Okay so lately I've been kind of off I've been doing this and I've been doing that I've been talking to some new people and it's making me feel really good. I've been kind of great doing this and that, my life became the schedule and I kind of like that. I've been doing some new things, job-wise and it really makes me feel happy.

Okay so today I woke up late and it threw me off by 3 hours I'm trying to cram everything in one hour but I doubt thats even possible. And I mean work-wise I got here late three hours late to be exact and I'm trying to cram everything in one hour how impossible is that, while having customers upset at me about gas that wasn't pumping right. Super is at the price of the Unleaded might as well take it cause it's better gas for the cheaper price, right? I still don't understand people sometimes. At the moment they're all just circling around the gas station trying to figure out why there's signs on the pumps that say "out of-order" why don't they just stop and ask? Premium is the only one that doesn't have the tag.

I'm this person that's almost in a relationship with time. I don't know how I let it pass by me to oversleep today I guess I've just been having a hard week physically and my body is trying to tell me to take it easy. I'm this person that has to have a schedule even on her days off, because if not it just throws me off and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. Don't you ever feel like that, like you have to put yourself on the schedule to get things done? The only thing that I haven't successfully added to my schedule is the exercise and the eating. I'm very upset with myself about it too. It's power of will but there's so much going on emotionally. I don't know if me going to the gym actively will make me feel any better.

Okay so lately I've just been thinking what if things were different what if I wasn't here, you know? Those thoughts that haunt you at night when you can't sleep. I mean, I'm whole over that stage in my life. I don't get depressed as much anymore. I'm fine and content with everything around me that's happening, I just I feel like something's missing.

I used to be all about I need to work, work, work so i can maintain myself and survive . Now it's more like I need to work, work, work because my family needs it and I'm their back up if anything happens. I mean I should be used to it right? Being the backup. I was always the backup in relationships which is probably why I have such a hard time getting into one or accepting the fact that someone might like me eventually. I don't know it's just all so crazy, I don't see myself worth being in a relationship anytime soon or probably ever again. Funny how one person can change your whole aspect on a situation.

I used to be very loving, also cry every night but that was because I was over flown with emotions and had someone who was always cheating on me. Now it's more like I go to bed because I'm tired and exhausted plus my feelings are under control. It's a shame my heart means well and not everyone is honest these days. So let's build the walls up more, until it becomes a skyscraper. I think I care more than I should though, about everything in the world. That's why I was never a good enough girlfriend, friend, daughter or sister because it's the details that matter a bit more to me, for the most part... I'm wired differently. I'm not most people.

" I over communicate, i feel too much. i just complicate it when i say too much. "

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Here's to the fact that my ex's girlfriend doesn't know we fucked again recently, that his faithful image isn't all that but if she believes him, whatever. If that time with me i bet there's more, there's always more. I will admit though, since my feelings for him have crumbled the sex wasn't so good. Maybe i didn't enjoy it as much because it was just casual nothing more, maybe even less. Haven't spoken to him since he bloked me, did he somehow think i'd fall in love with him again if we kept talking? Oh honey no, im over it all. I might even go as far to say, "it was a last test run" (:

~~~~ moving on ~~~~

And so here's the thing I met someone a couple months ago and I completely rejected it off the bat over the course of the months I found myself starting to gained some kind of feelings for this person, this female, who actually makes me wonder if I'm better off with a female. The way she makes me feel is like no other she doesn't use me, we talk once in awhile but never about emotions or intimates and never for long periods of time. I won't admit it to her but i want in the game, i want to explore the horizons. Figuratively speaking, we would be chaos. I would go back to my old ways and she would realize what a jealous wreck i can be. We both made it clear we'd be friends and we aren't looking for those type of relationships right now. Plus, do i really want to get involved with a girl? It makes me rethink my life.

Why relive the past when you can better yourself for the future, by yourself? That's exactly what im doing. I don't want to fall head over heals, i stay to myself so i don't accidentally start crushing. Great plan, except. I have a few conversations, i crush, and end up falling off the cliff. "Next." That's my problem, besides working so much i make no time for humans except family. I'll be okay though, i'm starting a journey that'll take me places soon, far away. Probably meet others and i know I'll be truly happy but until then, i stick to my plan. The plan works, i live and work, it keeps my mom happy and get to watch my kiddos grow. All that matters.

Positivity, embrace it. Even though I'm quite the pessimist. 

Entry done.