If I push you away, no matter how hard I try, please stay. You are needed more than you think you are. Go away means please stay. I don't need you means please help me. I'm surrounded in this oblivion and I don't know how to get out. I'm trapped and you're my light. You can help me. . . but you're gone just like that. Like it's never mattered. Sleep helps. . .That's a lie. Just rest and you'll be fine. . .It doesn't work that way. You don't make it through until your mind tells you to,
You're stuck in a place where nobody can help you unless your conscious lets them in. It's hard as all hell even though it's just the sign of the times. When help is needed you try to reach out. But asking for help is harder than it seems. Asking for help is telling someone to fuck off and be mad at them for the smallest of things. You get asked what's wrong but how can you speak with a hand covering your mouth, terrified with a knife to your throat. "I'm fine" is all that arises. But you're not fine. You're dying inside but how? why? who knows? not me that's for sure.
Your "friends" are convinced that you're fine and disappear, or carry on about something else. Little do they know what is truely happening. You're still not acting normal to them and they ask again. Except this time you snap and they leave. . .wondering where you went wrong in all of this. Not knowing that you're stuck in the darkness that is the enemy. It's like the devil has gotten a hold of me and won't let go. I'm trapped in a void that I can't escape and when I reach out for help, I get dragged in deeper. It's all wrong... nothing works. . . everyone's gone. . .
it's the hardest thing you know? Watching the ones you love and want to help you just fade away for a while when all you wanted was their help. But of course you couldn't tell them that because the devil had a hold of you. . . and he's not letting go.
''' You're completely blind intros moments. I don't remember anything that happened let alone the messages I sent. But when I'm out of it, I know when I fucked up with you. I get this disgusting feeling, , , no, worse. I want to cry, scream, die. . . It feels like my heart has just been hit with a hammer and it's shattered everywhere. . . It hurts me as much as it hurts you. . . I can't bare it as much as you. Sometimes I have an attack after attack after attack. . . I hate it and I know how much you do too, but these things I cannot help. I can't control these things and it's hard because I don't know where I went wrong. . . I don't remember what I did but I know I did something to hurt you and I never meant it. . . '''''