When I get out of the hospital,
I know I'll fall in love again.
I know I'll feel low again.
they say it's confidental,
but I can see it leaking through, peeking through all these little holes in my heart.
When I get out of the hospital,
I know I'll learn again.
I know I'll fail again.
they say it's parental,
but I can feel the lost child full of fear, crying
through all these little holes in my heart.
When I get out of the hospital,
I know I'll live again.
I know I'll die again, again and again..
Please don't go..

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In the dark in the middle of the night,
a girl scrolls through her phone contacts as she gets a message.
She's thinking: "Oh, who might-"
Another message.. she opens it.
It's from a gentlemen. that she has fancied for some time.
her hearts starts beating a little faster and she nervously replies.
He eventually asks her to come over,
and with no doubt she doesn't deny, that she wanted this too.
she sneaks out her room, looking left and right. Because she has to be unnoticed, yes, this is true.
Her heart beating faster as she comes closer to his door.. excitement growing..
She can't believe this is really happening, how did they end up like this?
She hears his softly muted music, running through his door.. as she opens it, his appearence is not showing,
he in his bed. Waiting for her "What took you so long?" Sofly blushing, she gets besides him in his bed
and he comes in closer, with his head. She feels the sparks fly as their mouths entwine.
Breathing harder and so does their kisses.
She can feel his warm hand, slowly, touching her right breast.
He massages it and she can't help but to realease a moan,
This side of him. He never has shown.
Oh heaven, how he drived her crazy,
more and more she might moan,
but he reminds her to be quiet, as this must stay unknown.
His hand caressing her stomach, slowly going down further..
if he only could've heard her.
As he massages her from the inside,
She is curious what will happen next..
She swore, a little piece of her just died.
When he took off his underwear and pushes it in her..
Now what happens next you might already know.. Secrets are secrets.
I am not a beginner.

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I fell into a discussion with a friend about growing out of selfharming. It turned into an argument.

Because I disagreed. In MY opninion, you cannot grow out of selfharming. It is certainly not a 'teenage thing.' a lot of grown up, mature people self harm. In his opinion, these people are immature in their head. Just plain old. Which drives me mad, Because I did not mean that they are old. I ment that their brains are fully developed, they are not teenagers anymore. They do not have the same hormones that teenagers do. Sure they might have some but not exactly the same.

He told me: "It's not about age it's about mental maturity and sublimating your emotional trauma into physical pain. It's a process with diminishing returns, so you'll either find a better way to express your emotional trauma or stay the exact same person your whole life."

Sure that makes sense. BUT that still does not mean someone can simply 'grow out' of it. What you do, is you make other decisions. You recover from it. you get proffesional help. you learn new methods how to act when you feel the need of harming yourself. in MY opinion, you still do not grow out of it.

Respect my opinion and feel free to comment yours.

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men took advantedge of girls
the girls were sick and unsure.
now every night and now and then girls lie in bed, sobbing with their bodies shaped in a curl.
they can still feel men throbbing their fingers around their feet. massaging,
manipulating.
it's sickening how men can abuse their powers. never ever will they be blamed.
never ever will they be forgotten. men's faces and crooked teeth. voices never forgotten.
now how do men sleep at night, knowing what they achieved?
girls sleepless nights turn into men's pleasure. who could have imagined what could have happened after?
exposed little girls. to grown pig-faced men.
there is no justice! girls get pointed out as liars. men with daughters the same age as those girls. what could be happening behind other closed doors?
silly men should realise, that girls don't want love if it's forced.

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I wrote a poem about my current situation:


i want my freedom back.
i want the life i once had, back.
i want to be joyfull and glad.
want my mirrors and metals, that i once had.
im a wethered, battered rose
you took and tore and pulled at my petals
on and on and on untill they loosened.
you're grousome.
i want my freedom.
i want it all because now i have none
.

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let's start from the beginning. let's finish at the end. like it is supposed to be.

this is my story. i will write it as honestly as i can.

i was born in Norway, Oslo. 1997/04/05. I have two older sisters.
when i was just a baby we moved to Russia, Moscow. my father worked there for the Norwegian ambassé. we lived there for 3 or 4 years. Later we moved to a big house in Sweden, Värmland. we lived there for 1 year. My parents split up. My mother couldn't afford the house anymore so we moved to her old ex that is from the Netherlands. we moved to the Netherlands, Utrecht, Amersfoort. we later moved 3 times in Amersfoort. I lived there for 12 years.
I later moved to my sister who in that time already had moved to Sweden. I moved to Sweden, Dalarna, Stjärnsund. due to some complications I had to move. i got my own apartment in Hedemora. I have moved back and forth some times more and other things have happened. This is just the short version. I've left out bigger important details to be able to write about them later.

I hope you enjoyed reading this and are interested in reading more.

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