I’ve done some pretty fucked-up shit in my life… And it’s time that I take fullresponsibility for it and apologize for what I’ve put people through. I knowthat my friends and family most likely isn’t going to read this.. And to beperfectly honest, I don’t want them to. There’s a lot of shit they don’t knowabout me, and I’d prefer them not finding out, at least not like this. But Ihave to get this of my chest one way or another, and I know that if I’ll eventry speaking these words, my voice will break and my tears will fall. So I’mdoing it this way…

My friends and my sisters

I want toapologize for all the times I’ve lied to you. You ask me how I am, and all Ican do is lie, because I don’t want you to know how fucked up my head reallyis. But things have happened, and you know a good part of it now. I neverplanned to tell you about my depression and anxiety, because I was tooembarrassed. But when we were at that party last summer, and I got my firstreally bad panic attack, and ran away, I knew that there was no way I could keepit a secret anymore. So I told you, about the anxiety, the depression, and thepills. But I felt like I had shared enough, and I stopped there. I had so muchmore to tell you, but I couldn't. So, I’m sorry for lying, I’m sorry for not beingfully and completely honest, I’m sorry because I can’t trust you as much as Iwant to, I’m sorry for all the times I’ve scared you by disappearing, I’m sorrybecause I’m fucked up…

My parents

I feel like Ishould apologize to you because I never told you. I never told you when itfirst started when I was 13. Instead, I just started isolating myself from you,and from everyone. I’m sorry that I haven’t told you in the last 4 years, whenI’ve been struggling with it. I apologize for not trusting you. I apologize forknowing that you wouldn’t be able to help me. I apologize for all the times I’velied to you, pretending nothing was wrong, pretending I was sick so I couldstay home from school, pretending I was hanging out with friends when I wassmoking and cutting myself. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the child you lost atbirth, but I want you to know that if I could, I wouldn’t hesitate to switchwith my brother, the brother I lost, the brother who’s gone. I’m sorry that he’sdead, and that I’m alive. I’m sorry you had to keep me. I’m sorry that I'm still breathing, when I know you would rather want him…

People in general

I also needto apologize to every person I’ve ever met or talked to. I know that I come offas a real bitch, and I guess in a way, I am. But there is reasons why I amthe way I am. I’ve been hurt so many times by friends and strangers, that Ibecame mean to protect myself from getting hurt again. But I know that I alsohurt people. I say mean things, as jokes or not, but I know that I can go overboardsometimes. And I apologize for that. I apologize for telling strangers about myproblems, when I know that they don’t care. I’m sorry for sending peoplepictures of me crying, when I know that all I do is bother them. And I truly amsorry for sending people pictures of blood running down my arms, because I knowit’s the stupidest, most fucked-up thing I could do. So to everyone I’ve everdone these things to, I’m sorry. I never meant to do it, I never meant to showyou how fucked up I am, when I try so hard to hide it in my everyday life. I sincerelyapologize for everything I’ve ever done…

So this is me, apologizing to everyone I hurt while I was hurting… I never meantto become the person I am now, I never meant to turn out this fucked up. I dotry, I try to change, and I try to go back to being the person I used to be.But I got lost, and the way back is gone now. I can barely even remember who Iused to be, and every day the memory gets a little more distant. It’s too lateto go back, even if that’s all I want to do. So I apologize for not beingstrong enough to suppress my demons, I apologize for being sick, and Iapologize for being who I am…

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People always ask self harmers why they hurt themselves. But it’s impossible tounderstand if you haven’t been there yourself. I didn’t understand it either,until I started cutting. The emotional relief you feel when you drag the bladeacross your skin. The control you feel like you have over your pain, when theblood starts running. It feels truly amazing, and like the best thing you couldpossibly imagine.

When I first started self-harming, it was the only thing that kept me going. I keptthe knife with me at all times, and I felt the panic in my head if I realized Ididn’t have it. At my worst periods, I cut myself every day, and made between30-50 cuts down my wrists or tights. But after a while, the darkness lifted alittle, and I took a break. I didn’t feel like I had to, so I didn’t. But itdidn’t take more than a couple of days before my demons came back, and Istarted missing it. So I cut again. And the same amazing feeling flushed throughmy body.

The self-harming came and went in periods, and some of them was longer than others.Before Christmas 2015, the longest period I had been clean for was 14 days. Andthat was really good, and I was kinda proud of myself. But at the same time, Ifelt ashamed because I hadn’t cut in a while. So even if I didn’t necessarilywant to, I did, because I was too embarrassed that I hadn’t. That’s when I knew Iwas addicted to the pain, and the relief…

In the beginning of 2016, my life was going okay. I was on one of my highs, and Ifelt great, compared to how I usually feel. But then I got some bad news, andmy world fell apart. For three days after that, all I did was cry, take a lotof pills, drink alcohol and cut myself. I literally didn’t even sleep for threedays, and I barely ate. It was hard for me to find the will not to press theknife deep into my wrist and bleed to death, overdose on the pills or drinkmyself to death. But the though of one of my family members finding me dead in myroom, kept me from killing myself. So I did what I had to, to get through thepain.

After a few weeks, I got over the pain, and all I could feel was numb. I couldn’teven cry about it anymore. It took a little while, and again I got high onlife. I don’t even remember what happened, but somehow, I managed to stay cleanfrom self-harm for 42 days. That’s the longest I have ever been clean, and Ihave no idea how I did it…

I realized a while ago how stupid I was when I started cutting. I never thoughtit would be that big of a mistake, and I never realized how hard it would be tostop. I don’t know how many times I have cut, but I know it’s somewhere between700-800 times. I have scars on top of scars, and I’m so grateful some ofthem have faded into almost nothing. But some places it’s still really easy tosee, and you have to be very stupid not to figure out how I got them.

The worst part is that I’m never going to be able to feel comfortable in my ownskin. I’m not going to be able to wear short sleeves, or shorts in public,because I’m embarrassed, and I don’t want people to see my scars and cuts. I don’twant people to know that I’m the girl that self-harms, that I’m too weak todeal with my problems.

So this is me telling you, the ones who think about doing it, DON'T startself-harming. I know it may seem like it’s worth it, but it’s not. It’s goingto ruin your confidence for the rest of your life. You’re always going to betrying to hide your scars, to cover up your past. I’m not going to lie. Thefeeling of the pain you get from it, the emotional relief, is amazing. Itreally is. But it’s not worth it in the end. It really, truly, honestly isn’t.




I know you are in pain. I know that you feel allalone, and like the world is about to end. I know that it is really hard foryou to get up in the mornings and go to school. It has been a couple of yearssince your life-long friends threw you away like you were apiece of garbage, and you know have a new bestfriend now. I know that it feels likeshe is the best thing that has ever happened to you, but she is just the sameas everyone else. She is going to stab you in the back, and spread rumoursabout you. She is going to make you feel like shit, and that is not okay.

But you alsoneed to know that soon, there is going to come some new people into your life. Thereis going to be both ups and downs with these people. One of them is going todislike you because you are different. Another is going to lie to you abouteverything and nothing. But the third one, she is going to be the best thingthat could happen to you now. She is going to be one of the few reasons why youkeep going.

I know thatthings suck right now, and I am not going to lie to you.. It is going to getworse... A lot worse. You are going to do things you never thought you weregoing to do. You are going to turn into the girl you have always been afraid tobecome. And it is going to hurt. The next few years are going to be awful. Youare going to face a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes it is even going to goso well, that you think you are good again. But don’t get too high expectations,because your demons are not going away that easily. They always come back after alittle while, and every time they do, it is going to destroy you a little bitmore.

I know thatyou think that the drugs you taking is helping you, because they make you feela little bit better for awhile. But you should not take them, because in ayear, you are going to be addicted. It is going to become a serious problem,and you are not going to get out of it alone. I know that you love the factthat they make you feel less emotions, but the longer you keep going, the worsethe addiction is going to get. And even in two years, you will still be dealing with it.

In the summerof 2015, you are going to get to a point where the pills no longer feel likeenough. You are going to get a new hobby, a new bestfriend. Something that isalways going to be there for you when you need it, and take away the pain youfeel inside. This new bestfriend is also going to be your worst enemy. It isgoing to be the worst thing you have ever done to yourself, and the hardestthing you will have to go through. The blade is going to become a huge part ofyour life, and you are going to use it a lot. The first times, it will be thebest thing you have ever felt, and it is going to be exactly the relief youhave been looking for, for so long. Seeing the blood running down your skin,and knowing that you are in control of your own pain, is going to be the mostamazing feeling you have ever felt.

But you haveto remember that it is not true that time heals all wounds. You are going to bereminded of your problems and your past every time you look at your arms andlegs. You are always going to be wearing long sleeves, no matter how warm itgets, and you are always going to be scared that someone will see the scars on your body.

You havealready come to a point in your life when you find yourself lying to the peopleyou care about, to protect them from the truth. The truth about who you are,and what you have become. It is going to become a bad habit of yours to lieabout how you feel. You are going to fake being sick A LOT, because you cannothandle the thought of facing people or being social. Your anxiety is going toslowly suffocate you, and you are going to have a lot of panic attacks. It isgoing to be some of the scariest things you have ever experienced in thebeginning, before you understand what is happening. But just relax and focus onbreathing. It cannot hurt you, and it will be over in a while.

You havealready tried ending all of your pain twice, and you will try again. You willget to a point in your life soon, when you realize that you are not scared todie, because deep inside, that is everything you want. Your thoughts are goingto make you feel bad and sick, and there are going to be a lot of nights withdark thoughts. You are going to cry yourself to sleep a lot, but you are already familiar with that feeling. But soon, you are going to hit a period where you will cryyourself to sleep every night, until one night you will finally run out oftears to cry, and all you feel is numb.

You are goingto have to deal with a lot of shit. You are going to go through periods ofparanoia, you will see things and hear things. You are also going to face differenteating disorders, like anorexia and bulimia. It is going to get really hard athome, and I know that you are going to feel like everything is your fault. Butit is not always your fault. I mean, yeah, you need to learn to shut upsometimes, but other times you are not the reason for the fighting, even if everyone tells youthat you are.

Sometimes,you are even going to get high on life. And when you do, enjoy it. Make thebest out of those moments, because they are not going to last forever. Theyusually just last for a couple of days, if you are lucky. Sometimes just for acouple of minutes. So appreciate those moments, because they are what keeps yougoing. The thought of always feeling that way, always being happy. Just keepholding on, and stay strong. Work for the life that you want to have. I knowthat you do not think that you deserve it, or that you deserve to be happy, but you do. Everyone does...

I knowthat writing this now does not really make that much sense, because nothing haschanged really. But this is where I am going to start making the changes. Thisis where I am going to turn my life around. No more drugs, no more blades.Recovery starts for real now…