I have this demon inside me that I am batteling with everyday. For the past few months I have been feeling like complete and utter shit! I am lost within my own thoughts and so far in them, that I am drowning. I don't know what to do. It's one thing when your problems come from the outside world, but it's COMPLETELY DIFFERENT when you are your own problem. And everything around you reminds you of that everyday. I barely talk to Sandra anymore, and I am loosing connection with my entire class. I went through some (I'm not going to call it deppression, but as close to that as possible) rough shit.(personal problems) And becouse of that I COMPLETELY isolated myself from my friends. And in that time, they all kindof forgot about me. And now I don't think it's my place to try and repare that great friendship that I had with Sandra, because I don't want to be in the way. At the end of the day if she is happy, then why would I want to ruin that. Even if that means that I'm not a part of her hapiness. So with that said, I have absolutley no friends in my class. I have Nadja and Johan. And a few friends on the side that I meet from time to time but not so close to. And my friendship with Johan is falling apart, (I'll write about it later) so that's a goner. But that's not the part that bothers me the most. It's the way I look at myself. That's what really gets to me. I feel like I am a fucking mistake that makes everyones life miserable. And thats why there are fewer and fewer people that can even stand to be around me. I want to kill myself but I can't. Because I realized that noone really loves me. I realized that people have put time and energy into me to become this great person, that will benefit them in many different ways, but that I am not, so I honestly don't think I have the right to end my life. They don't deserve to be treated that way.
Because the only thing worse than living, is killing yourself.
So I came to the conclusion, that I don't want to kill myself. I just wish I was never born.