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I feel a bit bipolar at the moment. I know that's not what it is, but I constantly feel like I'm walking on a thin, thin line. On either side, crying desperately, on the other, screaming in anger. On either side, wanting to die, on the other, wanting to make something of my life.

Actually, scratch that. I constantly feel like I want to die, not in a suicidal way, just casually wanting my life to just stop. For everything to just pause for a second, so I can think. And sleep. God, I just want to sleep for three weeks. Is there an application somewhere to get 30 hours per day instead of 24?

I am just frustrated with everything and everyone right now, this is simply not working. I wish my classes were just a regular program, and I could quit right now. Stop all of this and work for six months so I can afford to live when I start studying again. Because I really, really don't want to do this anymore, keep up the charade.

Everything seems to give me anxiety these days. Going to school gives me anxiety, so does staying at home. Eating, not eating. Working, not working. Or well, I've actually started to look forward to work each week, more than I do for school. Isn't that a sign something is wrong? When you like your weekend job better than what you study?

Either way, I should stop rambling now...

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The radio silent here is aparent. As is my current anxiety. It's right now close to two am, on a night where I have to get up at seven the next morning, but my head is dead set on continuing to turn.

In these past few days, I've been incredibly angry, I've cried so hard my stomach hurt afterwards, and maybe been more confused than ever.

For the first time, I've told someone else than my boyfriend or roommate that I won't be continuing with musical theater. I don't know how that felt quite yet, but I feel like it probably was a good thing. I've also been told that some people think I'm one of the top two dancers in my class, just two days after being severely put down by my teacher. I don't know, really. I've talked about becoming a psycologist in a way that definitely indicates that my mind is made up, but it still doesn't feel like I'm ready to give all of this up just yet.

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It's becoming more and more aparent to me, each day, that I have given up on musical theater. I just don't care anymore, I don't care about becoming better. At this point I really only care about our final musical, because I know how hard we've all been working already, and how amazing we all want it to be. Because I still love performing on stage, I'm just tired of having to become better and better, in order to stay in it. I'm tired of it, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life constantly trying to beat myself and everyone around me, just to get or keep a job. I've peaked. This is as good as I have motivation to become.

My real problem now, is as I wrote in my last post, what the hell to do next. I've looked into studying to become an english teacher for high school students, I've looked into studying to be a psychologist. Recently I've had thoughts about becoming a speech therapist, but I don't think I can do it. I don't care enough about kids to be a teacher, do I want the responsibility of diagnosing someone as a psychologist, what if I'm wrong? I don't care enought about taking care of my own voice to be a speech therapist.

All my life, I've always had concerns about not being good enough, and that's really something that's coming through right now. Am I good enough to become anything? Do I CARE enough about anything to want to become really good at it? I'm a good waiter, but do I care enough to not stay working at a shitty diner for the rest of my life? I don't want to work in a supermarket for the rest of my life, but what else is there to do if I don't care about anything? Of course, a lot of people have jobs they hate by now, that they don't really care about, and only do for the paycheck at the end of the month. But I REALLY, REALLY don't want to be that person. I want to work with something I'm passionate about, something that actually makes me a little excited to go to work on monday morning. Not a lot, just a little. I just want to wake up for work in ten years, and feel good about going to work.

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So, this is probably blog number sixhundred and something, but for the first time I feel like I have a need to write.

Never in my life have I felt so lost as I do right now.


Ever since I was little, I've loved singing. My parents could never shut me up, and I was in choir after school between the ages of six and fifteen. Then I started high school, and studied music about half-time. Choir, singing lessons, the whole shebang. In my singing teachers' room, I found my way to musicals. Right then and right there, that was what I was going to do. I took up dance classes after school, and after leaving high school, I spent a year trying to get my dancing and acting up to par with what I'd need to continue. I auditioned for another school, more advanced, and have now spent a year and a half there. The teachers are absolutely wonderful, as are my classmates, but I don't know if I want it any more. If becoming a musical actress is really what I want to do with my life.

I see people around me who have such love for what they do, such determination to get where they want to be, and I wonder where my spirit have gone. I've always had to fight my family to do this, my brothers wanted me to study maths and science at high school, as I'm sure my parents too would have preferred. So now, here I am, stranded on what feels like a deserted island, and I don't know which way to swim. Do I continue down this path, when I don't feel any motivation for anything besides our project anymore? Or do I follow through until this year is over and then leave it behind me, do something else? What would I do then? I don't want to work in a supermarket for the rest of my life, but singing, dancing and acting is all I've ever set my mind on doing. What am I even good at?

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