I almost gave up .... The feeling of not being on the right track crawl back ... From the unconsciousness into ..... And there it is .... Into the consciousness ....? Well I don't know .... But after I talked to my mum yesterday I felt insecure about what I am doing .... And minutes before, I felt so confident ..... However I always knew I have to face confrontation when I tell them that I still don't have a fixed plan about my life .... Moreover .... I want to continue to dwell longer in the state of " not forcing myself into any direction" and devoting my self and my time to the practice of yoga by participating in a yoga teacher training in November this year ( which was the " big news " I shared with my mum).
My my mum herself is very supportive in her own way .... By accepting and understanding me I feel so grateful for having her in my life .... However as she is the linkage to the world of tradition and security... I got a taste of what I have to face when I go back home at the end of the month .... 2 weeks back home .... With friends and family. I am looking forward to the good times but I am not looking forward to endlessly explaining myself why I still have "no plan". Some will ask out of curiosity with no further strings attached .... And some will try to understand my way by labelling me with any of the preset labels that society has already prepared... Anyway let's see how that goes ....

Anyway after I have talked to her I was wondering if it might be the best idea to go back to my old company .... Take the job which is waiting for me .... And just try my best to nurture from all memories and experiences that I have as a souvenir in my backpack .... To go back to the life with money , securities, with preset schemes that tells you what "happiness" is .... What it requires ... And how I get there .... I felt insecure in my own decision .... But my heart tells me I don't want to go back .... I feel frightened by the idea of going back .... But why ...? Why must I feel scared to go back to a place where everything is in peace and harmony ....?

Thinking about it makes me realising the following:
If I go back to a place like this .... Of course it is nice .... Of course I would not need to worry .... But how sustainable can it be, to depend on external factors .... That determine your happiness .... Career, money, house, car, friends...etc ... What happens if one of these things disappears or all at once ...Because of death, fight, accident etc.... Can we still be happy ...? Can we be happy if we lose everything tomorrow? I think not ... Depression , anxiety, sickness, addictions ..... And a fairly long and hard way to recover, especially if it happens to a time in which obligation ( loan, family , etc ) doesn't not allow you to just break free ....or make it at least much harder, to recover from a loss.

Maybe I am hiding by not returning to this place that seems resembles a paradise ... But maybe I am also just not ready yet. Not ready to define happiness for myself . To find happiness in myself, which is independent of any external factors. A detachment from everything that proclaims to guide you to happiness. If I am happy from inside, and if I know how I can create inner balance ... Then it should not matter what happens around me .... Then I can go to anywhere I want .... Which doesn't not mean that I am going to live as a beggar on the street ... But it means that I make the right decisions ... That I choose the right targets that automatically generates happiness ... And to find it in feel i am on the right way but just not ready yet.

The more I read, the more I express myself ( mainly in written form or through deep conversations) the more I just do what I feel like I wanna do....the better I feel and the more happy I am. I just feel I am not ready yet .... But instead of giving up and following the predefined path of happiness, I want to take my time, because is brings me happiness. NOW. Not tomorrow. It's makes me happy about who I am, and the present moment. It makes me appreciate the small little things at the very moment. That's why I start to right this blog. To express myself mainly to myself .... And as a diary. To remember MY WAY where ever it will bring me .....



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Now I will continue here ......To share my thoughts on this platform

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