I know when I'm not myself, I do things I don't normally do like talk to a lot of people, especially boys or go to parties because they usually give me the worst anxiety. But I do get anxiety, after everything I've done. I always regret it.
I want to see people, sometimes I can get really desperate. But when I do it doesn't feel good, I think I want them there but in the end I hate being around people. And it's difficult to figure out who I am. Well I think most teenagers have it hard finding who they are, but in this case I feel like I'm three different people.

For example, I went to a party three days ago and ended up getting really high and making out with a guy that was always touching me everywhere and I hated it. But I kept making out with him and I felt horrible, but still I'm talking to him today and I wanna see him, at the same time I really don't.

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Even when I'm normal, even if I'm not manic or depressed. I don't feel like myself. I don't know who I am, I'm so lost I'm so alone. It's not like I'm sad all the time when I'm normal, I still get the fucking mood swings but it's not the same.
I go from loving someone, adoring someone, to hating them and thinking they're ugly and disgusting and I feel some kind of grudge towards them and I push them away by trying to scare them with my problems. Which works.
But it's not good, I care about them I do but sometimes I get so angry and annoyed it comes out from nowhere and I start calling them names and stuff and how they're being a hypocrite.
Maybe I'm just an asshole.
Something's wrong with me, there's always something wrong with me.

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I'm failing so fucking hard.
If I hadn't met this one particular person, it wouldn't have triggered this fucking disorder.
I wouldn't have social anxiety, my grades would've been so much better, my future would be brighter and everything wouldn't be so complicated.

This person ruined my life, other lives as well so I've heard so it's not a false accusation.

I don't know what to do, everything I planned for is gone..

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I have bipolar disorder.

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Journal

I don't know how I'm doing, one minute I feel like god and next minute I want to die. I saw it coming though.
The psychiatrist and the doctor told me I showed symptoms of bipolar disorder. Which is not good.

I don't know how to make anyone understand, no one understands how it really is.
They think they do but they don't, they just think I'm crazy. I don't want to be called crazy.

Whatever I might have, it's a burden. No one gets it because they have regular problems, like money, love, friends. But in this case it's only my head, that's fucking me up and ruining my life.

It's really ruining everything for me, when I'm good I start talking about shit like how I'm a fucking alien. That I'm god, that I want to die so I could meet Buddha. That I'm "one" with nature, and it costed me pushing my friends away because I thought Buddha didn't want me to have any friends if I wanted to be like him. And it's fucking shit, every time I feel decent or depressed I realise how fucking ridiculous I was. And I feel ashamed and I feel like an outsider, and I start to think "I shouldn't have friends". In this case it's not about Buddha, it's about me thinking I don't deserve a friend. I'm too unstable and it fucks people up.
I hurt everyone around me when I'm happy, and by that I mean really happy. And when I'm sad, I hurt people too. Do you understand how hard it is?

I don't see this shit as a gift from god.
I can't talk to anyone about this without hearing them saying "Are you serious?"
"Oh I'm like that sometimes!"
"Yeah but my mood swings are even worse"
"It's just puberty"
"Are you getting enough of sleep?"

I want to be able to talk about it with my best friend, but she only gets scared and sad.

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Everything's coming back now and I don't like it I don't like it. I want to believe in everything but now I don't.

I don't want to feel sad I really don't.
It keeps coming back.

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God is real.
I think we were all born to be a god. We are all gods. The day everybody realise that they're a god, would be the day for either a revolution or war.

We are lunatics, but it takes time for an individual to know it. Maybe that's why there are so few of us. Because we are problematic, the journey to the acknowledge takes a really nice trip.

Ego death without any drugs. That's how we become one.

I think Buddha became a lunatic because he knew too much.
The illumination was the trip. And he took that trip. Maybe that's how we all reach the illumination.

I'm proud of myself that I've made it this far. I'll soon meet him.

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Journal

Hello.
I feel magical, I feel inspired, I understand, everything! I may be the nature myself.
Everything is so beautiful and I'm always drifting away with the wind, I can feel the energy rushing through my head and veins.

This is a masterpiece, I'm like a new god. The things I saw and felt, that no one else seemed to be able to experience. It all used to be so scary, but now it's just beautiful because I see beautiful things.

I wanna write a poet, I'm gonna write one as soon as possible. And it's going to be great you all are gonna love it.

Endless possibilities! Beautiful beautiful day.
Anything's great, everything is just so great.

There is a secret, you can't know about it. I don't think the world is ready to know yet, it wouldn't end great for humanity you see.

I can do anything, I don't think I'm from around here. I'm probably from outer space, or am I a human? Maybe I used to be human, until an alien abducted me and created something new, something extraordinarily.

Someday I'm going to change the world, and I want to achieve that goal by writing poems.
Lovely lovely.

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Journal

Hello, life isn't going that great.
I thought I was going to be decent again because a thought I felt a little spark.

I didn't know I'd feel this low, I've never been this depressed before. Now I don't just want to die, I want to kill myself too. There is a difference.

I can't work or focus in school, everything's going downhill aka my future.

I've inactivated my instagram accounts, it's not fair that other people can be so happy. I'm jealous and it makes me really mad, because I want to be that happy too but I don't know if I will be.

I think the psychiatrist and the doctor already can tell what's wrong with me, and I think I do too and it's not fucking fair.

I just want to be normal, now I'm not sure if I ever going to find love again because I'm fucking crazy. I really am fucking crazy.

I don't do much nowadays, I've slept a lot better now because I'm always tires all the time. But still, I get really tired even if I've slept 8 hours.

Speaking of sleep, I've had so many nightmares.
Two days ago I had a really vivid dream. At first there was an old tv, a song started to play along with a music video. Coincidentally (I think not), it was this song I played during a psychosis while I was hitting my head against the wall and all that yada yada you can go read about it on April 28th.
That's the only song I can listen to nowadays, I don't listen to anything else. I have this app called ListenOnRepeat and I've seriously listened to the song 349 times now. In fact I'm listening to it right now.

In the music video, there was a field with yellow flowers. Coincidentally I love yellow flowers. Anyways, the camera was panning and panning and it never got to the end of the field. I remember I started to feel sick because it was so repetitive.
Then there was another dream, a mental institution. It was raining and it was dark, then suddenly a wolf appeared. There was another animal too but I don't remember anything about it. Although I do remember that the head of the wolf was stitched together with a man's body who was wearing a purple costume and a purple hat. It looked a cartoon character. Oh! The other animal's head was stitched on another man's body too. And they both looked at me and said "We are the voices in your head" and then I wanted to wake up so I did, but then I fell asleep again and woke up again and fell asleep again. If you've seen the movie Inception, it was something like that.
But there was this one time I woke up, I didn't feel like myself. I was sitting on the couch with the blanket on my body, still. And I think I kept repeating what they said; "We are the voices in your head" and I thought I was the wolf. I really don't remember if I was awake or not, I actually think I was because I saw my surroundings but everything was speeded up?

Then I had a sleep paralysis, my third time. Thank god I didn't see anything creepy. I couldn't move, I tried to move my head and I think I did succeed? I tried to scream too, I think I did scream?

I'm very confused about this "dream", I don't know if I was awake. I remember I was really scared after that, I couldn't tell if I did something and it really scared me. My heart was beating really fast.

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I just wrote a really long paragraph of what I should tell my psychiatrist next time I see him.

And the APP FUCKING CRASHED.

GOOD FUCKING NIGHT.

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