Tjenare! Idag ska jag skriva något lite annorlunda. Senast har jag läst många psykologiska böcker och jag har kommit till slutsatsen att jag behöver avslutning med en av mina vänner. Under hela denna resa har jag tappat många vänner, och fick också många i gengäld. Jag har inget att vara upprörd om, jag är den lyckligaste jag någonsin har varit i mitt liv, men för att kunna gå fram emot emotionellt tycker jag att det är bra att man har avslutning, speciellt i en toxisk situation.
I wanted to write this to you because I still think about you. All the time. And it sucks. We were like sisters (at least to me) and winning your attention was difficult. When we were in high school I should have listened to my parents who told me this friendship wasn't a two way street. I should have listened to my other friends who told me the same thing. Our friendship was toxic and I was too blind and misguided to see it.
With you, I felt safe, I felt like I was in a group, something special and elite and that made me feel like I was someone. I had so much love for you and would have moved mountains for you. I know now that this was unhealthy and most of my friendships were but yours was the most poisonous. Being friends with you was difficult. I constantly needed a reason to talk to you and because of this, I lied. A LOT. This was not your fault. A lot of the issues I deal with today were in me already, but you just enhanced them. With you I felt anxious all the time. I was terrified you would find out my lies. I kept this lie up for 7 years and I'm not proud. But it was the only way you would talk to me. And then I bought you so many things. I bought you new phones, Uggs, clothes, food, paid for your phone bill for 2 years...This was both of our faults. I should have had more self respect for myself and accepted the fact that you and I would have NEVER been close if I didn't have something to offer you. I should have never put you up on a pedestal. You should have told me no. You should have just told me I was good enough as is. But you didn't.
When I met my boyfriend, you grew hostile. You were angry with me all the time, you stopped talking to me, turned your friends on me. You were an acid queen (something you were in high school too, which is why I also feared you) and I was tired of kissing your ass so I snapped. I gave up apologizing for falling in love (and if you were a true friend you would have supported me), I ignored your hateful jabs and let you go.
A year later we found our way back and I was stronger this time. I no longer wanted to keep up the lie. I was honest with you about a lot of things. And you were sort of honest with me. I thought we were friends again. But we weren't, It was the same old thing. One night you asked me for a ride to a concert with your friend in Poughkeepsie and I said yes. I don't know why I did honestly. I was pissed that I didn't get to go to the concert too. I was mad that I had to spend money I didn't have to pay tolls on bridges. I was angry that you invalidated my relationship with my boyfriend. I was furious that you told me I was wasting my time on someone who lives in Sweden and that he was probably just some creepy dude who was going to hack my body into pieces and sell it on the black market. But...Out of all this anger I was sad. No. I was in a pit of despair and it was because I wanted to have a friend. I'm sad that it couldn't be you, but now that we have spent so much time apart I'm able to see the truth. 90% of our friendship was based on me giving you stuff, when we talked on the phone it was always about you.
But, the remaining 10% was genuine. I think back to the times when we used to talk about assholes at work or school while driving in my car. All the times when it felt like it was you and I against the world. Concerts we've been too and singing along to all our favorite music...Every time I listen to "Grenade Jumper", "Chicago is so two years ago" "Say anything else" and "Grand theft autumn" I think of you intensely. I am instantly transported back to the early 2000's where we were singing this stuff like crazy people while driving. Anytime I listen to Panic! At the disco I remember screaming the "Slut!" part with you and it drives a knife into my heart...
I was your friend man. I was the one who had your back. Remember when you got ridiculously wasted at M.C. and everyone went to bed and you were trying to sleep with A in his bed? Who do you think got you into your bed? Me. I dragged your sorry, sobbing, drunk ass to bed. Then you got mad, cried and locked me out. I slept on the fucking floor that night. In the morning you were hung over and angry at A. I think you were angry with me too actually, although you would never admit it. When we figured out the sleeping arrangements it was obvious he didn't want to share a bed with you. We were all telling you that he was not interested, so you got paired up with me because your cousin called sleeping on the pull-out with A.
When I drove you and your friend back home from that concert you talked about me being in love with you and how you always knew. I didn't speak up that night. I let you have your way because from experience I know that talking against you wouldn't have done any good. I was never in love with you. I never wanted you as anything more than a sister. A friend. Someone who wouldn't leave me when shit got heavy. I loved you like family. And when I was finally happy and found someone that I loved as a partner, someone I saw myself being with forever, you just completely cut me off.
I wish things were different. I wish that our friendship wasn't so toxic. I wish that you could have stayed in my life and supported me like I supported you. I wish we could have seen one more concert together. I wish that you would have been happy for me. I thought what we had was sisterhood. But it wasn't. I'm disappointed when I think about it but because after those rides I gave you we stopped talking, then you texted me a few months later asking if I had some books to loan to one of your friends. I said no and then no more texts. One text one day after my birthday. Then nothing. Next year you texted me two weeks after my birthday. And then nothing. Next year came and went. Still nothing. 3 years ago I messaged you and said I wanted to hang out with you because I missed you, I missed having a friend and I needed some girl time to hangout. You messaged me back with a half-hearted sounding "Yea! I'll let you know when I'm free" and then nothing.
When it was FINALLY time for me to move to Sweden to be with Johan I tried to make time for everyone I wanted to see. I advertised on Facebook that I would be leaving in December and that everyone who wanted to hangout with me should message me so we could make plans. I was secretly hoping you would be one of those people who wanted to wish me off. I had fantasized that you would apologize for how cold you were and that you knew I was your best friend and that you were sorry for how you acted. But nothing. Now all I'm left with is bitter memories good and bad and a new understanding of how bad you were for me.
I'm sorry for everything and I wish you were too.