"Broken bottles in the hotel lobby
Seems to me like I'm just scared of never feeling it again
I know it's crazy to believe in silly things
But it's not that easy"
It's coming back, thanks to Facebook, I recall what was going on in my life this time last summer. I had no place to go, physical fights and new people. Familiar faces with different intentions. Literally living in my backpack, I was lost, a different kind of lost. I also remember the moments i started finding myself. It might've started when he started showing me what it was like to be happy again, how a single person does not stands for your happiness. It might've just been another act of impulse, I don't know. The point is, this person showed me more than I asked for. Now that I look back, I do not regret a single thing.
I was invited to a fifteen out of the blue. I hadn't attended one in years, it was around 10 pm, the person I was staying with wasn't home. I was always left at home alone, not literally but i wasn't allowed to leave and hang out with MY friends. It irritated me so much that I took the risk, I sneaked out around 12:30 a.m. party ended around 1 a.m. I was suppose to go home, instead he parked in the nearest parking lot. We had a long conversation that lasted till 5 a.m. I had forgotten what it was like to meet someone and have a friend, to actually feel 'alive' and the feeling - probability of getting in trouble is weirdly satisfying. I didn't care much if I got caught but that night was one of the few I won't ever forget. I'm a night owl, sadly. Long drives at night are very enjoyable especially with company. The only company that I've ever had at night was another night owl, great taste in music, amazing skills and man the brains he tried to hide. He was new, I had just met him too.
The routine rides home during marching season turned into sleep overs and then random drives to places in the middle of the night. One of my favorites was when he spontaneously said, lets go to Galveston it was 1 in the morning!! Even though we had school at 7 am that same morning, I agreed. We left at one-thirty got there around two-ish - three. Have you ever had a beach to yourself with a grand view of the night sky? Let me tell you, it is -to this day- the most amazingly beautiful view I had ever encountered. The waves at our feet crashing against the rocks and the wind blowing, man. No words could describe how it made me feel.. We ended up leaving at 5 am with just enough time to go to his place and get ready for school with no sleep. Those mornings became routine too, as you recall me saying this kid is smart as hell. He'd help me with the subject I dreaded most my senior year, Pre-calculus. Those sleep overs involved Pre-cal, conversations, along with advice and comfort off topic.
It was until things started happening that those helpful morning were no longer a part of my day. I started dreading going to school, problems occurred and drama followed. Band was some sort of escape, because I wasn't very much liked but I loved the music so I didn't care for them.. He was also a part of why I enjoyed my senior year, as a composer and multi-talented there was never a dull moment with this guy. I started falling for him the minute he put me ahead of himself, no task was ever impossible and at times i felt like finally it was okay to let go, to lose myself in the music. So I did, those few months were amazing, winter came along with another story to tell.
Not many know, it saddens me at times but if it wasn't for him I literally wouldn't be here breathing. I have him to thank for that. On November of last year, apart from the little great things, I couldn't anymore... the pressure and the constant accusations, the let downs and the drama, it weighted me down to the point where I didn't want to live on this earth anymore. So i made a choice that night as I sat in am empty house that was my home, the one I grew up in. I texted two people that night, one whom mean a lot to me before , that gave up on me easily. There's times where we believe so hard a person will change for the better but they never prove us to be right. He practically told me to go ahead and off myself, that it didn't matter and I was bluffing anyway. That pulled the trigger right there and i knew there was no way back. The second is this person who even at work checked up on me and dedicated his time to me. I kind of owe this second person my life, he eventually became my number one without acknowledgment.
That night the guy that was at work, rushed to my mothers home, where he stayed with me all night making sure i wasn't gone for good. That night he also taught me a lesson, one i will never forget. The person you just met , that means the world to you in such short time, may as well be the greatest gift ever brought into your life. Never doubt someone who means so much good, never take a person - no matter how hard - for granted, you may never get a second chance again and end up regretting it.
He took from the same bottle i had, a hand full of pills. Swallowed them as i did, there was no going back. Only time would tell, and it did. That night he stayed with me and made sure i didn't fall asleep no matter how much i begged him, he insisted that my life was precious as any other human beings. As i faded into sleep he caressed my face and kissed my forehead, told me everything would be okay and as he whispered those words into the silent house, i got up started walking and puked on my kitchen floor as we both realized what had happened he rushed me to the bathroom and held my hair back as this disgusting smell reeked from my mouth. He tied my hair up on great attempts after he washed me up and changed my clothes, and i knew that it was now my turn to return the favor.
He wasn't getting better that night, wasn't throwing up the gunk and i was much more worried about him than i was exhausted. We had school the following Monday from Thanksgiving break and it didn't matter to me, he begged me to wait the next day and night fall came, on more day with more symptoms and still nothing. Eventually i suggested i drive him to the Emergency room and he was hesitant. I begged as well and we agreed, i drove him there. School was in a few hours, when we arrived they needed an adult, fuck, i thought to myself. I didn't think that far and with his history i was scared more for him than anything, but i loved the guy. I wasn't going to wait any longer, so he made up a story while they made him change and put IV into his arm. Eventually he called his parents hours later, his blood levels looked better than when we came in. I was so happy, that nothing worse had occurred and that he was able to leave the hospital without any more doctors breathing down his back and have a few days resting to recover.
As for me well, no one really ever found out about my incident and no one ever knew how much he means to me.
~~~~ weeks later ~~~~
It use to be very different months back, it was like i could live without you but i couldn't at the same time. it was like i needed you to be in my life because you took up a very important part in it, you still kind of are and to see those words in a text saying that it meant nothing really broke me down, and i didn't want to say anything because right now in my life i'm just not okay. right now in my life i'm just trying to be okay in the eyes of everyone and its not right to be doing these things.
i wish i could go back and fix things but we learn from our mistakes and its something that we have to go through. i keep coming back i keep going back to you because i know that you're good i know you mean good , you always put everyone else's needs and wants ahead of yourself and i know you're taken for granted , i know you want to feel the same thing as me but you don't want to open up, you refuse to speak and have a deep conversation. i think i know why, its all my fault but i need to open up in any way i can.. to you.
i just miss you being so nice to me, miss the things you use to do for me that no one else would. i miss talking to you, miss being able to roll over and fall into your arms after a nightmare. i miss how you would entwine your legs with mine during our sleep and how you hand always wrapped around my lower back. i just miss everything and if i could go back i would, i would blame you less and take credit for my own mistakes. i would help you more and i did so many wrong things, i lost a lot of friends, lost him and lost you but if i would've stayed with you till now, who knows if you would've done the same thing to me.
i keep my guard up now and i act like i don't care and i don't care but i do care and it eats me up inside every day and to say my life has been crazy, its just so crazy i just want to be okay, i want to feel okay. i need to gather myself up, i need to be alone, like the way you left me. its bad to need someone i know that, bad to need someone who makes you feel so much better. long drives at night reminds me of you, drives home after work remind me of you, blasting music like a crazy person going eighty miles an hour reminds me of you. the cuts on my thighs and the drawings i do remind me of you, remind me of everything i have done wrong this past year. its gonna be a year, a year since i drew those six slits on my left thigh and those six scars have a meaning, i hate the meaning so clearly and i remember that morning.. i hate feeling used, i hate being used, hate feeling helpless and i hate it all.
i love the way you're a perfectionist, the way you think and how you use to acknowledge me, the way your words fall into the air like a melody you write. those are part of the reason why i fell in love with you, and i don't mean to fall in love, i don't need to fall in love right now i need to fall in love with myself, not with you. not with everything you use to do and everything you do behind closed doors, i guess i just hate myself and i love myself. these past few months have been very hard for me, reality kicks in and i have no one by my side, not really. i hate being alone, i hate not being wanted and i guess that's why i have six cuts instead of two, i don't want to add another one. i don't want to be that girl i don't want the drama to start again and i don't want to say anything i want to keep it to myself. less drama, less complications.
Just a-b conversation that sticks to one direction, but a kind of wants b to be on the same page. i know everything isn't right in this world and i know that, maybe one day well cross paths again, and we'll see eye to eye but right now there's not much going on and i know i need to distance myself again and gather myself up right before.. it all goes crazy. I don't know what happened when i recorded this voice message but i do know i logged out of all social media, and telling myself i need space from everyone. i need to get away and go missing, from everyone.. including you, even though you wouldn't know or care for that matter but i do miss, i do love, i do cherish every moment unlike i use to in the past.
"High hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, oh,
And the world keeps spinning"