I am far far away from my family, my friends my life. I chose to come here, I chose to take this risk. That damn risk. I knew I was gonna fail I knew it but I did it anyways. Now I'm to far away to not keep trying. I want to give up. I wanna be back in my living room with my family who despite everything that's ever happend and just watch a damn movie and RELAX. But life doesn't allow you to relax, you're not supposed cuz if you do then your might get stuck in a life you don't even want. For now l just want to hug my mom and dad and hear them tell men everything is gonna be ok. I love you.
This thing about moving to another place, a new place, somewhere else, somewhere which is not home, at least not yet. I just moved in into our new apartment and I love it. It is beautiful and cozy of course, but today I realized that the last time we moved away from the place where I was born, grew up in, graduated middle school and had all the greatest of the greatest memories with the most amazing people it felt right in the heart. It was hard leaving a place lite that, leaving home. This time is different. Sure I loved our last apartment, but not like the one where I grew up in and I'm sure I won't consider any home like that. I mean you get one place to call home and that will always be home.
Where my family are that's where my heart is. But then on the other hand is it home because of them or because of the place. The place I grew up in was not only home because of my family, but because of the place, the village, the people, my childhood. Having family right there is always a plus, but this time living here it's home because they are here not because this feels safe, not because this feels like always, like home.
I hate them for not trying harder, I hate them for not dreaming, I hate them for setteling for this life, I hate them for not caring enough about bigger things. I hate him for never telling me that he loves me. I hate her for always saying that she doesn't care. I hate them for making me feel like this, for making me cry like this. If you won't fight harder for yourself then do it for us. Why won't you do it for us, for me? They are the perfect example of what I DON'T want to become, what I WON'T become. I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could get away right now.
I'm told life changes, I'm told life gets better, I'm told life is high and good and nothing is more amazing, but I haven't felt it myself, I haven't experienced it myself. I feel alone, abandoned like I always am there for others to pick up their broken pieces and put them all together, but who is there to pick up mine. I've been crying my eyes out all day that I can't even feel my face and then I got a call, she heard I was crying and she said "I can hear that you are crying but I gotta tell you this...."
I'm contemplating what I could have turned out to be if 1,5 years ago wouldn't have happened, would I be this broken, this sad and hopeless wishing for life to change, longing for those days I felt high on life? I miss me, I miss all about who I used to be what I used to be. I have turned into this woman who only dreams, sure I am about to do some helluva crazy shit and good things are happening for me, my future career etc. but I still feel like he ruined my life, he broke me, he kicked me while I was already lying down. I believed him. I trusted him. I confided in him.
I loved him.
For about three years ago my friend and I read the best of the best book series ever. The hush hush series. We made the best playlist it just makes you think about everything, everything that exists and everything that doesn't. And it brings up the best memories ever.
We read these at the beginning of high school and now we're at the end and about to read them again. I love this, the throwback feeling. Memories are the best, they hurt sometimes but yet they just makes me smile so much. How can four books bring up so many memories. It is something I shared with the one person that actually understands me, someone who loves me for me, someone who I believe will be my sister, always, no matter wherever we are. No matter if we are across the world from each, she will be my sister now and forever.
I keep wondering about the beginning now that the end is closing up and I realized that I have changed so much as a person, I've grown and became a woman, one whom is ready for the future to get out in the world and make some more mistakes and learn some more. Life is beautiful. I will be reading plenty of books watching a tons of movies and series, but at the same time I will be out there, experiencing different things life has to offer. I am so damn ready, scared but ready.
- But Patch, what if I fall?
- Oh but Angel, what if you fly?
So... long time no see.. sorry..
Haven't been sleeping much lately. Why? Well, I'm on break from school this week so I got time to think and be for myself,. I've been up till four AM every night for a week and been sleeping in till one PM every day. Why? because trouble follows me everywhere.
I can't remember if I've told you that I want to move across the world and build a new life with new people and be around a completely new environment. If not, then now you know. I started to think about why I'm so okay with leaving everything and everyone behind and realized that I just don't fit in. This place is just not for me and I can't help but think that there is a possibility that I just wasn't ever supposed to be here, live here, that my soul just can't take this place.
I got friends, lots of them, but non whom I feel like I have something real in common with. Don't misunderstand me I love my friends, I love the way they are and the way they make me laugh, but since 2014 I've never wanted to get attached to anyone or anything. I'm afraid. I don't want to get hurt. Not again. Not ever.
I can't let my family in, I don't feel comfortable with it. If everyone only knew what was going on in that little head of mine. How I really felt. I guess nobody will ever know, because nobody never wants to listen.
I got home late from work yesterday, didn't have any energy to blog, eat, talk, nothing. Just showered and went to bed. It was a crazy day at work which made me wonder what kind of people exist out there. There war two men who were just so disrespectful, why do you need to yell all over the place it's not like I'm not going to hear you less if you talk with a lower voice.. Just be nice, I'll do anything for the people who need me and for the people that I love, just be nice. I feel like it is so easy for people to blame others for what THEY have done, why is that? Why can't you just own up to your mistakes? Is it really that hard or are you just ashamed? I WANNA KNOW SOOOO BAD!!! I get so mad at people who just can't be nice to someone especially someone they don't even know.. Why are they more comfortable to be disrespectful to a stranger, is it because I'm at work and I'm not allowed to talk back or are they just a bunch of sons of bitches? As you may understand I had a crappy day at work, but then there were all the other super super nice people who had RESPECT, who thanked me, who complimented me and it's the good parts of something that helps you to keep going and doing what you do. Just wanted to say be kind to he people aournd you not only family and friends but strangers too.
I've been looking forward to this day all week. Not because it's Friday, but because it is the day when I get to have some fun and hang out with the people that I care about and shut everything else out. Today is about living, today is about having some fun and enjoying myself. You should too. Put something nice on tonight and go out with your friends and just LET LOOOOOOSE!!!!! We are supposed to live, live our life to the fullest, not just half way which is easy to do.
I'm going to have a relaxing day today. We're gonna go to the cinema and watch a movie, then we'll be smoking hookah the rest of the night.
I have never truly loved someone, or sure I do love my friends and family, but in love.. No, how does that even feel? How do you know that you're in love with someone? I've never felt it, I know nothing about it. Isn't that crazy? 18 years old and have never experienced love for another human. I shut it off, I don't want all that drama, or at least a part of me doesn't want anything to do with it, but then there is that tiny little part who thinks it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with or have someone who's with you for YOU and loves you for YOU.
I've been holding back for so long so nothing would stop me from doing what I want to do. This year is gonna be my year. My year, where I get to do all the things I've been waiting so long for.
Life has so much to offer and it is up to us to do something with what we have been given. We are lucky no matter who we are or where we are, because we are alive. I believe that we were given this life for a reason, a purpose. We can change the world only if we truly believe in ourselves. I want to believe that there could be peace on this earth, but then there has to be a balance in life. It can't just be good, it has to be sadness, craziness, drama and all that stuff we wish never existed just so there could be a balance. Believe it or not but there is just as much fairness as it is unfairness in the life we live.
I'm just so in love with life, with the nature, with animals, with all the people around me, everything is so beautiful and breathtaking, life is breathtaking. I love just watching people having fun and laughing, because there is nothing more beautiful than a human being being at their best mood, feeling good, being good.
Life is just amazingly beautiful if you don't take the good parts of life for granted, even the dark times are beautiful, we aren't supposed to live a life without sadness or craziness, we have to have some of that in our lives. I think that the worst periods of our lives forms us to the person we are today. I wasn't always like this, feeling life, feeling the people around me and just loving it all. Once I didn't give a damn, but then something happened and I started to appreciate everything and everyone around me. That is what we all should do, never take anything for granted.