I told my sin to You. I did not hide my wrong-doings. I said, “I will tell my sins to the Lord.” And You forgave me my sin and took the guilt of my sin from me.

Psalm 32:5


See I forgave myself and I turned away from the past and my sin.

I declared my freedom loud, clear and infront of witnesses.

Now I see my true worth. I am worthy of His love.

His love did not come 'cause of my actions

But my actions blinded me to see it. To see that in His eyes I am worthy.

Worthy of His love

of righteousness

of forgivness

of freedom

All I had to do was to choose and decide: All in or walk away?

It's all in. I forgive myself. I let go. I let Him decide from now on.


I raise my head with The crown back on my head again.

The crown of a daughter to the most high, mighty and awesome Father, Lord and King - To GOD!



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He makes everything new
His love for me is everlasting
He is forever faithful
His arms are my safe haven

Off this I'm sure

If I'm worthy of it all...

Still not totally convinced

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My light started shining and everything started to sparkle again.
Then a light came by and swept away my sparkle.
Others got sparkled.

Encouraged and lifted
I was demolished and made weak.
The words you meant to strengthen me with only reminded me of my weakness and my faults.
Of my imperfection and all I'm not.

You didn't think that would be my reaction.
But so it was.

One night of agony starts.
One night of tears.
After a day of joy.
A day of peace.

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Time

It's never enough, I always need more.

More time for work

More time for my friends

More time on household chores

More time to finish things

More time to build my faith

More time to act on my faith

Always this need for more time...

Depression is stealing my time. Self pity is stealing my time. Negative thoughts is stealing my time...

I let all these thieves in. Why? Because I made them my friends.

God, help me break with these friends. God, help me be friends with joy, peace, positive thoughts.

Change my focus

I can't change my past time

But I can decide how my future time will be spend.

God help me spend it right, in a way that prosper me and builds me up instead of breaking me apart into pieces.


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We soar and we fly.

For a moment everything is perfect.

We are over and not under.

Head and not tail.

But then we’re struckt.

The plans we had didn’t workout or that thought just wouldn’t go away.

We fall.

We do the things we said we wouldn’t do ever again.

Indifferent, realisation, anger, shame, tears

The steps we always go through

We hurt ourselves and close everyone out.

'Cause it’s the best way

not to hurt them?

We hurt them, by not trusting them

Trust

We don’t trust in ourselves

How can we then trust in you

We don’t have trust to give

Give

We can’t give anything than brokenness

Shattered pieces

We try and try to put them back

Who would want our shattered pieces?

You fix it but we break it again

You must be tired of us

We only take and give half of what you deserve

Our mind screams ”they’re better of without you”

”Shut them out, shut everyone out”

”You don’t deserve anything of what you have ”

”Worthless”

We find a distraction

Something fun that makes us laugh for one hour.

The hour pass and reality strikes in.

What am I doing?

Why did I take that road?

Can I please go back and try again?

Have I really wasted this day on doing that crap?

Why?

I didn’t want it… I don’t want it. It’s not me. I’m not like that

Who was I again? What was real and which thought is a lie?

My head just hurt by the stormy thoughts and my heart

It screams

Help!


I know who helps

I know who I should run to

It’s so hard

I did wrong, I disappointed Him again

That’s how it feels.

”Not worthy”

He says I am - He died for me when I still was a sinner

”No more chances, you’re out”

He says - I will never leave you, even if everyone else does

”You’re disgusting and filthy”

He washes me clean by the power of His blood.

”Why would He? Again? Don’t you think His done with you falling?

He said forgive them not seven times but seventy-seven times.

”Why”

He is grace

He is mercy

He is I am

He is my GOD

”I’m still here”

Maybe, but He says: Beloved I love you, you are precious to me. Don’t listen to the lies. By my blood you ARE free!


Then why do I fall again, and again, why is it so hard?

What am I missing?

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Do you ever feel locked up, like the real you can’t come through?

That you’re stuck and confused by the madness circling around you?

Your sin is like a rubber band, you'll think you're free but than it pulse you back in again.

The more you stretch away from it the harder you fall back into it.

How do I break free from my rubber band? If only I knew how to take it off. I know I just have to clip it of from me - I sometimes imagine myself, my hands reaching for the clip and letting myself free from it….But in only a few seconds the rubber band comes like a snake and clips itself on to me again.

I’m loosing grip of the world I love. I’m not doing the things I love, instead I choose to do the things I hate.

Everything good is blackened by negativity and hardship. I cant imagine doing what I love without feeling tired and drained of power… so I don't do it.

Some days are good. I push away the dark clouds by not looking at them and I’m able to work, cherish my relationships and smile. I can even go to bed smiling and looking forward for the day to come. But then it’s morning and the darkness is howling over me demanding my attention. SEE ME, HEAR ME…. And the struggle between good and evil in my mind … No, rather the war, starts. It’s tiring and draining, all I want to do is sleep…. In that way I don't have to think about it.

I can manage a week, but usually it ends because a trivial thing as ”what should I eat?”. Two options can become to much. Or I’m disappointing myself cause I couldn’t or didn't do what I had planned that day. Sometimes it’s because of me, and sometimes it’s other people who change their plan with me. But how could they know? And how can they stand accused because of my expectations on them? That’s not fair and so I cant blame them so I blame myself.

I accuse myself for the disappointment and start punishing ”me”, because it is my fault. I’m the one doing, thinking, feeling, seeing, saying the wrong things. I’m the one choosing to be this way, I am the one putting the clip back on. I am the one not letting myself free….

The thing I never clearly understand is why? Why won’t I let myself be free? Why won’t I let myself be happy and enjoy the life God gave me and the calling He want’s me to walk in?

Do I want to be a crazy, mad girl? One part thinks it’s yes and it’s growing bigger than the part of me who says no - no this is not me, I’m not this person… How I wish I could listen more to you. How I wish I had something inside me that would make me choose life instead of passiveness.


A dream is a wish your heart makes… That’s my one and only dream - that I will live. Truly live.


I scream into the night, where are you, where are you ? The person I once was. But no matter how high I scream I can't find me.

I crawl back into madness and I shut the world out.

Knowing all this- will people still love? Can they love me when they don’t understand me?

In the end, I’m all alone

I only have God… He loves me, but I sometimes wonder, as a father, is He tired of me? How many chances to I get?

God,ain’t you tired of me? Me and my selfish ways?

’Cause I’m damned tired of it.

I know what I should do, what’s good for me. I just don't have the energy for it. And if I’m just gonna fall back, then screw it - is it really worth trying?

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