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Igår snörade jag och Sara på oss våra allra bekvämaste skor på och begav oss ut på en slinga som ledde oss genom bostadsområden med fina hus och ännu finare natur. Vi pratade om teorin att man blir lyckligare av att befinna sig ute i naturen, och bekräftade båda att det nog stämmer rätt bra ändå.
Enligt mobilen hade vi vid slutet av kvällen lyckats knata en härliga 1,2 mil och hela 17 000 steg, och under den distansen hunnit med att prata om det mesta som går att prata om, och knäppa en hel del bilder också. Inte illa.

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All pictures from Tumblr. Click for source.

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So I’ve really been wanting to watch all these new movies that came out around last year that have received several nominations and won Oscars and all that, but never really found the time to. Last night I decided to watch a bit of Manchester by the Sea just to get an idea of what all the fuss was about. Instead I ended up watching the whole damn thing.

The movie was quite long and the tone of it was soft and also sad at times, but since I was just supposed to watch the beginning of it and then couldn’t even pause it once, says a lot. It really catched me from the very beginning and then I got stuck.

I really love it when everything about a movie seem almost documentary-like, as if it's taken directly from a live event in real life where everything about the characters, the movie set and the environment, the dialogue and the plot is so life-like, credible and real and not at all like a Hollywood production. Hope you know what I mean, and btw, you should really watch it if you like those kinds of movies as well.

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All my life I’ve been trying to find my own inner self-worth. I think she’s always been there deep inside of me, that strong person with the clear boundaries that I’ve always wanted to get a grip of. Some days she’s just been better at hiding from me, I guess. When she’s been out of reach I’ve found myself fumbling in complete darkness, while I simultaneously let things like other peoples’ disrespectful behaviour and actions wash all over me like an unpleasant, ice cold shower.

My intention here is not to make myself into a martyr. I haven't reached a peak of some sort of "grownup enlightenment" either. That would be ridiculous. I'm constantly growing and learning. I'm an artwork in progress (as cringe-worthy as it may sound) with spots that are always in need to be corrected and enhanced. Also, mistakes happen and bad days do exist. Conditions change from day to day, making you instantly judge a person’s personality, for good and for bad. But it's just that I've learned a lot about myself and other people at a much deeper level over the years, things that have been crucial for my own self-growth.

I've finally come to realise that people who act like shit towards me don't deserve my shit either. Be it old friends or brief acquaintances, coworkers, dates, or strangers, it really doesn’t matter. I’ve realised that they aren't worth any of my time, my words or my patience anymore.

People who have constantly taken my energy and been feeding off of it while giving nothing back - I've hated you, and I still do for a bit, but the person I should be mad at the most is myself. Not to give me more to blame than what's necessary, but it's funny how much your own view of yourself can reflect how other people tend to treat you back.

Being kind, humble and open are all positive traits that are often sought after in other people, but they easily turn into your own inner curse. There’s a fine line between being a generally nice person to have blurred out or even non-existing boundaries that other humans cross just because you let them. And sometimes, simply the wrong people come along and take advantage of you.

I’ve also felt this almost ridiculous need for apologizing in times where an apology was never even necessary to begin with. It has probably done more damage than good, especially when said to overly-proud people who would never even admit they were wrong about anything in the first place. Ever. It's like being sorry for your own existence, making you vulnerable and weak in times when it was never needed.

Sometimes I wonder how I even came to this state of being. ...Which is what exactly? Me being used and taken for granted? Left in situations where I didn’t know what to reply until hours after the situation actually occurred? Being walked all over? Like, fine, I can blame my own self esteem and how I’ve looked upon myself. But other than that?

Have I been afraid that people would stop liking me, that they'd be mad at me? For what, calling them out for something I didn’t put up with? For standing up for myself? Generally preventing them from walking all over me? +1 for me. I've honestly never done any of those things as often as I actually should have. Also, is it because I've been afraid of them talking behind my back? Then in that case, good. It just shows that they have nothing better to do, that they probably feel bad about themselves and need other peoples' confirmation that they think I've been overreacting or whatever’s fitting here. It shows that I’ve respected myself for once. That I have character and they don't.

I'd lie if I said that I don't care what other people say or think of me, because we all do on different levels. Though nowadays I'm constantly trying to keep those thoughts on a healthy distance from myself. I’m trying to tell myself that people are always going to have an opinion no matter what and there's nothing you can do about that. Most often it probably says more about them than it does of you anyway. And most of your bad thoughts start from within your own head and can damage you severely if you don't ignore them and start believing in yourself for real. Then they can never get to you, neither your negative feelings about things, nor the toxic people crossing your boundaries.

Too many people are bad for you, and you should stay the hell away from those who don’t make you feel like you're an awesome human being. Life's simply too short to waste it on that kind of energy. I’m glad that this inner person is easier to grasp nowadays, that I don’t have to fight as hard anymore to make myself be a natural part of her. I'm still just on the verge of being a grown human (wether I like it or not) and there’s still plenty of work to do. But I’m finally finding myself walking in the right direction.

I’m not afraid of cutting people out of my life anymore. I think it's a necessary thing to do with those who haven't had any real purpose than making me feel like complete shit. At the same time I must say I'm actually happy to have met the difficult people in my life, for they have shown me exactly who I don't want to be. They have taught me more about myself than ever, so for that I don't owe you an apology this time, but a big thank you.


To better days and stronger boundaries,

E

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Igår kväll träffade jag en kompis på middag och lite vin. Hon var här från Amsterdam under ett par dagar, så kul att ses igen! En sann ljusglimt i vardagen att fortfarande ha kontakt med så många sedan den tiden. Annars skiner solen och det mesta känns bra i själen. Bilderna är från Avalons uteservering i går kväll och från promenaden alldeles förut. Känner hur D-vitaminerna trots den lite kyliga luften gör mängder för insidan.

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Image from Tumblr. Click for source.

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Har ägnat min minst produktiva dag på länge åt att titta på filmer under täcket. Aprilsolen har skinit utanför exakt hela dagen men 11 timmars jobb under lördagen med noll sömn natten innan sätter sina spår... Bland annat såg jag Une Femme est une Femme. Fransk, mysig och söt! Anna Karina är så vacker också.
Passar om man spenderar söndagen i sängen och gillar Breakfast at Tiffany's-aktiga filmer.

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