I'm not a writer. If anything my creative process consists of my paintings. But I wouldn't be able to write out my feelings if I needed to in order to save my life. But I'll try my best.
I'm only here because of this one girl, she isn't the reason for anything I guess, but she uses this site. And I suppose I'm taking time out of my night to type out my thoughts as she does.
I think its funny because I really used to hate her. Which is insane because to this day I don't even know her. The only thing I know for sure is that she once loved, or is still in love with this person I loved a lot. If you haven't guessed, that was the reason why I didn't like her. I saw her as this crazy ex. Someone HE couldn't get rid of. I guess even while we were together he never truly got rid of her. The only info I had of her was what he would tell me. That she always tries to break up his relationships. That she never really got over him. I don't know, I've never been one to ask too much about a person's past. But after he left me I did a lot of digging and I read her blog.
I don't fully understand what happened. It's none of my business, and the bits and pieces I DO know...come from her posts that I've read on this very website. On her blog.
From what I've read, it seems like they've been through a lot over the past years. Looking back at that past and comparing it to my relationship with him...., it kind of hurts to say but I'm pretty much irrelevant. I'm not trying to gain pity or fish for reassurance, but it's just how I see it and I think that's okay. I just hope she finds someone that deserves her time and her love. Because I truly believe she deserves that.
As for him....
He was really good at capturing my heart and making me fall for him. There were so many red flags, but I still ignored them and kept on going. Honestly at first he was just someone from tinder. I never expected anything serious to come from tinder. But after that first day of hanging out, it just happened more and more.... I don't know what happened, he made me laugh. He was willing to drive an hour to see me. He bought me food. Those are such basic reasons but I stayed those months.. Despite his lack of trust and constant accusations towards me cheating, Despite my friend's warnings to leave because he was insane. .Despite my efforts to reassure him that I can be trusted. Everyone has their own past that affects their perceptions I suppose. But the way he held me, the way I felt when I talked to him about my past and my problems. The way he would sing in his truck, how he would hold my hand and let me play with his hair as we drove around at 2AM. The times he would complain about his day to me. How when we would argue, we'd always find a way to get passed it. I loved him and those moments that made the arguments and the accusations worth it. He was worth it.
Even so, I'd be lying if I said I didn't love him.
I haven't loved like that in so long. It hurt so much when he left me. I remember I kept asking him if he was really done with me. If he really wanted me out of his life. He never gave me a straight answer. Then again, I never really got a straight answer from him when he left me.. I still have so many questions that I've accepted will go unanswered. Honestly, I probably won't talk to him ever again. I've debated greeting him on his birthday, but I think I'm going to cross that bridge if it comes, or if I even remember.
It's been a month since I've spoken to him. I don't have his number anymore due to me getting a new phone. He took me off all his social media. I have no reason to contact him even though some nights I really want to.
I think I'm writing this because today, I found out from someone that he's dating another girl. She's pretty but I don't know her so that's all I can say. Given I was hurt at first, but I just hope they're happy.
I just hope you're doing good. I really do.