Lust, that's really where it started. You tried to show me love, you tried to love me and somehow you did succeed for a second because i wasn't really good at that. I start to think that maybe it was my fault, because i let it happen. The nights where we communicated about our past relationship, the main one that took place. Everything we went through, the pain we went through brought us together, our wounds never really healed, did they? Every time we would leave one alone another would be cut open by one of our mistakes and misunderstandings. We were never in a million years meant to be we just happened. We were just a lesson in each others lives, just a set back to what you really needed. Making you realize that there's beauty in things even after natural disasters hit, me being the disaster. You just have to be able to go through it, handle it and there's more to life than just living. I'm just happy you've found someone, as amazing i guess and "loving" as her. I'm happy we're past that point in our lives, where we no longer cross paths.
It's crazy to me that, I no longer need someone to be happy. It's crazy to me that , I love you so much but I don't need you as I thought I did. Its crazy because I realized it today, watching you miss me , watching you attend to me and kiss me repeatedly without me begging. It's crazy because now that you're realizing it, you need me more than I need you, you miss and love me more now that I'm miles away doing my own thing rather than when I was on your chest laying down watching tv shows and eating .. No doubt i fucking miss you, i still love you regardless and i may reminisce on what we could've been if we had just gotten shit together years back.
I was just fine, before you started talking to me again and i still am, it hasn't affected me at all. It's just you want me as badly as I wanted you months back, better yet, years back. You want me as badly because you realize now the things I've done for you? The things I would do for you still? You run to the best thing you ever had, me. I don't meant that to sound cocky or anything but i gave my all to you for four years, I loved you unconditionally. Although we never changed our minds about having kids together because it's something we both look forward to. Building a family together and me helping you be a better person for yourself, for us. We both know what haunts us at night, we know our biggest dreams, we know what makes us happy and what boils our blood. We know what's best for one another and maybe that's why we are meant to be. Maybe that's why we come back every time the seasons are right. I don't hate you one bit, do i think you need to make up your mind? Yes, but we have been through this so many times i would think you would have your mind made up this time.
Five years of knowing you, a roller coaster ride, my very favorite as i described in a post on Facebook once. It hasn't been all bad i know that much, from date nights and surprising me on my birthday, to me ever attending ONE of your baseball games, but hey i tried right? To sneaking out of my mom's house to see you, then you supporting me in band. To me and your mom conjuring your surprise birthday, then bringing me up when family or friends brought me down and to being the first person I was truly madly in love with. By far, i do not regret ever loving you, ever forgiving you, or ever meeting you. One thing is for sure, I really wish we could go back to everything we ever were, when people would admire our relationship and think to themselves how we ever became a couple or like that summer we went to Florida with you dad's family, gosh! Was that trip amazing, it was just what we needed, i just wish we could live there in that moment forever, but life isn't a fairy tale. We had our ups and downs, over the course of those four years. Living with you, folding clothes with you, taking occasional showers together, waking up every morning next to the love of my life. Getting ready for school was the worst, mainly because i'm no where near a morning person and you'd haul my ass out of bed just to get dressed so we wouldn't miss the bus. You encouraged me to stay in school, taught me various lessons about family and i admire your wisdom, sometimes i wish you'd take your own advice and settle down.. with me, but that's just my opinion.
We don't understand exactly why, we ended up together. Why we keep coming back, but there's a line that you did say that i find rhetorically funny. Something you told me nights ago when we met up again and five years ago when we met, that opposites attract, true like a magnet we collide when in range, more like our feelings for each other do. I don't want to be taken as a joke. I want to be taken seriously, and you say you know what I want but do you really know what I want? You don't list your wants out loud like me, and I want you to, I need you to. More than anything before I let myself fall head over heels and end up looking stupid.. again. I don't want that to happen i don't want to be picking up the pieces all over again if i am wrong about us this time, hopefully i'm not wrong. Hopefully you're being true and faithful this time, and i'm just keeping my guard up because i'm prepared for anything. You're still dating someone else, technically and it's not fair for her just like its not fair for me either. I want better, i'm hoping for better and change. If you can't change your bad habits then I feel sorry for you, it's going to be sad to watch you walk away but i know my worth now. I won't settle for less, i know what i want, i know what i deserve, and i'm learning to love myself, all by myself. I just hope you know my worth too, because I've showed you over and over, I've forgiven you countless of times. Even when you cheated, even when you lied, even when you abused my trust. I have my faults too, very deep ones, like you.. but let's not keep track please.
I still don't get it, be the man you want to be, i will help you as you help me grow too. Trust me when i say i will never leave your side, if you allow and make up your mind we will be in this together for a life time. Trust me baby and believe that we can be one again and make all our dreams into reality in a matter of time. Together we're the best there ever was, but we also create dysfunction. Look at the bright side, we can be a beautiful disaster if it all goes well my love..