I honestly don't think I've ever love someone. I'm probably completely clueless to what love really is, but in my heart, and the way my heart sees you. I truly believe that I love you. These three words aren't words that I like to throw around. You give me these fucking feelings in my stomach that make me giddy and you put this smile on my face that I can't explain. I don't know what love is, but the feeling that I get from just hearing your voice, just the feelings i feel for you are too strong to call anything else but love. I would say all of these words to you but words don't come out with my voice as they do when I write them out for you. I'm truly falling for you, and it's so scary. I've always been scared to love someone, to fall for someone because of the fear of that person not being there to catch me, but you. I don't really know honestly. You have told me that I have changed you've changed to me too. You hold my heart in your hands, you hold my happiness, and you always will. I believe in us, and I believe in our love.
Okay, so this feels familiar only last time I was doing this I was figuring out the words to tell you I love you. Fucking crazy how everything is different now. It kinda really sucks, but shit happens. Honestly I don't know how to go about this. I don't know how you're doing this so easily. You always told me it was different with me, but now you're just treating me like you would any other girl from your past, but it's okay. I don't honestly know why I'm taking this so hard. I can usually be like, "it's okay, I'm okay, God know's what he's doing, it's in his hands". I've never felt so hurt, nothing has felt this way. I hate that I'm still fucking crying over this. We weren't even completely together when you ended everything, and it also sucks that I gave you a second chance, but you couldn't give me one. I'm not doing this to make you feel guilty or to make you take me back. I'm doing this for me, because all this is eating me alive. I keep having to catch myself before I start crying, and I don't like being weak. This is the worst feeling. It just gets worse because it seems like it's just me hurting. You're perfectly fine and it's good if you are perfectly fine, but as horrible as this might sound, I hope you're in as much misery as I am. It fucking amazes me how many emotions you have made me feel. It's scary how much control you have over me without even knowing it. I guess that's why I was always so scared. I'm pretty much fucked right now. That's probably why I'm acting completely different with you. I can't be me, because I don't know who me is. I'm really screwed up about this. I get so pissed, then it transforms into sadness, then suddenly I don't feel anything, just numb. But it only last for a little bit and then suddenly I'm back to the beginning because something reminds me of you. Despise all this I would still give you another chance even when I don't believe in more than one chance. Against what everyone else tells me because that's how much I love you.
Gosh I fucking hate you, honestly I should. I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm annoying I know, and it's clear that you want nothing to do with me. It's cool (not really) but I'm sending this so that i can feel better because damn it, I'm here, again crying over someone who's not mine anymore. It makes me feel like a complete idiot because you honestly do not deserve my tears. I don't know what I did but I feel like I have an idea. Just to let you have a clue, you're still the one guy on my mind, you're still the only guy i want to talk to 24/7 not, Jay, just you. Because you're the guy I love, you're the guy I fell for. It completely fucking sucks that you don't want me anymore and I'm dealing with that. I'm trying to get you off my mind, and that's not really working out because you are all my mind stays stuck on. And I'm not going to be like you other past girls, so if you never want to hear from me again, tell me. Tell me what you want, finally just be honest with me. That way, if it's what you want, I can be completely done with you. Unfortunately for my broken heart it's still completely yours, every broken piece is yours.
I'm just going to stop pretending, we're not good for each other. You were right.We only fight and it sometimes over the same shit and it's tiring. I'm tired of fighting and I'm just kinda done. I give up, and i hope you get everything you've been working hard for and i hope you find the right girl one day that makes you feel like no other girl has made you feel. I wish you the best in everything, even if you don't believe it, you deserve it. I just won't be there for it. I also hope that God blesses your family and you. I love you, but it's not enough anymore for me to stay eve as just a friend. I'm not going to apologize, because there no reason to, you'll be find and so will I. God bless you, goodbye. x