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I have sat at the computer just staring; I don't know where to begin. I guess the very beginning is a logical place to start.
My name is Cierra Aaron Madill. I was born in Bountiful Utah on January 25, 1996. My birthday was one of the snowiest days. School was cancelled and so everyone came to see me.
From the beginning my parents were never really there. My mom would leave for hours, even days with no warning that she was leaving. She would just leave. I would stay with my grandma; She practically raised me as a child. I love my grandma. She has done so much for me. Before I was born and into when I was little my mom and dad were both on Meth. They partied, stole, lied. Although they had their struggles, my grandma did tell me they both worked very hard. They basically had no choice because my mom was always pregnant. My mom told my grandma once that my dad was always very forceful. My grandma never saw it with her own eyes, neither did I. I did not even know my dad was a druggie until I was about 16. Jamie always said that my dad and mom were cute together. My dad was always taking care of my mom. I guess people really do see the same things differently. I don’t have much memory of my younger childhood.
I do know that I was a rambunctious piece of work. I hated wearing clothes, never had my hair done. I was a messy eater. I was a troublemaker from the beginning. My mom used to tell me that I would fake sleep in my crib. When everyone else would go to bed I would then get up and do my own things around the house.
Maybe my parents loved me? I honestly don’t know. They were shitty at showing it if they did the way they claim to. A father is supposed to protect his little girls and love them endlessly. My father was the first man to ever break my heart.
When I was 2 my sister was born. I don't remember it. But i'm sure I was excited.
When I was 3 my mom and dad got a divorce. At the time my step dad Sean was living with them at my grandmas house. He was best friends with my uncle Jeff. I strongly believe that my mom was cheating on my dad with Sean before they got a divorce, but I have never been told that so it’s just a hunch. I am not really sure how Sean came to be or how my dad met my stepmom. I just know my step mom was a huge problem in my life.
I remember in the beginning things were good with my dad and stepmom. That was long before I was old enough to make my own choices and stand up for myself so I belive thats when we started having problems. When I started having my own opinions. When me and my sister were still little my dad and stepmom had custody of us and we would see our my mom every other weekend. We lived with my grandma Elmer for a while after my dad and stepmom got married. I remember going to kindergarten down the street and eating deer meat for the first time at a friends house. Thats all I remember about living there and then we moved into a house in Tooele. 913 N 310 E Tooele Utah. Brandon and Heidi were always fighting over the phone. My mom wouldn’t show up for visits, or she’d be super late.
Around this time My little brother Myles was born in October.
When I was 6 I was sexually abused in the park. I was playing with my friend Erin Crump and Hannah. When Erins mom came to pick her up I was going to walk home. The park was right up the street from my house. In fact, you could basically see the park from my front window. A man approached me and asked where my parents were. I proceeded to tell him my parents were at home. The man took my hand and walked me into the bathroom. I didn't know what was going on but I knew it felt wrong. He made me touch him and told me that If I told anyone my parents wouldn't love me anymore. He started touching me too and I cried. He told me not to cry. I was scared. I am sure there was more but that Is all I remember. When he finally stopped I left the bathroom and I ran home. I didn't tell anyone. I pushed it so far in the back of my mind I myself forgot what had happened for a while.
I remember One day my mom took my sister and I to Artic Cirlce. My sister and I were having fun playing so my mom asked for a little more time with us. I guess Brandon and Cynthia didn’t like that because they called the cops on my mom. ( I am sure there is more to the story that I was never told. But from my point of view, Brandon and Cynthia were irrational. ) Anyways, The cops showed up and took my mom away and Brandon and Cynthia came to pick us up. I remember always just wanting my mom. I loved my mom. I ended up having to go to therapy for “Acting out” When I came back from my moms and for random outbursts. I vaguely remember the the therapist asking me what happens when I go to my moms. I had to act out a family scenario with toys.
My little sister Chante was born. When she was 2 weeks old she passed away from SIDS. One day she just never woke up. My step mom went off the deep end after that. Understandably so. Now that I have a daughter of my own I couldn't even imagine what that was like for her. The funeral was hard. I was still so young and wasn't fully aware of the situation. My siblings and I stayed with my grandma for about a week. After we came back things got messy with my step mom and I. That's when me going back and forth between parents started. My sister never went back and forth. It was always just me.
I moved in with Heidi and Sean. We lived near Riverton Utah. I went to Rose Creek elementary. I was lonely. I missed my siblings. Heidi and Sean both worked so in the morning I would wake up alone. There would be milk in a cup waiting for me in the fridge and a bowl of cereal on the table. I would eat my cereal then walk to the corner to catch the school bus. I had no friends. I didnt see my family. It was horrible. My school was a year round school so I had two months on and like two months off. Or something like that.
This was the first time I remember telling a lie. I don't remember exactly what happened. Or what was said. I was playing with the car keys throwing them up in the air and I wasn't paying attention and accidentally threw them on top of the carport. I told my mom that a girl named Amber threw them up there out of anger. My mom ended up yelling at the girl and I got in a lot of trouble when I was caught in a lie. I was grounded to my bed with only a book for what felt like forever.
One day I came home from school and my parents weren't home. I went to the neighbors house and did the only thing I knew how to do. I called Brandon and told him I didn't know where my parents were. ( not the brightest move ) I ended up moving away from my mom and back in with Brandon and Cynthia. After that I just remember being in Idaho with Brandon and Cynthia.
I was now about 10. My yard was right in the middle of Cow fields and a farmer's property. It always smelt like cow manure and fields. We had a huge long driveway and when it came time for garbage day me and my sister would hold the garbage cans and sit in the trunk of the car while our dad drove down our long driveway and we'd set them by the road. The next day we'd wait for our dad to get home and go back to pick them up. All I remember from school was having to learn and memorize all the helping verbs… For some reason they are still imbedded in my brain..
“Is, are, was, were, has, have, had, be, being, been, am, do, does, did, may, might, must, could, should, would, can, shall, will”....... I think
I used to crawl under the fence and hide in the hay stacks on the neighbor's property in the barn. I was sitting alone one day and a little girl about my age came around and we ended up being really good friends. She'd always meet me there. I talked to her about everything. She was my only friend. One day my sister wanted to follow me. I got annoyed but she came anyways. My friend, like always, was waiting for me in the haystack. But my sister couldn't see her. I was so confused because I played with this girl every day. She was standing right in front of us and my sister didn't know what I was talking about. ( This was when I started feeling crazy. ) I realized that no one else could see my friend. She was dead. Or imaginary. I don't know. Maybe she was a spirit? I still see people and things sometimes. But not often. Anyways, when I was 12 I don't even remember what caused it but me and my stepmom ended up getting into a pretty big argument. She told my dad it was either me or her. If I didn't go back to live with my mom she wanted a divorce. He obviously chose her. And there I went. Back with my mom. Again.
When I moved back this time we lived at my grandma loris. Our house in Eagle Mountain was almost done being built. I don't remember anything from living with my grandma other than I was attacked by her bfs dog and had to get a ton of stitches in my nose and near my eyes. I was almost blind.
When our house was finished being built in Eagle mountain it was half way through my 6th grade year. This is when I met Noah and Kylie and things finally started looking up for me. I finally had friends. There was a girl named Morgan Stephens who I hated. She was just rude all the time and was always one upping everyone else. I wrote a mean story about her in a notebook and Mrs Dezarn ended up finding it. I got in trouble and had to pick up trash around the school and throw away boxes from the lunch room. Kylie came with me. When we went out there was some leftover spray paint and I spray painted some boxes. I ended up getting in even more trouble for “vandalism” and I was grounded for about two weeks. I sang a duet and solo in front of the Mayer with Misake Fenao. I had the biggest crush on him. He had a really good voice.
In sixth grade I started losing time. I'd lose hours. A few times I woke up and it was a couple days later. No one else seemed to notice so I didn't say anything because I felt crazy.
January 25 th 2008
For my birthday I remember going to classic skating with a few friends. It was fun. I got my first karaoke machine and I did nothing but sing for a month straight. Then school was coming to an end and I became friends with Noah. It was weird at first because his mom was my teacher. And seeing her outside of school all the time I got called teacher's pet and no one liked me because apparently I was her “favorite” which was completely ridiculous because I was best friends with her son.
At the beginning Noah and Colin were really mean to me. I used to have to do their homework and when they played zombies I could never play with them because I was not good. They finally let me start playing and eventually I became really good. Over summer me and Kylie became really close. I ended up dating a boy named Antonio. And I got closer to Noah and Colin as well. Me and Kylie did everything together. We became devious and naughty.
We used to go into unfinished houses and hang out either in the attic or we'd be upstairs so no one could see us. Antonio and his friend Cameron hung out with us a lot at the time too. They used to pee in the bottom drawers of the fridge. It was gross. One night we decided we wanted to attempt to sleep over in one of the houses. I asked my mom if I could sleep over at Kylie's and she asked her mom if she could sleep at my house. When my mom dropped me off I asked Kylie if I could use the bathroom so my mom thought I was going inside and then we both walked out the door and her mom thought we were leaving my with mom. We then walked to the unfinished houses and chose a really nice brown one to stay the night in. ( it was dark at this point ) As we were looking around we found a can of paint in the kitchen closet so we took it upstairs to the master bathroom. We spread the paint all over the floor.. Took off ALL of our clothes and slipped and slided all over the bathroom floor covering ourselves in paint. After a while we took a shower in the shower and cleaned off.. That same night we got scared at like 3 am and made up a lie and told my parents that Kylie's dad Scott had to go to the dr for a bad headache… So we couldn't be alone and my parents let Kylie come actually sleep over at my house.
Around the same time me and Kylie ended up stealing our 4-wheeler and getting in a ton of trouble. We were grounded from each other for about 2 months.
I could make a whole separate book on the memories me and kylie shared.
Scott always had a headache. He complained all the time. He was very uncomfortable to be around. I always suspected something was going on but I never knew how to bring it up to Kylie. As we got closer Scott started to dislike me. One day Kylie just never responded to my calls. She didn't answer the door when I walked over. She finally texted me and said we weren't allowed to be friends anymore. It came out of nowhere and it shattered my heart into pieces. I lost my best friend. I don't remember much of the rest of the summer because I sat home alone really depressed because I could no longer be friends with kylie.
I started 7th grade off struggling. I was back to having no friends. Both my parents worked so I was home alone a lot. I don't remember much of the beginning of this year at all.
February 10 2009 my life changed forever.
I was raped, beaten, and broken.
I had only ever seen him once before in the car, I believe he sold drugs to my mom. I feel really stupid because I let him into my house with absolutely no reason to. I told myself over and over that there was a reason he came back. I lied to myself so much I started believing the lies myself. He chose me because I was an easy target. Once I opened the door he forced me in and there was nothing else I could do. I should have just kept the door closed.
He took everything from me. I kicked. I screamed. He only got worse the more I fought. I finally gave in. He had complete power over me.
I stayed in bed for 3 days. I told my parents I was sick. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. Of course they believed me and thought nothing of it.
In April I found out I was pregnant. I then attempted overdosed on my moms oxycodone and sat in the attic wanting to die. For some reason I got scared after I took the pills so went to the bathroom and made myself throw up until I could not throw up anymore. I stopped eating. A few weeks later I woke up and there was blood everywhere. I did not have an abortion. But I did kill my baby.
Brian came back a total of 11 times. The 4th time he held a gun to my head. Told me he would kill me if I ever said anything. After that I never said a word to him. I let him in. I let him have his way with me. I just took it. Like I had said before one day he just never came back.
That summer I never left the house. My mom and sean ended up getting a divorce because of my moms drug usage. My dad kicked my mom out and she lived across the street at a neighbor's house. I had a few things there but I wanted to just stay home. My dad was always working so he didnt pay much attention to me or the things I was doing. I got tired of my mom. I got tired of my dad.
So Once again I ended up moving back in with Brandon and Cynthia. I moved right before the beginning of 8th grade. There was 7 of us in a one bedroom campground cabin.It was a very short stay. I absolutely hated it there. I should have never gone back. Me and my stepmom again were beating heads and I ended up calling her a bitch one day and she beat me. She threw me onto the bed and started hitting me. My dad grabbed her and pinned her up against the wall. I ran away. I spent the night in the top of a tree near my house. A few days later my dad flew me back to be with my mom.
When I came back my mom still lived at stephanies. This time all my stuff had been moved there too. I was upset. I didn't want to just live somewhere. I wanted to be home. My mom took me to my aunt Heathers to stay for a few days until she found somewhere else to stay. She never came back for me. She didn't even call. My aunt Heather asked if I wanted to live with them. So I did. We ended up going to disneyland. It was a fun trip.
When we came back I started school at heathers. I was going to church. I started doing really good. I made lots of friends. I was in the highest choir. I was in the school musical. I had good grades. Heathers was a stable place. It was a good school year. I got really close to one of my young woman leaders, Meagan. Of course, I had to fuck it up.
During the summer my mom finally decided to text me and asked if I wanted to move back in with her at my grandmas house. This made me angry. She just left me. Now she expected me to move back in with her?
I didn't respond to her and started another school year. I was trying to be happy. January 8th My mom again messaged me this huge long story on how she loved me and all this crap.
I asked Heather if I could go to Meagans to pick something up for YW and I told Meagan I loved her and when I went to head home I decided to run away. I did not go home. I sat at the top of some apartment buildings for hours. I watched as cops passed. I knew they were looking for me. I then saw Heathers car driving around. Then I finally saw my moms car driving around. I waited about an hour after I saw the last cop pass. It was late. I wanted to leave. I started walking down the street and a car sped up and pulled up behind me. I started to run and decided I was done running. I ducked behind a fence and I passed out in the snow. I closed my eyes and I didnt open them until the next day. I faked unconscious for 9 hours. They took me to the emergency room. I didn't want to go back to my mom.
The emergency room ended up sending me to Salt Lake behavioral. I stayed there from January 9 to the 25. I got out on my 16th birthday.
When I got out I started school in westlake. I moved back in with Sean for a while. I finished 9th grade. I ended up dating Colin. I got really close to him and Noah. We became inseparable.
I had a class with Kylie and she finally told me that she had been being abused by her step dad and that's why we couldn't hang out any longer. Scott was afraid that because I was so close to Kylie she would tell me. I found out that a lot of the time she had to do stuff with him to even hang out. I felt horrible. I blamed myself and still this day feel bad. I was her best friend. I should have said something all those years before when I first had a feeling that something was going on. I found out that that summer her mom had found pictures of her in her dads phone and he ended up going to prison. As far as I know he's still locked up.
I felt so sad for Kylie but I was glad at the same time that Scott was locked up and that we could be friends again. I was sad when her family moved away.
On April 21 I had sex for the very first time with Colin. By this point I didn't really care about myself, or even others. I went to yw here and there. I started sleeping around a lot. The second person I ever had sex with was Samuel Cordova. His dick was so small I couldn't feel anything. It was awful. I should have gave up on sex right then and there but I didn't. I went back to Sam like 3 times. I met a boy online named Felix. He was the 3rd person I had sex with. I told him I only wanted sex and he was fine with that. We had sex and I never saw or heard from him again. I got back with Colin for a while. And I became good friends with my neighbor Katie Hibbs. They were a family who fostered kids. I got pretty close to them.
Before 10th grade started I went to live with my mom and my grandma. I don't remember exactly why. I dropped out of school wanting to just do classes online. That didn't go well.
I got my very first job working at Taco Time. I dyed my hair black. I gained a lot of weight. I was just depressed. I met a boy on Xbox live named kiefer. I invited him over and we had sex. He had liked me for a while. We played zombies together and such. I knew he liked me. But all I wanted was sex. I then met another boy online named Brayden. I invited him over just for sex too. I then found out he had a girlfriend with a baby on the way. I felt really bad after that one. I met another boy online named Oscar. I knew he had a girlfriend but I had sex with him anyways. I was always looking for sex and I basically got it anywhere I could. ( sad, I know )
My mom started sneaking me into bars and such. ( yay mother of the year goes to her ) she was always fucked up. To high to even function. One time at the bar lumpy's right off the freeway in Sandy. A greasy man came up to me and my mom and was pretty much all over me. My mom looked at him and asked if he likes what he saw. She told him if he gave her his credit card he could have me. She took his card and again. She left me.
I knew what was coming. I felt sick to my stomach. He forced his hands into my pants and kissed me all over. I didn't make a scene. I was too young to be there and he knew that. When he finally stopped I went outside and sat on the bench waiting for my mom and a man named Trent came up to me. He asked why I was all alone and he flirted a bit. He was 26. I was 17. We exchanged numbers and I ended up dating Trent for 3 months. All we did was have sex in his car. We went to the movies a few times and dinner. But it was nothing special. During that time I started working at IFA. My mom had worked there for a while and they paid better than taco time. It was a fun job while it lasted. I ended up telling Trent I was bored and didn't want to sleep around with him anymore.
After my tenth grade year had passed I ended up moving in with Katie Hibbs family. They paid me over the summer to nanny their kids. We lived right at the top of pony express by the middle school. It was fun at first but their family was all sorts of fucked up. The mom was a control freak. Katie turned out to be a stuck up snob. I became friends with Sho at this time. I'm not sure how we became friends on fb but we text every single day through the summer. I met a boy named Bryan Halliday on Facebook and I ended up using him for sex as well. I didn't even care about him. Don't think he cared about me. I continued to sleep around. I slept with Colin a few more times. I wasn't perfect but I didn't really act out while I lived with the Hibbs. Towards the end of the summer that is when Sho first met me and came to bear lake with my family. Katie's mom called my mom while we were up at bear lake and told my mom I was not welcomed back. She accused me of smoking weed and coming home high all the time. Which honestly never happened. So idk where she came up with that idea.
When I came home I was broken because again. I was being sent away. No one ever wanted me. I didn't expect anyone to because I didn't want me either.
I ended up moving back in with my dad which was one of the best choices I ever made. He kicked my ass into shape and motivated me to graduate high school. My mom went missing for 7 months. This is when she stole a bunch of money from my uncle and fled to Colorado with Aaron Gibbs.
Senior year was hard. But it was the best school year of my life I got really close to Jenna Mortensen my math teacher. I basically lived in her classroom. My dad had met bev and so he was always gone over to her house. I was back in YW. I was dating Colin again. I started drinking all the time and smoking every chance I got. I kept my grades up. I got really close to Noah senior year. We were glued at the hip basically. I got really close to two of my yw leaders. I called them chomamma Miller and chomamma Sorensen. They said they would be my chosen mamas. I was hesitant to let them in because I hate getting close to people. I knew they would end up leaving me.
One night I got really drunk on tequila and I had a severe panic attack on my kitchen floor. Sister Sorensen and Miller showed up ( I'm not sure why ) and sister Sorensen held me on the kitchen floor. I had a flashback of being in the bar and sister Miller said I started hitting and screaming towards sister Sorensen. I was yelling at the man in the bar. I ended up running away to the abandoned house and cutting my hand up really bad on some glass. I don't know how my hands are still working. I started cutting again. Started losing time. Started blacking out. I got depressed. I ended up losing a lot of weight. I still had my friends and I guess I was sort of happy. I still had my problems. I hung out with friends a lot. We went to football games, school dances. I was finally asked to prom ( I had to beg Colin to take me because dancing wasn't his thing ) I tried to fit my whole high school experience into my senior year.
I pushed through and finished school though. Like I had predicted chomamma Miller and chomamma Sorensen became people of the past. They left me just like everyone else. They didn't agree with my choices and continued to say I was the one who left them. Maybe they were right? It's a pattern. I push everyone away. Whether I truly want to or not.
I am a poisonous person. I knew it. But I kept on hurting everyone around me.
I ended up breaking up with colin because he was lazy. He liked sex, so did I. But I didn't want to do it all the time. He didn't finish high school. He didn't have a job. He had no dreams. I wanted to go somewhere and colin was not going to take me there. I got a lot better throughout the summer. I grew up a lot.
I lost a lot of my growing up bonus points when I decided to date Jon in August. I had become friends with almeda and that's a whole long shit story. She ended up setting me up with her brother. At one point I truly loved Jon. Our very first date was to the movies and we saw transformers. He walked 5 feet in front of me the whole time and was super awkward. But… Look at me go. I stuck with him. From the beginning I fell for him hard. I am not sure why. I knew he was immature. I knew it wouldn't last in my heart. But I allowed myself to get close to him anyways. We had only been together for 3 months. We both had ended up moving into my grandma's basement. I started working at wasatch meats and he worked at walmart over nights. Me and Jon started arguing a lot. This is when I randomly showed up in Altered Reality and met Crystal.
We had financial issues as well as him and xbox issues. I ended up asking him to leave my grandmas. I did not want to be with him anymore. In november 2014 I found out I was pregnant. Jon and I had been broken up for about two weeks and I sat long and hard because I didn't want to be with him. I ended up telling him. ( one of the biggest mistakes of my life ) and we both ended up moving into his sister's basement. At exactly 8 weeks pregnant I started getting so sick. I couldn't eat ANYTHING. Things got really hard. most days I Couldn't even make it to the bathroom to throw up. Me and almeda did nothing but fight so I stayed hidden in our room down in the basement.
When my dad moved out of the house he asked if I wanted to rent it. I said yes because i was done living with Jons sister. I couldn't stand it. So we ended up moving into my old house with Gavin and Kymber. I continued getting more and more sick and jon continued being a dick. We always fought about everything. It became an everyday thing. I tried to find jobs from home or call centers where I could be sitting down. At this point I was a walking vomit. I couldn't even drive down the street to almedas for dinner without blowing chunks.
That's when I started working at Young Living. I was hired April 14. I was in training for a couple weeks then ended up on Adrian's team. About a week later Charity took over our team. Jon continued to always yell at me and I continued getting worse. Finally I ended up in the hospital and they decided to put me on home care. I had an IV placed in my hand and 3 times a week a home nurse would come and change it. I text Charity to let her know I would not be in and asked if she'd please check in on my home equipment so I could work from home. From then on out we became best friends. I text Charity about everything all the time. She's the only person I talked to pretty much. She worked so hard to get me my home equipment.
She became my best friend. I was hoping when Aubree was born things with me and Jon would get easier but things only got worse. I was a single parent. Even though I supposedly was dating someone. I was so tired from taking care of Aubree all alone all day he wouldn't even play with her to let me go to the bathroom some days. This aggrivated me. Me and Jon grew further and further apart. Aubree has my heart forever. I will always do anything for her. And I did. I stayed up all night. All day. I did laundry. I made sure she was fed. I bathed her. I got her dressed. I had to force her dad to snuggle and play with her. It broke my heart.
Everyone warned me about Jon but I was too dumb to listen. I didn't feel like I deserved any better than him so I just stayed.
One day Charity text me and said “we have a proposition for you” Charity and Spencer being only my good friends at the time decided to ask if I wanted to "Netflix and Chill" I first thought it was a joke, but then realized they were serious. I got excited. I knew Jon would freak out so I had Charity say she was dared to say it and it was a huge joke. Even though my heart wanted to “Netflix and chill” .
When Jon and I broke up in October I knew I wanted to give their proposition a try. I was SO nervous. But that first night laying in bed snuggling both of them I felt at peace. I felt loved. And I felt wanted. No one had ever made me feel like that before. At the beginning I was under the impression they wanted a three some then wanted to remain just friends. I had no idea I would end up falling in love with either one of them. When things kept moving I realized that maybe we could be a thing. And maybe they actually loved me. I felt so stuck between the two of them and Jon. I wanted to do what was best for Aubree.
At the time I felt maybe giving Jon another chance would work. I really did love him. And I was really hoping things could change between us. I decided telling him about what had happened would be best if we were going to build our relationship. Instantly he forgave me and said things would be ok and he was glad I said somethings but as time went on I believe it made things worse.
Jon took away my best friend. I couldn't see them or talk to them at all.. I died inside. I loved them.. The day I asked if I should stay I was really hoping that Spencer would ask me to. I should have stayed. I never should have left them in October. Those were the longest days of my life. There were so many times I wanted to text them both. So many things I wanted to share with them, with my best friend.. I thought about them every single day. I thought about them all night.
When things continued getting worse I lost faith in Jon. I no longer loved him the way I used to. I knew we weren't going to work out. I knew he was not the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. He was not the kind of person I wanted raising my daughter. He wouldn't grow up. He couldn't do it for me. He wouldn't even do it for his daughter.
One day he ended up packing his things and leaving. This time I wouldn't let him back. He would have never left me in the first place if he truly wanted to work things out. Charity and Spencer taught me something very important. You don't give up on the people you love.
A few weeks later I ended up moving back in with charity and Spencer. I instantly felt relief. Here we are 6 months later and it was the best choice I ever made.
From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.
You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.
But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed
your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.
One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.
One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.
The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.
So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.
Losing you hurt like hell. It still occasionally hurts. At the time I had felt like I lost myself, and the more I thought about it, the more I found that it was true.
I loved you so hard and so much. I loved you with everything my heart and my body and my soul had to offer.
After you broke me and the damage had been done, I realized I didn’t recognize any of the broken pieces of myself scattered on the floor.
I wasn’t this girl. I wasn’t the girl who cried herself to sleep, the girl who called a guy hoping he would pick up, the girl who was okay with being an option, and I sure as hell wasn’t the girl who waited around for a guy to make up his mind. Yet, here I was. After two years I found myself still waiting for you.
There’s so many times that I would tear myself to pieces, analyzing every conversation, wondering what I could have done differently. I always blamed myself.
I did this to myself for months, knowing that you weren’t losing any sleep over any of it. I found myself putting on your t-shirts, because even just the smallest piece of you brought me comfort.
Everyone warned me about you. I wouldn't listen because I wanted to love you. I wanted things to work. I wanted to be a family.
It didn’t exactly happen overnight, but I just remember waking up one morning and thinking why am I letting him do this to me?
That was the day I realized how much of myself I had given up, and how much I had changed to fit what your idea of perfect was. I was never good enough for you.
So I left.
I started to do the things I loved again, never even realizing that I had given them up in the first place.
I started going out with my friends, going outdoors, and experiencing everything and anything I could. I listened to the Country music that I loved but you always hated. I drove with the windows down, and sang my heart out, realizing that I could get through this.
Slowly but surely, I began to recognize myself. What was even more beautiful about it, was that this new me was an even better me than before you.
I found that my heart began to no longer skip a beat when my phone went off, hoping it was you.
I stopped caring about what you would post on social media. I stopped caring about what you had to say to me, altogether. And how empowered I felt, when I found myself packing up your things in a box and sending them back to you because I didn’t need them anymore.
Honestly after everything you put me through, and after this roller coaster of emotions, it really is you that I feel sorry for.
You really missed out; I could have given you everything. I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore because I know that you couldn’t give me what I needed, and I deserve every ounce of love and effort that I give.
They give me that love. They show me that effort. The way no one else has given me before.
Yes, There are times when I replay memories of us in my mind and I find myself smiling and I start to miss you. Well, at least the thought of you.
I’m grateful for that because I will always look back on things I shared with you and have no regrets. I did once love you, and although things didn’t work out like I hoped they would have, you were still the first person I fell in love with. You are the father of my child.
I have finally found people who do that for me in return. They love me endlessly. They give me everything I need. I am a priority. It's amazing the difference you feel about yourself when you know you're not just an option.
Im sorry it took you this long to realize you are ready to love me. But how sad it must be for you, to see that I found someone who was ready from the beginning.