If I was asked to describe this day with one word, it would be "chaos." We're in the middle of moving, everything is everywhere, including my mind. It feels good that I at least have the ability to control food. Yesterday went as expected, I just had the vegetable juice. I've lost 1.2 kg in the last two days, and I feel amazing! My stomach is not bloated, and I feel relatively fine (only lack of energy at night). It's just almost 6 pm and I've had a cup of, two cups of coffee and a glass of vegetable juice. The day starts early tomorrow since the moving company starts at 8, which means I will probably have to wake up at 6. I don't mind to be completely honest because my parents will be too distracted to realize I'm not eating. We will live in a hotel during the move, with breakfast... I've looked it up online and it seems like they have a lot of fresh fruit and even beet juice, which is a relief. I doubt they have a scale there, but if they do, I will update you if I've lost any weight.

-Jean

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Today has been a good day for me. I woke up in a good mood with the determination to stay on a path that would lead me to my September goal. Today, I've had a cup of tea, and a cup of coffee (no sugar added, and no milk since I'm vegan). It's currently 2:40 pm, so I'm planning to have a vegetable-juice later today to get some nutrients. Maybe I should consume more food than that for the day, but to tell you the truth, I don't think I will.
I feel so happy today. I don't want to go in too much detail about it since it is a big part of my personal life, but I wanted to let you know that I feel nothing but happiness at the moment. It's a good feeling after feeling next to nothing in the past few months. The only thing bringing me down at the moment is the absence of my best friend, who I won't see until Christmas. Even though we keep in touch every day I miss her a lot. But the days go by fast and sooner or later Christmas will be here.

-Jean

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For someone who's been struggling with food for many years, the idea of documenting my journey in the form of a blog finally caught up with me. So here I am; to you, I will be Jean. I'm 18 years old, and I have just graduated High School. Still, I never live life to the fullest and I can never feel happy about myself unless I'm thin. When and how it all started? It was so long ago I hardly remember. But I know the present, and I know the feeling of not being enough unless I starve.
Back somewhere in my head I know it's not normal to feel this way. But that realization can't overcome the disgust I feel every day caused by food. I hate food, and I love food, and I hate it and I hate myself for feeling this way. But this is who I am. I love being in control.

I'm currently setting up a weight-loss plan for September, for an event I might tell you about in another post. This event will be a chance to meet people I haven't seen in years, and more importantly, prove to them that I am beautiful. I have it all planned in my head, how I will wear the pastel pink dress I bought myself years ago when I was three sizes smaller than now, with blonde curls and the expensive heels I got for graduation. I imagine the look on the people's faces when they see my for the first time in so many years, holding their breaths as I enter the room.

My plan is to lose 15 kgs in two months, meaning I would need to lose 1.875 kg per week in order to achieve my goal. My biggest fear is that I might not have access to a scale until September, which makes me worried I won't be able to know my weight until right before the event. I will do my best to track my weight loss by taking measurements, as well count my calorie intake.

-Jean


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