I love an egg and some avocado. Throw in a couple of toasted English muffins and you've got yourself a supreme 550kcal lunch. I like to top with some pepper and nooch, of course.
I have been vegetarian for a solid 5 years now. I attempted it multiple times as a teen, but it wasn't until my early twenties that I committed. The choice was made for ethical reasons, for the animals. At the time, that was enough.
Around two years ago I began looking into veganism. I gave it go a once or twice in 2015, to no avail. I did not have the willpower. I took the plunge once more in November 2016 and it just... worked? I did not crave anything, I did not want to cheat or stray. I began reading and researching more. I started planning trips to vegan fairs and festivals. I watched every documentary I could get my hand on.
Then in June I began my new job. In the first week of my new job I had to eat out 5 times, where I had no control over location or menu. I caved each time - I decided to temporarily go back to vegetarian during these work meals. But I found that every time I "cheated" on my veganism for one meal, I would end up cheating for the whole day. I would say, "screw it, I'm going to cram in all the non-vegans foods I can today".
This lead to some pretty epic binges. One day I can recall starting my day with a couple of Nakd bars, a houmous & falafel wrap for lunch - all well and good. Dinner we went to an Indian restaurant and I ate everything. Drank all the wine. Once back to my hotel room, I drunkenly ordered pizza. But not just pizza though, of course not. Got to cram in all the dirty treats! I got a large pizza, garlic bread, cookies & wedges.
This cycle of restricting my options, cheating & binging continued 2-3 times a week for over a month. The guilt, the bloat & the weight gain was out of control.
I made the decision to go back to being vegetarian for the time being. Knowing I can have a occasional chocolate bar once or twice a week means I don't force them down my throat like they're going out of style when I can. Bulking out meals with eggs helps me feel fuller for longer. Opening up my options lessens the anxiety when I have to eat out or grab something on the go.
Do I still believe in veganism? Of course I do. Am I a hypocrite? Totally. Do I feel guilt? Definitely.
I want to slowly transition back to veganism, as I get my relationship with food back on track. But I'm having to be selfish for the time being. I'm putting my mental health first, which is a privilege that animals don't have - I'm aware.
Until next time.