Hey, remember when I wrote about me going out? Well, shit happend a couple of days after that, that has things to do with that night kinda. I'll explain when I'm ready and I won't be writing until I sort this out. Just know that I am feel so violated and I just lay in my bed and sleep all day.

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DISCLAIMER:

IF YOU SUFFER FROM AN EATING DISORDER PLEASE SEEK HELP!
Helpline: 1-800-931-2237

Still going strong with throwing up, I've lost about 1 kg I think and I can tell that my body has started to thin up a bit more. You can see my collarbones and I can't believe I'm writing this but I love my thighs now. They're so skinny and I look hella hot when wearing skirts, now I just need to get my tummy flat and I'll look like I've always wanted to. I got a gymcard about a week ago to help with that, so hopefully when I write again in a month I'll be able to say that progress has been made and I might even post a pic of my body if I'm confident enough.

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I feel normal, I guess?
For the first time in a long ass time I don't feel sad or mad or anything like that, but at the same time I'm not super happy or happy at all. Just normal? Like neutral. I'm sorry my blog is standing still right now, don't know what to write about when my life is so boring and I'm drowning in homework.

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Sorry I've been gone. Yet again.
I thought I was pregnant.
Scared the actual shit out of me.
Thank God it was a false alarm, turns out missing your period can be a side effect of not eating good enough
Anyways, to celebrate I'm not pregnant me and my friends are going out today, probably just for a few drinks at the local bar and then we'll meet up with some guys if we want to.
And you all know by now!!!
Alcohol + me = really good pathetic stories.
I can predict that a sad depressing blog post will be posted tomorrow.
I've been good other than the whole pregnancy thing. Just same old forcing myself out of bed, crying while doing my make up because what is life? And then going to school being kinda happy. I've actually been kinda snappy towards my friends this week and I need to get that sorted out.
Gotta run, time to shave them legs and put on a skirt and thigh high boots.
Watch out boys, a hot drunken mess will be making an appearance!!!

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I've got a writers block so I thought I'd just tell you guys about my first kiss.
WARNING IT IS GOING TO BE AWKWARD!!!!

Ok so, I was 16 at the time and I'd told my friends that I had indeed made out with boys because peer pressure.
I was at this boring party with at a random girls place and no one was really dancing, people were just getting shitfaced.
This guy approached me (He was 19 year old at the time) a couple of hours into the party and we went out for a smoke. He kept looking at me and laughing. So I asked him: "What’s so funny?".
He then put out his cigarette and walked the two steps that were distancing us. I got super nervous and kinda felt it coming because he kept looking at my lips and he licked his.
So I did what any 16 year old would do, I went inside.
Yup.
I didn't say anything just put the cigarette and literally walked inside, no word was said. :)
I cringe so hard just thinking about it.
Anyways, he followed me inside but didn't say anything.
I went to my friends and he went to his, and we didn't talk for the rest fo the night.
At about 2 am it was time to leave and my friends were already outside of the house waiting for the bus. I was struggling to find my phone and was kinda freaking out. I was drunk and confused.
Then the guy came up to me and pulled out my phone out of his pocket. He explained that he'd found it on the bathroom floor.
I got really happy (again I am VERY drunk by this point), I take my phone and I think I was the one to hold his hand. He then leaned in and I freaked the fuck out, because I wanted to kiss him but I had no idea HOW.
We started off kissing softly and it was nice. Then his tongue got involved. And I had NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.
Looking back I think he knew this was my first kiss, because let me tell you. I opened my mouth and shoved my tongue down his throat. We kissed for like 15 second then my friend came inside and told me that we had to go because the bus was coming.
We said bye and never talked again.
Awkward is a understatement.

Bildresultat för awkward kiss

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I may be too poor to buy new clothes, but I can dream.
Here's what I want when my bank account isn't suffering anymore.

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It's Fridaaaaaay.
God it feels great.
School has given me so much anxiety lately because I got my thrid F this semester. I'll try to redeam myself when I'm feeling better.
Ok, what else?
I haven't talked to my little crush, I think (THINK) I'm starting to kinda get over him? I don't even know, also don't wanna jinx my sorry ass.
I'm going to the gym tomorrow, which might not seem like a big deal to you guys, but it is to me.
Just trying to do my best at being a better sorry excuse for a human and a working person in society.
Works also great, I mean as great as work can get.
I think that's a fairly good update, not much is happening. But knowing me I'll fuck something up and be sad for a couple of days/weeks, blog about it and then I might feel better.
The circle of lifeeee.

MOOD AT ALL TIMES

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DISCLAIMER:

IF YOU SUFFER FROM AN EATING DISORDER PLEASE SEEK HELP!
Helpline: 1-800-931-2237

It's been a month since my last update. And, the news aren't that good. I haven't been throwing up at all since three weeks ago. Its not because I don't want to, it is because I can. I've been surrounded by people at my house and haven't gotten the opportunity, which sucks. Instead I've tried to cut back on my eating, I've gone from eating breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks in between the meals + chocolates and other sweets to lunch and dinner. Sometimes I snack on chips or yoghurt, but I try not to.
Next week the house is going to be emptier and I'll go back to throwing up, can't wait to be skinny.

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I've been cooped up inside for the last two days, just laying in my bed, listening to music and watching Netflix. I can feel my body melting into my bed, feels lovely. Really, it does. :)
Another thing I've been really good at is not to ignore all my messages and snaps. My friend just rang me up, she yelled a bit because she thought I'd died or something, I blamed it on a fever. She's on her way now to bring me soup and cuddles, that's sweet of her. I'm going to have to pretend to be sick, but I guess when you have a fever you're kinda down and woozy and that's what I am right now.
I just feel like crying for a bit, so I'll try to squeeze a lil' crying session before she arrives.
How pathetic can you be?

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Sorry I've been away for a while. Just needed to get my shit together after the whole new years eve fiasco. I haven't gotten my shit together yet, I'm still trying to figure out a way to get it together. In the movies the girl always starts focusing on her self after something like this.
She starts going to the gym, eating healthy, reading insporational books and after a while she's just happy again.
I'm not.
I knooow, what a surprise, it's not like I'm the most negative person on the planet.
It just feels like I'm not good enough for anyone.
I found out that he made out with another girl that same night. And fuck. Why?
I hate not being good enough, I hate feelings this way.
I'm going to forget about him.
That's always step 1.
Or like, just accepting that you have a crush. And I do. I know I've got this huge crush on this random guy. And it's now confirmed he feels nothing for me. So I'll move on. It'll be hard, I'm not stupid. But I will. I will get over that fucker.
Anyways, Ed Sheeran came out with two new songs. So I'm blasting them on my speaker while crying and eating ALOT of leftover chocolates from Christmas. :)
New Year, Same fucking mess of a human being.

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