I didn't think I would be able to sit down and type something real again. I think I have a problem with wanting to do things for others and not do things for me. Like if I take a picture, write something out that means something to me, or just do something, I have to make sure that it's good enough for everyone instead of making it all mine the way it should be. Maybe that's why I'm never happy. I stay in the pattern of making others happy that I forget what it means to make me happy.
Yesterday, I was spread out on the floor of my room, listening to whatever song Pandora wanted to play and for once in so long I opened a book, and ignored my phone, and my heart filled with this feeling I hadn't felt in so long. It most likely wasn't happiness, but it was a feeling of contentment. I haven’t been able to do that, to listen and read a book, to feel like I did once. I miss that feeling, and I’ve been looking for it, shockingly it has been right where I left it. To continue to feel that feeling I have to continue to work towards myself for than working to make sure that everyone around me is okay with what I’m doing.
Aside from the fact that I live for people's approve, all that gave me was a sense of fear to do what I want. I wanted to get close to God but not be judged or called a hypocrite for doing just that, and I did it, and I keep doing it and it’s made me feel lighter. There’s so much people now think I can’t do because of the fact that I am a Christian girl, but I found a sort of strength from just being closer to God. I know I can be who I truly want to be, and do what I truly want to do because if he can stand by me then that’s all I need. I don’t want to be on here and sound like some kind of preacher, but in a way, I found a part of me by getting closer to God. Along with that, I realized that even with me being and working on growing in His presence, I don’t have to give up who I am. I have to find a way to understand that I have to build who I am because I still don’t know who that is yet and I shouldn’t have to define myself just yet. I should be discovering new thing about myself and finding a better understanding of who I am and who I’m becoming. So new goals are setting themselves up for me, by me, and I hope that I can keep it going and keep going because to contentment I want to hold in my heart has been gone for too long. Maybe this way I can find a bit of happiness along the road that last longer than a couple seconds. The type of happiness that a person remembers. The kind of happiness that’s longer than a three minute song. Longer than any novel I’ve read.
So I’ll start with the want of doing different things, starting with this, writing a whole, longer, blog without having to think of a title til the end, tell it’s all finish, til i get an understanding of what it is I’m trying to say. Today, I stay needing to work on finding a focal point and staying on it, but I guess I’ll say that this blog can possible have a point. I’m thinking that the point is we’re all works in progress, and everything we’re where we need to and where we’re supposed to be. No matter how things are, or how you may feel it’ll all fall into place and you’ll look back and everything will seem lighter.
Maybe I’m just an optimist, and I’m most likely ranting by now but hey, hopefully someone gets something out of this even if only one person reads it. I’m hoping by doing this maybe, just maybe, I can stay away from things I should, and I won’t fall into the sadness and darkness that I felt before. I’m hoping that doing this, maybe can help someone one day if they just stumble upon this one day.
We're just all works in progress.