I had to change, I knew that and I tried. I went from starving myself to excessive binge eating. I would eat a lot of food in a short period of time, even when I was full I would push myself until I began to feel sick. From then I wouldn't eat anything until the next day. I would be hungry at night and couldn't wait until the next morning to eat breakfast (at times I would finish eating all together at 2 pm) I was hating myself at the way I was trying to deal with it and thought I could still lose weight if I ate all in one go and stop eating until the next day.
I started to realise that I hated the way I was living, I hated the fact that I constantly felt guilty about how much I ate, I hated the fact that all I kept thinking was how my body still wasn't ‘perfect' and I particularly hated how I had led myself to this point. I wasn't happy with my body, so why couldn't I just eat what I wanted when I wanted? With this in mind, I pushed all negative thoughts about my body image and slowly started to change. I would still binge eat but still eat after when I got hungry again. I started to eat out with my friends again and it wasn't easy accepting this but I knew I didn't want to live a life where food was controlling me. (I think everyone at one point or another has that realisation light bulb moment)
I still went to the gym but this time instead of having the goal of losing weight and burning 700 calories, I wanted my body to be strong and fit. I started to lift weights and in return, I realised I needed to eat a little more for my body to cope. Binging at this point was coming to a slow stop and I was eating at a moderate level (with the occasional stuffing of the face)
It took me 4 years to finally be happy with where I am. I'm slightly back to my original weight (150 pounds) but this time its muscles I have gained and I'm happy with that! It took me a really long time to accept the fact that I will never have the body as many other girls have (a slim figure) because my body was not made that way. I will always be a ‘bottom heavy' girl, my thighs, my hips & my butt will always be a little bigger than the rest of my body, but I'm cool with that.