. Go and give your loved ones an extra hug, send a nice message to your best friend and hold your siblings extra tight. Trust me I wish I would go back in time and hug my sister so thight that all her broken pieces mended together. But I cant. We cant change the passed but we can form the future. I love you all. Be safe.

XOXO


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Ever felt alone in a room full of people? ​ Ever felt like you could just disapear and no one would even care? I feel like that a lot lately...

I don't know when or what happened but something inside me changed. I think my sisters condition was just the final string that broke. All of a sudden I feel alone all the time. I feel alone at home, I feel alone at a party and I feel alone at school. New Year, New me seems to work for me just not for the better. I have a hard time having fun anymore and most times I put myself in the corner, observing rather than participating. I guess I wanted to be saved, wanted someone to noticed but no one did. Everyone left and it hurts so much. 

I feel like I am more of a burden than anything else and I am pushing everyone away further and further. It hurts when the people you thought were there for you choose someone else. Every felt like you are lonely even when you are surrounded by people? I've reached a point where I feel like I am on the outside looking in while everyone else is having the time of their lives. I want to be the girl I used to be. Fun, spontanious, light hearted and happy. But I don't know where she is anymore or if I'll ever find her again... The scary thing about pain is that we wear it for so long that we forget that it is not supposed to last forever and somewhere along the way we can't tell what is us and what is the pain. 

I don't blame people for choosing someone else over me. There are prettier girls, smarter girls, and happier girls. I get it. I just wished I could find myself again before it is too late and I get stuck out in the cold never finding a way in again. 

I killed someone, you see. I killed the girl,who used to be me. 


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So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we will never know most of them... But even if we don't have the power to choose were we come from,we can still choose were we go from there. We still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them...

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I smile and people just hink "she's fine". No I am not fine. I smile because that is what you want to see, but actually I am broken and you never saw. All I want is for someone to see that everthing is not fine. Someone to just hold me and tell me its gonna be alright. Instead I push everyone away. I say I am fine and that I'm just tired. I push everyone away cause I am afraid if someone actually asked me "are you really fine?" I would fall apart into a million of tiny little pieces and I would never be able to be fixed again. I push people away because I am afraid that if they knew how I was felling that they wouldn't want to deal with it and choose to leave themselves. I push people away hoping that someone would see that all I want is for someone to stay.

Its been a rough couple of days. Three days of therapy and the passing of a loved one. The last day of therapy we did a exerices which forced us to think about what happened when things were at its worst and I just remembered how my mom and dad would sleep outside of my sisters room to make sure she didn't workout during the night. I remembered how my sister wouldn't talk to me because she hated me, I remembered how I saw my mom and dad break apart not being able to take it anymore. And I remembered how I did everything I could so I wouldn't have to come home. All of a sudden I just couldn't take it anymore and I, who almost never cry, started crying infront of 25 strangers.

I hate when people see me cry because I want to be a strong girl. At the same time though I hate how nobody notices how torn apart and broken I am.

But it was like one of the other siblings said "what hurt the most is to see that you were the one that left". I think we all kind of felt the same eventhough we had different ways of showing it. I think thats the good thing about this multifamily it allows me to talk to people that have been through the same experiences as I have. And evemthough we all have different stories as well, we understand eachother and it makes you feel less alone. 

I am not fine but I know that one day I will be. Until then I will just have to keep on lying. 

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The only time goodbye is painful is when you know there will never be a hello again...

Tonight I lost a close relative that I truly love and the pain is unbearable. I feel like it will never stop hurting. But now she can finally rest because her battle is over. You will forever be in my heart S.


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Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave

Secrets. Some say it brings us closer. Others say that it is what pulls us apart. But one thing is for sure you may think you know someone only to find out they are a universe of secrets.

Why do you smile like you've been told a secret?
Now you're telling lies 'cause you have sworn to keep it
But no one keeps a secret

The hardest secrets are the ones that aren't yours to tell. At school today some asked were I'd been but what can you say? I can't tell the truth without copramising a secret I've sworn to keep but its hard to not tell anyone either. I promised my sister I would not tell people about her disease and it is a secret I will take to my grave if I must because it is the right thing to do and I love my sister but just because it is right doesn't mean it is easy

The one thing that is worse than secrets is the truth. Some truths set us free while others break us apart. You never know before which one it will be. Today I found out such a thing and it broke me. I though I was going to start crying in school for nothing because I didn't know if I could take it anymore. I am tired of all these secrets. Anorexia is full of them. Little secrets my sisters kept so she could stay skinny. Secret demons she has been hiding. But secrets are breaking my family apart. Now my mom and dad are keeping secrets because they think I cant handle it. Dont they know that keeping it from me wont stop me from finding out myself. I see everything going on at home. I hear everything, I understand everything and no matter how much you try, that our family is not the way it used to is no secret to me. 

Can you keep a secret? Sometimes I just wanna run away and never look back. I wanna leave all of this behind and not have to deal with these emotion and the unbearable pain. Sometimes I wish I could just shake my sister and make her disease disapear.But I cant. So for now hush baby because this is a secret you can never tell. 

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Today is the start of something new. And not in a high school musical kind of way with the garantee of a happy ending.

Today is the first day of multifamily. Multifamily is a form of treatment were you meet other families which is suppost to make you feel less alone which might be good because I've never felt more lonely than these two years. Its hard to talk about my little sister being sick because its not my thing to tell and if I tell people usually don't understand. I told a friend three months after the diagnos hoping it would give me someone to talk to but it didn't help. She never asked me about it again, honestly she probably don't think the problem still exsist. I dont blame her. Before all this, before I knew what this disease really was about I would too believe that recovery wouldn't be that hard and that it was only a matter of eating. Thats not true.. Far from it. My sister will never quite get rid of this disease. She will never get back the time she's lost.. And anorexia is about so much more than just eating. 

Anyways today we start a new therapy that hopefully will make this recovery a little bit easier on all of us. The hardest part now is that this is a movie were you want to see the end before you start watching. Well all we can do is hope that it is a hollywood movie and just like in high school musical it will end with happily ever after. 

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