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Parenthood, Australia, Sweden, Family

Life, Noah, Family

I cried the other night, alone and silently. I cried the other night, because I felt for the first time in a long time, that one parent is not enough. That I am not enough. I went to bed and almost felt like my heart was rebreaking, like the wound dehisced. I cried the other night, but here I am, doing it on my own.

It wasn't anything specific that had happened, nor had the day started off negatively. It was just a cloudy afternoon, where I carried my heart in my stomach, and my mind haunted me. My anxiety was at it's greatest and Noah's mood was foul. He was acting out, and screamed angrily at the top of his lungs, threw things and shoved everything and anything in his way. The happiest little boy in the world, acting out without me knowing why. I helped him through it, I calmed him down, I was patient even though I was screaming on the inside. I held him in my arms as my son calmed himself and I felt empty. At that moment, I felt incomplete, like I needed someone. Not a friend or my parents, but my co-parent. My son's father. We were suppose to do this together, fight the tough times together, even though we might not be a couple, we should still have done it together. I took that feeling with me to bed. Noah was in a better mood, but my soul was still heavy. I doubted myself, and worried that I can't do it on my own, I cried that night, but I woke up the next morning and got it done anyway. I was reminded again by Noah's beautiful smile, humorous spirit and kind soul that 9 out of 10 times he makes it easy on me. That he is the best child in the whole world and I am so lucky to have him. That there is not anything I couldn't, that I wouldn't do for him, and that I will spend the rest of my life fighting for him, no matter if I am alone or not. That's what being a mother is, a real life superhero, and I am especially proud to be a single mother.


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Recipes

Who else started Christmas baking? During the weekend I made the very delicious, very Swedish and very Christmassy lussebullar, and believe me when I say that they tasted like heaven. I HAVE TO bake some new ones before December ends. You can make some to, and by using this recipe, I promise, you won't get disappointed...


  • Melt 50g butter and pour 5dl milk into the pot
  • Add 50g soft yeast to a large bowl and mix with 1dl water until yeast dissolves then add the milk/butter to the bowl
  • Add 1tsp salt, 2tsp sugar, about 1.5 later flour, 2dl cottage cheese & 0,5 grams saffron to the bowl and mix it all together
  • Work with it until it becomes a dough, place some flour on top of the dough, cover the bowl with a towel and let rest for about an hour
  • Mix 125g butter, 1.5dl sugar and 1 egg together and then add another 0,5 grams of saffron and mix it rapidly
  • Add the egg/saffron mix to the dough and work it all together until it becomes one
  • Add more flour to make it less sticky, but be careful to add too much
  • Roll them into any shape, paint them with an egg, and add raisons or pearl sugar as garnish
  • Place in the oven for about 10 minutes
  • Eat and enjoy!!


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Life, Noah, Family

I know that it has literally been FOREVER since my last blog post, and there is no excuse for that other than the fact that we have not been feeling 100% and I've been working a lot. But from now on, I promise I'll do a lot better. More posts will be coming your way. It is Tuesday today, not the most exciting day of the week I'm afraid, but soon enough it'll be Wednesday which is a little bit closer to Friday so yay! Last weekend we were up a tiny bit further in this long country, visiting my youngest cousins. We spent the night, so we had a lot of time to catch up which was fabulous. We came home on Sunday, and already then, did Noah not seem completely himself. He was absolutely hysterical on the way back, so I decided to leave him home on Monday with my parents who are here now, while I was at work. Because he was still a bit tired and sneezy, I decided to leave him home with them today again. It was a long day for him to be away from me, because not only was I at work until 3, but after that I took the bus to the mall and went shopping for Christmas presents. It felt good to spend some time for myself, and get things done. Now I've bought most my presents, just another trip to town on the weekend and I should be set. I had some sushi, and looked around in my favourite shops. By the end of it, I was carrying so many bags, I could hardly hold them all with two hands. But I got home eventually to my sweet little boy who ran towards me with open arms as soon as I opened the door. I always love him welcoming me, but today, when I laid one hand on him, I felt how his skin was burning, and his entire face was completely red, almost swollen. So instantly I placed a special cream on him, and gave him nurofen. Noah has not let me out of his sight since I've come home which is understandable but with more than 39 degrees fever and painful cheeks, Noah has also been inconsolable. He's fallen asleep a couple of times, but awoken again after just a few minutes and has been equally sad every time. The only times I've been successful at calming him down has been the times where he's literally laid on top of me, which works until I have to get up and do things. We are now in bed and I've just gotten him to sleep again, and I am hoping he will stay asleep. My poor man is so miserable tonight and nothing seems to be cheering him up, and I can feel how hot he is so once again, there will be no school for Noah tomorrow. My poor baby. How I wish I could stay home with him and take care of my darling. If he is not better tomorrow, I may have to try some home remedies to make him better because clearly this pharmaceutical stuff is not helping! Any tips on natural remedies for a fever, sore skin and a runny nose?

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I am such a proud mother right now. My son, who is 19 months old, has been to 8 different countries, 3 continents. My goal now is for him to reach 10 countries before he's two. Any ideas of where we can go? Two days ago we just got back from a mini vacation to LONDON!! The weekend was very long, but extremely good. Best weekend in a long time. I met good friends, and spent time with my big sister. We ate good food and drank strong drinks. We shopped and shopped and shopped, for Christmas and otherwise. I watched my sister get her ass kicked during a rugby game for the first time which was exciting. We had so much fun, but both Noah and myself got the cold from hell, but we tried to avoid it as well as possible which was doable until we got back home to Sweden. We took one day off of work and school and just relaxed all day. We are both feeling much better, I just have my cough still, and Noah has a runny nose.

I've heard so many people say that children shouldn't travel, but I find that to be absolute bullshit. I believe that it gives them great experiences from a young age, and an open mind about the world. Its also a privilege as a mother to have that chance, to show my son the world, and I won't ever stop.

What are some of your thoughts on travelling with children?

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Life, Noah

I've blogged about this before, and I'll blog about it again... what am I talking about? BREASTFEEDING! My son is 19 months, and yes he is still breastfeeding. At this point, society calls it "extended breastfeeding", a term that I hate using, but that is how it is. I've actually had questions from people in my surroundings, and even from a doctor why I am still breastfeeding, and if it isn't time for me to stop! I even heard of one doctor tell another breastfeeding mother that COWS MILK is better. LIKE EXCUSE ME!? To me, that is an extremely uneducated thing to tell a mother with a young child. I've done a lot of research, talked to a lot of professionals and there is so much I can throw back in the face of those who judge because I KNOW that no matter what other mothers decide to do, I know that breastfeeding is whats best for MY KID. I'm extremely lucky to be able to breastfeed because I know not all women are that fortunate, and I am not about to stop because it isn't common anymore in the western civilisation to breastfeed past the age of 1.

I don't have to mention that breastfeeding is natural and the most healthy thing on this planet, that goes without saying, but the fact is that the natural age to stop weaning at is actually between ages of 4 and 7. Yes, that is right. SEVEN. After that, it doesn't have the same beneficial needs anymore, but it certainly gives nutrition before then. It also boosts the immune system and even the brain development on the baby or toddler. For those who don't believe that, well there are several studies on the subject that proves it to be true, just take a minute to look it up. It also happens to be extremely beneficial to the mother herself for that matter. It reduces the risks of breast, ovarian and endometrial cancer, and yes, this has been proven. It calms both the baby and mother down during stressful situations.

I hate to come off as sounding judgemental, but I am myself sick of getting weird looks and shocked reactions to the fact that I still breastfeed my son, and the reason I still am, are based on these facts. I'm sure any mother who has chosen formula, or stopped breastfeeding earlier had her reasons for that to. And for those who worry about extended breastfeeding, let me tell you, that other people's judgement mean absolutely nothing, for only you know what is best for your child. There is no evidence that weaning will be more difficult to face. I've decided to self wean my child. The meaning of this is that he decides himself when he wants to get off the breast. That's a decision I've recently come to terms with and my reasons why are because I really feel no rush to stop at any time soon when he is not willing nor ready. After doing my research on the matter, it turns out that children often lose interest anyway between ages 2 and 5. Noah is now 19 months, and is already not as hooked on the boob like he once was, and I'm sure he could go days without it if I weren't around. I feel very happy and confident in my decision to take it as it comes rather than build up a time line. My son eats other foods as well, very good and regularly, just like any other average kid in his age group, and is extremely healthy since breastmilk is more of a comfort than anything else these days. There are great support groups on Facebook that any breastfeeding mother with thoughts and ideas are welcome to join!!


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Life, Random

I found these questions on instagram, and thought I'd give them a go. It is always a good post idea to answer questions about yourself :)

  1. Sexuality? I don't really want to label myself, or anybody else for that matter. I can see myself fall in love with any gender, colour, race etc
  2. If you were a movie character, who would you be and why? Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffanies) perhaps. She is just a strong and opinionated woman who knows what she wants and lives in the moment.
  3. What is your favourite book? The woman he loved before by Dorothy Koomson
  4. What is your favourite movie? The Breakfast Club I suppose
  5. What are your hobbies? Singing, cooking, baking, reading, crafting... I can go on and on
  6. What do you look for in people? Romantically and platonically? Their kindness and strength. I admire those who aren't afraid to be themselves and always show respect for others and themselves.
  7. How would you describe yourself? Spontaneous, witty, creative, emotional
  8. If you could change anything in the world, what would it be? The fear and hatred people build up against anything that is different to their own lives or believes
  9. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? The way I beat myself up over things
  10. How do you see the world? Big, beautiful, mysterious, incredible, sad, hurt, scary
  11. What would you do or say to someone in low spirits? Depends on who the person is, and what their reason for being low may be
  12. And lastly, what do you think of your community? I'm sure it is a great community for those who want to live there. Fair and helpful, but it isn't for me in the long run.

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Happy Halloween readers!! Yesterday I threw Noah his very first Halloween party. All his little one year old friends came and it was all super cute. When it comes to scaring, and spooky stuff, horror movies and all that, I am a freak. I absolutely love it an naturally that makes Halloween one of my favourite holidays. However, I do find it sad that it isn't very big in Sweden so I definitely belong in a country that is big on it. Growing up in an international environment, I was lucky to get to do halloween right. I am actually thinking of making the halloween party an annual thing. But time will tell. I spent all of yesterday organising for the party. I decorated the house with balloons, pumpkins, spiderweb and more, and cooked finger food for all types of people and children. I dressed Noah up as a pumpkin, and I was the devil. The day was a success with good food, and fun games, and I'm happy with the outcome. I can't wait until he's a bit older and can go all out in his costume with me and all his little friends haha.

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Life, Random

As a single mother, I have not been able to take care of myself much. I spend the week days working, and then spending time with Noah, and I spend the weekends catching up my time that I missed with Noah as I've worked. Also because it wasn't actually that long ago I permanently ended a serious relationship I've needed the time to wallow and grieve. I have never been the type of person to look for a relationship, I just let them happen naturally when the right person comes along. I'm an over-emotional person with a now very much fragile heart. I keep it safe and only give it away to those who manage to steal it, which usually doesn't happen easily. I think I shocked most people I know when I actually did get into a relationship all those years ago. Lately however, I've felt the need to get back on the dating horse. At first, my thoughts about it were excused because I felt like I was being selfish for wanting to date, but after talking to supportive people in my life, I came to realise that I deserve it. My life doesn't have to be filled with lonely days, wondering why my last relationship didn't last. That it is ok for me to fall in love again some day, a long, long time away from now most likely haha. I am not ready for a serious relationship and I can't imagine myself being so any time soon. I am however ready to meet new people, being asked out, have some adult conversation, eat good food, flirt and boosting my self esteem, something that all women need every once in a while. So that is what I am going to do, this weekend and more weekends to come. With still doubting that what I am doing is actually ok, I am still trying to convince myself that I am not doing anything wrong by dating again. And who knows, if I meet enough people than a first date may actually lead to more. The last time I went on a first date, it was absolutely perfect. We'd been seeing each other behind closed doors, and never spoke about it out in the open, and he was a really forbidden fruit at the time, which naturally, made me want him even more haha. But on our first date, was the first time it was just him and me out in the open, laughing and having awkward conversations. He took me out to dinner, and I remember feeling those butterflies we hear so much about. And just because I didn't want the date to end, I suggested we go to the cinema, which we eventually did but the only movie to show that late was Magic Mike 2, and I have never seen a guy sit so uncomfortably in a cinema chair, I almost felt bad for him. After that we went home, and it is very possible that it was the same night our love conceived our son. We spent two years together and had a child after that. Maybe I'll be that lucky to fall in love again someday, But if I'm not, I'll be happy with having felt it at some point in my life. Not everyone does.

Now I am going to bed. Suuuuuper tired. Goodnight, all <3

ps. How is it that snapchat manages to make us look so much better as some cartoon than actual people?

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Life, Random

Has everyone seen the trend on Facebook, where women put 'me too' as their status? Well to clarify, the point of the status is for any woman who has ever been sexually harassed or assaulted to post #metoo on Facebook, so that we could try to give people a magnitude of the problem. It is for all women who have been victims and for all men who are guilty of the cause to step back and take a look at their behaviour. For every woman who's ever gone to bed with their self esteem shattered and the painful question "why me?" on their mind when they wake up in the morning. For every man to wonder how they would feel if someone treated their daughter the way they treat women, would they be pleased? For every woman who's been groped or touched unwillingly and for any man who's ever thought that laying their hands on someone without getting a "yes" first and thinks that it is ok.

I am a victim of sexual abuse, and so are most women I know. It happens uncountable many times, and it is NEVER ok. We should be proud to be women, and feel safe in our own skin. We should love our men, and they should love us right back, and respect us and our bodies.. A no is a no, not a maybe, and never a yes!

#metoo

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Family, Life, Noah

Hello, hello.

How is everyone? We are doing great besides the runny noses and Noah's cough. Finally, it is just Noah and me and even though help is appreciated, it is so nice to be alone with just my little one. It really does make a big difference in our life because I can finally feel like the mother I am, and not feel like I have to adapt to anyone. We can get into our routines and live by our own rules and it feels wonderful to be a "real little family" and my own boss so to say. It is really difficult to be a feel like an actual parent when there are other people around putting opinions in your head all the time. I can breath and be myself. We all need that as parents, to make sure we put ourselves in the right priority if that makes sense? I've also noticed a huge difference in Noah as well. He is a lot more relaxed with just the two of us and I notice that new traits of his personality really shine through now. Noah has even started to like daycare more ever since his days there got longer even though he always cries when I drop him off. He's made friends that he's excited to see and waves goodbye to when I come to pick him up. Some days he doesn't even want to leave daycare haha. Work is still going well for me, and I am enjoying getting things done and being useful to the community, and I think it is good for my mental health to keep busy and stay distracted. I just wish I didn't have to be away from my little sweetie for so long during the day. Well, well, that is life I guess.

Oh my Noah, it is him and me, always. I get so mad at myself when I let other people think that they have any say in my parenting or how Noah should be raised. It tears me. I am going to work on standing up for myself, and realise that it is ok for me to tell people to back off, even if they get upset. That is a parents roll, to be the strong one. I am his mother, and I love doing it on my own. The only other person who is allowed to co-parent is his father, and that is just how it is. You and me, little man <3 my reason for living.

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