For all my life, I've always felt that I wasn't as good as others. I've always been insecure about myself and my body and I've been comparing myself to others. Everytime someone said something to me regardless of how big that thing was - even if it was something very small and unmeaningful - I took it way too seriously and thought that the person doesn't think I'm good enough.
Even on this very day, I still feel that way sometimes. Eventhough I've got a lot more confident for the past years, I still don't feel as good as I want to.
In Primary School I was so shy that even if some boy said something to me I just stood there and tried to think something to say, but I was too nervous to get anything out of my mouth. The first time I told a boy that I liked him, I ran away immediately without even hearing what he had to say as a response.
I hate how shy I was back then, and the fact that I'm still struggling to not to be shy - takes a lot of energy. I also have a habit of analyzing everything anyone says. I frequently think that, was that person really interested of what I just said or not or why didn't she/he say anything about it.
I haven't ever been that popular in school, and it's okay for me, but I've had a bad habit at envying my friends. Whether someone was prettier or dressed better or something else, I was always so caught up on them that it really made me different. I think me being shy had something to do with envying others. Because I've always been shy and thus felt that I wasn't as good enough as my friends. In secondary school I had a chrush on one of my classmates and told him, but unfortunately he wasn't that into me and later I found out that he liked one of my bestfriends that I was so jealous of. She was always the best at everything. She was the prettiest, had the nicest style and was a great person too. The fact that everyone always seemed to like my friends more than they liked me - made me feel insecure and had a really big impact on me.
Now that I'm on the third year of High School I still feel a bit insecure. I go to an art school and, well, I think I do stand out in there with all my make-up and clothes. And I frequently think what others think about me. Do I seem like I'm bad at school, because I use a lot of make-up and I dress up too much for school? A lot of students in my school are very shy and don't even use any make-up, and the fact that I'm so different compared to them makes me feel that they might judge me of it.
Only thing I've ever wanted from people has been acceptance. That people around me would really truly like me and be interested about me and what is going on in my life. This year I want to try not to envy others, because it doesn't only make you jealous of others, but it makes you feel bad about yourself if you continuously compare yourself to different people. The only person I really want to be is me and I want to make the best version of myself that I can be - just by being myself.
Here is an old picture of me really smiling :)