You always said loving you is easy. Letting go is hard. I know know how you feel. Even if our lifes are filled with things to do, the mind wanders to the other in every situation. The only thing we have, our game, gives the feeling we arent completly cut off from eachother.
Today i was driving a lot, thought about our conversations we had. Remeberd the places i used to park just to talk a little longer. I miss you alot and it made me sad, not knowing anymore what you are doing. If your mom is okay agian. How it goes with L in the morning, if he is healthy again. The things we would talk about. All the things that i havent told you. All the things that i dont know about you. I read back true our old conversations and try to find things i dont remeber anymore. But it is all stored in my mind like it was yesterday. I dont need to look at your pictures cause they apear in front of me when i close my eyes but i do look at them every chance i get.

My heart wants to burn a hole in my chest run away from my body and swim across the ocean. If it comes knocking at your door then you can keep him. It would be hapier with you, then in my chest without you.

I love you.

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I know there is a path underneath the snow. I just cant see it. Like i cant feel your love. I cant hear you voice. Will i ever hear it again? Do you want to hear mine? I miss you laughing. Even if you laughed about me, for what i did or not beeing able to find the mcdo😬. I miss the way you would say hi when you pic up the phone. I miss the silence between sentences...

When the snow melts and i can see the path, where will it lead to? Does it lead to you? Will we walk it togheter? Not knowing, hoping and waiting tears my heart apart. I am not giving up on us, it is just so hard now without you. It feels like it all has no meaning anymore now that i cant pursue the dream of us togheter. The only thing i know is that there will be message one day wich either destroyes the dream or it will enlighten my heart again... hope that there still is hope gets me true the day.
But its hard to hope now that i am going true this, your husband gets a chance and i am the one who has to wait again. He is the one who can make it work and you can give in to him too. he only thing i have is wait... wait... wait... i cannot contribute to it that you will ever come back to me. And if you dont it will break the pieces of my heart that are lying on the floor now in even smaller pieces.

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Feels like my heart has a lot to tell then.
Even tho i am busy now, I miss you every second. It feels weird not chatting to you. I wished i could talk to you and Hear your voice again.

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​its only been about 24 hours and these don't seem to go by. i cannot sleep, i have trouble eating, It feels like my heart is beatin up everything inside. the only thing i do is look at my phone. hoping... wishing... 

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After not beeing able to sleep for most of the night. It feels different then last time. I just feel empty. I know you are trying and there is no way back. It feels like you've given up on us. I hope you'll look for me. Try to find me again...

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So here i am again... i thought i wouldn't need this Blog anymore. i hoped that faith had made a path for us. And then again, i had doubts, was afraid, everyday, that it could happen, that i was in second place an would need to clear the field. yes, today it happened. waking up looking at my phone, there it was. the thing i never wanted to hear. She made up her mind. Having me will always stand in her way of giving her marriage a second chance, i know that, and it is true.

Still i stand on the other side. I dont want to give her marriage a chance. I just want her. But if she doesn't know if he can treat her better, then she will look back with regrets and doubts if she did the right thing by leaving him. So she wanted to say goodbey to me. I did again what i did the other times. i convinced her and I said i will wait for her. pull back, not message her. Give her the opportunity to find out... I feel like a fool. i will keep loving her, miss her every second. I know what it feels like and it is horrible. Knowing that she is trying it again. What she needs to do for it and hope she will come back. I dont know if she will ever find the strenght to leave him again. Will she have the strenght to come back to me? talk to me and say sorry for waiting? I dont know. i cannot change anything anymore. Hope is all i have...

All i know is that even tho in most peoples lives, they would be happy now. Me and my wife get our second baby in the next 2-3 days. but my heart is dashed in shivers lying on the floor. i dont know what to do. it is 1:45 AM and i was still cleaning the house, trying to distract me. Like you said, you are still looking if i wrote you a message. I want to, whole the time. As i am holding my phone waiting for yours... i know we can't. we can't until you find out. but i am here, waiting4u. don't hesitate if you know. I would not go true this pain again if i was not willing to wait and take you back.

I hope Wall-e will be fixed one more time, he just need a little help from Eva...


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It is not long ago that we last time chatted, but already feels like a century. When we agreed that we would try it to not have contact i started crying, but i had to make dinner for the wife and daughter. Dinner was fun cause my daughter made some good jokes. But its hard to laugh if your crying inside. Then you messaged me you cant do it. Actualy i was happy, but sad at the same time. Happy cause it showed me you love me a lot and that means there is hope for us. Sad cause? If it don't work for you not having contact to me, you will need to forget me for ever. Whole night i have tried to setup this blog. We watched wall-e... you know why. it wasn't easy while the whole family watches tv on the same couch.

I thought about you whole day. I felt okay cause we had a good chat yesterday. The race this morning was okay, my athletes did good. My daughter wanted to run too but she is to small to run that long, she would have needed to run half a mile. When we came home i was in the kitchen whole afternoon. Making dinner and snacks for this night. I knew you don't know the things i was making. I want to make it for you someday. Wonderd if you would like them.
I talked to my mom today. She will start a diet with my father. They will not eat anything anymore what has sugar in it. I don't think its a good idea. My mom weighs 52 kgs and is 5ft 9inch... she cant loose any weight anymore. But she will if she eats like that. My father could loose weight. But he can cut on beer and snacks, that would do it too.

We had some fireworks, just a bit. But M was tired and got a little scared. So i did not ignite all. I like to watch big fire works. I think its romantic even if its loud.

I was wondering today on what you said that you lived all your life in Texas. I don't want you to move somewhere where you don't feel confy. Ill move for you if thats necessary. You know what i will say... it will all be okay. I could live anywhere, if we just can be together. (Only not in a warzone 🙈)

Now its almost 3 AM for me. I wonder if you are done with work. Think about it what you will be doing. Will you think about me tonight? Should i send you a message at your midnight to say happy new year? I know i shouldn't... but you did too. I ll set my alarm and decide then...
i guess i am going to feel empty the next few weeks, loving you but not knowing what you do.

I wished i treated you better in December, i feel if i did you maybe wouldn't have decided this way...

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The heart wants what it wants... you showed me the song. I aint alive till i hear your voice and thats true. Today is hard. Wishing everyone the best for 2017 but there is only one thing i want with all my heart.

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Since almost 24 hours we arent talking anymore and there are 672 more to go... still checking my messages, social medias and all other possibilities to see if i can find some sign of you somewhere. That i found non is hard. Meaning you are realy trying to give him a second chance... then it wonders me if i am the only one feeling like i feel now. If there is hope? If i should wait.. Or if this is just a long goodbey. I was listening to your songs whole day, trying to understand if you were saying something with those. Right now i am sitting, waiting wishing... trying to act like everything is normal. I hold M in my arms for along time, pretending she was you. Saying i love her. She looked back at me said she did too... i wonder if you would look at me the same as she did. Hoping the day will come that i find out for myself.

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