Tired, my mother uses the word tired, a lot actually. I try to see if she's meaning physically, emotionally, or mentally tired. There is a difference ya know. I used to be tired, very tired honestly. I was all of the types of tired, I was tired of crying, I was tired of not sleeping, I was tired of breathing honestly. My mind really wasn't good, sometimes it still isn't. I believe we're all tired. Tired of it all. The hate, not from others but mostly from ourselves. The hurt, that both you yourself and others bring. The fake happiness that we all long for but probably never really felt since we were five and life was easier. The love that may or may not exist. Just all of it.

I sometimes wonder what would have life turned out if I chose to stay in the mind set I was. The tiredness was getting worse by the years. Life wasn't hard, well, it was as hard as it would get to a fifteen year old. A lot of self hate because of words people would throw at me, still dealing with that. A lot of bad vibes at home that aren't all gone. A lot of more self hate because things were always my fault. Just a lot of emotions that weren't good at that age. I was just tired, and I was looking for a solution to it at the end of a sharp broken glass, yes glass. Surprising enough, that didn't work much, it honestly made everything worse. The cry for help that I was giving off like a batman symbol in the sky was being ignored just made it worse. They had to had seen them, I mean I was just calling out for help.

Again, the word tired. A feeling I am too used to now, I'm tired. It's a word my mother uses very often and I still try to understand what she means by it. Tired, a word that I have been best friends with for a very long time because I get tired of it all. The whole living process is very tiring. I'm tired. Simple word but so many meanings behind it that sometimes you have to ask why a person is so tired to find out what they truly mean by it.

Exhausted, now, that's a word my mother doesn't use so often but I do. I use it because I truly get exhausted, emotionally and physically exhausted. To the point where I don't believe I can get up in the morning. To the point where sometimes I find out that this girl, me, has way too many tears to shed and should maybe get some water. Just exhausted and having the need to stay in bed all day not for the sake of being lazy but because I can't get up with out crying more. Exhausted, simple.

Too many feelings, too many ways to use simple words. But it's okay, it has to get better right? 

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I didn't think I would be able to sit down and type something real again. I think I have a problem with wanting to do things for others and not do things for me. Like if I take a picture, write something out that means something to me, or just do something, I have to make sure that it's good enough for everyone instead of making it all mine the way it should be. Maybe that's why I'm never happy. I stay in the pattern of making others happy that I forget what it means to make me happy.

Yesterday, I was spread out on the floor of my room, listening to whatever song Pandora wanted to play and for once in so long I opened a book, and ignored my phone, and my heart filled with this feeling I hadn't felt in so long. It most likely wasn't happiness, but it was a feeling of contentment. I haven’t been able to do that, to listen and read a book, to feel like I did once. I miss that feeling, and I’ve been looking for it, shockingly it has been right where I left it. To continue to feel that feeling I have to continue to work towards myself for than working to make sure that everyone around me is okay with what I’m doing.

Aside from the fact that I live for people's approve, all that gave me was a sense of fear to do what I want. I wanted to get close to God but not be judged or called a hypocrite for doing just that, and I did it, and I keep doing it and it’s made me feel lighter. There’s so much people now think I can’t do because of the fact that I am a Christian girl, but I found a sort of strength from just being closer to God. I know I can be who I truly want to be, and do what I truly want to do because if he can stand by me then that’s all I need. I don’t want to be on here and sound like some kind of preacher, but in a way, I found a part of me by getting closer to God. Along with that, I realized that even with me being and working on growing in His presence, I don’t have to give up who I am. I have to find a way to understand that I have to build who I am because I still don’t know who that is yet and I shouldn’t have to define myself just yet. I should be discovering new thing about myself and finding a better understanding of who I am and who I’m becoming. So new goals are setting themselves up for me, by me, and I hope that I can keep it going and keep going because to contentment I want to hold in my heart has been gone for too long. Maybe this way I can find a bit of happiness along the road that last longer than a couple seconds. The type of happiness that a person remembers. The kind of happiness that’s longer than a three minute song. Longer than any novel I’ve read.

So I’ll start with the want of doing different things, starting with this, writing a whole, longer, blog without having to think of a title til the end, tell it’s all finish, til i get an understanding of what it is I’m trying to say. Today, I stay needing to work on finding a focal point and staying on it, but I guess I’ll say that this blog can possible have a point. I’m thinking that the point is we’re all works in progress, and everything we’re where we need to and where we’re supposed to be. No matter how things are, or how you may feel it’ll all fall into place and you’ll look back and everything will seem lighter.

Maybe I’m just an optimist, and I’m most likely ranting by now but hey, hopefully someone gets something out of this even if only one person reads it. I’m hoping by doing this maybe, just maybe, I can stay away from things I should, and I won’t fall into the sadness and darkness that I felt before. I’m hoping that doing this, maybe can help someone one day if they just stumble upon this one day.

We're just all works in progress.

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20:01:16

I honestly don't think I've ever love someone. I'm probably completely clueless to what love really is, but in my heart, and the way my heart sees you. I truly believe that I love you. These three words aren't words that I like to throw around. You give me these fucking feelings in my stomach that make me giddy and you put this smile on my face that I can't explain. I don't know what love is, but the feeling that I get from just hearing your voice, just the feelings i feel for you are too strong to call anything else but love. I would say all of these words to you but words don't come out with my voice as they do when I write them out for you. I'm truly falling for you, and it's so scary. I've always been scared to love someone, to fall for someone because of the fear of that person not being there to catch me, but you. I don't really know honestly. You have told me that I have changed you've changed to me too. You hold my heart in your hands, you hold my happiness, and you always will. I believe in us, and I believe in our love.

21:02:16

Okay, so this feels familiar only last time I was doing this I was figuring out the words to tell you I love you. Fucking crazy how everything is different now. It kinda really sucks, but shit happens. Honestly I don't know how to go about this. I don't know how you're doing this so easily. You always told me it was different with me, but now you're just treating me like you would any other girl from your past, but it's okay. I don't honestly know why I'm taking this so hard. I can usually be like, "it's okay, I'm okay, God know's what he's doing, it's in his hands". I've never felt so hurt, nothing has felt this way. I hate that I'm still fucking crying over this. We weren't even completely together when you ended everything, and it also sucks that I gave you a second chance, but you couldn't give me one. I'm not doing this to make you feel guilty or to make you take me back. I'm doing this for me, because all this is eating me alive. I keep having to catch myself before I start crying, and I don't like being weak. This is the worst feeling. It just gets worse because it seems like it's just me hurting. You're perfectly fine and it's good if you are perfectly fine, but as horrible as this might sound, I hope you're in as much misery as I am. It fucking amazes me how many emotions you have made me feel. It's scary how much control you have over me without even knowing it. I guess that's why I was always so scared. I'm pretty much fucked right now. That's probably why I'm acting completely different with you. I can't be me, because I don't know who me is. I'm really screwed up about this. I get so pissed, then it transforms into sadness, then suddenly I don't feel anything, just numb. But it only last for a little bit and then suddenly I'm back to the beginning because something reminds me of you. Despise all this I would still give you another chance even when I don't believe in more than one chance. Against what everyone else tells me because that's how much I love you.

19:03:16

Gosh I fucking hate you, honestly I should. I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm annoying I know, and it's clear that you want nothing to do with me. It's cool (not really) but I'm sending this so that i can feel better because damn it, I'm here, again crying over someone who's not mine anymore. It makes me feel like a complete idiot because you honestly do not deserve my tears. I don't know what I did but I feel like I have an idea. Just to let you have a clue, you're still the one guy on my mind, you're still the only guy i want to talk to 24/7 not, Jay, just you. Because you're the guy I love, you're the guy I fell for. It completely fucking sucks that you don't want me anymore and I'm dealing with that. I'm trying to get you off my mind, and that's not really working out because you are all my mind stays stuck on. And I'm not going to be like you other past girls, so if you never want to hear from me again, tell me. Tell me what you want, finally just be honest with me. That way, if it's what you want, I can be completely done with you. Unfortunately for my broken heart it's still completely yours, every broken piece is yours.

06:04:16

I'm just going to stop pretending, we're not good for each other. You were right.We only fight and it sometimes over the same shit and it's tiring. I'm tired of fighting and I'm just kinda done. I give up, and i hope you get everything you've been working hard for and i hope you find the right girl one day that makes you feel like no other girl has made you feel. I wish you the best in everything, even if you don't believe it, you deserve it. I just won't be there for it. I also hope that God blesses your family and you. I love you, but it's not enough anymore for me to stay even as just a friend. I'm not going to apologize, because there no reason to, you'll be find and so will I. God bless you, goodbye. x

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