Okay, it's been over four months since my last blog.. I've collected about four albums since then, here's an update.

I'm still single, still have my stable job, still part-time caretaker of my siblings. I'm no longer depressed and I'll tell you why. I won't say I've found my purpose because I'm still way behind on that, I'm learning to embrace every aspect of life. Starting an additional position on Monday, totally excited for it. My tiny crush is still a joy when I see him, still super nice and very welcoming. I still have not encountered any physical or mental relationship with anyone, sad I know. You can say im on good terms with my past and that makes me extremely content.

There is a moment in life when you become comfortable with everything going on, the stability of things. It sometimes makes you want to stay there, even when you know there's more room to grow. Me, that's where I'm stuck right now, between my stability and my ability to grow. I'm still anti-social sometimes and still a chunky girl. Those two I hope to change in the next few months. I have been going to the gym, in the middle of the night of course, been eating healthier. I've also been making new work relationships, and interacting with new humans which help with my so called depression. I'm slowly reaching my goals, something people doubted me on.

I've lost connection with most of my past friends, school friends. Since we graduated we've all gone in different directions, have different beliefs and I get that. Stay humble. There's ONE who has not switched up on me since we were still kids. He's the bomb.com. My "best friend" no longer texts me, I'm still waiting on a reply. Couple days ago I was walking to work bc I didn't have a car, she texts me "I just drove past you" and I said "really? cool" and I thought what a shitty thing to reply back with but let's see what she says.... never got a text back , no concern, nada. Which got me thinking, maybe.. just maybe it means nada. Ya know? It's cool though. Can't be phased, life moves on.

{ If you had something to say, you can text me girl. I already told you, I don't text you bc you're always 'too busy' and never have time for me. More like, you never make time for me even when I try. Sincerly, your best friend. }

I have so much on my plate, but still make time for most friends who hook up sometimes. Like, tomorrow I have to cut the grass, then take our cat to get her shots. Also go buy a piñata for my baby cousin and there's a party for two recent twenty one year olds and baby girl who's now seventeen. It's gonna be lit as'f, gotta get them a gift too, long ass day then work at eight am the next day. Have a couple more friend visit between now and the next month, it's not that hard to make time.. I've become very fond of keeping track of time and being on time. No time for boys though. My little random rant, over. c:

Anywho, it gets better luvs. I'm happy fall is now here!!!! I love Thanksgiving. Ohmy. Almost another year gone by. I'll keep collecting albums til next time. ♡



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I deleted my rough draft and I'm starting over because a couple days ago I realized something that I told my soulmate right before I never went back. It was probably the last time we saw each other that I was so caught up in work and I just missed the feeling of being there, being loved and being held. That i cried so much in his arms while he slept, i explained myself and opened my past (our past) to apologize for all the times he asked me to stay home when i went to work, to the times i pushed myself and then complained.. the moments he was there for me after longs days of school then band practice then work, i never considered how much he must've missed me. i wish to apologize now, for the inconvenience and the time wasted getting bucks that how didn't change anything but drift us apart.

"I now realize it's us that makes me happy. The fact of having you by my side and this scenario, it makes me feel amazing. I have 3 thousand dollars -at the time- in my bank account and im not happy. You make me happy and you were right, im wasting my time at work and im not happy. It's relationships and love that makes a person whole, money is just a plus. How did i not see that before? The green eyed monster takes over and makes me feel anxious about the things i need vs what i want. Im so sorry baby... i love you times a million and i dont want to lose us, but i know i have lost us.. and i know i can't come back because you have to be happy, you have to build your life and that means erasing me from your present. I know you can do that very easily which is why i wont say this while you're awake. I'll get choked up and fail. So goodnight, i love you bubby and sleep w the angels my sweets."

This is what i said, the paragraph i said out loud while he slept soundly in my arms. While i cried and he held tighter to my body. I swear i miss it so much, i miss the warmth and the smell, your smile and your lips against mine. I miss it all, the way you sit at the end of the bed while you play video games and how when you'd win , you'd turn around and kiss me bc it made you happy. How we'd get high and make love, you were my first and till this day, my last. I miss the way you'd be the big spoon and scoop my boobs while we slept or how I'd get in your little space and you wouldnt mind, i remember how happy we were. I cannot forget because you were my first love, the one who showed me new things and right from wrong, the one who protected me unconditionally and loved me for who i was. The one who would laugh in disgust when id eat my boogers but you would still kiss me. I miss all of it, it hurts. I feel like i can tell you anything even now, though you're so hard headed and you have your own opinions. i know you hate feet but when i needed some comfort you'd scratch my back, im such a baby for you, such a sucker. So off topic, ive left things out but theres so many memories left behind that ment the world at one point. One day, we'll meet again and speak of these memories which will make us laugh and review our own growth.

So in conclusion im super happy for you, happy you found someone that makes your heart soar like i did before.. Im happy for me too, for building my walls up and still being fragile not cold hearted. Im proud of myself, for turning every guy away that hits me up. Proud of myself for not being depressed all the time anymore and for moving forward, enjoying the little things in life. This generation has gone to shits with the whole respect and honesty thing. I believe that one day i will be happy, and i will be brave enough to begin again. So for now, ill embrace my solitude and enjoy the ability to work, work and work cause it's true, not everyone has that freedom.




(( i hate the headlines and the weather , 

im ninteen and im on fire. ))

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tonight was hectic. i drove miles to see your face light up at the sight of me but all i got was disappointment. i processed different scenarios in my head on the long drive there while singed love songs out loud. and laughed about how we'd make up. it was all in my head, always was.

i love you,  i do.

even though i screamed that i hated you, i cried and pleaded to be loved. you still weren't phased, you wanted me out but i didnt budge, didn't flinch instead i repeated the words "why dont you want me?" and "why do you treat me like im nothing?" the reply was "get out, i dont want you here." i cried and cried, begged you to answer my questions that you called dumb and irrelevant. they aren't irrelevant to me, i gave into my anger because lately ive been so stressed out. i screamed and cried that " i hated you" over and over again - when you broke the chain on my neck and threw it outside knowing how much it means to me, you did that so id leave. i didnt leave then, i still hate that you treated me that way. i know you mean well and i know you want me to have the best and deserve better, you're too chicken to admit that im the best thing that's happened. or maybe not, but still immature to answer my stupid questions. i began to gag as a cried,  the anger when up my throat and i wanted to barf, more like.. i did barf, ran to the bathroom before it was all over the living room floor where i was on my knees crying for you to return my necklace back.. you didn't,  when i left to the restroom you tossed my keys and phone outside as well. what a man, am i right?

i miss you, heavens, i wanted to build a whole life with you, have kids with you but you aren't ready, not like i am.

you called your parents to see how long they'd take to be home, less than a hour. you didn't care anymore cause they'd take care of me, but i kept asking you the same question. "why didnt you want me?" stupid of me right, to want a simple answer. i walked outside, got my belongings that you trashed and came back in. i asked for a hug and kiss goodbye, that id leave your life for good and you said "no kiss" i begged and begged for one. you still didn't budge,

i will always want you, even ten years from now.

i saw sadness in your face when i said if you hugged me and kissed me id never be back if thats what you wanted. . I swear i saw those brown eyes tear up. i cleared my face and voice, i was ready to walk out that door as well as your life... i watched you sink into the couch and i grabbed your hand, pulled you up while you tried to maintain your straight face, the one where you dont play. i asked for a hug and you did, hugged me as tight as you could.. tears rolled down my face while i contained my breathing, i kissed your neck and whispered "i only want you."

god, im gonna miss you so much my love.

i swear, if that was a goodbye hug, id cherish it forever. you sat back down, i headed towards the door. i looked at you as tears came down, and said "i love you, im sorry." then locked the door and closed it behind me. i hate that you get the best of me, hate that you can't commit to me or want to accept the love i have to offer. one day, we'll realize this, the tattoos we got together mean something, we love hard, are stubborn as hell, and will always have each other's backs no matter what. i hate that i yelled at you those awful words, but i also hate that you take me for granted.

i will always love you.

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Lust, that's really where it started. You tried to show me love, you tried to love me and somehow you did succeed for a second because i wasn't really good at that. I start to think that maybe it was my fault, because i let it happen. The nights where we communicated about our past relationship, the main one that took place. Everything we went through, the pain we went through brought us together, our wounds never really healed, did they? Every time we would leave one alone another would be cut open by one of our mistakes and misunderstandings. We were never in a million years meant to be we just happened. We were just a lesson in each others lives, just a set back to what you really needed. Making you realize that there's beauty in things even after natural disasters hit, me being the disaster. You just have to be able to go through it, handle it and there's more to life than just living. I'm just happy you've found someone, as amazing i guess and "loving" as her. I'm happy we're past that point in our lives, where we no longer cross paths.

~~~~~~

It's crazy to me that, I no longer need someone to be happy. It's crazy to me that , I love you so much but I don't need you as I thought I did. Its crazy because I realized it today, watching you miss me , watching you attend to me and kiss me repeatedly without me begging. It's crazy because now that you're realizing it, you need me more than I need you, you miss and love me more now that I'm miles away doing my own thing rather than when I was on your chest laying down  watching tv shows and eating .. No doubt i fucking miss you, i still love you regardless and i may reminisce on what we could've been if we had just gotten shit together years back. 

I was just fine, before you started talking to me again and i still am, it hasn't affected me at all. It's just you want me as badly as I wanted you months back, better yet, years back. You want me as badly because you realize now the things I've done for you? The things I would do for you still? You run to the best thing you ever had, me. I don't meant that to sound cocky or anything but i gave my all to you for four years, I loved you unconditionally. Although we never changed our minds about having kids together because it's something we both look forward to. Building a family together and me helping you be a better person for yourself, for us. We both know what haunts us at night, we know our biggest dreams, we know what makes us happy and what boils our blood. We know what's best for one another and maybe that's why we are meant to be. Maybe that's why we come back every time the seasons are right. I don't hate you one bit, do i think you need to make up your mind? Yes, but we have been through this so many times i would think you would have your mind made up this time. 

Five years of knowing you, a roller coaster ride, my very favorite as i described in a post on Facebook once. It hasn't been all bad i know that much, from date nights and surprising me on my birthday, to me ever attending ONE of your baseball games, but hey i tried right? To sneaking out of my mom's house to see you, then you supporting me in band. To me and your mom conjuring your surprise birthday, then bringing me up when family or friends brought me down and to being the first person I was truly madly in love with. By far, i do not regret ever loving you, ever forgiving you, or ever meeting you. One thing is for sure, I really wish we could go back to everything we ever were, when people would admire our relationship and think to themselves how we ever became a couple or like that summer we went to Florida with you dad's family, gosh! Was that trip amazing, it was just what we needed, i just wish we could live there in that moment forever, but life isn't a fairy tale. We had our ups and downs, over the course of those four years. Living with you, folding clothes with you, taking occasional showers together, waking up every morning next to the love of my life. Getting ready for school was the worst, mainly because i'm no where near a morning person and you'd haul my ass out of bed just to get dressed so we wouldn't miss the bus. You encouraged me to stay in school, taught me various lessons about family and i admire your wisdom, sometimes i wish you'd take your own advice and settle down.. with me, but that's just my opinion.  

We don't understand exactly why, we ended up together. Why we keep coming back, but there's a line that you did say that i find rhetorically funny. Something you told me nights ago when we met up again and five years ago when we met, that opposites attract, true like a magnet we collide when in range, more like our feelings for each other do. I don't want to be taken as a joke. I want to be taken seriously, and you say you know what I want but do you really know what I want? You don't list your wants out loud like me, and I want you to, I need you to. More than anything before I let myself fall head over heels and end up looking stupid.. again. I don't want that to happen i don't want to be picking up the pieces all over again if i am wrong about us this time, hopefully i'm not wrong. Hopefully you're being true and faithful this time, and i'm just keeping my guard up because i'm prepared for anything. You're still dating someone else, technically and it's not fair for her just like its not fair for me either. I want better, i'm hoping for better and change. If you can't change your bad habits then I feel sorry for you, it's going to be sad to watch you walk away but i know my worth now. I won't settle for less, i know what i want, i know what i deserve, and i'm learning to love myself, all by myself. I just hope you know my worth too, because I've showed you over and over, I've forgiven you countless of times. Even when you cheated, even when you lied, even when you abused my trust. I have my faults too, very deep ones, like you.. but let's not keep track please.

 I still don't get it, be the man you want to be, i will help you as you help me grow too. Trust me when i say i will never leave your side, if you allow and make up your mind we will be in this together for a life time. Trust me baby and believe that we can be one again and make all our dreams into reality in a matter of time. Together we're the best there ever was, but we also create dysfunction. Look at the bright side, we can be a beautiful disaster if it all goes well my love..

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There's things we cannot change, we cannot magnify the errors, or even dismiss the fact of us being a horrible person at one point. What we CAN do is try our best to be happy, no matter what come at us, to stay positive and keep our eyes open for those who truly mean well. Sure, we might miss one or two who are amazing and take them for granted. But after all, we're human. No? We might even let the troubled people in first just because we really do believe we can help and "fix" them. We will always recall the bad times over the good, the rain over the sunshine, and the sick days over our good ones. Why? Just because that's how we operate, one always different than another, always, not a single person is wired identically.

On the positive note, we each have the power to create who we are but the person we become may be influenced or manipulated equally, dangerously. Look back at the events that have occurred. Major or minor, they all have had an effect, even if you don't think so. Whether it's going to bed at 9 p.m. vs 3 a.m. or even driving to a super market earlier in the day it all happens for a reason. Ever got side tracked during the day? Suddenly your late to an meeting and on the way back from work you see a crash on the freeway? Could've been you right? Could've happened in front of your eyes. You never know why you do the things you do, but once they're done, its practically the past.

So why do we dwell on the past exactly, if its done and over with? We cannot change it, we cannot rewind time, or prevent things from happening. Maybe they are meant to happen, let's say in the parallel universe you do work out with that amazing guy/girl , you do get the job, or perhaps you're the most popular kid in school vs being the kid who's a walking travesty. Think about it, maybe none of that happens in this life time because something better is to come? Something more exciting that's planned for each of us? We are unique in our own way, weird in a good way, and maybe friendly in every way.

Let's jump back into this "reality" for a second.

Inhale.. 1-2-3 Exhale.. 1-2-3

Have you ever felt like the world was gonna end? or fall apart? I'm talking about the world in your head of course. Your world. Your happy place. Go there, now why does that make you happy exactly? Because Its in the past? Its not of this universe? or hasn't happened yet? Now let's examine your world one final time. In that place, you're also different, am I wrong? We want to be the best us we can be, individually and spontaneously. You shouldn't feel like you're drowning or trying to please anyone. Yes, I admit. Its extremely complicated to be who you really are around complete strangers. Maybe even around your friends it's awkward for you. To me I've always felt like I'm a martian when i'm in my own bubble and BOOM! Someone goes and pops it. Only because I don't allow myself to be that way outside of these four walls.

Come to think of it, not even my family knows how I really am. Isn't that insane? I've trying so hard to please them all, the minute they found out what I wanted to do as a living they freaked. Who ever said a female can't do a mans work? Uh, nobody. So why's it so wrong, well because they except me to be like some of my "successful" older cousins of mine. Well, I reflected and saw myself in the mirror. Who's gonna make me happy? Who said I cannot be successful? I'd rather do something I find interesting than something I absolutely dislike. No offense, but they surely don't run my life. Family can only do so much, they can make or break you! Do you believe that? I do. So I turned around and had a chat with my mother, she was basically the black sheep in our family, we were like two peas in a pod. Still kind of are, and so she gave me a lesson about pursuing a dream and proving everyone wrong, including her. Even though she doubts me too, she's my biggest supporter. At one point she wasn't, at one point she hated me for being her baby black sheep. So I will agree not everyone has a great relationship with their guardians but, to each their own.

So as I attempt to come out of my own shell, I encourage you to do the same. To reflect on your recent actions, to mend broken bonds. Is this where you want to be? Is this who you want to be? Better yourself, for yourself. I'm not saying you aren't in the right place right now but, there's always room for improvement. No doubt about it.

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