Today's food intake:

Breakfast: a cigarette and a black coffee

Lunch: a large (or even two?) portion of meat balls, potatoes and brown sauce

Dinner: a small portion of pasta bolognese with cheese

Snack: a large green apple and 2 cigarettes

I'm feeling a lot better today. Both mentally and physically. Partly it's because of all the resting I did this weekend and partly because of my determination to do something about my situation. I'll weigh myself tomorrow and see if I've ruined myself any more than before.

In line with this, I got the answer back from a summer job I've applied for. Good news! I've been called for an interview in about a month! It's as a travel leader for a bunch of language students this summer and I would get to travel with them and experience the place with them and teach them English during the day. I would love it! Wish me luck with that!

Had some more cigarettes today and it's helped with my hunger. Yey... right?

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I have a confession to make: for some reason my brain thought that it would make sense and that it was a good idea to start smoking to lower my food intake a bit. I mean... I know how bad it is and I used to do it before... but still I...

anyway, I started today and had 3 cigarettes within an hour and a half and now I feel a bit dizzy and nauseas. Ugg... big I'm on the couch feeling off and eating rice cakes to stabilise my stomach and hoping not to hurl. Good going there...


Breakfast: chocolate (quite a bit)

Lunch: a chicken salad

Snack: 2 clementines and some grappes

Dinner: 3 rice cakes and 3 cigarettes



Not a lot has happened since my last post. I am still eating shitty things and I still feel miserable. I don't get why I can't stop this...

I guess that it might me because I feel horrible on the inside that I can't change my behaviour to the better. I went to dinner with my sister (in truth my ex-step sister who I still consider my sister) and she has been feeling stressed lately and has had a lot of symptoms like dizziness and depression because of it and we talked about that for a while and I realised that I am sharing some of her feelings even though I'm not quite there yet. I need to figure my life out before it takes a nasty turn.

Yesterday I woke up at two PM and felt like shit and it might have been the embodiment of our conversation the night before or just a coincidence but I couldn't do anything all day and had to cancel two different engagements that I had been really looking forward to. So sad about missing them both...

So today I did something I have been postponing for months but know that I would enjoy and need which is to take a walk down one of the largest streets in this area and went into all the stores that looked like fun. And I got home with a lot of good stuff that will help make my home a bit cozier and much more like an actual home! Two flowers to bring some life into the place, a really pretty flower pot, the white candle holder which I'm getting another one of because it is so pretty, three small candleholders and six new drinking glasses. I am so happy that I got all of that even though my wallet is suffering hugely but at least I havae chieved something.

So now I've had the candles burning and the lights off for the entire afternoon and it is like balm on my soul. I feel so much calmer and relaxed and it feels like the entire world is shut out for a while. Hopefully this can help my soul get back on track again.



Considering that I weighed 64 kilos (141 pounds) in February last year it is a nightmare staring down at the scale now. It hurts my sould and there is nothing I would rather do than do crawl into a hole somewhere and just lay there. However, that is not possible so here goes: weighed myself this morning and ended up on 77 kilos (169 pounds). My mind can't really wrap itself around that number but obviously it's tre. All of my hard work to get to 64kg - all in vain​...

But I have now gotten a kick in the butt because I no longer want to be at this weight, looking like this and feeling like this. Going to the gym this evening to prove myself!

TIme for work. See you!



Managed to keep my food intake on a good level today! Success!

Breakfast: juice and a cheese sandwich

Lunch: a prawn and pasta salad with dressing​

Dinner: a chicken and pasta salad with dressing

Snack: some green grapes and two clementines

But not only that, I went to the gym and worked out for about an hour. Burned 300 calories through cardio and did some weights on top of that so I'm happy with myself today! Pat on the shoulder!

See you tomorrow!



Yesterday I went to dinner with my mom - a traditional British pub with great food and good atmosphere. I've never been there before but I found it through a website that lists dog friendly places and I've got to say that it was a success! Mom brought one of her dogs and he behaved so well even though we were places next to another couple with two dogs - one huge really calm girl who sat right next to my chair and wanted a cuddle all through dinner (no complaints here!) and another small pug whose tongue kept hanging out which was really cute! I loved the place and we're definitely going back!

However, the dinner wasn't too healthy and we had dessert and for lunch I met up with a friend for some McDonalds which is as unhealthy as you can get. So yesterday was a bit of a fail but I'm not too upset about it. On the way home I dropped by and bought a couple of salads so I'm all set for a few days.

In order to motivate myself I decided to give myself a goal with a reward. I haven't weighed myself yet so tomorrow will be my starting weigh in and I will start counting from there. So... when I've lost three kilos (six pounds), I will buy myself a really nice dress - I found one that I really really want and if it's still there when I reach my goal that's the dress I'll buy (Oasis dress​)! It has this really nice print that I think will fit me and has the same fit as another of my favourite dresses that I actually bought at Primark in November!  This is my carrot and I really hope that I will reach it quickly because I want that dress!

Wish me luck!



Sorry for not posting yesterday but I was hugely tired and fell asleep. Anyway, I kind of got back on track yesterday - I might not have eaten the healthiest things but I avoided all of my trigger foods so that's good. Woke of really early because I had to attend a winter sports day with a large number of students which this year ended up being curling. A nice activity to do once or twice but definitely not my cup of tea. It also snowed for the first time in a looong time which was very fitting with the whole winter sports day activity! When we were done exercising I went home, ate lunch, took it easy and then went to the hair dresser's to trim my cut and I'm really not sure about the results. It looks really choppy and not smooth at all... unhappy...

Breakfast: a bought club sandwhich - quite small but still packed with bad things
Lunch: a frozen pasta
Dinner: a bought salad with chicken and curry dressing
Snack: two clementines, a packet of strawberries and a handful of banana crisps.

Today I worked as usual and it's been a calm and fairly nice day. Spent half an hour styling my hair, trying to make it presentable and it just wouldn't work which resulted in me being half an hour late to work - which isn't that much of a deal but it's annoying. Has been extremely tired lately and as soon as work was over I went home and took it easy. Bleached the roots of my hair and removed the colour from the lengths so now it's white again. Also tried styling my hair using a hair straightener which worked out better than my technique this morning so I feel a bit better now.

Breakfast: -
Lunch: a bento box - rice, beef strips, four pieces of sushi
Dinner: a bought salad with chicken, feta cheese and vinaigrette 
Snack: 1 clementine, a handful of banana crisps.

Now I'm going to sleep so good night! Hope you have a nice evening!



Of course today was a fail. Felt under the weather all day and then I got my period. Yes... a week early... but this always happens when I try going on a diet and since I can't stay on one on my first-second day of my period I'm screwed. But I'll get back on the horse as soon as I can again.

Being a woman sucks.



​I was going to wait until tomorrow to start adding to this blog but then I realised that - why? Today has gone well enough and I have nothing to hide so why wait 'til tomorrow?

Alright, so today I have done absolutely nothing. Woke up yesterday morning with a bit of a sore throat and that has got a little bit worse today and I've been really tired. Don't know if it's due to a virus or a change in diet but it is unfortunate and I've taken it easy.

Woke up at eleven this morning, had a coffee and a few green grapes, had lunch a bit later which was a frozen pasta which contained about 550 calories. 2 clementines, a cheese sandwich and a large salad later and today's food intake is over and done with. I might have another fruit but nothing major.

Fruit is now one of my main sources of food from now on out.  Instead of saying that "you can't have that and you can't have that" and limiting my food intake a lot I've decided that yes, some things are off limit such as chips and candy but I can still eat as much as I want to - meaning that i I want a snack I can have one, I just have to pick a fruit instead of something unhealthy. That's one of the things I used to do before - I limited myself to the point where I couldnt even have an apple because it was too many calories but I was unhappy and couldn't do it for very long. This time I can eat as much as I want to - just the right kind of things.