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I have this demon inside me that I am batteling with everyday. For the past few months I have been feeling like complete and utter shit! I am lost within my own thoughts and so far in them, that I am drowning. I don't know what to do. It's one thing when your problems come from the outside world, but it's COMPLETELY DIFFERENT when you are your own problem. And everything around you reminds you of that everyday. I barely talk to Sandra anymore, and I am loosing connection with my entire class. I went through some (I'm not going to call it deppression, but as close to that as possible) rough shit.(personal problems)  And becouse of that I COMPLETELY isolated myself from my friends. And in that time, they all kindof forgot about me. And now I don't think it's my place to try and repare that great friendship that I had with Sandra, because I don't want to be in the way. At the end of the day if she is happy, then why would I want to ruin that. Even if that means that I'm not a part of her hapiness. So with that said, I have absolutley no friends in my class. I have Nadja and Johan. And a few friends on the side that I meet from time to time but not so close to. And my friendship with Johan is falling apart, (I'll write about it later) so that's a goner. But that's not the part that bothers me the most. It's the way I look at myself. That's what really gets to me. I feel like I am a fucking mistake that makes everyones life miserable. And thats why there are fewer and fewer people that can even stand to be around me. I want to kill myself but I can't. Because I realized that noone really loves me. I realized that people have put time and energy into me to become this great person, that will benefit them in many different ways, but that I am not, so I honestly don't think I have the right to end my life. They don't deserve to be treated that way.

Because the only thing worse than living, is killing yourself.

So I came to the conclusion, that I don't want to kill myself. I just wish I was never born.

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So we had this assignment in school to debate with another group about our Swedish language. One group was for keeping our Swedish language the way it is, and the other group was for letting the English language influence us much more then now. (maybe even changing it completely, but I'm not sure.... not that important..)

So there were some good arguments, nothing really that stood out. Except for Anne-Sophie, who, at the end of the debate, stood up and said, that for the record she has Norwegian blood in her and heritage, and how she is SO proud for knowing the Norwegian languege and proud to represent her country and culture. Even if she was born in Sweden and knows the Swedish language better than Norwegian, she still wants to represent her country.

Which I completely understand. I understand that you are proud of where you came from and proud of your heritage and what not. But it bothers me that people think that a language has so much depth to a culture. I unserstand that it does have some kind of connection and affect on it, but I don't think that the language is what represents a culture. I truly belive that the amount of affect the language has on our function in society and our history can easliy be replaced or repared in no time, from many differant ways. The amount of affect our language has on our societies structure is nothing, compared to the significant amount of ignorance and separation between eachother, we can terminate.

So even though I love the poetry between many different languages, and understand that some words can't be translated, I still think it's a sacrifice I'm willing to take.

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Do you belive in reincarnation? - that the soul lives forever and only uses a body temporarily. So your soul came from another body, and will move to another one after you die.

Well there is this theory. Today, the worlds' estimated population is about 7.5 Billion people. And about a 1000 years ago there were (I don't know the exact number) but MUCH fewer people. Like a couple hundred million. So the theory goes by that there are only a few hundred souls and that we today only have/get a piece of a soul. And thats why maybe we are so shattered. Because we're not even a complete soul.

And to expand on that theory, with my own thoughts, I think thats why we don't just have one ''the one''. I think that there are multiple ''the one''. That there are different ''the one'' for different expiriances. I dont think there is only 1 person you should expiriance those amazing memories with. And maybe thats where the frais ''soulmate'' came from. Like its not just another soul that is similair to your soul, but that you auctully both have a part of the same soul.

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I think I finally figured out (one of) my problems with Eva. She has this amazing ability to make me feel bad about everything I say and do. We talked about doing the laundrey and how she would do it this morning, if I devided them by color and sorted them. But when I went into her room this morning to tell her that my laundrey is in my room, she got a kindof' disspointed look on her face. And the words 'You said that you wanted to take care of your own laundrey, thats why I didn't take it to my house.' slipped out of her mouth. Qiute aggressively. So i responded with a nod and said 'I will take care of it'. So she got upset because I said that I will take care of it later, and her comeback was that, because I forgot she wants to help. But I told her that I was the one who fucked up, so I should take responsibility and do it. It's fine. I should learn from my mistakes. So she raised her voice, so close to a scream, and insisted to do it.

So if I want to be responsible and make up, what I fucked up - she gets mad.

If I don't take responsability for my actions - she gets mad.

Everything I do, say, feel? It's wrong.

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No, heaven is just a day old christian concept created by men to opress women in minorities

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You know how broken you are when it takes so little for you to feel down.

I was in the library today, and I felt like picking up a few books. So I picked up Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens. It's a classic and I think it's so interesting to read about these horrible situations. So I got really amped up, and so fucking excited. And it's been awhile since I got so excited about a book.

So when I got home, I directly sat down and starting reading. And I got so fucking amazed about how beautifully he writes. But I couldn't read, like 3-4 sentences without feeling like complete idiot. Cause I didn't understand shit. And I couldn't help myself from bursting into tears. And I know that it's a hard book and that it takes awhile to get up on that level. But as a person who is American and who lives and have always lived in foreign countries all my life, I have always been the best at English in my surroundings. I can sometimes be even better than my teachers. And even tho I haven't lived in America since I was a little child, I have always had these big expectations on myself. Like this is the one thing that I know. Like this is the one thing that I am actually good at. And now, sitting here, reading something I can't understand, with something I actually thought I was good at. It fucking sucks. 

And it's crazy how something so easily-worked-on, and honestly so unimportant to a teenager-from-this-generation can make me feel so fucking bad. Then you know how fucking broken you are.


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Could you ever be together with someone who's in love with a dead person?
I know, I know... It sounds really weird but hear me out. I'm watching Misfits (Oops... spoilers) and Seth is still in love with his girlfriend who, unfortunately, died. And, obviously, Kelly knows this but she chooses to go out with him anyway.
And I get that, even tho you love a person, life goes on. Obviously you can grief but in the end you have to move forward. And I get that maybe he will fall in love with Kelly instead, and maybe even love her more than his former girlfriend, but still.

I don't think I could ever be together with someone who will always love someone else more than me. Who will always choose them, if it comes down to it.

And of course, in Misfits it turns out that Seths ex comes back from the dead and they try to make it work, but he realizes that he loves Kelly. And that he has fallen in love with Kelly. And out of love with his ex. Which is good and all, but life doesn't work like that. In real life you can't just bring people back from the dead when ever you want.

So in real life, he would never have the chance to fall out of love with his dead girlfriend.

So in real life, he would forever be in love with her. He would forever be in love with the thought of her.

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Please, try to understand this from my perspective and don't automatically think that I'm depressed or lonely.
And yes I do understand that its going to be much harder than what I think, but.... I really don't give a fuck. Cause this is all I know and all I've got.

So my plan is to get a job. Really, any job. Clean, waitress, doesn't matter. Work there as long as takes until I have enough money saved up, to move out. Which I hope is soon. And after that, I keep working there, or if I get a better job with more money, and start looking for places to move. And look at job offerings there. Jobs that I almost definitely am going to get. Basic stuff. Stay for as long as I want, or atleast as long as it takes for me to save up money until I can move to another place. And keep going, from one place to another. Which in my estimation is going to take about 6 months - 1 year. In each place. France, Spain, Italy...
​Italy I am definitely going to. I remember I was there once when I was little. And I ate the most amazing hot dog. Like I'm not even fucking joking. And I'm going back to that place. I will find it!

Have my experience in each place, and then move on. But after a while, when all my relatives (and what I mean by relatives are Eva, Matthew, my Grandmother and Ági) are dead, and I get bored, I kill myself. And not in a complete depressing way, where I'll leave a very dramatic note telling everyone who's fault it is and saying goodbye. But everyone I owe something to will be dead, and I can finally go in peace. I won't have to say goodbye to anyone. I can just be content that I've done everything I wanted to do, and said everything I wanted to say. So why wait around, and just do it before it gets ugly.
Why does death have to be such a bad thing. Why can't I die happy?

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​Have you ever seen the movie Blue Valentine? Well, you should. Oops... spoilers.

I'm not going to start babbling about it so if you want to know what happens, watch it. I'm just going to tell you my interpretation.

So my interpretation of Blue Valentine.
I honestly don't think they were ever really in love. I think they had love, just not for one another. I think there was definitely love for Frankie, from both of them. I just don't ever think they were IN love. 
I honestly think they were both amazing and good people. Like, the best you can raise your children to be. If you take Cindy for example, she took care of her grandmother. She put her grandmother first. She took care of grandmother, when no-one else did. She was selfless. + she wanted to be a doctor. How more can you succeed as a parent, you know?...
And then there is Dean. This amazing guy who had no-one. But still has this happy and hopeful mindset. And naive if you ask me. But, I guess, that's what's beautiful about him. youth.. So back to the point. He is this ''easy-to-talk-to'' guy, and he always does the right thing. Like when Cindy got pregnant. He put aside his whole life for her. Even if, possibly, it wasn't his child... He did the right thing. 
And that's what i think happened to them. There was a hint of connection and attraction in the beginning, but things became to serious before they even had a chance to process and really understand, how they felt about each other. And the reason they stayed was because they always kept doing the right thing. Even if their heart was never truly in it. ​
​There is this quote from 'The perks of being a wallflower' that I think sums my thought together pretty well.

''You can't just sit there and put everybodys lives ahead of yours, and think that counts as love.'' 

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So yesterday I was in Borås, to see my brothers dance/theater recital. I'm not even joking it was so amazing. He was in the play called ''Cabaret''. But I was not the only one there, because Matthew Invited Jacob and his family, as well. And we all went out for dinner afterwards, and ate for 3 fucking hours. Don't get me wrong, they are lovely people. But I have absolutely nothing in common with them. I have absolutely nothing to talk to them about. So when it comes to those kind of situations, where I really don't want to be somewhere, I have a limited time before I start to get really bad anxiety, and start stressing out and get angry.

So for awhile, I can shake it off, and start thinking of how I don't want to disappoint Eva.
But after spending 2 hours with Eva in the car, for the drive there.
Spending 3 hours watching Matthew in the play (which is not a burden, so we're not going to count that in.)
Spending 3 hours having dinner with everybody.
And after all that, spending 2 more hours with Eva for the drive back.

So, maybe not so understandable for you, but after 7 hours of being with people I don't want to be with, my common curtesy and patience was starting to run out. And it's not that they are so rude, that I can't stand to be around them. It's just the feeling of being left out, in a way. The feeling that this is they're family, and not yours. (Even if you are related to half of them.) And so most of the time, the reason of why I get angry, is because I think that they feel sorry for me. That they pity me. Like that would be the only reason they are nice to me. And if you know me, that is one thing I hate the most. Pity... I honestly can't stand it.

I remember walking past these four guys on the street, while we were walking home. And even tho I was 5 steps behind everyone, I didn't look at them. Even tho I could feel their eyes staring at me, I didn't look up. Even tho a smile from one of them, would have made me feel so much better, I kept walking.
Why would I look them in the eye, just to see what I could've been feeling.


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