I feel like this blog has become my diary, open to the public. I know that nobody reads it but it feels good to just write down my feelings, without anyone actually knowing my identity. I love to be honest and that's who I am. But I guess I'm not completely honest since I'm keeping my identity private.
But okay, let's start this crazy freaking story.
So I became friends with this girl, and let's call her Penny. It's not her really name but it'll do. So me and penny became friends in 5th grade. We hung out all the time, we really enjoyed each other's company. At this time I also had another best friend who I became friends with in 1st grade. Let's call her Molly. When I started hanging out with Penny, Molly warned me about her. She said that penny was literally insane and we were 11/12 years old. I got so mad at Molly for being this way. So I stopped talking to her and then we drifted apart. Biggest mistake of my life.
Penny and I spent every weekend together, going to hockey games, walking around the city, having sleepovers, even at school nights. I really thought that she was going to be my best friend for life. But as time passed I noticed she being really jealous when I hung out with other people. I wasn't allowed to spend time with my classmates without her being there. If I slept over at another friends house, hell broke lose. This was in 7th grade. I remember one time before graduation 7th grade, me and two other girls from my class had made a speech for our former teachers. So I asked them if they wanted to come home with me and practice. Penny was so mad, she cursed me out and straight up told me that I was a bad friend for not inviting her. Because of that, I thought that I was a horrible friend so I invited her, but those two other girls because of that didn't want to come. Penny was always very mean to those people who hung out with me. But I didn't really do anything because I didn't want to disappoint her. I thought that I was a straight up bad friend for having other friends. Summer vacation comes around between 7th and 8th grade, and I started avoiding her. She was mean to me, we fought all the time, I did not like her family. I thought they were weird and mean. I was literally scared of her father. She always would ask me to hang out and I would come up with excuses. But one time she had enough and yelled at me over phone and told me that if we really were friends we had to hang out. So I gave in and came to her house. I started to really hate her for forcing me to literally be her friend.

8th grade started. We were friends, still. But I developed new friendships and relationships. She didn't, which pissed  her of. I grew up more than she did and she didn't like that. I started hanging out with three other girls, let's call them Tia, Elda, Marge. We became best friends quick. I wanted to hang out with them more than Penny obviously. I mean, these 3 girls are still my best friends today, they were really helpful during this while situation. Penny started picking fights with me every other day. At school, on text, on snap, everywhere. I had enough. I fought back. I had to defend myself. I wasn't allowed to have more friends, just her. Penny told me that for us to be friends I couldn't have any other friends because she only had me. Really, was that my problem? That she couldn't make any other friends? No, but I thought it was so I put up with it. Should I have done that, hell no.
We fought every freaking day. It was so bad  that I developed anxiety. I was terrified of facing her, I was terrified to hang out with other people. I told my mom about this whole situation and she told me to get out of that relationship because Penny is literally insane. So, with my moms help and help from Tia, Elda and Marge, I wrote her a mail. I said that I think it's time for us to end our friendship and that I can't do this anymore. That I couldn't be in this toxic friendship because it's giving me literal panic attacks. I tried to be as honest and nice as possible. But when I sent that, literally I have never heard anyone curse at someone so much. She threatened me and was furious.
I don't remember if I told you that my mom is depressed and she has an anxiety disorder. She's not depressed anymore in that sense but she still takes medication.
Penny knew this, because I told her everything. She knew that my mom had suicidal thoughts. Penny used that against me in that threat.
She said and I quote "if you stop being my friend I will cut myself and I will hurt myself because you are my only friend and you can't stop being friends with me"
Like who tf says that to someone who already has bad anxiety and has a mother with a suicidal background? She was literally clinically insane. I was never the problem, but she told me that every fight was my fault. But she was always the problem, not me.
When she wrote this I had the worst panic attack of my life. I mean, I hated her for being this way to me but I didn't want me to be the reason she hurts herself. Like she was fucking insane! If she hurt herself it wouldn't be my fault, it would be hers. She decides what she wants to do, I don't decide that. I never spoke to her again after she wrote that. She had already pushed me over the edge.

Keep in mind, I never spoke to her again, but she spoke to me. As I said before she's insane. She had the fucking guts to tweet out a tweet about me, and freaking tagged me. I have a pretty good following on twitter and I did at the time as well. You just don't do that for the whole world to see, making my internet friends think that I'm a bad person. She said that I had ended our friendship and that I was a bitch basically. I didn't know what to do.
I called my friend Tia and told her and she was like, "dude, you have to tell her to take it away, that can really ruin your reputation on there" so that's what I did, in the nicest way possible even though I totally had the right to be pissed at her. When I sent her the text, she said that she wanted me back as a friend and that she missed me. Like, no, fuck you. You don't get to do that after the fucking hell you put me through.

Because of her, my anxiety and panic attacks got worse. I needed help from a psychologist. I had to be in a different room when we had class because I couldn't deal with being around people. She broke me, mentally.
My friends helped me through everything, they stood by my side when Penny went around school telling everyone what I had done, leaving out that she threatened me, which actually is a crime. I reached out to Molly again telling her how sorry I am for not listening to her advice and that I really missed her in my life. I told her this whole entire story. She was like "I warned you, now, should we eat pizza?" She is my best friend still to this day and she has always been the one who knows me best. She would never do what Penny the psychopath did.

In late 8th grade my friend Tia went to a school thingy. It was basically about representing your talents and so the girls in my grade and myself, we were really good at sowing and designing, so we decided that we had to get our stuff out there. Tia went to represent us as a group. But Penny and the girls in her grade also went to this school thing with their own stuff. I couldn't go with Tia and neither could the other girls because we had to attend the boys in our class soccer game. So Tia told us that it was okay for her to go alone since she had the other girls from penny's class. I said okay, call us if anything happens. This school thing was a three day weekend shit, so Tia had to sleep there. I went with Molly and the others to this soccer game to cheer on our friends. After we went to the hotel in our city to be together all of us and eat and just have a good time. I was in the middle of a conversation with one of my guy friends when my phone rang. I saw that it was Tia. I could feel that something was wrong. "Hello?" I said. She couldn't even get a word out she was crying so much. And I thought, Penny that fucking crazy ass bitch. I told Tia to calm down and tell me what happened. I quote Tias words "Penny has literally been sending me looks all night and she has been excluding me from everything. I'm completely alone, she has been mean to me. Telling me that I took you away from her. I just want to go home. I don't feel welcome here". Oh, let me tell was I furious. I told Tia to call her mom to pick her up and that I would handle the situation.
I sent Penny a text telling her to stop putting my friends in bad light and I told her to stop harassing them because she's mad at me. She didn't answer, but after that she didn't talk to any of us anymore.

I'm basically anxiety free now, I'm starting 11th grade, I don't have any contact with Penny anymore. We are starting different schools. I mean, I don't have any bad blood with her, I can keep a normal conversation with her. I grew up, she didn't. And she wanted to punish me for it. I was never the problem, she was a problem to herself.

Learn from my mistakes, trust your best friend from the start. Not the one who you think is your best friend. DO NOT BECOME FRIENDS WITH PSYCHOPATHS!

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Moving on, thinking too much and starting over. This is my life, right now.
Everything is going to change for me and I'm not prepared. All I ever knew, all of my school friends, my class, everything that I have always known as safe, will change. I'm starting over. I'm starting a new school. With new people, strangers. With new subjects, with new everything. And it freaks me out so much. All of my best friends, the people who I love with all my heart, are starting other schools all over the place. Before, we walked the hallways together, but now, we are going to walk other hallways without each other. Separating from them was like reliving my parents divorce. It broke my heart. I'm scared that I'll be alone, that I won't be accepted. I'm scared to walk without my soulmates. I'm scared for a life without them by side everyday.
But it's a new chapter. It's time for me to start being me to the fullest. It's time for me to make myself a better person. I need to work on how to attach myself to people, and I will do that now because it's a new chapter in my life.

Songs help me out so much with the stress of being separated from my friends, my soulmates. Never be alone, by Shawn Mendes, is the song I'm talking about. They may be far, but never gone. We all lay under the same stars, so when I miss them I can look up to the sky, and they are there with me. They are. I know that. I won't lose them. They are my soulmates and they have been there for me when no one have. So I owe them everything. They deserve everything.

To my friends, my soulmates, I love you guys. More than you'll ever know. You are my people and I owe you everything. Thank you for being with me through thick and thin. You guys are worth gold and nothing could ever, ever, replace your place in my heart.

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I'm scared. So scared to get attached to new people. Every feeling I feel, I feel them 100 times more than a regular person. When I'm sad, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. When I'm happy, you can't find a happier person. When I love someone, I love them with all my heart and when someone breaks my trust, I hate them with everything I own. I'm scared of letting myself feel too much, because when I do, everything comes crashing down. Feelings scare me. Because of this, I think I just lost someone who I really enjoyed spending time with. I couldn't get myself to feel for him fast enough and now he has moved. I wouldn't let myself fall for him, and now that he's not here. I want him and I miss him. Why am I like this? And why can't people stop breaking my trust? Every time that I felt that I started catching real feelings for him, I stopped myself. I told myself that I couldn't be with him and that he didn't want me.
But I think that he did want me, the way I want him now. And I didn't realize that until recently. He lives freaking 6 hours away now and I really want him to be here, with me. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm scared. Scared to let myself relax. I'm scared to feel the things I feel 100 times more than normal. For me, missing him is more than just a normal person missing someone, for me I can't even think straight. I don't miss him, I mourn him, like he's dead, even though he isn't. What can I do? What should I do? I have told him that I miss him. And he misses me too, but I can't just hop on the next train to see him? Right?

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So, I need to say this because it's been bugging me so much lately and that is catching feelings for someone.
A year back I was in love with a guy. Like I was head over heels for him. I've never felt so much for a person as I felt for him. To me, everything he did was amazing. When he talked to me and when we hung out, I fell more and more in love with him. The thing was that he was in love with this other girl. That other girl though already had a boyfriend. So I was basically chasing after a guy who was chasing after a girl who wasn't available. This was a super weird situation for me because I couldn't understand how he could be in love with her when she was in a relationship and I was right there, right in front of him wanting him more than anything. But he must've been blind or something because when I finally had the courage to tell him that I had feelings for him, he didn't know what I was talking about. He literally told me that he liked me, but not in that way and that he was in love with that other girl. And honestly, I was so heartbroken and sad. To me, all those text messages and all those times we hung out meant the world. But to him, I was just a friend. A distraction from this other girl. I have never felt that pain before in my entire life. It's like my heart was ripped out and it felt like my body was going to stop functioning. I felt drained of energy. I felt stupid and ugly. I felt like I wasn't good enough. He made me feel worthless honestly. I understand that he didn't feel that for me, but why text me and talk to me and make me think that we could be something. It was very stupid of him.
At the time I felt like it was the end of the world. Like nothing could make it better, but time really does help. Today, I'm so over that idiot. Even though he pushed my confidence to the bottom and made feel shitty about myself and my body, I'm okay.
I'm fine, I don't even acknowledge him anymore. Like I don't care. I literally saw him making out with a girl who is two years younger that is, and I didn't even care. If that had happened a year ago, I would've been heartbroken.
This has affected me, I have a lot of problems with letting myself talk to guys because I'm scared to catch feelings and I'm scared to be let down by someone who I actually do love.
But I try, and it's getting better. Thank god that I have the best friends in the entire world. They have been very helpful.

My point form this is, don't attach yourself to people who you know deep down doesn't love you. Everyone deserves love.

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Hi, I'm currently on my way to my cousins on the coast. I'm going back home on Thursday and then in going to a 3 day festival, and then next Monday I'm going to London. I'm going to have two very exciting weeks! I'm really excited, this will get me on other thoughts and I think it will be very good for me.
I will probably not write as much here because of this. But I also know myself very well to know that I'll probably write something on the airplane to London. I love traveling and being away from where I'm currently living. I just love getting away and escaping all the shitty problems at home.

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I have to write this because I need to get it out there and I need to be honest. Sometimes I hate myself. I hate how I look, how much I weigh, how tall I am, how much of a procrastinator I am, how I don't fit in the clothes that I want to fit in. Somedays are better than others. Somedays I feel super pretty, like I can conquer the world. But somedays, most days, I feel horrible about myself.
It has gotten to the point where I don't feel like I deserve to eat. I feel like I'm not good enough for anybody, because if I'm not good enough for myself, who am I even good enough for? I have lost all my motivation for working out because of these thoughts. I feel like it's just not worth it anymore. I try to eat healthy, like I have even stopped eating meat. This was a while ago though, but I had this thought that if I stopped eating meat, then I will lose my belly fat. At first, I lost a lot of weight, because of this I got stretch marks on my thighs and hips. And later on I gained the weight that I lost. Which caused me to believe that I had gained so much weight because I only saw the stretch marks. I've always heard that when you grow fast, you get stretch marks because your skin can't keep up, but stretch marks can also appear when you lose weight, and then gain back your lost weight because your skin can't keep up with all the changes. I don't mind them anymore, they are a part of me. I have them everywhere. On my thighs, hips, boobs. And I'm fine with that. It's okay.
But I really don't like my body shape. I have bigger hips, a big butt, smaller waist, bigger boobs, muscled thighs. I don't feel pretty. Because of this, I have a little belly fat. I hate how I look in a bikini. I want to hide myself when I'm at the beach. I just feel so ugly and uncomfortable.

But these thoughts don't exist in my brain all the time. Body confidence is very very hard to build up. It takes years, and I'm only 16. I don't know who I am yet. But I do know why these thoughts even sometimes exists in my brain, it's because of other people's opinions on MY body.
For example, the fact that my own relative said that "You need to wear looser clothes", like why can't I wear a tight shirt? Is it because I have big hips? And big boobs? this person also said that my shorts are too short. But I can't help that I have extremely long legs and every shorts and jeans that I own and try on are shorter on me. "You have to wear more color, because you don't look good in black" Why can't I wear black? Is it because I'm pale? Why comment these things? Why point out something like this? If you know that my confidence is low, why would you even say that? Because of this, I have really questioned my worth. If I can't wear what I want, why bother trying to look good?

Boys are also I reason why I don't love my body. I'm not one of those girls who boys fall for or whatever, boys aren't that interested in me. I haven't even had my first real kiss yet. Is it because I'm ugly or more curvy than most girls? Is it because my hips are too big? Or because you can see the stretch marks on my boobs in a bikini? I've been in love with a guy, and he didn't like me back. Which broke my heart. This made me believe that he didn't want me because I'm ugly. Because I'm not model skinny.

I'm not fat, that's not what I'm saying. I know I'm not fat. But I'm curvy. And tall. And I don't know how to deal with myself anymore. I seemed to do so good before. But now, lately, I've been looking at myself like I'm a piece of trash.

Self worth is something that is very important to me. I always tell others to love themselves, I always put other people before myself. And it's not often people do that for me. I'm never 1st priority. Never. Ever. And yes, it sucks. It sucks not getting to hear that you're beautiful. But would it help how I feel if people tell me that? Probably not because this is something that I have to work on. I have to work on loving myself and my body.

Because of all of this, I've been thinking about writing here about my progress because I'm truly, really trying to feel better about myself. I will write my workout plans and if I workout. I will write about how I feel mentally and physically. I will also write life lessons that I'm learning during this process.

I will try to love myself, because everyone should love themselves. It's hard, very freaking hard. And I have to be honest, because that's who I am. Here, I'm going to be 100% truthful. I promise.





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Where should I even begin? Maybe with the fact that I was 9 years old when I first discovered them. It was in early 2011, but it wasn't until What makes you beautiful that I totally fell in love with them. And let me tell you, I was obsessed. I spent all my spare time watching videos of them, listening to their songs. I was completely in love with them. I don't know why I got so obsessed with them, but I think it was because I really loved the music.

I moved around a lot as a kid, I moved from house to house. Nothing was ever consistent. And that was very hard for me. That is hard for everyone, not feeling like you have a home. But then One Direction came around and those 5 guys were always consistent. They were always there at the end of the day when I needed to feel like I was home. Because, honestly, they did feel like home to me. And they still do, to some extent. They mean a lot to me because of this. I feel like I kinda grew up with them. They have been with me throughout the worst times in my life, and they have helped me with those times. I'm now 16, which makes it 6, 7 years that I've been a fan of them. And that is insane to me. That I'm still, to this day going strong as a 1D stan.

I have this little funny story, well, okay it's not really funny if you ask me, it's actually kinda sad to be honest haha. But in late 2012, One Direction released their tour dates for the Take me home tour. I was so set on going. I wanted to go and see them sooooo bad. So when the tickets finally went on sale, my mom tried so hard to get tickets for me. But the site crashed because everyone in the fandom tried to get tickets at the same time obviously. So I didn't get the tickets, which broke my heart I have to admit. I cried for so many days and I was super sad. I also learned that my best friend got tickets for herself and her other friend. And that literally broke me. I got over it eventually, but when the concert day came around, and my best friend was there, I couldn't help but be sad again. So there I was, in the little apartment we lived in at the time, and my best friend was at a One Direction concert. She sent me videos, and when I saw them, I cried so much. I wanted to be there. I hated that I missed that concert but now, like I don't even care that much.
I got to see them on the where we are tour and the on the road again tour, so it's fine. I'm very thankful that I got to see them later on. When I did see them, I was the happiest girl alive. I had so much fun and I really enjoyed the whole experience.

My point for this is, if you don't get concert tickets to a concert that you really want to go to, it's not the end of the world. You will see that artist at some point. And when you do, it will be magic and totally amazing.

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The title says it all. Sometimes it all gets a little too much. Everyone feels this way. Even Beyoncé, Harry Styles and even the queen of England. I've always been a very anxious girl. But the anxiety finally kicked in when I was about 13 I think. This was the time when Shawn Mendes had released his song "A little too much". When I heard it for the first time I just sat in my room crying my eyes out. I had never related to a song or lyrics so much before. I cried because someone finally understood me and what I felt, I mean, I was quite little, you aren't that big when you are 13. I never understood my own feelings until that song. It encouraged me to get help, to talk to someone.
Today 2-3 years later, I'm basically anxiety free. I haven't had a panic attack in a year. I'm forever grateful that Shawn's song helped me as much as it did.
I absolutely adore Shawn for his songwriting. He uses his talent in such an incredible way and writes lyrics that saves lives. Because I think if it weren't for "A little too much", I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't be happy at all. He saved me, I truthfully mean that.
My point is, listen and try to understand.
Listen to songs with powerful lyrics, because honestly, it can help you through your darkest points. And try to understand your own feelings and don't be afraid of them. Because at the end of the day, everyone feels them.

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Losing someone who is important to you is awful. I've lost a lot of people that have been close to me. Recently a friend of a family member died and this past week I've really seen the effect death has on people. You think that when someone dies, so does the memories you have with them. And that's the part about death that hurts the most but it's the other way around. The person who dies leaves all the memories you have of them behind and that's what hurts the most. All you have left is memories. Memories can hurt, even though they are good ones. Losing someone is horrible and I can't explain how much it hurts. Not being able to see them one more time is heartbreaking. But I'll have to tell you, time really does make it better. You will heal and after sometime it will hurt a little bit less. I've lost so many people in my life, and now I'm happy that I have memories left. They don't hurt me anymore. Of course you'll miss that person forever but it will get better.
You'll become stronger because of it and you'll learn a lot about yourself. All you can do is stay strong and try to move on.

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Books and reading is one of my hobbies. Not a lot of people understand the beauty of books. But let me break it down for you, books are an amazing thing. It takes you away from your own thoughts and even your own life for a moment. And I love that. I love getting pictures in my head, I love imagining characters in my head. Because of this unfortunately, I've fallen in love with a lot of characters in books. Which is kinda sad because they're not really "real". There's a lot of characters in The mortal instruments series by Cassie Clare that I absolutely adore and love. Don't get me started on Jace. He is one of my absolute favorite people ever. I just love him.
If you haven't read this series you really should. It is amazing and the shadowhunter world is so special and cool. I really recommend it.
Another book series that I have totally fallen in love with is The Selection series by Kiera Cass. I've read all the books except the last one. I finished the 4th book 2 days ago. I will not get into the disappointment of the 4th book. But the 3 first books were so much fun and enjoyable. Maxon, is by far my favorite guy character in the entire book world. He even beats Jace, which says a lot. Maxon is the sweetest most handsome guy ever. There's no one as beautiful as him. I swear.
Fangirling fictional characters is common, I think, and I actually kinda enjoy it. Maybe as much as I enjoy fangirling real life human beings.

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