I walk into the club. The music is blasting, it's so loud I can't hear my thoughts. ​I walk behind my friend, she gives me her hand to hold so I don't loose her as we are pushing forward towards the bar. I see the front of the bar, there is a cute bartender and he leans forward. We order our usual, vodka Redbull and 2 shots each. I pay and our drinks come faster than you can say peanut butter jelly sandwich. (that means fast) we scream cheers as we pour the shots into our systems, first one than the second. I can feel the alcohol starting to poison my body body but yet I drink it. I want to get hammered, super drunk, I want to not feel any feelings, I want to be so drunk I forget about everything. I continue to drink my vodka drink, you can't taste the alcohol so I down it pretty quickly. My friend turns around and I've already ordered another drink before she even started her first one. Tonight like every time I go out is about forgetting, if I can't forget I can't have fun.

People ask me why I drink a lot, why I'm always so loud singing the songs and dancing my heart out wanting to be in the centre of attention when we go out. I do this because I'm forgetting, I get shit drunk to try to find some peace in myself. To stop the thoughts in my head. The constant thoughts that tell me I shouldn't be on this planet, the thoughts that tell me I'm an alien and nobody likes me, the thoughts telling me I'm fat and everybody is disgusted by me, the thoughts that I hate myself. 

But when I get drunk I don't think about it, I only think about not throwing up and not dying by getting stuck in the cold, I think about the lyrics of the songs or when the beat is going to drop. But nobody notices I actually only get shit drunk when I feel the most shit. And I'm not sure anybody would notice if I went outside in the cold and froze to death. That though, that last sentence scares me. And that's why I never get over the point of no return when I get drunk. That's why I always stop myself and go home. 

After my second vodka drink I hit the dance floor, I start to shake by hips to the rhythm of the music, for a moment it's only me and the music and for a moment I feel that I'm enough. 

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Sometimes, there comes a time where you have to, in order to survive, be selfish. To be selfish doesn't necessarily mean you have to fuck everyone over and be mean or rude to others. It means you decide, looking in the mirror what is truly best for you in this moment. It's very important to be selfish, to be selfish in the best possible way, to not be mainstream and to decide for yourself what will truly make you happy, or if not happy maybe happier. As someone who always puts other people before myself being selfish is incredible hard for me. But lately I have been more and more selfish, cautious about the people I surround myself with and deciding about what I think is the best thing to do for me in my life, regardless of what others say. I made a tough decision in the beginning of this week, and the last hurdle I had to overcome was I had to completely not think and give a fuck about what other people would say about me. I had to remember everyone is living their own life and they don't have the time or energy to focus on me or my problems or decisions. When I overcame this I finally took/made my decision and I felt so free and so much better than before.

So if you are struggling right now with something just remember to think about what's best for you and then not to be a total Nike slogan but JUST DO IT. You can, you have the power. It's up to you. If you can look in the mirror everyday and be proud and stand for the decision you made. then you made the right choice :)



I’m so tired. I’m so tired that even if I had 4 cups of coffee my eyelids keep falling down, insisting to shut my eyes closed. I’m not tired because I didn’t sleep. I did sleep. A lot even, I slept in my king size bed for 13 hours but still i woke up and the feeling of emptiness, the feeling of being alone in my bed, was enough to want me to go back asleep right there, right then. I’m so tired, so fucking tired. Of everything. of not being good enough, of studying medicine but failing every time I try so hard. Of putting myself *out there* trying to meet people, and when I do, when my heart and soul belongs to that other person they throw me away time after time like I’m an old doll that nobody wants in their house. Of trying to be the perfect daughter but getting suffocated everyday because my parents without even knowing it are putting so much pressure on me, pressure I can’t take, handle or what to have on my shoulders.

I’m so fucking tired of being alive.



Short stories

As I was walking down the street, head looking down at the ground as I taught myself my mind wanders away, like it always does. I start to daydream and I’m Looking down not to have to meet anyone’s eyes and also to avoid all the dog poo in the street. My thoughts are running around my head, wind is blowing my hair out of my face and it falls over my shoulders on to my back. For a second I think how long my hair has become since I last saw you. I think how my hair growth represents how you and I have grown apart. How much the time we spent together meant to me and how little it meant to you. But in all these past months my mind more seldom wanders towards how your body fit into mine and how your head lay upon my chest, how the kisses we shared could stop time and how your hands knew exactly what to do to make me enjoy every second of our time. I more seldom find myself thinking about you, but even so, the impact you had on my life will never change. I come to a stop, the light is red and there are many cars so I stop and look to both sides and when there is a gap I confidently cross the street. On the other side I stop and look back. Suddenly I see you on the other side of the road, you stop and wave at me and then continue. I blink and you are gone.

The banana I’m eating does not taste good, the tea I’m drinking tastes dull and I throw them both away. Now I don’t think about you anymore, I’ve decided. No more, I’m not taking your shit. If you don’t want me someone else will want me. Too bad the next guy in line leaves me in the same situation as you did. How much you have in common you two and yet how different you both are. It makes me giggle. And I remember how much I’m a sucker for a one-sided love story. I start up a text conversation with “him”, let’s call him “Daniel”. Daniel asks me if I want to hang out tomorrow morning and I of course agree, we decide to meet at ten am and hang out. We continue texting and my mind leaves you. I visually see how the book of my life turns a page and just like that I’m over you.

“Goodnight <3 “ my screen lights up “goodnight ^^” I respond and then put my phone on flight mode. Daniel and I had talked for several hours and it felt like no time had passed by at all. When I think about Daniel the first thing is not how amazing his body is or how his voice just makes me want to fall at his feet. The first thing that comes to my mind is how challenging he is. He always challenges me, he always questions me, he always wants to prove me wrong, he always looks into my eyes and I can see him drowning in them. I can see his entire being loving how my mouth moves as I’m talking and his gaze crosses my face and falls upon my lips how his desire to have me is growing for every second I’m in his presence. I start to fall asleep and I start dreaming, of course about Daniel and how I just want him to come to his senses and understand that I want him too and that I have left every other guy to be with him and how I don’t care about anything else I just know, feel the energy coming from he if you will and I know he wants me. I also know he will have me. Eventually it is inevitable, just like oblivion is inevitable.

Music is blasting in the club. There is no air and the heat coming from everyone's body makes us all stick together when we touch. We are dancing in a circle my friends and I and I'm enjoying my current high. Suddenly when I switch places with one if the girls I meet his eyes and despite that there are hundreds of people around and about 20 people between us he is staring and me. He watches my body moving to the beat of the music and he slowly licks his lips and bites it as he continues to dance with his crazy drunk friend beside him. Even though it only takes a few seconds I feel it. The spark, the butterflies in my stomach. I continue to dance and my favorite dance song comes on and I scream and my girls and I start to hysterically dance and go crazy. Seconds later I feel a hand slowly toughing my back landing on my ass working its way onto my hips, instead of feeling scared I know who it is and I take one of my hands and slide it over his thigh, making him come closer to me. I feel his nose burying itself in my hair and I hear him inhale a large portion of air as he smells my hair. I turn around and put my arms around his neck, his other hand lands on my waist and he pulls me closer. I look into his eyes and he bends down his face, we breathe heavily and I breathe in the air he has let out as we try to continue to dance. My arms wander down his chest and stomach and find their way inside his shirt, I feel compelled to feel his body and I let my hands touch every inch of his chest and abs. He tilts his head backwards and let's out a vague moan. I put my hand inside his back pocket of his lightly washed jeans and feel his amazing behind. I don't even care that people from our class, that people we see everyday are all around us. I get the feeling that time stops. Seconds later my arms are back around his neck and he leans towards me suddenly he grabs my ass with both hands pushing me closer on to his body and I can feel him getting excited, he pushes me upwards and because I'm so short and he is so tall I bend my neck backwards and our lips meet.

His mouth opens a little and I open mine, our tongues dance together, lips fitting perfectly together. His hands touching my body, my hands on the back of his head, his hand grabs my hair and bends my neck even more backwards and then we stop, look at each other and he just mouths " I want you, right now"

He spins me around and his hands are placed at my hip bones, I put my hair to one side of my neck and he starts kissing my neck, nibbling on my skin our bodies pushing together not even being or wanting to be separated by a millimeter. My best friend looks at me and gives me a smirk, I know she is so happy for me that I finally got what I want but I can see the worry in her eyes. She knows already what I am denying to let myself know.

I can't hold myself any longer I stand on my tippy toes and whisper to him to say bye and meet me outside, he nods and I start hugging my girlfriends, he gives his boys their handshake and we walk outside. We grab the first cab and as we come inside I ask yours or mine? He suggests his. I say the address and buckle my belt. The car starts driving and he leans over kisses me and unbuckles my belt. He taps his hand on his leg and I immediately scotch over and sit on top of him. We start making out and we don't stop until the driver says, “we are here now”. I give him the money and tell him to keep the change. We hold hands all the way into the apartment building, when we wait for the elevator he leans against the wall observing me, I smile and twirl around and ask him what he is looking at. He grabs my arm, pulls me in and says. You have the most beautiful eyes on this entire planet; I will never get bored looking into them. He unlocks the door and I step inside. Because I've been here before several times I immediately open the fridge to get the pizza I know he has left over from earlier that night, I pour a glass of Coca Cola and sit on the counter top. I start eating he pizza and he drinks the coke. I give him a bite of the pizza and he moans. Fuck that's good I just laugh at him. It's insane how he can workout everyday and eat pizza everyday and still he looks this good. I take my jacket off and let it slide down on the floor he does the same. Suddenly I do something I never thought I would have the guts to. I tell him to close his eyes, he does as I say. Slowly I slide off my panties from underneath my skirt and I tell him to give me his hand. I put my panties in his open palm and I start giggling. He opens his eyes and smirks, he got the hint. He tells me to close my eyes, I do what he says. I hear him move and I feel him kissing me, he kisses my nose, my cheeks, my chin, my neck, my décolletage, he is standing in front of me and I feel he has no shirt on anymore. He says I don't like wearing clothes, and I don't like you wearing clothes. I put the pizza slice in my mouth and lift my hands above my head, he slides my tank top of and I still have my eyes closed but from the noises he makes I can tell he saw my boobs and that he likes what he sees. I hear him unbuckling his belt and jeans and I finally put the pizza on the counter top. Can I open my eyes? I ask, Yes he says in the same moment he slides me to the edge of the countertop and he says: I'm going to fuck you now, right here and then he pushes inside me. Thankfully I'm already wet and I've wanted this for a long time so I'm so ready for it, I just wasn't ready for how good it was going to feel. He fucks me on the countertop and we kiss, after a while he lifts me up and carries me to the bedroom. He slides out and opens my skirt so I can get out of it; he pulls his trousers down and tells me he wants me to ride him. He lays down on the bed and I tease him kissing his lips, kissing his neck, chest, every one of his abs (FYI 8 of them) and continue down towards his hips kissing both sides of it, sliding my tongue towards his junk and just as he holds his breath and angles his hip upwards I stop. I sit on top of him and he sits up smile wide on his face. I stand on my knees and he comes inside me. I push him onto the bed and start doing what I'm definitely very good at.

We fool around for a period of time and when he comes he asks if he can help me finish. He does, his tongue has been in the game for long for sure because he exactly know what to do to make me fall into a euphoric stage. We lay beside each other; we kiss and look at each other. We both lie on our sides and stare into each other’s eyes. We just lie there and he pulls me closer. I bury my head on his chest and I fall asleep in his arms.

I wake up from the sun shining in through the window. I feel his arm between my boobs and the other one is supporting my neck. I make my way out of his tight grip and turn around and look at him. He is so cute, gorgeous and I can't believe he is lying there next to me. But he does and I've never been so happy. He opens one eye and I close mine as soon as I can so he won't see I was staring at him. He kisses my forehead and closes his eyes. I open mine again and continue looking then he pulls me close and I fall back asleep.

to be continued....




hey Lovely people!

So yesterday I started watching a Netflix original series called "13 reasons why" . The series is about a girl called Hannah who goes to high school and it's the story about why she committed suicide. You get to follow her and a boy named Clay as he listens to tapes she has made before she kills herself. The tapes each describes a person or a reason why she killed herself. This may sound very depressing but it's actually a really good series which highlights a VERY VERY important topic!

Me, myself have had (and I am in now ) periods where I feel very depressed, sad, empty and like nothing will ever be good again but for me suicide has never been an option however bad I've been feeling. I've actually tried a few times when I was younger but I never went through with it because I was scared and to curious about things in life. Like what my kids will look like, what guy will end up becoming my husband and if I will reach my goals in life. But this series got me thinking about that actually young people, kids commit suicide more and more, and why that is?

It's a very foreign subject to me that I don't like to talk about because death scares me a lot but I think we should discuss this matter more.

Even if you are transgender, gay, straight, fat, skinny, normal, cute, not cute whatever, I believe there is a purpose for everyones life. I don't know what it is or why we live but I'm trying to imagine we all have a purpose if it is to be in other peoples lives or to help 1 person or if it is to just reproduce I don't know but what I do know is suicide is not an option people or at least it's not the best option you have there is always something you can do!




Other stuff

First of all!, Hello everyone! I hope you are enjoying reading my short stories so far?!?! I love writing them so I hope you like them too. Second of all I feel like it's too hard to write both in Swedish and english and somehow english is more sexy to me so should I just write in english? Comment down below !

Thank you sooo much for reading my stuff. And I hope you stay!

Love <3



Jag vaknar, kollar runt. Det är tomt, fan. Det var bara en till dröm. Jävla skit jag måste sluta ha sådana här drömmar. Men hur slutar man drömma när det enda man drömmer om är det man egentligen bara vill ha mest I hela världen?

Det enda jag kan tänka på är dig. Men det blir mindre och mindre varje dag. Jag lovar.

2 veckor senare….

Jag tänker inte på dig lika mycket längre. Du hör bara av dig när du får sexiga snapchats eller en occasional lycka till ! om jag skriver att jag har prov i skolan. Men jag har tryckt bort dig. Med flit. Jag har tvingat mig själv att inte känna något. Vi bor inte på samma ställe, det funkar liksom inte. Jag vet att jag måste gå vidare och trots att jag inte längre har samma känslor, kärlekskänslor så kan jag ändå inte släppa dig riktigt, jag kan inte göra mig av med känslan av att vi passar ihop, känslan av att jag kan fixa dig.

Den riktiga klyschan lever verkligen ut sitt spel och jag sitter tom i min lägenhet. Högen av plugg växer till sig och p pillren ligger framför mig. Ska jag börja ta dem eller inte? Jag väljer att ta ett piller. Aja vi testar väl.

På kvällen plingar min mobil till och lyser upp mitt rum. Jag ligger och kollar på en show på Netflix. Där på skärmen står bara en bokstav. Den första i ditt namn. Jag vågar inte ens öppna meddelandet. Jag bara stirrar på skärmen som att du kommer hoppa ut ur skärmen och dra med mig in tillbaka till helvetet.

” Jag vill ha dig ”

Inget mer står i smset. Jag fattar ingenting. Han sa precis att han inte kan ha en relation… tankarna snurrar i mitt huvud. Jag svarar bara med ett enkelt frågetecken.

”Kom hit, jag vill ha dig här. ”

”ok, jag kommer om 40 min max”

Jag går ut till badrummet, sminkar mig, lockar håret lite lätt och klär på mig något sexigt under en hoodie. Jag går ut i vardagsrummet och säger att jag har en bästa kompis emergency och att jag måste dra till min bästis och kommer hem imorgon. Pappa ger mig sitt busskort och ger mig en puss på pannan. Jag tar mina saker och går mot pendeltåget. 43 minuter senare står jag utanför hans dörr. Hjärtat i halsgropen och jag hör hur mitt hjärta slår. Jag ringer på och Han, med stort H öppnar. Han ler, fan. Jag kliver in och tar av mig hoodien. Kom, säger han och sträcker ut sin hand. - Kom med mig. Vi går och sätter oss i hans tv rum ingen annan är hemma och de kommer nog inte vara hemma heller senare ikväll. Vi sätter på en film bara första bästa på Netflix.

Spoiler alert: vi kommer inte kolla på filmen.

Jag lutar mig mot honom och han har armen runt mig och håller mig i handen. Snart trevar hans andra hand på min kropp. Jag vet vad det betyder, men jag säger inte ett ord inte han heller. Tillslut får jag fnatt. Jag sätter mig grensle över honom. Ska vi leka? Frågar jag lätt. Han nickar, ler och kysser mig, drar mig närmare. Vi börjar strula, han blir hård och jag känner hur hans stånd trycker mot mig. Jag älskar det. Jag älskar att känna hur upphetsad han blir. Jag blir också det. Jag öppnar mina jeans och hans hand slinker in. Hans fingrar jobbar rutinerat och jag är precis på kanten mellan att komma eller att inte när han drar dem ut. Vi hånglar fortfarande och jag glider ut ur mina jeans och drar ner hans. Jag sätter mig långsamt ner och känner hur hela han kommer i mig. Han ger ifrån sig ett högt stön och kysser mig.

sekunden senare är han ovanpå mig, nästa sekund sitter jag på en bänk i köket, minuten senare ligger jag på köksgolvet och skriker av att jag kommer. Jag andas ut. men vill såklart fortsätta. vi går upp till hans rum.

Jag vaknar, kollar runt. Det är tomt, fan. Det var bara en till dröm. eller? jag gnider mig i ögonen och ser att han ligger där. Jag ska precis gå upp ur sängen, när jag känner hans hand, och en trött röst säger Kom hit. han drar mig intill sig men han har inte ens öppnat ögonen. Jag måste kissa skrattar jag. Han släpper mig och låter mig gå. Jag går ut direkt in till vänster till toan och kissar. När jag kommer tillbaka har han iallfall öppnat ögonen. De stora bruna ögonen kollar på mig. Han ler lite på sne. Ger mig tecken, kom hit, ger mig tecken snurra runt. Jag gör som han ber mig. Sen lutar han sig tillbaka och säger: Fan vad jag älskar att se dig naken alltså. Jag ler och lägger mig i sängen...


I wake up, look around. It is empty, hell. It was just another dream. Holy shit, I have to stop having these kinds of dreams. But what if what you dream about is actually just what you want most in this world? 

The only thing I can think of is you. But it becomes less and less every day. I promise.

2 weeks later ....

I do not think of you much anymore. I only hear from you when you get sexy snapchats or an occasional good luck! if I write that I have test in school.  I have pushed you away. On purpose. I forced myself not to feel anything. We do not live in the same place, it won't work anyways. I know I must go on, and even though I no longer have the same emotions, love emotions for you I still can not let you go, I can not get rid of the feelings that we fit together, that I can fix you.

I'm sitting alone in my apartment. The anxiety is growing as I'm looking at the pills infront of me. Should I start taking them (the birthcontrol) or not? I choose to take a pill. ooh shit it can't hurt.

In the evening, there is a beep on my phone and it lights up my room as I'm laying there watching Netflix. There on the screen is just a letter. The first in your name. I don't even dare to open the message. I'm just staring at the screen.

" I want you "

No more standing in the text. I do not understand anything. He just said that he can not have a relationship ... thoughts spinning in my head. I answer with a simple question mark.

"Come here, I want you here. "

I answer: "OK, I'll be there in 40 minutes, max"

I go out to the bathroom, put on make up, curl my hair lightly and dress in something sexy underneath my hoodie. I go out into the living room and say I have a best friend emergency and that I have to go to my best friend and come home tomorrow. Dad gives me his bus card and gives me a kiss on my forehead. I take my things and go towards the commuter train. 43 minutes later I'm standing outside his door. My heart in my throat and I hear how my heart beats. I ring the bell and he, with a large H opens. He smiles, fuck...  I step in and take off my hoodie. Come on, he says, stretching out his hand. - Come with me. We go and sit in his TV room. No one else is home and they probably will not be home either later tonight. We put on a movie just the first best on Netflix.

Spoiler alert: we will not watch the movie.

I lean against him and he has his arm around me and holding my hand. Soon,  his second hand is on my body. I know what it means, but I do not say a word, not him either. Eventually I go crazy. I sit on top of him. Do you want to play? I ask lightly. He nods, smiles and kisses me, pulling me closer. We begin to make out, he gets hard and I feel his manhood pressing against me. I love it. I love to feel how excited he gets. I'm also getting wet. I open my jeans and his hand slips in. His fingers work like on a routine and I'm right on the edge between coming and not when he pulls them out. We still kiss and I slip out of my jeans and pull down his. I sit down, slowly, and feel the whole of him coming inside me. He lets out a loud moan and kisses me.

seconds later he's on top of me.  the next second I sit on a bench in the kitchen, minutes later, I lie on the kitchen floor and scream that I will come. I breathe out. but I want of course to continue. we go up to his room.

I wake up, look around. It is empty, hell. It was just another dream. or? I rub my eyes and see that he is there. I'm just getting out of bed, when I feel his hand, and a tired voice saying: Come here. He pulls me to him but he has not even opened his eyes. I have to pee, I laugh. He releases me and lets me go. I go directly to the left to the toilet. When I come back, he at least has his eyes open. His big brown eyes look at me. He smiles a little at me. Gives me the sign, to come here. Stops and gives me another sign, spin around. I do as he asks me. Then he leans back hands behind his neck and says: Damn, I love to see you naked. 

I smile and lay down beside him.



Short stories

Jag vaknar upp och ser honom sova lugnt bredvid mig, jag ligger lutad mot hans bröst och han håller om mig. Vi ligger båda helt nakna och har bara sovit några timmar, solen är inte ens uppe utan vintermörkret omsluter hela staden och träden utanför mitt fönster ser ut som läskiga figurer därutanför. Jag kan inte tänka, han får mig att sluta tänka och sluta oroa mig, han gör mig lugn, men han är inte bra för mig, trots det.

Jag vänder mig bort, jag måste hålla focus. Få inte känslor intalar jag mig själv, få inte några jävla känslor för honom. Men för en sekund glider mitt sinne iväg till det vi just gjorde, till hur våra kroppar passar perfekt i varandra, hur hans kropp känns mot min. Jag lägger ansiktet i kudden och precis då vänder hans sig och blir min stora sked, han lägger en arm under min nacke och tar den andra runt mig, drar mig närmare sig, lägger ansiktet i mitt hår, han andas in, tar min hand och trycker den hårt. Shit, jag vet att det är försent, jag suckar och försöker somna, men det går inte. Från och med nu vare sig han vet eller inte är har han förevigats i mitt sinne, han finns alltid i mina tankar och det är bortom min kontroll.

Timmar senare vaknar jag och rummet osar, jag andas in en blandning av svett, alkohol och hans parfym, jag får sjuk syrebrist och börjar få lite lätt panik. Jag vill gå ut därifrån, jag måste gå iväg, jag måste tänka. Han gör mig galen. Jag vill gå upp ur sängen, men hans hand tar tag i mig, han drar mig in. Vart ska du då? Säger han och drar mig mot sig. Han kysser mig. Jag lägger mig ovanpå honom, han fryser till för en sekund, jag börjar gnida mig mot hans kön och han ger ifrån sig ett vagt stön, vinklar huvudet bakåt och jag kysser hans hals. Kom, viskar jag och tar hans hand. Jag drar med honom till badrummet, går in i duschen och sätter på vattnet, han tar av sig sin klocka och känner på vattnet, kallt säger han och ser ledsen ut, jag ökar på värmen och drar in honom i duschen. Vi kysser varandra, tar på varandra. Känner hela honom. Mitt huvud är blankt, svart. Jag tar schampo och börjar tvätta håret, han tvättar sitt, men tar sina händer och masserar mitt huvud. Vi sköljer ut, jag tar lite balsam och börjar sen smörja in kroppen med tvål och han lägger huvudet på sned, får inte jag? Jag ler och ger honom tvål och han börjar tvåla in mig, jag tvålar in honom, vi skrattar lite, kysser varandra, kollar i varandras ögon, jag försvinner, han är så vacker. Han är så underbar. Men jag kan inte.

Ute ur duschen och vi lägger oss i sängen igen, jag ligger halvt på hans mage och kollar på honom, han håller på med mobilen. Du, jag borde gå, mina föräldrar kommer fråga vart jag har varit. Neeej inte än säger jag och håller ner honom, han ger mig en puss och håller mig. Efter några minuter går vi dock upp, han börjar gå runt i rummet och leta efter sina kläder, går ut i lägenheter och plockar upp plaggen som han lämnat som ett spår på vägen mot mitt rum. Vart fan är mina strumpor säger han högt från vardagsrummet. Jag skrattar, haha det vet väl inte jag svara jag tillbaka. Jag kollar mig i spegeln, inte en enda tanke kommer upp i mitt huvud. Jag drar fram en oversized sweater och tar inte ens på mig bh, jag drar på mig ett par gamla jeans och sätter håret i en bulle.

Jag går med honom till stationen, han röker en cigg, vi småpratar och jag känner mig obekväm, jag vill bara ligga i en säng med honom hela dagen och det känns konstigt att han nu bara ska gå. Kommer jag ens träffa honom igen? Vi pussar och kramar hejdå och han går in på stationen, jag vänder och går. Jag ringer min bästis och börjar snyfta medan det piper i luren.

När hon svarar i telefonen är jag så normal jag kan vara i rösten, jag berättar vad som hände och är noga med att inte försöka lägga de miljontals olika känslor som kommer till mig trycka ned henne eller oroa henne. Hon ska inte behöva ta tag i det. Vi lägger på, och plötsligt som en blixt slår alla tankar ner. Vad fan har jag gjort.

När jag kommer hem lägger jag mig i sängen och mina lakan luktar som han luktar. Ed Sheerans låt ”Shape of You” börjar spela, jag andas in dofterna från lakanen, kudden och Ed sjunger 

” I’m in love with the shape of you
We push and pull like a magnet do
Although my heart is falling too
I’m in love with your body
And last night you were in my room
And now my bed sheets smell like you
Every day discovering something brand new
I’m in love with your body”

Jag börjar gråta...

Men snart tar jag tag och lyfter mig själv i kragen. Upp skit i honom, han är ändå en idiot precis som tjejerna sa igår. Jag börjar ta bort lakanen, fixar och städar hela lägenheten men kan inte riktigt släppa taget.

Några timmar går, min skärm lyser upp och hans namn står mitt på skärmen. Fuck.

I wake up and see him sleeping quietly beside me, I'm leaning against his chest and he holds me. We are both completely naked and we have only slept for a few hours, the sun is not even up yet and the winter darkness envelops the entire city and the trees outside my window look like scary characters outside. I can not think, he makes me unable to think straight and he makes me stop worrying, he makes me calm but despite that he is still not good for me.

I turn away, I have to keep focus. Do not get feelings I tell myself, do not get some fucking feelings for him. But for a second my mind flies away to what we just did, how our bodies fit perfectly together, how his body feels against mine. I put my face in the pillow and turn over and he does so too becoming my big spoon. He puts an arm under my neck and take the other around me, pulling me closer to him, putting his face in my hair, he breathes in, taking my hand and pressing it hard. Shit, I know it's too late, I sigh and try to fall asleep, but it is not possible. From now on, whether he knows or not, he is immortalized in my mind, he is always in my mind and it's beyond my control.

Hours later, I wake up and the room oozes, I breathe in a mixture of sweat, alcohol, and his perfume, I get sick and the lack of oxygen hits me and I begin to get a little panicked. I want to go out from there, I have to go away, I need to think. He makes me mad. I want to get out of bed, but his hand grabs me, pulls me in. Where are you going then? He says and pulls me toward him. He kisses me. I lie on top of him, he freezes for a second, I start rubbing myself against him and he gives off a vague moan, he angles his neck backwards exposing his neck and I start kissing his neck. Come with me, I whisper, and take his hand. I pull him to the bathroom, go into the shower and turn on the water, he takes off his watch and feels the water, it's cold he says looking like a sad puppy, I increase the heat and pull him into the shower. We kiss each other, touch each other. I touch him all over.. I take the shampoo and begin to wash my hair, he washes his, but takes his hands and rubs my head. We rinse out, I take a little bit of conditioner and begin to take some soap to clean my body. He tilts his head can I do that? he asks. I smile and give him the soap and he begins to cover me in soap, I soaping him, we laugh a little, kiss each other, watch each other's eyes, I disappear, he's so beautiful. He's so wonderful. But I can't.

When we get out of the shower we go to the bed. I lay half on his stomach and look at him, he's on his phone. You know I should go, my parents will ask where I've been. Nooo not yet, I say, and hold him down, he gives me a kiss and holds me. After a few minutes, we go up, he begins to walk around the room and look for his clothes, he goes out towards the living room picking up the clothes he left as a trail going towards my bedroom. Where the hell are my socks he says loudly from the living room. I laugh, ha ha, I don't know I answer. I look at myself in the mirror, not a single thought comes into my head. I pull up an oversized sweater and do not even put a bra on, I put on an old pair of jeans and put my hair in a bun.

I go with him to the station, he smokes a cigarette, we are chatting and I feel uncomfortable, I want to just lie in bed with him all day and it feels strange that he is just leaving. Will I even see him again? We kiss and hug goodbye and he goes into the station, I turn and go. I'll call my best friend and begin to sob while I listen to the beeps coming out of my phone.

When she answers the phone, I'm as normal as I can be in my voice, I tell her what happened and I'm careful not to try to put the millions of different emotions that come to me depress her or worry her. She should not have to deal with it. We hang up, and suddenly as lightning strikes, all my thoughts come tumbling down. What the hell have I done.

When I get home I lie in bed and my bed sheets smell like he smells. Ed Sheerans song "Shape of You" begins to play, I breathe in the smell of the sheets, the pillow and Ed sings

"I'm in love with the shape of you
We push and pull like a magnet do
Although my heart is falling too
I'm in love with your body
And last night you were in my room
And now my bed sheets smell like you
Every day discovering something brand new
I'm in love with your body "

I start to cry....

but minutes later I pull myself together and stand up. Fuck him, he is an idiot just like the girls told me yesterday. I start to remove the sheets from the bed, clean up the entire apartment but I still can't quite let go.

A few hours pass by, and I look at my phone.

A message pops up and I see his name on the screen. Fuck.