There is a saying in China - "The most difficult thing is not to encounter, but to reunite". At the moment you meet someone, the switch of counting down towards farewell is on. Nobody knows when it will come and nobody can stop it to happen. It is settled a long time ago. There is a poem of my love, it is in Chinese but has an English version. The name of the poem is "A Tree in Bloom”.

How do I let you meet me,

At my most beautiful moment.

For this,

I beseeched the Buddha for five hundred years,

I beseeched him to let us meet in earthly life.

Buddha let me become a tree,

Growing on the roadside that you pass by every day.

Under the sunlight,

It carefully bloomed with flowers all over,

Every bloom is my longing from a previous life.

When you come near,

Please listen carefully,

Those shivering leaves,

Are the passion of my waiting.

And when you finally passed by unawares

Those that fell off and covered the ground,


Those are not flower petals,

Those are my withering heart.

Beautiful isn't it. The most precious thing in the world is not to encounter someone, but the moment before that, because you never know how your life is going to change after that moment. It could be one week, or for the rest of your life. Every encounter is unpredictable yet destined, every person in your life or has been in your life is reasonable no matter if he/she makes you happy or sad. Some taught you to love, some taught you to move on, some taught you to be yourself, and some taught you never look back…

When there is an encounter, there must be a farewell waiting. Maybe I am too passive, but I am always ready for the moment that is yet to come. We all hate farewell, and we will never be good at farewell, but we are used to it. Some would say the farewell is for the better encounter in the future. To some point it is, but when you actually meet again, would everything be the same as it used to be? I doubt it because the thing that never changes is to change itself. So when things change, some choose to try to fix it, some would rather lose it for good than witness it fading away day by day. Unfortunately, I am the latter.

I always have a hypothesis, some encounters are good, and some are bad, there are also some are bittersweet. So is the result relevant to the ending? Or in another word, I will still take the example of the beloved city, if you meet someone you really love during traveling, but you did not have much time to be with each other, it is the reality that separates you, but the memory you had was all good. So this shall be defined as “a good encounter”, however, if you can be together, will the memory still be as good as the former situation? I guess there will not be an answer for that, because there are only results in life, no “if I could have …”

I firmly believe the time has been settled of every person you meet, when to start and when to end. When it is not time yet, you wouldn’t lose the person no matter what you do, but when it is time, it is just gone. Even if you were just looking at that person and smiling, it is gone and will never be back. I used to be hysterical when that moment came, and I did everything to get it back, but the more I tried, the faster it vanished. So I stopped, like a crying kid watching her favorite teddy bear floating on the river and goes to the sea.

Life is short, we all say that, so when the person comes, do not rush, come closer and closer, and say “hi, here you are”. And when she/he needs to leave, say no more but “Thank you for the time you spent with me”. The best reward in an encounter would be when you are about to be apart forever, someone tells you:“Tack, vad snäll du är! Och du ge mig en jättefin upplevelse som jag aldrig kommer glömma!”

It is enought no matter what in the end.

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If karma is a bitch, fate is definitely her son and vice versa. Fate here may not be its English meaning, it is translated from a Chinese word, translation of Chinese can be complicated because there are some words that cannot be expressed by English, only if you understand Chinese could you feel it. So what I am trying to say about fate here is the invisible connection among people and the potential and possibility of something that has been determined in advance. In China, fate and karma are concepts of Buddhism. I am not a sincere Buddhist but I do believe in Buddhism, so I firmly believe in fate and karma, and they have actually been in my life almost all the time.

There is a popular saying about karma in China - "you get what you have planted". Which also reminds me of another saying "People who are brave will end up with braveness and those who are loyal will end up with loyalty". It is about something else, what I want to say is about people, especially about love. Or maybe love is too much, so we shall call it feelings. You cannot deny the power of fate, the saying of "there are blaaa people in the world and the chance of encountering someone is blah%, and the chance of two people falling in love is blaaa%", It is a bit cliche for me. But I did witness the power of fate and I am crazy about it, I guess that's why there have been so many dramas in my life. If life is a movie, mine is definitely named as 'absurd drama' and the reason is mostly me, and I will not stop. Someone used to call me 'psycho' and it is what I define myself nowadays. I guess everybody is a little bit psycho to some point, but with different priorities, such as working, relationships, or literally mental illness.

Fate is an abstract word, let me put it this way. For example, when you are traveling to your beloved city, then you meet someone who becomes the love of your life. You don't have to be together for the rest of your life but the point is it has happened. Even if it lasted only for 3 days, it is still the most precious memory of your whole life. Maybe it does not apply to some people, but it absolutely suits a 'psycho'. Then here comes the karma, the city which used to your love has become your hell, you still love the city but won't dare to go again, at least not in ten years. Here I will quote the lyric from my favorite Chinese singer - Faye Wong, "I borrowed the sky to appreciate from one I don't know, but I see you". The magic of karma is that no matter how many times you start over, the fate is still there, it is basically a vicious circle. So in this case, you can't do anything but accept it and move on with the long-lasting open wound.

Fate is irresistible. I decided to study abroad during my second year of bachelor, at that time I was longing for Britain. But it was only my own decision, and I don't like being rejected, so I made the first biggest choice of my life - I am going to do it on my own. Going abroad is really costly, especially for Chinese. Like now in my whole class, only us four Chinese students need to pay the tuition fee, the tuition fee does not apply to EU citizens. I know it is not fair, but life is not fair and I am happy with what I have now. So when I was 19, I made the first biggest decision of my life and I have 'tortured' by it for two and a half years. I did part-time jobs, I have tried many types of them, from H&M to teaching Chinese. Salary of part-time jobs in China is super low, especially for students who are not graduated. I used to work in a milk tea and coffee shop, the salary was about 1.2 euros/hour, I know how horrible it sounds but it is actually the general price for part-time jobs. H&M is much better-almost 2 euros, I have heard it is higher now though.

So I kept working for one year and plus the saving of my fortune money of New Year. I can finally afford the money for English exams, 226 euros for once, and unfortunately, I took four. Compared to other expenses it is nothing. During that period, I was like a bomb that can explode ananytime. I remembered there was one day in the summer, I was working in the milk tea shop, I was at the afternoon shift. Because shops in China do not close at 5pm especially on weekends, so I got off work at 11pm, I have been working since 1.30pm, I was tired but happy because I worked 2 hours extra. I was riding my bike and listening to my favorite music, the evening was chill, I felt so fresh and productive. Five minutes later I saw a lightning and after another two minutes, I experienced the most intensive thunderstorm, I didn't even have time to go under a bridge. I got completely wet when I was home, I took a shower and went to sleep because I had work at 10am the day after. I didn't get a cold or a fever afterwards, I guess I was strong and lucky.

Fate is funny and ironic sometimes, because in the end I didn't choose universities in Britain but ended up in Sweden, the application did not go well at the beginning, but I made it eventually. I guess besides my efforts and luck, it is the fate that connects me to Sweden. If I had another change to start over, I will still choose Sweden and I will always make the same choice as it in the beginning. Thanks to my efforts and determination, I can't imagine my life if I still live in China, and thanks to karma.

Karma is the invisible eye that has been constantly monitoring you. There is a thing called "dynamic equilibrium", which means balance. Reflecting on relationships is when you hurt someone, there will be another who hurts you, or on her/his way to hurt you. So the best way to avoid this kind of karma is to be a good person, if you couldn't do that, it is fine, then just accept and deal with the consequences. 



There is a posh saying about home recently: "Home is where the heart is". I agree, There is a similar saying from a Chinese writer - "The whole life, we are trying to pursuit something, for which we go around the world. In the end, we find it at home". Speaking of home, we will automatically connect to Family, there are four general types of family in China, two parents and children, no parent and children, one parent with children and, one parent plus one of someone else's parent and children. Unfortunately, I belong to the last category.

If the heart is a watermelon, the home should be the central part, everybody knows it is the sweetest part that you always share it with people you love. But what if it's missing? I guess you need to fill in with other things such as relationships, friendships, the more you put the effort in, the more lonely you are because they do not match. So as time goes by, there is a giant hole that can never be repaired. That is what I define as 'character flaw'. I admit I have it and I cannot do anything about it, it wasn't my choice but I had to accept it. I believe people from a broken family all have the broken heart, some of them go mad or cynical, some of them become cold, I think I am the lucky portion, I become myself. My family cannot change me, not anymore, which also means it cannot affect me. Thanks to the brokenness, I have become an independent and fearless person. I am not saying a broken family is better than a happy one, it is not and it will never be. But we have to learn something and become a better person because nobody can change the reality, or you cannot start again either. Quoting a Swedish saying - "Livet Pågår".

I used to be cynical and angry when I was younger, because I didn't remember when was the last time me and parents sitting at the table for dinner and I didn't know how did everything happen, I just remembered one day in the summer, I was watching TV, I was so happy because that day my parents didn't set the limited time for me watching TV. I remembered my dad said they were going out to do something, I said okay and enjoyed my TV time, and the day after, I was told to pack my stuff to live with my grandparents for a while. The 'a while' lasted around a year or even more, I didn't feel sad because I liked being with my grandparents, they treated me well and I didn't have to be forced by my parents to study. I forgot since when I started to realize the change, maybe it was in a New Year. I went back to my 'home', from the moment I opened the door I realized that I did not belong to here anymore, everything was the way it was but the feeling has gone, and it is gone forever at that moment. I wish I could have kept a diary back then so that I can have an anniversary or something.

Chinese families are complicated because of the relations among family members and the gap between old and young generations. My family is quite simple to some extent because I don't have many relatives like the traditional family, in some traditional families, family members can be over a hundred. However at the same time, my family has the common complex of a Chinese family, in China, we have a saying “Every family has a skeleton in the cupboard”. Happy families are similar yet unhappy families have their own misfortunes. If there is one sentence that to describe me, a lesbian with a broken family in China would be "the fortune out of all the misfortunes".

Family is one of the things that you can't choose since you were born. Think about the construction of the word 'Family', I remember there was an activity in the English class in my primary school, each of us chose one English word to make it easier to memorize, one of my classmates chose this one, I forgot who she was but I remembered the explanation clearly until now. She said, "Family can be seen as Father and Monther I Love You". The teacher was so amazed by her creativity, I guess that's because she has a really happy family.

Because of the unrepairable hole in my heart, I have been through so much, much more than I can imagine, but I will never say I cannot take it. It is on its way of transformation from bitterness to treasure, I don't know how long it will take but I never stop. As Arthur C. Clarke was asked what he wanted to be written on his tombstone, he said: "He never grew up, but he never stopped growing".

For me, Sweden is my home, at least now, I never limit myself of exploring new places. I don't know where my future home will be but I guess it must relate to a special person.

Lastly, I wish all of the broken hearts could find home, or on their way back home, Including me.



It's been a long time that I wanted to write about myself since I moved to Sweden, which is been almost nine months. If there are 10 grades between straight and gay, my grade would be 11. So yes, I am a lesbian and from a charming and complex country - China. China has increasingly developed yet it remains its traditions. In China, you can see things from all over the world, but sexuality is still in the gray area. Here I shall apologize for my language, I have been learning English since I was six but I was not a good student, or maybe I did not have a good teacher, so basically I was teaching myself. I will try my best to express myself in a logical and clear way.

I do not expect to be famous by the blog or give lessons to people, I just simply like writing and I like to document everything that happened to me no matter if it is good or bad. Sweden inspired me greatly and it has changed my life, what I mean life is literally the whole life. So that's why the name of my blog is 'The Rebirth', you cannot imagine how tough for a lesbian who is determined and has a strong will to live in China, I am not saying China is bad, but for me, moving to Sweden is like a person being reborn but still has the memories of previous life. So yeah, besides my stories, I will also mention things about China, a lot of people have interests in China I guess, and it is the authentic one from a native perspective.

So here are my stories, they will never end and they will always on their​ way...