Two weeks. I really didn't think two weeks had gone by since I last wrote, but a lot has been going on. Yesterday we had our final gigs for Lucia-celebration, and I suppose that has been taking up the clear majority of my time and energy lately. At least it feels good that it's over, and we have Christmas break to look forward to.
Ah, who am I kidding. I would be extremely surprised if I didn't recieve any types of questions regarding my future, or what I'm doing after this year is over.
Actually, that's not what I intended to ventilate on right now. There was a derailing outside my school today, so I couldn't get to my next station like I usually do, so I started walking. Last summer, we walked from my school to a friends apartment, and she lived right by the next subwaystop, and it wasn't even that far. So I started walking, and thought, it might get cold, walking over the bridge, but I'll get some exercise. Only, when I got there, I didn't go down to the subway, I still kept walking. I thought hey, the NEXT subwaystop is basically visible from here, I could just keep walking. And by the time I'd reached that station, I thought that it would be so unneccesary to take the subway from there, since I then would have had to change lines at the next one. I'll keep this short, I passed a total of five subwaystations until I finally went down to go home, and by that point, I couldn't have kept going. Because I didn't know which way to go, to get to the next stop. Otherwise, I think I might have just kept walking and walking.
As I was passing the highest bridge on my little walk, I took a second to stop and look down. I don't know why, I didn't have any intention to jump or anything of the sort, but the thought definitely crossed my mind. Same thing when I was standing at a crossing, waiting for the light to turn green for me. In that one moment, I really thought I was about to step out into the road. I saw buses pass me on their way to the hospital, and I kept thinking to myself that I should go in and admit myself, just so I don't do anything incredibly stupid.
I just hope that if I tell any of my friends about this, that they'll ask me why I was walking, because I really don't know. Anxiety kept coming at me in waves throughout my walk, but I don't know if walking was causing my feelings, or keeping them at bay. I also don't know why I didn't just get on the subway at the first stop, or the first with my red line, or any of the ones in between. I just know I kept on coming up with new reasons for myself not to. Eventually my OCPD started kicking in, saying that I couldn't get on it there, because that's not how I normally would do it. I had to get on where I would normally get on, or change cars or something.
But I really don't know what I'm doing, and that seems like the theme for my life nowadays, just don't ask me and I'll be fine.