" We're just playing hide and seek. It's getting hard to breathe under the sheets with you. I don't want to play no games. I'm tired of always chasing, chasing after you. "

Don't you fucking dare say you love me! Don't you dare say you need me! Don't you dare say you desire my touch, because actions speak louder than words. I trust actions over words, yet i love the words you whisper in my ear and i see in text. I'm a fucking sucker for you, you know that already! You're the fucking lucky one, not me. You don't have to fight over me because I do sacrifice for you and I'm not exactly appealing. I'm such a fool in love, in the past I've been blinded by my love for you. I'd let everything slide and I'd forgive every action that showed me you didn't want me seriously. I would ignore the fact that I was with someone who did not give me their full attention and commitment. I was with someone who was selfish and was lost in his own world, leaving me and my feelings out of it all.

Maybe one day, we'll both grow but with the secrets that you keep, we're not going to grow, we're not going anywhere. All I've ever done was be honest you to, nothing but open to you. You're the only person that knows what i want, what i need. I know that after last year, after senior year you can't really open up to me. Remember those nights when we'd stay up, sometimes we wouldn't even sleep but we would talk about our problems and what bothers us, we'd confront each other every other week. We'd comfort each other because it isn't good to keep it in, it isn't good to stay quiet. Since you've been gone i don't open up, I've been just that... quiet about everything. You're the only person who knows my deepest secrets, my deepest fears. You're the only person that knows what i really want out of life. For some reason we never work because of me, because of you. We're both so fucking stubborn, we're both stuck in our ways ; maybe if we change, maybe if we try, we can be something great again. As of today we are not great, we.. i don't even know what we are to each other anymore.

What if it's a lust connection as well but no you see.. we connect in multiple ways where no one else understands us, that scare people when they find out that we start talking again. Everyone thinks they know what's best for us, for ourselves. Even if you do love me, even if you say that i'm the love of your life. Why don't yo show it? Why don't you greatly appreciate what I've done. Why don't we just set out wrongs on the table and try to solve them. Try to see where it split in the middle and then look past them. Only because half the time it wasn't even me, it was only that ONE year.. out of our three.

You always left me in the summer and then when school started you thought it was okay to come back, every single year. And you know? sometimes i get tired of it, sometimes i don't want do this anymore, but then i think to myself "maybe he'll learn, maybe he'll actually show how he feels towards me." Yet I think I'm just lying to myself about getting over you, about moving on. I can't really say that I'm happy with you , with the way you have me on a string, but I am happy with how im accomplishing things on my own. How im doing great without you, and it sucks because at one point I thought it was me who needed you. All I needed to do was find something to occupy myself with, to fill the void, to waste my time on, to not think of you anymore. Yet, you still text and I have no problem texting back. I miss you don't get me wrong, but show me that you miss me too. I drive to you, but do you to me? I still stay up some night and just think of why I do it, why I still have you in my life.. it's because I haven't found a person who's filled my heart and desires like you, I do indeed love you with my whole heart.


"You know I give a fuck about you everyday. Guess it's time that I tell you the truth. If I share my toys, will you let me stay?Don't want to leave this play date with you ."

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Lust, that's really where it started. You tried to show me love, you tried to love me and somehow you did succeed for a second because i wasn't really good at that. I start to think that maybe it was my fault, because i let it happen. The nights where we communicated about our past relationship, the main one that took place. Everything we went through, the pain we went through brought us together, our wounds never really healed, did they? Every time we would leave one alone another would be cut open by one of our mistakes and misunderstandings. We were never in a million years meant to be we just happened. We were just a lesson in each others lives, just a set back to what you really needed. Making you realize that there's beauty in things even after natural disasters hit, me being the disaster. You just have to be able to go through it, handle it and there's more to life than just living. I'm just happy you've found someone, as amazing i guess and "loving" as her. I'm happy we're past that point in our lives, where we no longer cross paths.

~~~~~~

It's crazy to me that, I no longer need someone to be happy. It's crazy to me that , I love you so much but I don't need you as I thought I did. Its crazy because I realized it today, watching you miss me , watching you attend to me and kiss me repeatedly without me begging. It's crazy because now that you're realizing it, you need me more than I need you, you miss and love me more now that I'm miles away doing my own thing rather than when I was on your chest laying down  watching tv shows and eating .. No doubt i fucking miss you, i still love you regardless and i may reminisce on what we could've been if we had just gotten shit together years back. 

I was just fine, before you started talking to me again and i still am, it hasn't affected me at all. It's just you want me as badly as I wanted you months back, better yet, years back. You want me as badly because you realize now the things I've done for you? The things I would do for you still? You run to the best thing you ever had, me. I don't meant that to sound cocky or anything but i gave my all to you for four years, I loved you unconditionally. Although we never changed our minds about having kids together because it's something we both look forward to. Building a family together and me helping you be a better person for yourself, for us. We both know what haunts us at night, we know our biggest dreams, we know what makes us happy and what boils our blood. We know what's best for one another and maybe that's why we are meant to be. Maybe that's why we come back every time the seasons are right. I don't hate you one bit, do i think you need to make up your mind? Yes, but we have been through this so many times i would think you would have your mind made up this time. 

Five years of knowing you, a roller coaster ride, my very favorite as i described in a post on Facebook once. It hasn't been all bad i know that much, from date nights and surprising me on my birthday, to me ever attending ONE of your baseball games, but hey i tried right? To sneaking out of my mom's house to see you, then you supporting me in band. To me and your mom conjuring your surprise birthday, then bringing me up when family or friends brought me down and to being the first person I was truly madly in love with. By far, i do not regret ever loving you, ever forgiving you, or ever meeting you. One thing is for sure, I really wish we could go back to everything we ever were, when people would admire our relationship and think to themselves how we ever became a couple or like that summer we went to Florida with you dad's family, gosh! Was that trip amazing, it was just what we needed, i just wish we could live there in that moment forever, but life isn't a fairy tale. We had our ups and downs, over the course of those four years. Living with you, folding clothes with you, taking occasional showers together, waking up every morning next to the love of my life. Getting ready for school was the worst, mainly because i'm no where near a morning person and you'd haul my ass out of bed just to get dressed so we wouldn't miss the bus. You encouraged me to stay in school, taught me various lessons about family and i admire your wisdom, sometimes i wish you'd take your own advice and settle down.. with me, but that's just my opinion.  

We don't understand exactly why, we ended up together. Why we keep coming back, but there's a line that you did say that i find rhetorically funny. Something you told me nights ago when we met up again and five years ago when we met, that opposites attract, true like a magnet we collide when in range, more like our feelings for each other do. I don't want to be taken as a joke. I want to be taken seriously, and you say you know what I want but do you really know what I want? You don't list your wants out loud like me, and I want you to, I need you to. More than anything before I let myself fall head over heels and end up looking stupid.. again. I don't want that to happen i don't want to be picking up the pieces all over again if i am wrong about us this time, hopefully i'm not wrong. Hopefully you're being true and faithful this time, and i'm just keeping my guard up because i'm prepared for anything. You're still dating someone else, technically and it's not fair for her just like its not fair for me either. I want better, i'm hoping for better and change. If you can't change your bad habits then I feel sorry for you, it's going to be sad to watch you walk away but i know my worth now. I won't settle for less, i know what i want, i know what i deserve, and i'm learning to love myself, all by myself. I just hope you know my worth too, because I've showed you over and over, I've forgiven you countless of times. Even when you cheated, even when you lied, even when you abused my trust. I have my faults too, very deep ones, like you.. but let's not keep track please.

 I still don't get it, be the man you want to be, i will help you as you help me grow too. Trust me when i say i will never leave your side, if you allow and make up your mind we will be in this together for a life time. Trust me baby and believe that we can be one again and make all our dreams into reality in a matter of time. Together we're the best there ever was, but we also create dysfunction. Look at the bright side, we can be a beautiful disaster if it all goes well my love..

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"Broken bottles in the hotel lobby
Seems to me like I'm just scared of never feeling it again
I know it's crazy to believe in silly things
But it's not that easy"

It's coming back, thanks to Facebook, I recall what was going on in my life this time last summer. I had no place to go, physical fights and new people. Familiar faces with different intentions. Literally living in my backpack, I was lost, a different kind of lost. I also remember the moments i started finding myself. It might've started when he started showing me what it was like to be happy again, how a single person does not stands for your happiness. It might've just been another act of impulse, I don't know. The point is, this person showed me more than I asked for. Now that I look back, I do not regret a single thing.

I was invited to a fifteen out of the blue. I hadn't attended one in years, it was around 10 pm, the person I was staying with wasn't home. I was always left at home alone, not literally but i wasn't allowed to leave and hang out with MY friends. It irritated me so much that I took the risk, I sneaked out around 12:30 a.m. party ended around 1 a.m. I was suppose to go home, instead he parked in the nearest parking lot. We had a long conversation that lasted till 5 a.m. I had forgotten what it was like to meet someone and have a friend, to actually feel 'alive' and the feeling - probability of getting in trouble is weirdly satisfying. I didn't care much if I got caught but that night was one of the few I won't ever forget. I'm a night owl, sadly. Long drives at night are very enjoyable especially with company. The only company that I've ever had at night was another night owl, great taste in music, amazing skills and man the brains he tried to hide. He was new, I had just met him too.

The routine rides home during marching season turned into sleep overs and then random drives to places in the middle of the night. One of my favorites was when he spontaneously said, lets go to Galveston it was 1 in the morning!! Even though we had school at 7 am that same morning, I agreed. We left at one-thirty got there around two-ish - three. Have you ever had a beach to yourself with a grand view of the night sky? Let me tell you, it is -to this day- the most amazingly beautiful view I had ever encountered. The waves at our feet crashing against the rocks and the wind blowing, man. No words could describe how it made me feel.. We ended up leaving at 5 am with just enough time to go to his place and get ready for school with no sleep. Those mornings became routine too, as you recall me saying this kid is smart as hell. He'd help me with the subject I dreaded most my senior year, Pre-calculus. Those sleep overs involved Pre-cal, conversations, along with advice and comfort off topic.

It was until things started happening that those helpful morning were no longer a part of my day. I started dreading going to school, problems occurred and drama followed. Band was some sort of escape, because I wasn't very much liked but I loved the music so I didn't care for them.. He was also a part of why I enjoyed my senior year, as a composer and multi-talented there was never a dull moment with this guy. I started falling for him the minute he put me ahead of himself, no task was ever impossible and at times i felt like finally it was okay to let go, to lose myself in the music. So I did, those few months were amazing, winter came along with another story to tell.

Not many know, it saddens me at times but if it wasn't for him I literally wouldn't be here breathing. I have him to thank for that. On November of last year, apart from the little great things, I couldn't anymore... the pressure and the constant accusations, the let downs and the drama, it weighted me down to the point where I didn't want to live on this earth anymore. So i made a choice that night as I sat in am empty house that was my home, the one I grew up in. I texted two people that night, one whom mean a lot to me before , that gave up on me easily. There's times where we believe so hard a person will change for the better but they never prove us to be right. He practically told me to go ahead and off myself, that it didn't matter and I was bluffing anyway. That pulled the trigger right there and i knew there was no way back. The second is this person who even at work checked up on me and dedicated his time to me. I kind of owe this second person my life, he eventually became my number one without acknowledgment.

That night the guy that was at work, rushed to my mothers home, where he stayed with me all night making sure i wasn't gone for good. That night he also taught me a lesson, one i will never forget. The person you just met , that means the world to you in such short time, may as well be the greatest gift ever brought into your life. Never doubt someone who means so much good, never take a person - no matter how hard - for granted, you may never get a second chance again and end up regretting it.

He took from the same bottle i had, a hand full of pills. Swallowed them as i did, there was no going back. Only time would tell, and it did. That night he stayed with me and made sure i didn't fall asleep no matter how much i begged him, he insisted that my life was precious as any other human beings. As i faded into sleep he caressed my face and kissed my forehead, told me everything would be okay and as he whispered those words into the silent house, i got up started walking and puked on my kitchen floor as we both realized what had happened he rushed me to the bathroom and held my hair back as this disgusting smell reeked from my mouth. He tied my hair up on great attempts after he washed me up and changed my clothes, and i knew that it was now my turn to return the favor.

He wasn't getting better that night, wasn't throwing up the gunk and i was much more worried about him than i was exhausted. We had school the following Monday from Thanksgiving break and it didn't matter to me, he begged me to wait the next day and night fall came, on more day with more symptoms and still nothing. Eventually i suggested i drive him to the Emergency room and he was hesitant. I begged as well and we agreed, i drove him there. School was in a few hours, when we arrived they needed an adult, fuck, i thought to myself. I didn't think that far and with his history i was scared more for him than anything, but i loved the guy. I wasn't going to wait any longer, so he made up a story while they made him change and put IV into his arm. Eventually he called his parents hours later, his blood levels looked better than when we came in. I was so happy, that nothing worse had occurred and that he was able to leave the hospital without any more doctors breathing down his back and have a few days resting to recover.

As for me well, no one really ever found out about my incident and no one ever knew how much he means to me.


~~~~ weeks later ~~~~


It use to be very different months back, it was like i could live without you but i couldn't at the same time. it was like i needed you to be in my life because you took up a very important part in it, you still kind of are and to see those words in a text saying that it meant nothing really broke me down, and i didn't want to say anything because right now in my life i'm just not okay. right now in my life i'm just trying to be okay in the eyes of everyone and its not right to be doing these things.

i wish i could go back and fix things but we learn from our mistakes and its something that we have to go through. i keep coming back i keep going back to you because i know that you're good i know you mean good , you always put everyone else's needs and wants ahead of yourself and i know you're taken for granted , i know you want to feel the same thing as me but you don't want to open up, you refuse to speak and have a deep conversation. i think i know why, its all my fault but i need to open up in any way i can.. to you.

i just miss you being so nice to me, miss the things you use to do for me that no one else would. i miss talking to you, miss being able to roll over and fall into your arms after a nightmare. i miss how you would entwine your legs with mine during our sleep and how you hand always wrapped around my lower back. i just miss everything and if i could go back i would, i would blame you less and take credit for my own mistakes. i would help you more and i did so many wrong things, i lost a lot of friends, lost him and lost you but if i would've stayed with you till now, who knows if you would've done the same thing to me.

i keep my guard up now and i act like i don't care and i don't care but i do care and it eats me up inside every day and to say my life has been crazy, its just so crazy i just want to be okay, i want to feel okay. i need to gather myself up, i need to be alone, like the way you left me. its bad to need someone i know that, bad to need someone who makes you feel so much better. long drives at night reminds me of you, drives home after work remind me of you, blasting music like a crazy person going eighty miles an hour reminds me of you. the cuts on my thighs and the drawings i do remind me of you, remind me of everything i have done wrong this past year. its gonna be a year, a year since i drew those six slits on my left thigh and those six scars have a meaning, i hate the meaning so clearly and i remember that morning.. i hate feeling used, i hate being used, hate feeling helpless and i hate it all.

i love the way you're a perfectionist, the way you think and how you use to acknowledge me, the way your words fall into the air like a melody you write. those are part of the reason why i fell in love with you, and i don't mean to fall in love, i don't need to fall in love right now i need to fall in love with myself, not with you. not with everything you use to do and everything you do behind closed doors, i guess i just hate myself and i love myself. these past few months have been very hard for me, reality kicks in and i have no one by my side, not really. i hate being alone, i hate not being wanted and i guess that's why i have six cuts instead of two, i don't want to add another one. i don't want to be that girl i don't want the drama to start again and i don't want to say anything i want to keep it to myself. less drama, less complications.

Just a-b conversation that sticks to one direction, but a kind of wants b to be on the same page. i know everything isn't right in this world and i know that, maybe one day well cross paths again, and we'll see eye to eye but right now there's not much going on and i know i need to distance myself again and gather myself up right before.. it all goes crazy. I don't know what happened when i recorded this voice message but i do know i logged out of all social media, and telling myself i need space from everyone. i need to get away and go missing, from everyone.. including you, even though you wouldn't know or care for that matter but i do miss, i do love, i do cherish every moment unlike i use to in the past.


"High hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, oh,
And the world keeps spinning"

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There's things we cannot change, we cannot magnify the errors, or even dismiss the fact of us being a horrible person at one point. What we CAN do is try our best to be happy, no matter what come at us, to stay positive and keep our eyes open for those who truly mean well. Sure, we might miss one or two who are amazing and take them for granted. But after all, we're human. No? We might even let the troubled people in first just because we really do believe we can help and "fix" them. We will always recall the bad times over the good, the rain over the sunshine, and the sick days over our good ones. Why? Just because that's how we operate, one always different than another, always, not a single person is wired identically.

On the positive note, we each have the power to create who we are but the person we become may be influenced or manipulated equally, dangerously. Look back at the events that have occurred. Major or minor, they all have had an effect, even if you don't think so. Whether it's going to bed at 9 p.m. vs 3 a.m. or even driving to a super market earlier in the day it all happens for a reason. Ever got side tracked during the day? Suddenly your late to an meeting and on the way back from work you see a crash on the freeway? Could've been you right? Could've happened in front of your eyes. You never know why you do the things you do, but once they're done, its practically the past.

So why do we dwell on the past exactly, if its done and over with? We cannot change it, we cannot rewind time, or prevent things from happening. Maybe they are meant to happen, let's say in the parallel universe you do work out with that amazing guy/girl , you do get the job, or perhaps you're the most popular kid in school vs being the kid who's a walking travesty. Think about it, maybe none of that happens in this life time because something better is to come? Something more exciting that's planned for each of us? We are unique in our own way, weird in a good way, and maybe friendly in every way.

Let's jump back into this "reality" for a second.

Inhale.. 1-2-3 Exhale.. 1-2-3

Have you ever felt like the world was gonna end? or fall apart? I'm talking about the world in your head of course. Your world. Your happy place. Go there, now why does that make you happy exactly? Because Its in the past? Its not of this universe? or hasn't happened yet? Now let's examine your world one final time. In that place, you're also different, am I wrong? We want to be the best us we can be, individually and spontaneously. You shouldn't feel like you're drowning or trying to please anyone. Yes, I admit. Its extremely complicated to be who you really are around complete strangers. Maybe even around your friends it's awkward for you. To me I've always felt like I'm a martian when i'm in my own bubble and BOOM! Someone goes and pops it. Only because I don't allow myself to be that way outside of these four walls.

Come to think of it, not even my family knows how I really am. Isn't that insane? I've trying so hard to please them all, the minute they found out what I wanted to do as a living they freaked. Who ever said a female can't do a mans work? Uh, nobody. So why's it so wrong, well because they except me to be like some of my "successful" older cousins of mine. Well, I reflected and saw myself in the mirror. Who's gonna make me happy? Who said I cannot be successful? I'd rather do something I find interesting than something I absolutely dislike. No offense, but they surely don't run my life. Family can only do so much, they can make or break you! Do you believe that? I do. So I turned around and had a chat with my mother, she was basically the black sheep in our family, we were like two peas in a pod. Still kind of are, and so she gave me a lesson about pursuing a dream and proving everyone wrong, including her. Even though she doubts me too, she's my biggest supporter. At one point she wasn't, at one point she hated me for being her baby black sheep. So I will agree not everyone has a great relationship with their guardians but, to each their own.

So as I attempt to come out of my own shell, I encourage you to do the same. To reflect on your recent actions, to mend broken bonds. Is this where you want to be? Is this who you want to be? Better yourself, for yourself. I'm not saying you aren't in the right place right now but, there's always room for improvement. No doubt about it.

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Last night I had the privilege to have a conversation with an old friend, someone whom I thought I had lost once again.. truth is I've lost more people than I've met really. This person I've known for about 6 years, and I've had my doubts about meeting them but in reality it's not all bad. As we video chatted , we brought up our messed up past. Me more than him, he talked about his father and family, I spoke to him about the one person I had loved for many years now, and its hard to get past someone over night. I hadn't shed a tear for this guy in months, I knew it was over and I know it's for the best. Lately I've been thinking a whole lot and there's been tons of changes in my life, some drastic , some small.

So I'll go to where it all began, as I entered Senior year at my high school I had it all planned out in my head, my future career and my family right after, or so I thought. I had prepped for the baby I didn't have and for the wedding that didn't occur.

August 27 , 2015, was the day I met the kid that was at one point my friend and my lover.. That night after practice on the bus back to school, he took a seat next to me and honestly I thought he was trying to move seats but I was wrong as he pulled out his phone to then showed me , he had written something in his notes, "Are you naturally depressed?" Let me tell you this guy was few months new to the school and I hadn't talk to anyone about my situations, so what was it about me that stood out to him? I started at him in the darkness of that night and whispered, "why?.." He explained, how he thought my name started with a C or K because of my Instagram but he was totally wrong. We got to know each other, he spoke of his ex who used him and his current relationship and as we came closer to the school, I couldn't help but feel like I had just found someone who was kind of in similar situations to mine. Out of the blue, he send me a message later that night, we went back and fourth, for three nights straight. At the time I lived with my ex-boyfriend / guy I had loved for years but we weren't dating at that time, and he was upset that I made a new friend, I assured him I didn't want anything to do with this guy and well he kept pushing my buttons and kept accusing me of things that didn't happen, which resulted in our fights, more mistrust, and way more problems than we already had going on.

Little did I know I did start falling for this new guy ... not only that, he was doing the most to pick up the pieces and he tried so hard, I'll admit that much. For months I was torn between these two, mainly because although I loved the other guy for many years even though he did cheat and never claimed me, but knew me inside out. This new dude, listened to me rant about my past/current relationship with that guy, no ifs or buts about it. I knew he wanted something but I kept saying no, finally around December, I ended my old relationship and began the year with the new .. this damaged me emotionally and physically, I couldn't stop loving the one who did me wrong for years, I just couldn't shut it off. This brought pain to all three of us, in multiple ways , like a freaking love triangle! There was drinking and smoking, spirits, and cutting, fucking and running away involved but I don't want to get into those gritty details about it right now.

Around March of 2016 , I had made a choice that it had been the biggest mistake I had ever made, academically I was screwed , emotionally torn and physically scarred. So I gathered myself up and cut lose the connections , I couldn't exactly do it right though, which resulted in mixed messages and emotions for both parties from me. I lost all my friends because i'd get high|missed school but I caught up, luckily. I Graduated June 2016 with neither one by my side and with a plan set in mind. I would move out of that city and start new, new surroundings, new me. It worked out -or maybe it didn't- because the part about how I'd feel emotionally wasn't included, I wasn't thinking that far ahead.

A year ago , my plans for summer sixteen were as listed ,
- Graduate together
- Get jobs \ start saving
- Get married
- Move in together \ start a family

funny how a year CAN change it all , funny how , we officially ended that years long affair/relationship, just a few days ago. Funny how I no longer speak to the guy that "helped" me when school started but watched as I spill blood throughout those months, but it was my fault after all. Yet I am here at this desktop, in a different city, writing about it because I cannot sleep, because I am in doubt, because I feel sorry for myself but I'm proud of myself, not only for trying but also for getting myself back up, after all those years of pain , neglect , unconditional love , trust issues , being lost, those never ending nights, the nights full of stars and the ocean roaring at our feet.

I did leave out a bunch of details in that course of ten months, some sweet some sorrow. Some frightening and some extraordinary. No doubt , I'm still struggling, but this is why I created my alter ego, she can handle more than me, or so i'd like to believe. Her identity like mine, has changed and built up over the years.. I'll just keep building and growing and learning and I thought I could plan out my future , before my senior year. Just to show that anything could happen , we only have so much we can control and we only get one life to live.

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