Megan's Thoughts

JESUS CHRIST, I HAD THE WORST DREAM EVER.

It was so creepy and even though you guys don't care, I'm going to tell you anyways.

So, I don't actually remember the whole thing but I do remember being in a woodsy cabin with P. We kept getting strange mail and for some reason, I was the only one freaking out about it. But then again, that actually does sound like our relationship.

Suddenly, I'm in bed and Philip is sound asleep next to me. I'm staring at the door and a hooded figure in black comes in slowly. It's the weirdest thing because I felt truly paralyzed in my dream. Like, I truly felt that I couldn't scream or say anything.

I pull my body up and try shaking Philip but I can't. The hooded figure saunters towards me slowly and I'm trying to scream but all I can do is hyperventilate. Then, I fall face-forward but I'm suddenly looking up at it and it takes off its hood.

It's a blonde woman (maybe in her forties) with black eyes! Kind of like that American Horror story poster where there is absolutely no white in her eyes.

I woke up as she was leaning towards me. I was sweating so much which hasn't happened to me in a long while. I usually don't have such vivid dreams but this one has me shook.

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Megan's Thoughts

I'm back, I'm back!

It's weird to be back in Stockholm. Philip and I took the train yesterday and got in at around 4:30 PM. We usually walk home from T-Centralen because we live so close but we had too much luggage and it was raining so we took a cab.

I love moments like that. Whenever I travel or revisit a city I felt was my own, I gaze at the architecture and people with childlike wonder. I usually get that feeling of "Wow! I'm home! I'm back!" but I didn't feel it this time. As the taxi made it's way to Östermalm, I got a sinking feeling in my stomach. Why wasn't I ecstatic?

I think I really need to go home soon. I mean, it's all so strange how I did this. I moved to Stockholm without a second thought and I feel really guilty. I feel like I have once again abandoned my family. It didn't matter to me when I was 15 but it does now.

I have to wait a little bit longer before I go home. I need to work more.

Maybe I've just got the winter blues. I'm dreaming of Florida's humidity.

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Hey y'all.

This week has flown by. Sadly, I will have to leave the countryside soon and return to Stockholm.

I really love Båstad. Being here has made me think a lot about the future. I can easily picture myself walking along Köpmansgatan with a child on my hip and Philip walking Skorpan next to me.

It's weird to think of me being pregnant one day in the near future but it's also very natural. Philip and I talk about it all the time. We've decided to wait a couple more years so we can travel and be more stable in our careers when our little peanut comes out. You know what's cute, though? We've decided on very Swedish names for our future bebis. "Elin Elizabeth Kennedy-Widmark" for a little girl and "Philip Erik Kennedy-Widmark" for the boy. Although, I really like the names "Axel" and "Sven".

I feel so young and so old at the same time. I had a little panic moment the other day when I realized that I am turning 22 in three months. Philip laughed out loud when I told him. He reassured me that I'm still very young and I won't be "old" for a long time.

I don't mind being my age or being married so young. It's kind of the same as just having a boyfriend you live with and I've already done that a couple times. Also, at least he can't just randomly break up with me lol. He would have to divorce my cute ass and trust me, I would not make that easy. SHOUTOUT TO GROWING UP WITH LAWYERS.


We saw Assassin's Creed last night and I feel very indifferent.

Second row, 3D. By the way, how weird is it that Swede's reserve seats in movie theaters? Like, it's very important.

I think the main problem with the film was that they were way too focused on the graphics and effects. Which were DOPE! But still, I didn't understand any of the details!

I think you really need to have a thorough knowledge of the game or have played it. Like, was he alive in Madrid? Was that an alternate universe? If and when they found the apple, would it only control people who are likely to grow up to be assassins or would it control everyone? Why is Sofia's dad such a dick?



I put a temporary pink tint in my hair a couple days ago and I fell in love. It's so faint and rosy and cute.

I'm thinking about doing a more strawberry blonde look. What do you guys think?


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Megan's Thoughts

I recently received a comment that really made me think. In short, the reader was stating that she loved my blog before and that she feels it has become "vanilla".

And, I get it. I really do.

The thing is, I'm writing from a different perspective now. Then, I was in a brand new relationship and writing about my past. I had gotten off to a really exciting start. I wrote very explicitly about my past drug use, sex life, party-girl ways and that's really fun to read about.

But it's changed and I guess that sucks for my readers.

I feel like I used to write from a more immature and "I don't give a flying fuck what you think of me" standpoint. I was 19 and living alone. I had a really crazy life. But I'm almost 22 and things have changed. I'm married and I live in Sweden.

I can 1000% understand that my writing has become a bit more dull lately. But it's just life. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I feel like I need to be more serious during this time so I can get everything together.

I know what I want to do and I'm heading in that direction, slowly but surely. Also, when it comes to my writing, I want to start incorporating more essays and think-pieces. I will still write about myself and things like that but it's probably not going to be the party girl my old readers fell in love with.

I mean, that's life! It goes up-and-down! Sometimes it is crazy and exciting and sometimes it's more uneventful. My audience will change with it and that's OK, too.

All I know is that I'm going to keep writing and just see where life takes me.

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Megan's Thoughts

UGH!

UGGGHHHHHH!!!!

UGHIGFHILHLG!

Okay, I'm about to snap. Sweden is an amazing country and it's filled with so much rich history and fantastic people. Really, it is.

But for some reason, I have found that people are a little...misleading.

Remember all of the amazing opportunities I wrote about in late-November and early-December? Yeah, jobs and blogging work and so much GOOD.

About half of that has just not come through. And it's extremely frustrating.

For example, one company I was working very closely with kept telling me they "had big plans for me" and would "set up a meeting". I recently found out THROUGH MY HUSBAND that the company decided to go another way and would not be working with me.

I'm not angry at the fact that they decided to go another route. That happens ALL THE TIME to bloggers/influencers/models/actors/etc. I'm used to it and I have been dealing with it for 6 years.

It's the fact that they didn't tell me. Instead, I found out because Philip ran into one of the guys who works for that company.

Another time, I was told that I was on "strong option" for a job in late-December. "Strong Option" basically means that you 85% have the job. You can be on "option" which is less of a guarantee but "strong option" is what you are as they finish up the paperwork and get the last minute details together. Every time I have been on "strong option", I have gotten the job.

Anyways, the casting director pretty much made it seem like I had gotten the job. Keep in mind, I am fine with rejection and I'm used to it but that's just not the vibe she gave off. In the days leading up to the shoot, there were no changes or "oh, sorry, we decided to do something different in the days leading up...". I reached out to get the details and recieved nothing. She ghosted me.

I finally confronted some of my Swedish friends about it.

"Ooooh, yeah. Swedish people are really scared of confrontation and will avoid it at all costs. I know it can be frustrating but they're not trying to be mean. That's just how Swedes are.", said a friend from work.

I furrowed my brows.

"But, how do you even get anything done or?..."

She went on to further explain that because I'm American and more aggressive that it's even scarier. I should just accept and expect this behavior.

BUT THAT'S CRAZY!

I don't understand and I hate that Americans are perceived this way. Sure, we are a little more pushy and "out there" but that's how we are trained. That's how we get shit done. It doesn't mean we are belligerent and will go crazy on you if you tell us "no".

I guess my bottom line is that I love Swedes but I wish they were more upfront. How do I deal with this?

THOUGHTS? ADVICE?



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Life in Stockholm

I'm alone in Båstad and it's snowing. I have virtually nothing to do besides drink, write, and watch movies.

I want to write about film and TV more so I've been glued to Netflix. In the past 48 hours I have watched The Loft, Clueless, John Tucker Must Die, Cast Away, Entourage, Nymphomaniac, 13 Going on 30, and finally, Midnight in Paris. I feel like I'm about to reach the end of Netflix where there are only straight-to-DVDs and "independent" films.

Philip left for Stockholm yesterday to grab our mail, more clothes, and my camera. When we came down here, we didn't think that we would be here for more than a couple days but decided to stay after falling in love with the peace and quiet. Philip's work can be done online and over the phone so there is no real rush to get back.

Anyways, I need to hear from you guys. I want to write some fun things but I need something. Tell me what you want to hear?

You guys are my biggest inspiration.

Also, would you guys like to see another video of Philip? :)

xx,

Megan

P.S: IF you want to write an anonymous comment, you can do that on here. Just make up a fake email and fake name. It can literally be m@gmail.com or something.

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Life in Stockholm

I never want to go back to Stockholm.

It's been almost 8 days since we came here and I've completely immersed myself in the countryside life. I spend my days wearing grandfather sweaters and baking cookies. It's heaven.

I never thought I would like this kind of life. For such a long time, I have been running from Florida so I wouldn't end up like my parents living in boring old Jupiter and West Palm Beach. Turns out, I wasn't really running from those cities because they were "boring". I was running from the isolation and loneliness that consumed me there.

I never felt normal there. Even when I went to Cardinal Newman and made friends with the social kids and went to parties and football games. It never really sat well with me. I needed more. So, I left and barely came back for a couple years.

Before I met Philip and was still together with B, I started to feel that itch again. I guess my older readers could've guessed it with how frequently I was going to New York. I was looking for any out of Florida that I could find. However, after we broke up, I stopped looking for my out. I decided that I would find myself a little more.

Then, I met Philip. He was everything I had been looking for: adventurous, crazy, funny, smart, good-looking. After our first date (and first time having sex), I chalked it up to a one night stand as he was Swedish and lived in Stockholm. Two weeks into being together, he told me he loved me and asked me to marry him and move to Stockholm.

It's so weird how life works. Now, after almost a year together, I am sitting in his parents' countryside house and tapping away on my computer. Skorpan, our dog, is sitting at my feet while Philip is drinking coffee and scrolling away on his computer.

My adventure turned out to be love. As cheesy as that sounds. I don't need a bustling city or a crazy life to be happy. I'm perfectly content right now.

xx,

Megan

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Monday Mood Music

BRUUUUH,

I remember watching Noah Cyrus makings little cameos on Hannah Montana when I was young. She was a cute kid but not the typical "Disney-cute".

Years later, she made headlines with Miley when Miley took her out clubbing in Europe. I winced before remembering that I, too, used to drink with my sister when I was fourteen-fifteen years old. Aww.

BUT NOW, this girl is putting it down in the studio.

I came across a promo video from Sony Music Sweden while scrolling through my Facebook feed. Immediately, I heard a sensual and raspy voice singing, "Couldn't hear the thunder but I heard your heart race..."

I was shocked to see that voice belonged to Baby Cyrus! It's so good and UGH, I had to share it! I know I usually reserve Monday's for music but this is too good to ignore.

Listen, listen, listen!

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Monday Mood Music

I've been watching a lot of Netflix lately. And when I say "watching" I mean that I've been finishing TV shows within a day or so.

I decided to give "The OA" a try and it became weirdly addictive. It's a Stranger Things vibe with alternate universes, nosebleeds, and channeling energies. However, I would say that it's slightly more graphic and better suited for adults.

Anyways, it has some pretty bitchin' music like this moody ballad.


Cause we're going downtown

And we feel like running around

Is it really this fun when you're on my mind

Is it really this cool to be in your life?

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Sex & Love

Helloooo 2017!

I want to start this post out by apologizing for my lack of writing in December. It was such a weird month and I didn't feel like I was getting anything out of blogging. But I'm back!

I'm writing this on the 22nd of December because this post has to do with a major life event I had a couple days ago: I got on birth control!

The thought of birth control always freaked me out. I had heard so many horror stories about gaining a lot of weight, messing with your hormones, infections, etc. However, after a pregnancy scare, P and I had a long talk and decided that we wanted to wait a few more years before we have children.

Thus, on December 20th, P and I headed to Mamma Mia Gynekolog. I had been referred there by a friend and couldn't get over the name.

Mamma mia, it'sa vagina doctor!

We sat in the in the waiting room and I fiddled with my thumbs. I wasn't really sure what to expect. Was she going to examine my vagina and say, "Aha! This is the perfect birth control for you and your vagina!" and just do the thing right then and there? Or was it a whole surgery? I began sweating.

After about 20 minutes, our number was called and we entered the doctor's office. I had asked P to join me so there was absolutely no miscommunication between me and the gyno.

We exchanged hello's and other pleasantries for a minute or so before getting down to business: I informed her that I wanted to get on birth control ASAP and this would be my first time going on it. Immediately, she pulled out what looked like a plastic rod with twine wrapped around it. This was the "spiral" I had heard so much about.

She explained that this was one of the most popular options for birth control. The IUD ( AKA the proper name for Mcdonald's toy she held in front of me) would be placed inside of my uterus and could protect me from pregnancy for 3-5 years. I took it in my hand and pinched it. So weird.


"What about the thing that can go into my arm?", I asked, still toying with the spiral. My step mom had advised me against using the spiral due to how easy it is to get an infection.

The gynecologist began explaining the BC Implant, also known as Nexplanon. Similar to the IUD, the Implant is a plastic rod that releases hormones into my body to protect me from pregnancy for 3 years.

That had seemed like the simplest option for me but as I sat there staring at these devices, I panicked. I wasn't ready for that. I wanted to just start off simple. I mean, the average girl who goes on birth control is sixteen or so. It seemed more rational to start off with pills.

"What about the pills?"

With that, I had two options: Cerazette (mini-pills) or another one that I forgot the name of. The mini pills were to be taken every day at the exact same time while the other pills were to be taken in a "stop-and-go" kind of method. Both pills had side effects such as weight gain, change in temperament, nausea, just usual shit girls have to go through once a month anyways. In the end, I chose the Cerazette because it seemed to be the simplest and best "starter BC".

JANUARY 1 UPDATE: So far, the only side effects I have are larger breasts and a bloated face. I have started my normal period with the same bleeding, not too much and not too little. I'm not too bothered by my breasts getting bigger but I don't want them to get any bigger than they are now. But it would be amazing if my face decided to deflate a little ;)

xx,

Megan

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