Today, I don't feel like myself.

I feel like I somehow changed completely over night.


I have been here before and I have felt the same way other days as well, this isn't a first. I just can't really grasp what to do, think or say when I am this way.

It takes away quite a lot of energy, I could spend on something else, when I'm desperately trying to figure out who I am.

It feels unnecessary, because I know I'mm me right? But when I feel like I am on a completely different planet and a completely different person how can I be so sure that I am still the same me I was yesterday?

Thoughts like these are confusing. Luckily I didn't have too much on my plate today, I had some time to just sit down and relax.

I think that these days are some of the hardest for me to survive because I don't really have anyone to share this with. And when you're up in your own world basically feeling like you're on a different planet everyone just sees you as "tired" I guess, and they'd probably see me as crazy if I told them what I was feeling...


But these days are survivable...they're hard, so hard sometimes, but they can be concurred. And so far I've made it through every single one of them, I think I'll make it through this one again.

The best medicine for me at this point is probably just music, tv-shows and trying not to over-think everything.

I have to remind myself that things will be alright and that it's just a bad day, it's just a difficult day, and things will feel better sometime.


Love ♡

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This is a letter to the person whom I broke and who later ended up breaking me.


Dear you,

I think I should start off by saying that I am sorry.

I am sorry for everything that happened between us, sorry for the way I acted and sorry for where we are now.


The things that happened between us will forever be etched in my brain as unfair. I think it is sad and unfair that we had to leave our friendship there and never got to see where it could go.

I could write miles of things I am sorry for, regarding this situation, but I don't think that would mean as much as me trying to explain it and talk about it. (However, I could be wrong)

I want to thank you for being my best friend for the time you were, I really do. For a long time, you were my light, you were my hope. You were actually the reason I was alive and you were the reason I was looking forward to the next day. You taught me how to laugh after I'd forgotten, you taught me how to smile when all I wanted to do was cry and you taught me to love, not only others but also myself, which is something I'd deemed impossible.

I now regret, more than ever before, that I never told you this when I had the chance to. I really do regret not letting you know how much your love and caring meant to me. Even if I tried to, I don't know if I would be able to. All I could say to describe to you how much you meant to me is that you made me want to live when all I wanted to do was die.

I want to tell you how wrong I was for doing what I did to you. I realize now that I must have broken you every single day for at least a year and I never knew what I was doing. I realize now that you must have been in just as much pain as I was, but I was too blind to see it.

This is one thing I truly regret in my life. I truly regret being such a bad friend to you. I regret that I caused you so much pain, but yet needed you to fix mine. I regret that I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I regret being so self-centred that I couldn't see outside of my bubble, I couldn't see you and all you did for me. I regret being who I was back then, because that led to losing you.

I don't blame you for breaking me the way you did, I really don't. I'm just mostly sad it happened. I think you are too. I don't wish that things would go back to the way they were, because then we might end up here again; both having heavy hearts and regrets over a friendship that meant the world to us.

I wish we could turn a blank page and move forward. I wish we could forget the pain we caused each other and try to remember all the joy instead. I wish we could push this joy over to our blank page and start from there. I wish we could start loving each other again without all the grudges and without all the pain. I realize it may not be that simple, but how I wish it was.

I want to end my letter by telling you that I still appreciate you. I still see you as a good person, no matter your actions towards me. I hope you still see me as a good person as well, even though I hurt you just as much as you did me. You will always be my best friend and you will always carry a piece of me with you.

I will always truly love you from the very bottom of my heart, even if you don't love me.


Love ♡

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He is a wonderful person. To me, he is someone who listens, has a lot of compassion and someone who has a heart of gold. He means more to me than I sometimes wish he did, but I wouldn’t trade him or this feeling for anything in the world.


He feels like the kind of person you could share an entire universe with. It feels like you could own the world, just you two together, even if it is just your own little made up one.


Every single one of his features makes him who he is, and I adore who he is.

Everything from his looks to his personality makes him unique in a way I’ve never seen in anyone else before. Maybe I’ve never looked hard enough in anyone to see their uniqueness and maybe I don’t want to. Getting to know every part of him seems like enough, it feels like I don’t really need anyone else.

The safety of his voice makes mine tremble. I’ve never heard someone speak like he does, not to me anyway. Maybe it is all in my head, maybe he talks like that to everyone, but I feel like I hear him differently than everyone else does. I wonder if he feels the same way when he hears my voice; the safety, the beauty, the pain and the joy. I wonder if he hears me the same way everyone else does or if he hears me in the way I hear him.

All of his features are so beautiful to me. I could stare into his eyes for a million years and never get bored. They say that a person’s eyes are the gateway to their soul and in his case I definitely believe it. His eyes tell these stories, stories I can never get bored of and stories that I think his lips are too afraid to speak of. His ocean-blue eyes captivate me each time I catch their gaze and they seem almost too pure for my tainted hazel eyes. His eyes seem different from mine. Yes, he’s seen pain and he’s seen darkness but his eyes are still the brightest thing I’ve ever seen. His eyes are filled with hope and dreams and joy, it is as if he sees the world in full colour all the time. His eyes are the loveliest things I have ever seen.


Whenever I am with him it feels big. The state of being near him feels like something life-changing, even if it isn’t. His presence leaves a mark on me, something that seems almost unforgettable. His words stay in my head for days, maybe even weeks, because they mean so much. I can even replay the tone of his voice in some situations. It feels like these things are forever etched in my brain and if he were to ever leave these things would be the only memory left of him.

I have never felt anything like this before and it is terrifying. I am giving someone the complete power over me; the power to bring happiness and the power to bring sadness. I am giving someone control over my emotions, without them even knowing it. I hope he uses this wisely and doesn’t take it for granted. However, if he does, I wouldn’t blame him. I would still see his eyes just as lovely and his heart just as gold. I am giving him the power to hurt me but I am trusting him not to. I am scared of being hurt, but I am even more scared of never knowing love.




Love ♡



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I love Christmas. I have always loved Christmas. Everything from the decorations, to the people, to the food and so on. Christmas time is my favourite time of the year. Giving gifts, shopping and decorating always make me feel the happiest. Seeing everyone rush through the city trying to find gifts for everybody they know and seeing all the store windows decorated with tinsel and trees makes me smile every time. During Christmas you get to show everyone you love how much you really appreciate them, whether this is through gifts, spending time with them or just giving them a special Christmas hug. Christmas is the time of giving and showing how much you care. And I love doing that for others.

But...

Every Christmas I break. Everything crashes down. I don't know what exactly makes this happen, but it does. Every year. It didn't happen when I was little, but for the last four years it's been a reoccurring event. It makes me really sad that the only time a year when I feel truly joy is about to be ruined for me as well. Because each year I feel the Christmas spirit a little less and then I break down a little more. At this rate Christmas won't be enjoyable anymore in one or two years, and that frightens me. I don't want to lose the one day I have that actually makes me feel something, actually makes me feel kind of okay.

Every year the days leading up to Christmas feel like the most peaceful ones. There are plenty of people who see those days as stressful because you have to get all the food, gifts and decorations ready but I see that as joyful and fun. Everyone feels that all the stress will go away once Christmas actually arrives; the whole family will be together, the food will be done, gifts will be purchased and all the stress is just gone and all you feel is peace. For me, however, the days leading up to Christmas are the most peaceful and the actual Christmas makes me stressed and anxious. I don't know what has made it has come to this. Maybe I have grown so much out of my family that it doesn't feel fun to celebrate the holidays with them anymore. Maybe I build up too many expectations for what will happen during Christmas and then I just become disappointed. Maybe there isn't one answer, maybe there are many reasons.

But Christmas isn't as bad as I make it seem. I have only been talking about a small part of my Christmas and that part usually happens in the evening. Everything leading up to that is just purely wonderful. Usually the morning, day and afternoon of Christmas feels lovely. It feels peaceful and filled with excitement for the presents and food. The day is spent anticipating "what will I get?" and "wonder if they'll like my gifts". To be quite honest, when our family sits down to open each others gifts is the time of Christmas that feels the most together and the most peaceful. I don't know what it is about it, I guess it can be associated with the psychology of materialistic happiness. But either way, it feels like we're the closest when sitting near the tree and opening gifts from each other.

Our family usually doesn't have that many gifts for each other. And usually the gifts aren't the best (except for the one's I give because I'm kind of a gift master). So, I usually get kind of disappointed in my gifts, but the actual act of opening the gifts together still feels alright. Luckily, I'm quite a good actor and I can hide disappointment very well. When my parents get me something I hate I don't want to ruin the holiday spirit by bringing it up, I usually bring it up one or two months later and tell them something along the lines of "maybe next year just get me money?". Usually this pisses them off, and I can understand a bit why. I mean, if you spend a lot of time trying to find someone a nice gift and then they complain about it it's understandable if you get mad. But I try to be as kind as i can, sometimes it just doesn't work when they clearly don't know what I need nor want. However, maybe I need to start accepting that not every gift is going to be a good one and the important thing is really the thought behind it and not the actual present itself.

If you feel that Christmas might not be your thing, that's alright. Christmas is nothing that you have to celebrate, but I think everyone should give it a chance and I hope everyone does, at least once in their life. If you have no one to spend it with or you feel alone on Christmas that's okay as well. Alone or not, you can still celebrate. If you feel sad during Christmas that's okay, you are not obligated to feel happy simply because it is a holiday. If a mental illness, physical illness or any other thing in your life is messing with you and your Christmas spirit, that's okay. How you spend your Christmas is up to you, you don't have to do anything and you should not be forced to feel any special way. How ever you decide to spend your Christmas I support you, no one should force you to spend a lovely holiday like this in any way you don't want to.

I would say that I have a pretty good idea of what it's like to struggle with the pressure of having to be happy during holidays and other special days, but I know that sometimes you just can't. And I want you to know that if you can't, that's okay. I'm still here for you and I still love you, even if you can't smile on Christmas.

I could write long essays about Christmas and the both good and bad about it, but that would take all too long. All and all Christmas, in my opinion, is a wonderful holiday filled with peace and togetherness. It is beautiful both visually and emotionally. I can feel joy (and stress) all around me during the whole month of December and that is a wonderful feeling. Some Christmases are better than others and some lonelier than others. But each year it is still a wonderful day of celebration and I appreciate it every year and I hope keeping doing that my entire life. I hope I never lose the Christmas spirit and joy and I hope that no one else has to either.

I hope all of you, how ever you may celebrate Christmas, have the most peaceful and joyful time.


Merry Christmas and love ♡

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I am not really that spontaneous of a person. I like to have things planned out. I like to know the time, place and what we're going to do so that I can think through it. I don't usually do unplanned things, I usually stay within my own comfort zone. But I have recently learned that you can't plan out your entire life. I think that this is what I've been doing for most of my life, planning, trying not to make any mistakes, planning so that I wouldn't make any mistakes and planning so that I wouldn't seem stupid, ignorant or appear like a fool. But you can't plan out life. If you do, it completely takes the joy and excitement out of life.

Yesterday I learned, more than I ever have before about the fact that you can't plan out your life. I realised that if I kept planning out everything in my head and always creating scenarios and how I would react in different situations, that life would stop being exciting. Such things as surprises and new and different joy and sadness would just cease to exist for me.


What made me realise this?

Well, since i never know what to say when in an awkward situation or when talking to someone who is really special to me I, of course, always practice these things beforehand in my head.

Yesterday I was supposed to meet him just to hang out and we had no idea what we were going to do because everything was closed by the time we got to the city. He had suggested the night before that we would just walk around in the parks that surrounded the city and talk. I was totally on board with that and this meant that before falling asleep that night and all day before meeting him I had been planning out in my head were we would walk, what we could talk about, at what point I could have hugged him and at what point maybe even kiss him.

You see, I planned out everything. However, when we met in the city he suggested we'd go some place that was open, so we wouldn't have to be out in the cold. I could think of this as something considerate, like he didn't want me to freeze, but I think he mostly suggested this for his own sake. We found a Subway that was open, where we could sit and maybe eat a cookie or something and just talk, which seemed very cozy but it wasn't at all what I had planned. When something doesn't go according to my plans I can very easily adapt to a situation. this was a bit different thought, because when it comes to something like this, something that I had basically planned out moment for moment it was a lot harder to adapt to. We went in to the Subway and sat down. For some reason this time we were together was more awkward than any time before. I don't really think it was because we didn't feel comfortable and I don't think it was because we had nothing to talk about. I almost got this feeling that we could both sense that it had been a tough wee for the both of us and even just talking was too much in that moment. It felt kind of right just to keep each other company. Maybe that was all we needed. Both of us to just feel the other persons presence. Maybe the other persons presence was all that could really help.


The point of this story?

All my planning and stressing about how I wanted each and every moment to go according to me, was literally for nothing. In that moment when he suggested we'd go somewhere else I had to learn to be spontaneous. I had no other choice but to go outside of the planning and take a step outside of my comfort zone. I followed my own protocol as well as I could, but to be honest, in that situation there was no need. I didn't need to have anything planned out. Because as I said, just keeping each other company and being there together felt like it was all both of us needed.

I have noticed more and more how many things I try to plan ahed. Often these things I try to plan make me nervous, anxious or they are just in general things that are out of my comfort zone. So, I try to plan them out. I try to plan out how my out-of-comfort-zone moments are going to look and feel, even thought I have no idea. Because even though they are out of my comfort zone, planning them out makes it feel like they are a bit more doable.


I am supposed to meet him to exchange Christmas presents tomorrow and we're supposed to meet at about 4 pm. We decided this about two days ago and right then I started planning what I am going to say, which gift to give first, am I going to hug him, how long the interaction between us will be, where it will take place and so on. Another thought that has occurred when thinking about exchanging gifts with him is if I am going to actually kiss him or not. I want to, but am I brave enough?

This is largely out of my comfort zone and that os why ever since we planned this I have tried to figure out a scenario in which I get to kiss him. I have had different ideas and different scenarios. One being just going in for it, another one being that I get really close to him while giving him his present and then lock eyes and go in for the kiss, I could also hug him and when I start to pull away I just direct my lips to his or something along those lines.

See how I have planned out every single way I could do this? Of course I could think of this as a good thing, you know, this means so much to me that I want it to go well and that's why I try to plan it out so I don't make a fool of myself. But in this situation I shouldn't be planning, I should be going based on feeling and based on moment. I am scared to make a fool of myself, but life is about making a fool of yourself. And not only life but also love. Love is only about making a fool of yourself. A fool of yourself by showing how much you care or a fool of yourself in the ways you show love.

Making a fool of yourself doesn't have to mean anything bad. And that's something I'm going to have to realise. Because getting out of your comfort zone probably means making a fool of yourself, but making a fool of yourself can also lead to something incredible. Because if you really want something you've never had, you gotta do something you've never done. You've got to dare to go outside your comfort zone.

This blog post was completely spontaneous. I had been sitting on ideas to write about for many days, weeks even, but I couldn't think of a way to properly formulate them so that they would appear "perfect" in my eyes. I had been planning them and trying to get them out just right, but none really worked for me. After long nights of thinking through everything and coming up with the idea of writing about comfort zones, I started thinking about where my comfort zone really is. I then realised that my comfort zone is quite small and just tiny things like getting a blog post wrong or not "perfect" is also out of my comfort zone.

This blog is supposed to be my thoughts and I can already tell you that they are no where near perfect, not even close. So, the things I have to write here don't have to perfect either. As long as what I am writing is readable and makes sense it should be good enough.

I know that I need to take a few risks and step outside of my comfort zone and try to be more spontaneous and not plan as much as I do. But already realising that I need to work on this, is a step in the right direction. And hopefully, with time, I'll step more and more out of my comfort zone and get to experience great things that I have never experienced before.

Love ♡

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Hello!

This is my first proper blog post, I guess. I was thinking I'd start it off with a bit of an introduction, you know, so you'd get to know the anonymous person writing this.

Thinking about what to write as an introduction for yourself but not giving away too much is quite so difficult. I can tell you that I won't reveal my gender, nor where I live and definitely not my name. But I do think that I can tell you who I am without that type of information.

I think every person acts a certain way when they are with company or their friends and then acts completely different when they are alone. Everyone has basically two personalities. I would like to start by telling you about mine.

When it comes to me being around company or friends I would think that I come off as quite a happy person. Even if I don't speak, I can still smile and that's what I do most of the time. I would also say, that I can come across as a pretty kind person, someone who tries to not be angry or violent and just tries to treat everybody with respect. I most certainly also come off as shy and awkward, maybe a little too much. I probably also say the wrong thing at the wrong time and I try to be funny but most of the time I do not succeed. Around friends, family and other company I am just a smiling, happy, shy person. And I like being that person, for the most part.

However, when I am alone I am quite different. I think everybody is quite different when they are alone. With me, it is almost like a switch has turned and my personality with it. When I am alone I start thinking, more than I usually do. I feel a type of loneliness and sadness within me. Millions of thoughts just go through my mind and I can't pin point any of them to try to clear them up. It's almost like I am inside a foggy cloud and can't seem to find my way out. I fall into a type of darkness when I am alone, the kind of darkness you don't know how to escape from on your own. So, I avoid being alone for the most part. Or if I ever find myself being completely alone I try to do something to not think about it. For the most part, when I am alone I feel sadness and I feel scared. But I am not scared by darkness or murderers or anything like that, I am scared of myself.

Trying to figure out a way that will portray me in the most authentic way possible is a struggle. The things I mentioned about myself and my two personalities are only the tip of the iceberg. To know who I am and to be able to put that down in words is certainly no piece of cake. To really know me you'd also have to know my thoughts and my stories, and maybe that is exactly what this blog is here for; a place for me to write and find myself and a place for you to find interesting stories and thoughts to read.


Love ♡

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